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RE: Married male submissives - 1/29/2005 6:37:47 AM

ProtagonistLily

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Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

I've noticed that myself! It's amazing how fast the word "discreet" comes up in conversation when I mention that they'll be meeting my husband, and so of course his wife really must come along so we can make sure all is above board. About half the time after the fallout from that conversation I generally get called a cheating bitch and end up yet again trying to keep my temper and explain poly...and they never take me up on the offer to let them talk to my husband on the phone lol...wonder why?
Polgara

You go girl! The "old wolf" would be quiet proud

Lily

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Post #: 41

RE: Married male submissives - 1/30/2005 6:33:06 AM

SecretDomme

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Joined: 1/21/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submise

I would feel terrible if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm very aware of this. And my intentions were never to try and justify anything. I totally agree that it is wrong for a married man to cheat and i stated that in my first post. furthermore, I do apologize for the gender generalization. I'm sure there are good men out there that are not dogs. I only tried to give a little insight into the mind of this married male submissives mind who is currently searching and will continue to search for a Domme to service. I have a feeling that if you "walked a mile in my shoes", some of you might be less judgemental. mark

Perhaps you should look into Elsie Sutton's website and her section on "How to Introduce Your Wife or Girlfriend to the Female Domination Lifestyle". (http://www.femalesuperiority.com/) Or, if you are simply looking to serve a Dominant Female without sex, I would suggest you seek out a ProDomme. My guess is that if you had to pay for the service, you would not be so eager...

If you have been married for ten years, I would hope that you could at some point share your thoughts with your wife. Speaking as a Domme who finally did discuss things with my husband, I know it's not easy, and talking with him was probably the one of most difficult things I have ever had to do. I was very fortunate to have an understanding husband who, even though he did not share my interests, understood my need to explore this side of me through local groups where I could meet with likeminded people. Unfortunately, we are separated now (not because of that issue alone), but we both are seeking out what we truly desire now.

I suppose I have become less tolerant of married people seeking D/s outside of marriage, without their partner's consent. I tend to believe we can either 1) Stay in an unfulfilling situation and do nothing about it, 2) Make an effort to change it with our partners or leave the situation, or 3) Stay in the situation and seek things outside of the marriage (without the other person knowing), which is being unfaithful to our partners. If you think staying and seeking things outside the marriage is OK, I think you are mistaken. Why do we tend to think it's acceptable for us to seek things outside of the marriage in the name of D/s- like that is somehow a "different" need?

Be well A/all,
Julie

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Post #: 42

RE: Married male submissives - 1/30/2005 6:59:43 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

Alas, Suz, I have yet to have an offer for any kind of service. I'm basically getting the "I NEED TO BE CONTROLLED" mail. How nice for them to think that any Fem Domme will do in a storm.

Really, my theory is that they are cheap bastards who don't want to pay a Pro. Too bad.

Lily,

You might be right. I can certainly understand feeling that way as I have been approached by a lot of people who seemed to think I was a life support system for a whip.

Having said that I must tell you that, by and large (although not in all instances), the introductory letters I used to get from gentlemen who were looking for a pro (and knew it up front) were significantly better letters than those that I get/got from 'lifestylers' or people who were 'not looking for a pro.'

Before I went pro I used to get letters that read, for the most part, "I'm not looking for a pro. I'm into xdressing and dildo training. I'm very oral. Do you have a stocked dungeon and full fetish wardrobe? How soon can we make an appointment to meet?" I'm telling you, that was the introductory letter in total. Now, doesn't that say to you "I'm looking for a free pro-session"? It sure does to me.

The truth is that when someone inquiring says "I'm not looking for a pro" in their introductory letter, I usually pass them by. What I hear by that is "I'm not interested in what her needs are and I'll be damned if I'm going get ripped off by someone." Now, it's quite possible that their motivations are entirely different, but I see that sort of stuff as a huge chip on the shoulder that has to be removed before we can even communicate (sort of like unsolicited "I'm not a doormat" statements). Why BOTHER?? It's one thing to put effort into a relationship to establish trust, it's another thing entirely to have to be a therapist before we can establish trust.

I better stop before I hijack this thread.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 1/30/2005 7:00:02 AM >

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Post #: 43

RE: Married male submissives - 1/30/2005 7:04:27 AM

MizSuz

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quote:

This could very well be true. Perhaps it is also possible that they are wrapped up in fantasy thinking... "If I want and enjoy this, the other person must enjoy and want it, too". So perhaps they are cheap, and clueless as well.

Or just clueless. And scared, maybe, at confronting long suppressed desires.

I think, too, that people (guys especially) come into the scene early on and think because they've found a sector of women who don't think they are "sick" for their fantasies that they assume these women are also quite loose. I think it's an evolution of their own issues regarding THEIR kink.

It's a bad assumption as it will usually piss just about any dominant woman I know off. Of course this notion affirms your suggestion that they are clueless.

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Post #: 44

RE: Married male submissives - 1/30/2005 7:10:39 PM

ShadeDiva

Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily
You go girl! The "old wolf" would be quiet proud

LOL! Wouldn't he? Prolly be cackling about this or that and get the other's speculating and just when Garion would pop in Pol would have to give them one of her scathing looks to shut em up and they'd all scatter to find something *more productive* to do. *chortle*

Loved that series.

LOL

~ShadeDiva

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RE: Married male submissives - 1/31/2005 2:11:51 AM

GoddessDustyGold

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Joined: 4/11/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

The truth is that when someone inquiring says "I'm not looking for a pro" in their introductory letter, I usually pass them by. What I hear by that is "I'm not interested in what her needs are and I'll be damned if I'm going get ripped off by someone." Now, it's quite possible that their motivations are entirely different, but I see that sort of stuff as a huge chip on the shoulder that has to be removed before we can even communicate

Exactly!

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RE: Married male submissives - 4/18/2005 1:49:44 AM

MissCrystalBlade

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I have no problem taking on a married sub, although before I will discuss any possible relationship I demand on meeting his wife and discussing it with her. I have found that this usually weeds out the cheaters.

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Post #: 47

Life is complicated - 4/28/2005 1:15:09 PM

cincyam513

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Joined: 4/27/2005
From: Cincinnati, Ohio
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Life is much complicated than in fairy stories. Most of the married men are good men, or no woman would want to marry him. Single men, unless they are too young to marry, do have a lot of problem why they have to stay single. My point is that if you want to find a high quality man (in terms of looking, habit, capability, intelligent, etc.), chances are they are already married.

BDSM lifestyle is no joke. Most of the wifes have never heard of this word in their whole life. Believe it or not, it is very hard for a vanila wife to accept this big change in her life. And most of the couples will find the change very uncomfortable. So what will the husband do?

I just told the husband side of story. I think some wifes may have this dilemma too. I wonder if a married wife approach to a male domme, what would he think?

Thanks,

allen

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RE: Life is complicated - 4/28/2005 1:42:27 PM

Kindred2Evil

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I understand the general complaint, but let me put it to you from a married Domme's point. I'm very happily married to a man who is also a Dom. It complicates things because so many single or married guys seem to think this means I am easy, a slut, a whore and a run-a-round which is so far from the truth to be laughable. Either that, or they view me as a touch me not because they think my husband is some insane jealous cave-man who doesn't know about the way I am and that I'm here looking for an "affair". It's disrespectful all the bloody way around.
My biggest gripe is this, a lot of the people here aren't willing to give married Dominants a fair shake. They seem to have this attitude that we are sneaking around doing things behind our SO's back. In my case, and my hubby's, this is total crap. He has a profile here, we often discuss the emails we receieve with each other. We are very much in love, but also know that as far as this side of our relationship goes, we simply aren't compatible. What's wrong with wanting a submissive if you're married?

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RE: Life is complicated - 4/28/2005 2:14:58 PM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

I understand the general complaint, but let me put it to you from a married Domme's point. I'm very happily married to a man who is also a Dom. It complicates things because so many single or married guys seem to think this means I am easy, a slut, a whore and a run-a-round which is so far from the truth to be laughable. Either that, or they view me as a touch me not because they think my husband is some insane jealous cave-man who doesn't know about the way I am and that I'm here looking for an "affair". It's disrespectful all the bloody way around.
My biggest gripe is this, a lot of the people here aren't willing to give married Dominants a fair shake. They seem to have this attitude that we are sneaking around doing things behind our SO's back. In my case, and my hubby's, this is total crap. He has a profile here, we often discuss the emails we receieve with each other. We are very much in love, but also know that as far as this side of our relationship goes, we simply aren't compatible. What's wrong with wanting a submissive if you're married?

This is an excellent question and a 2 parter really.

A) I think it sucks that you are being 'shunned' for being married. Clearly, your husband knows that you are seeking a sub, and that, to me, makes all the differance in the world. For those of us who are mature adults, I don't see anyone having any problems with this. On the "cave man" comment, I bet you are discussing this with male subs who aren't out in the scene and have no idea how this kind of poly relationship can and definately does occur in WIIWD.

B) There's nothing wrong with wanting a submissive if you are married, and conversely, wanting a dominant if you are married as long as the spouse knows and consents.

Any problem I have with married people in BDSM is exclusive to the "I have this yearning and my wife is vanilla and I can't get her to beat me, blah blah blah".

My bitch is dishonesty ;)

Lily

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RE: Life is complicated - 4/28/2005 2:28:02 PM

Kindred2Evil

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I completely understand where you are coming from. My thinking is, if your "vanilla" life is shit, why are you still in it? I realize that our lifestyle isn't exactly one you can shout about from the roof tops at times, but come on. I've been this way all my life, have been actually fairly public about it for 14 years, nobody is beating down my door to take my child away or run me out of town on a rail.
Discretion is a word that too many wanna-be's and fakers use to hide behind, it gives the rest of us a sour taste in our mouths. But I do use it. I live in a very, very tiny town and discretion is a must, for my child's sake more than anything.
In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to be so bloody secretive about who we are, we would simply be accepted. I honestly, feel for the poor repressed person who is so afraid that they can't come out and just BE.
Crap on a cracker, when did it get to be so hard to just be open and honest with each other??
I thought that was what marriage was about, the uniting of souls, the making of one...if you can't talk to your SO about what you like/want/need...what's the freakin point in being married to them?? Goddess knows, I've done it and this is my 3rd marriage *laughs* But at least this time I found a man who went "Reeeeeallllyy...and how does that work?????" instead of "You want to do WHAT to my balls????" Hubby is a great guy, just a pity he isn't a submissive, then he'd be perfect!! LOL