justheather
Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: michaelGA2
if someone has a hard limit, they should stick to it..."hard limits" are named as such for a reason.
Michael:
That's kind of like cutting off your nose to spite your face, isn't it?
It reminds me of a self-imposed dilemma I experienced a couple of years ago. Every year my family is at the beach for my birthday. I grew up on the East coast and love steamed crabs, but was a vegetarian for quite some time and had not enjoyed them in years. A couple of years ago, on the way to the beach, I was lamenting to my brother about how much I missed having steamed crabs on my birthday and how hard it would be to watch everyone else enjoy them while eating whatever vegetarian food I could get (usually a salad and baked potato) at the seafood restaurant. He turned to me and said "Well, why don't you just eat the steamed crabs on your birthday?" I thought about it and I couldnt come up with an answer. I had stopped eating meat for various reasons and was generally happy with that decision, but this was something that I wanted to do and really did not have a good reason why I shouldnt. I had allowed a decision I made years ago to somehow prohibit me from making decisions for myself in the future, which really doesnt make any sense at all. I had not made a solemn vow to not eat meat, I had made a choice. The choice I made did not include a promise to never make another choice with regard to eating meat again. I think that the idea of sticking to the limit for the limit's sake is just about the same thing. If I dont need a limit any more, if it does not serve me any longer, or even holds me back, I should not honor it just because it was a "hard limit". The limit was something that served me, protected me and helped me to feel safe. If I don't want it to serve me any more, I have the power to do away with it.
To the OP:
My sig other and I don't really talk in terms of "limits", but there are things that I am less comfortable with than others, and would they come up, the conversation we may have surrounding them may look like a conversation about "limits" but we don't really use that term. When I chose to submit to my dom, I chose to not have the right to say "I won't do this" or "I want to do that". That doesnt mean that internal limits don't exist, we just approach the concept from a different angle. He has not historically been about "pushing limits" for the sake of it, so our orientation toward limits fits one another nicely. We prefer to take things as they come and be present with them in the moment.
I find that as my relationship with my sig other grows and deepens, I don't think in terms of "limits" so much anyway, but rather in terms of continued exploration and creation of deeper intimacy between us. I'm not out to conquer all my fears for the sake of conquering them or for giving up limits in order to prove anything (my love, my submission, my trust) but rather Im just open to the broadening and deepening of "us". If this organically produces limit-stretching experiences, I welcome them --not because they are opportunities to throw off limits but rather opportunities to experience newer and deeper intimacy in my relationship.
There are things that terrify me and I don't know what my response would be if tomorrow he chose to confront me with one of those things. I do know that if he were to do it, it would be in a thoughtful and responsible manner, which is why I can psychologically afford to orient myself toward the idea from an intimacy-building as opposed to a limit-breaking perspective.
_____________________________
I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins
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RE: Letting Go Of Limits - 
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