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vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:24:11 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, I know I can ask this of individuals, but as YOU all KNOW, getting responses from individuals can be like pulling teeth, so I come here to ask.........
 
What do YOU think it means when people say.....
I want a 24/7 D/s relationship where it is vanilla in public and D/s in private?
 
My thoughts....
Isnt a dominant a dominant always and a submissive a  submissve always when each others presence? or even out of site if they are in relationship?
So many subs say, "you must get into my head."  Then if a dom is in a subs head, then arent they there 24/7/365? 
 
I am NOT equating D/s relationship with BDSM play in public or private...that is NOT the question.
And I am making this general to include all genders, all roles.
 
Any thoughts on WHY people...male and female say this?

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:27:43 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

What do YOU think it means when people say.....
I want a 24/7 D/s relationship where it is vanilla in public and D/s in private?

When I read that, to me, it means exactly what it says. That the person only wants D/s behind closed doors.

Naturally, since no one ever has the same idea of what this could mean, I usually ask them to clarify it so that I have a better understanding of what THEY mean.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:27:56 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		They don't wanna give you a blowjob at the all-city school reunion, but will gobble it like a turkey at home.

Or some variation thereof.

Serious---that is a gaping maw, because it is in someones head, really.

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to amlonging)
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RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:29:44 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I agree, I always write off profiles like that.

The fact is my public life appears VERY vanilla, so I certainly know what people mean when they say things like that.  They don't want to be expected to wear a collar to work.  Or to be tattooed in a visible place with something that says "THIS BITCH IS THE OWNED SLAVE OF PROUDMASTER4U69."

But that doesn't mean I AM vanilla in public; it just means that I don't show strangers everything about myself.  I'm as much of a dom in public as I am in private, and I'd expect any slave of mine to obey in public as she would in private.  I don't distinguish because I'm not schizophrenic.

(in reply to amlonging)
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RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:35:49 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I read that as someone that wants a partner that is more than an orientation to the lifestyle and can separate how to behave in vanilla settings (public) and orientation settings (private). Although I may have misunderstood what they mean by that, but I take it that way.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to amlonging)
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RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:37:56 PM   
angelspassion4u


Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
Status: offline 		This is a hard one for me to answer.  I for one have that in my profile.  I am not looking to be controlled out in public say....  in front of my kids, my parents house,  restaurants, work, etc. because the controlling aspect is a private affair.  That might sound selfish or unreasonable to some. When I give my gift of submission to the right Dom the it will be with us and us alone. So out in public I want a nilla relationship but behind closed doors then I can truly be free to submit.  I don't know if I have explained what I feel the right way but it is how I can explain it at this time.


_____________________________

Recommends books by Victoria Morris through Pink Flamingo publishers.
"You can PLEASE some people some of the time, most people most of the time, but NEVER all the people all of the time."

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:38:07 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		The first thing I think of when reading something like that is bedroom D/s, something I have no interest in.  However, I also know that to some it is a way to describe no overt public scening.  So I ask.  One is negotiable, the other is not.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:39:34 PM   
WickedlyDevine


Posts: 63
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline 		Although we are what we are as a couple, there must be public protocal, I certainly wouldnt subject my partner nor him I to these practices at my kids school function. It is just a safety parameter.

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:40:51 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		It has been in my experience that many people who say such don't have a very good understanding of WIITWD and have more of a fetish/fantasy view of it. Some may of course, mean it in a more literal sense in that they simply don't want you kneeling at their feet in a restaurant or accentuating all of your public conversations with "Yes Master".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:48:53 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelspassion4u

This is a hard one for me to answer.  I for one have that in my profile.  I am not looking to be controlled out in public say....  in front of my kids, my parents house,  restaurants, work, etc. because the controlling aspect is a private affair.  That might sound selfish or unreasonable to some. When I give my gift of submission to the right Dom the it will be with us and us alone. So out in public I want a nilla relationship but behind closed doors then I can truly be free to submit.  I don't know if I have explained what I feel the right way but it is how I can explain it at this time.



OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 
 
To me that is a submissive thing, no matter in public or private.
What about refilling the dorita dish and their drinks during the ball game...do they do it or do you do it caase you know your dom finds that service to him? Do you not do it cause your parents might look at you like...what the hay, he can do it ?

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to angelspassion4u)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:50:54 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

However, I also know that to some it is a way to describe no overt public scening.  So I ask.  One is negotiable, the other is not.


They don't wanna give you a blowjob at the all-city school reunion, but will gobble it like a turkey at home.

Or some variation thereof.

Serious---that is a gaping maw, because it is in someones head, really.

Ron



I am NOT equating D/s relationship with BDSM play in public or private...that is NOT the question.

< Message edited by amlonging -- 10/22/2006 2:03:15 PM >

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:56:31 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging
OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 
 
To me that is a submissive thing, no matter in public or private.
What about refilling the dorita dish and their drinks during the ball game...do they do it or do you do it caase you know your dom finds that service to him? Do you not do it cause your parents might look at you like...what the hay, he can do it ?


I would do and always have done those types of things. My folks wouldn't see that as unusual because that is how I have always been. Now if a man I was with were to say something in my parents home along the lines of "Slave, get on your knees and take my shoes off".....well, I wouldn't have to explain to him that it was inappropriate....my Father and brothers would beat me to that one.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:56:43 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine

Although we are what we are as a couple, there must be public protocal, I certainly wouldnt subject my partner nor him I to these practices at my kids school function. It is just a safety parameter.


Let me suggest a differnet angle on this.....  I am assuming the kids are both of yours... if a teacher, at a parent teacher conference suggests your little johnny is disruptive in class and might be a little hyperactive and need some discipline at home...would you allow your dom, the child's father, to respond or would you take it upon yourself to respond first and assertively?
 
In my way of thinking, I would allow him the discretion of responding ...is that not a submissive mind frame?  Then add to his comments after he has finished?

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to WickedlyDevine)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 1:59:57 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

They don't want to be expected to wear a collar to work.  Or to be tattooed in a visible place with something that says "THIS BITCH IS THE OWNED SLAVE OF PROUDMASTER4U69."



Not even a pendant collar for work or social places that signifies she is yours?   

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:03:36 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 
 
To me that is a submissive thing, no matter in public or private.
What about refilling the dorita dish and their drinks during the ball game...do they do it or do you do it caase you know your dom finds that service to him? Do you not do it cause your parents might look at you like...what the hay, he can do it ?

I was raised in a house where when my father came home from work, the women hung up his coat and took his shoes. If a drink needed to be refilled, we did it. If my dad or brother needed another plate of food, one of us got up and did it. The girls did the dishes, the boys cut the grass. Nothing submissive about it at all from my perspective; it's just how I was raised.
When my husband was alive, I always took his shoes off, hung up his coat, his clothes, got his dinner plate for him, kept everything refilled. Again, there was nothing submissive about it all; just the way I was raised.
quote:

  if a teacher, at a parent teacher conference suggests your little johnny is disruptive in class and might be a little hyperactive and need some discipline at home...would you allow your dom, the child's father, to respond or would you take it upon yourself to respond first and assertively?
 
In my way of thinking, I would allow him the discretion of responding ...is that not a submissive mind frame?  Then add to his comments after he has finished?


Once again, the way I was raised. My father handled ALL discipline, though I can not remember him going to the school with my mom for a conference. When I had kids, it was the same. Her father handled all discipline; it's the way I was raised, and had nothing to do with submission at all.

Of course, this is just my own view on it

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:04:21 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		amlonging,
All of the questions you are asking would be dependent upon the established dynamics and the two people involved. All couples define the parameters for themselves.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:04:53 PM   
angelspassion4u


Posts: 632
Joined: 7/17/2006
From: Angels
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging

OK I understand this.... so let me ask a question?  If your Dom asked you to do something, say like, take his shoes off at your parents house during a ball game when he and your day were relaxing, watching  TV, would you refuse? Would you look at him funny and say, but dear you can do that yourself.  or would you do it? 
 
To me that is a submissive thing, no matter in public or private.
What about refilling the dorita dish and their drinks during the ball game...do they do it or do you do it caase you know your dom finds that service to him? Do you not do it cause your parents might look at you like...what the hay, he can do it ?


I  wouldn't take his shoes off. I would probably joke "What? Are your hands broken, lol".  But I would do the normal things like refill his glass or the Doritos dish etc..... That is just common courtesy.

_____________________________

Recommends books by Victoria Morris through Pink Flamingo publishers.
"You can PLEASE some people some of the time, most people most of the time, but NEVER all the people all of the time."

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:05:34 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Well on thinking about this more I have read many profiles reading.. lady in public, slut in private... can fit into most social situations.. that sort of thing. It makes me wonder if they are getting contacted by submissives that desire to be naked and caged 24-7 and on a leash when they go to the grocery store.

I suppose it is kinda unnecessary to put that in a profile, as most people do not behave this way in public, and what it says to me is that the person stating this is really fearful that people involved with WIITWD have less class, lowered expectations for polite behavior than their vanilla counterparts. I would just say they should really think about how many times in their life they have encountered such people in their everyday life and realize that most of us are not like that

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:07:45 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amlonging

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

However, I also know that to some it is a way to describe no overt public scening.  So I ask.  One is negotiable, the other is not.


I am NOT equating D/s relationship with BDSM play in public or private...that is NOT the question.


I understand the question and I answered your question.  It seems you did not understand my answer.  I also never suggested you thought that and don't know where you got that from my post.  You asked :

quote:

What do YOU think it means when people say.....
I want a 24/7 D/s relationship where it is vanilla in public and D/s in private?


I clearly told you I thought it meant to be someone wishes for only bedroom D/s...as in they want only the play aspects in the bedroom and not complete control.  But there is also that possibility that they mean they do not want overt scenes or controlling behavior in public.  Each person who writes that may have different interpretations so when I see that, I ask for clarification. 

As I stated, one is acceptable to me in my own relationships.  In other words, I can live without overt public play and conduct myself appropriately whlie in public.  The other is not.  I have no interest in my control of a submissive stopping when we open the bedroom door.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to amlonging)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: vanilla in public, D/s in private - 10/22/2006 2:11:20 PM   
amlonging


Posts: 153
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		Yes Erin, I truly do understand that.....  

_____________________________

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN...
...is a butt she can learn to love.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 20
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