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RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 4:38:18 PM

xkittenishx

Posts: 38
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline

I have to go against the grain on this one just a little bit. My Master and I were together for a very long time and ended up parting ways.. Five years later we ended up randomly finding each other once more and after talking occasionally here and there our relationship very slowly began to blossom once more. After much talking and soul searching we decided to try it again and I absolutely could not be more content, I -know- this is where I belong. In our case I think we both grew more into the people we wanted to be and those people were able to work through what our younger selves couldn't and I'm so very happy that I didn't let this opportunity pass me by.

I'm not advocating trying to reconnect by any means - I do agree with most of the posters who say that ex's are ex's for a reason - just trying to give another side.

Best of luck to you.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 21

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 4:56:51 PM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

Amen.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 22

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:08:33 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

There's been alot of advice that is leaning towards forgiveness. The reality is that I have forgiven for what needed to be forgiven. The majority of what happened though, I never really blamed him for. In the beginning of the end, I blamed myself alot. I blamed myself for not being able to fix him. I'd been helping so many others battle their addictions for so many years....yet I was entirely ineffective in helping him with his. The alchohol won the battle. Then one day it dawned on me that I wasn't to blame....it just simply was.

We've remained friends and keep in contact with one another....but we usually stay away from the emotional stuff. I'm not sure why he chose now to go there. I supposed that maybe he wrote the letter because he is being paroled early. He was supposed to be there 10 years...it's been only 4. I am sure that he is feeling pretty shaky about his release as he knows that he will no longer have the benefit of having his environment controlled and he will have to once again make his own choices in life. But this time he is going to have to try to do it without my constant support.

The letter did provide comfort...and it also broke my heart. If we only get one shot in this world to find our soul mate...our One....well, he was mine. I've never stopped loving him...most likely I never will....and I have missed him more than I can say. But I can't live through that kind of dysfunction again.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 23

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:10:34 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Maybe it's not true that we get only one shot. I don't think there's much reason to believe in an organized plan like that. Some people get several shots. Some people don't seem to get any. You make the best of what you're given.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

If we only get one shot in this world to find our soul mate...our One....well, he was mine.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 24

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:22:02 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear mistoferin, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Lass, you're not involved in something profound as to make the past a second in history, so that is why its so easy to let what has been in the past to resurface.

Unfortunately, I am not in person but, being a hugs type person when words fail ---

{{{BBBBBBBBBBBBBBIGGGGGGGGGGG HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG}}}
(If wanted and or needed)

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 25

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:27:52 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I am of the camp that a couple shots in the sternum with an ice pick would be enough of a near death experience that it should suffice as prima facia evidence of the fact that the matter is considered in the past; for me, at any rate.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 26

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:36:28 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have tried to restart what should have lay dead, it did not work for me on both occasions, but it was good for both of us to know that we meant enough to one another to try again. Sometimes too much water under the bridge washes the road out..

I live by the motto that we cannot go back and we can only go forward... When we try to go back we realize how much we have grown.. we aren't meant to in my opinion...but other people have done so and it worked for them

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 27

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:38:59 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xkittenishx

I have to go against the grain on this one just a little bit. My Master and I were together for a very long time and ended up parting ways.. Five years later we ended up randomly finding each other once more and after talking occasionally here and there our relationship very slowly began to blossom once more. After much talking and soul searching we decided to try it again and I absolutely could not be more content, I -know- this is where I belong. In our case I think we both grew more into the people we wanted to be and those people were able to work through what our younger selves couldn't and I'm so very happy that I didn't let this opportunity pass me by.

I'm not advocating trying to reconnect by any means - I do agree with most of the posters who say that ex's are ex's for a reason - just trying to give another side.

I agree with this. As a general statement, I believe that people can/do grow and evolve, learn from mistakes, rehabilitate, become wiser and emerge with new goals and clearer perspectives. It happens every day.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to xkittenishx)

Post #: 28

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:44:47 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

But I can't live through that kind of dysfunction again.

There ya go. It was a lesson in what you know you don't want to step into again.
About the soulmate thing, I think there are more than one. I hate to think that there is only one possibility in life to have a grand thing.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 29

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:47:02 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

As I am oft wont to say, Katie:
There are some that will find their One, many times.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 30

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:48:55 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

marieToo: I agree with this. As a general statement, I believe that people can/do grow and evolve, learn from mistakes, rehabilitate, become wiser and emerge with new goals and clearer perspectives. It happens every day.

Yes, I believe that too. On the other hand, the evidence tells us that people can refuse to grow or evolve, make sure they repeat the same mistakes that got them in trouble before and make sure they surround themselves with "enablers" so as to make sure they needn't "evolve" one bit. They can refuse rehabilitation (or pretend it so as to deceive), fall back into the same destructive patterns of substance abuse and addiction that they learned and relearned in life, make sure they take no responsibility for themselves and find new victims (or play upon the old ones) with alacrity. It happens every day, too.

No situation is identical to anothers. One person's "rebirth" can be truly life-changing, anothers can last just long enough to get to the next meal ticket and get him or her sandbagged. Without knowing the people involved (and knowing them well) everything suggested is just platitudes.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 31

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 6:50:26 PM

Caitriona

Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline

I hope that whatever decision you make regarding your ex-Master, it brings you peace and happiness.

_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 32

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 7:02:08 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
I can't live through that kind of dysfunction again.

From personal experience, I wholeheartedly understand this. With my ex, a 17 year marriage, I realized that as much as I loved him, as much GOOD there was, it came with a whole bunch of bad. And I could no longer live with the bad.

In the case of addictions, you likely know this already but just because a person has stopped taking a substance does not mean the person is no longer an addict, NOR does it mean he is "better." The addicts in my family continued their addictive behavior (without the substance) long after they stopped getting high. As I once told my brother, "Just because you quit drinking does not mean you no longer act like a drunk."

And so now someone who is sorrowful has regurgitated it and sent it to you. The question is, what will you do with it?

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 33

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 8:09:53 PM

NINASHARP

Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

There's been alot of advice that is leaning towards forgiveness. The reality is that I have forgiven for what needed to be forgiven. The majority of what happened though, I never really blamed him for. In the beginning of the end, I blamed myself alot. I blamed myself for not being able to fix him. I'd been helping so many others battle their addictions for so many years....yet I was entirely ineffective in helping him with his. The alchohol won the battle. Then one day it dawned on me that I wasn't to blame....it just simply was.

We've remained friends and keep in contact with one another....but we usually stay away from the emotional stuff. I'm not sure why he chose now to go there. I supposed that maybe he wrote the letter because he is being paroled early. He was supposed to be there 10 years...it's been only 4. I am sure that he is feeling pretty shaky about his release as he knows that he will no longer have the benefit of having his environment controlled and he will have to once again make his own choices in life. But this time he is going to have to try to do it without my constant support.

The letter did provide comfort...and it also broke my heart. If we only get one shot in this world to find our soul mate...our One....well, he was mine. I've never stopped loving him...most likely I never will....and I have missed him more than I can say. But I can't live through that kind of dysfunction again.

mistoferin,

It is so easy for everyone to tell you to let bygones be bygones, but it is hard to wipe the slate clean, when you still feel love for that person, even if the relationship in which you shared was not ideal and unhealthy for all involved.

My past has never stayed dead. I still remain in touch with my ex husband after 12 years, even though there really is nothing to hold us together now that the unmentionables are living on their own. A few times a year, I meet my former Master for lunch. I often keep in touch with one former slave who betrayed my trust, but still find myself taking his calls and occasionally going out for dinner to catch up on our lives. Each time I make contact with one of the former relationships in my life, I am left with mixed emotions. And on parting, I feel sadness and find myself recollecting the things that we once shared. I like to think I am over it, and happily moving on in my life, yet for me to keep in contact with them, would suggest the opposite. And I know that I am not really letting go. I have had other’s in my life in which I have shared deep friendships with, who I haven’t seen in years and could care less if I ever saw again because of the way things ended. Perhaps there is no real closure to someone you felt such a strong connection to? I know it doesn’t serve my future to hang on to my past, yet I still struggle with the what ifs? I have no idea why I do this. When I look at my life today, and the happiness I have in my current relationships, I know I wouldn’t change any of it because I would have missed out on so much had I not had the courage to put an end to the former relationships as they were. Yet at the same time, I still feel drawn to them like a moth to a flame in the name of friendship.

It is not easy to live like this. And I know it should be easy just to let it all go, but for me, it isn’t quite so simple. I wouldn’t wish this for anyone. My heart goes out to you.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 34

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 8:48:43 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I got a 14 page letter from my ex Master today. All of the memories that I assumed he had forgotten....laid right out in black and white. The clarity of his memory astounds me. He says I am his first thought when he wakes and the last thought before he sleeps. He wants me to know that he understands the pain he caused and takes the full responsibility for it.....and that he still loves me as much today as ever. He knows that he has no chance of ever being in my life on that level again.....and he wishes only the best for me in wherever life takes me.

Well gosh....it's funny how after so long we both think so often of the other. The memories come despite all of my efforts to keep them away. And now, here today it is....right in my face. Who says life doesn't have a rewind? It surely does.....now if only it had a "redo".

I probably had the best sex in my life with my last sub but she had lying, shopping and money problems.
I wouldn't want to go back.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 35

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 8:56:10 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Thank you so much all. I know I really shouldn't even be taking this stroll down memory lane with him today....it was his stroll....his choice to go here....and I should just shut it down. It would have all been so much easier if there had been some signs of the impending doom early on...I could have cut and run without investing such a huge portion of my life....and myself. But there were no signs. It was was all I had ever dreamed of.....for the first 8 or 9 years...

Yes I knew he was a recovering alcoholic when we met. But he wasn't new to recovery and had done the hard work...and was continuing to do it. I knew the risks, no one can guarantee sobriety forever, but I thought long and hard about them and I assessed them as worth taking. So I let myself fall for him harder than I've ever fallen. And we loved...oh my God how we loved. We loved each other as I never thought was possible. Then one day it all changed....I don't even know when that day was exactly.

How foolish I feel in hindsight to have been a Substance Abuse Counselor and not have known. But we had come so far....far enough that alcohol was no longer even a thought. So at first, I thought he was sick. He was tired all the time. Moody. He had to pee every five minutes. Diabetes...yup...that's what I thought...ran in his family bad. Until I found the first bottle....and the next...

It's kind of a blur after that for the next couple of years. A blur of tears....of late nights waiting up...of hospitals, treatment centers, police officers and jails. In the beginning I was determined. I tried every tool in my Counselor's bag of tricks. None of them worked...he didn't want them to. He wanted to self destruct. He stood teetering on the edge of that dark abyss and I was powerless to stop him from going over.

At the end I came to understand it was going to boil down to self preservation. I could not let him pull my head under the water of the cesspool he was drowning in. I knew that no matter how much I loved him I had to love me more. It was then that the phone rang. The officer was very sweet. I think he heard the catch in my voice and the way it sounded as his words sucked the breath from me. He even said that he knew that at one time this man he had in his custody must have been very different...or I wouldn't have been there. It was serious.....very serious...7 felonies.

The next morning, I went to the bank and took out a loan. I went to the attorney's office and paid him to get him out on bail. I went and got my totalled truck out of the impound yard. I lined up a residential treatment program for him. I went and picked him up and held him as I told him that these things that I did that day...would be the last things I did for him as his. I explained that I simply had no more of me left to give. The rest of his life would be up to him...and in his eyes I saw the understanding.

What will I do with this letter? It will not change the decisions I have made in my life. I believe that he needed to do this just as much as I need to continue on with my life...without him. There was apology....it's accepted. I will always be his friend, his family...and I will always wish things could have been different. But they weren't. And life will go on...

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 10/24/2006 8:59:14 PM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to NINASHARP)

Post #: 36

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 9:02:35 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

quote:

marieToo: I agree with this. As a general statement, I believe that people can/do grow and evolve, learn from mistakes, rehabilitate, become wiser and emerge with new goals and clearer perspectives. It happens every day.

Yes, I believe that too. On the other hand, the evidence tells us that people can refuse to grow or evolve, make sure they repeat the same mistakes that got them in trouble before and make sure they surround themselves with "enablers" so as to make sure they needn't "evolve" one bit. They can refuse rehabilitation (or pretend it so as to deceive), fall back into the same destructive patterns of substance abuse and addiction that they learned and relearned in life, make sure they take no responsibility for themselves and find new victims (or play upon the old ones) with alacrity. It happens every day, too.

No situation is identical to anothers. One person's "rebirth" can be truly life-changing, anothers can last just long enough to get to the next meal ticket and get him or her sandbagged. Without knowing the people involved (and knowing them well) everything suggested is just platitudes.

E.

I agree with you and didn't mean to suggest anything specific about the people involved. It seemed the thread was going mostly in a direction that spoke to an assumption that this person couldn't/ hasn't learned, evolved, rehabilitated or whathaveyou. I wanted to offer the other possibility.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 37

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 9:26:50 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Dear Erin,Maybe this is what you both needed for a much more pleasant closure.Maybe he needed to apologise and admit his mistakes and you needed to hear them...be well...and enjoy the good memories but look toward the future and the possibility of better memories....Tempting

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 38

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 9:43:04 PM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Sometimes too much water under the bridge washes the road out..

Julia- let's not talk about water washing out roads under bridges- it brings up the past where I totalled my car in a flash flood this summer.

Regarding mistoferin's post, I believe this is a week of undead pasts. I have run into about, oh...more than a couple handfuls of people best left in the past.

I understand entirely what you mean in your story- that love for a person, even though it's over, even though the past is past and you will never go back...I have that in my life, too- though in my family instead of with a former Master. It's hard when all that emotion is suddenly dredged back up, it throws you off balance and suddenly you're reeling in a world you remember but cannot revisit. It's unnerving.

I find that though every experience has taught me something, has shaped me for what it was, the thing that has helped me work into my own life after it has been to revisit the emotion safely, to channel it. For this, I dance myself exhausted, I create an image that I can look at, something tangible which I can see or touch that marks the point in time, shows what it gave me, shows how I felt about it, and then, after this is done, I can put it away. This method prevents me from needing to revisit the source of the emotion (the person, etc.) in order to be free from the burden of it.

There are many roads in life, and you choose which you walk. Those who are in your life can be along for the journey or not. Trying to walk backwards does not work- the road behind you is changed with your experience.

I wish you the best, and take care.
behindmirrors.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 39

RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 9:45:16 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

Erin, I am sending thoughts of strength your way. You have been through a bunch of stuff in the last little while and now this. Perhaps this will help to close that section of your past and help you to move forward. Love and support is wonderful, you did all you could at that time and you should have no regrets.

Be strong and be sane, drop me a line if you ever need to talk/type

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 40

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