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RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 9:53:28 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: farglebargle

When the past just won't stay dead...

You didn't bury it deep enough.



There was a set of books I loved as a child, and a poem in one of them (Elric series by Michael Moorcock) went something like this

King ? marched his armies out
to go to war again.
Thrice he marched them up the hill
Thrice marched them down again.
And thrice he slew the slain.

The last line of that poem has always stuck with me.The past
will not stay dead until you learn to let it go.

Everybody learns their own method of letting the past
go, so I am not sure I have any advice on doing it.  I
myself wrote a letter to my ex-wife after a 4 year bitter
divorce apologizing for my half of the break up.  She did
not respond, and emails on other subjects lead me to
think that she has not learned how to let it go.

But this is not my problem anymore.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to farglebargle)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 10:55:07 PM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		My heart goes out to you. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders, and a clear picture of why things went down the way they did. Still reconnections open up a window of opportunity that are sometimes more comfortable left closed. You deserve someone wonderful in your life, who has mastered themselves and is ready to bring goodness into your world.
 
Warm hugs,
Master's dorei

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/24/2006 11:56:56 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I would probably opt for a redo if he didn't do something horrendously bad to undermine my trust and respect for him.

I want to know what you're going to do with that letter Erin?   M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 2:44:52 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Erin, your words are powerful and touched me greatly since my father was an alcoholic. Your post also shows that have the ability to love deeply. Thanks.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 3:36:35 AM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

What will I do with this letter? It will not change the decisions I have made in my life. I believe that he needed to do this just as much as I need to continue on with my life...without him. There was apology....it's accepted. I will always be his friend, his family...and I will always wish things could have been different. But they weren't. And life will go on...


You made the decision you needed to make for yourself and for him, he had to do it alone but now he obviously feels ready for you again. You obviously hold part of him in your heart. So now decide. Either you meet and see if there's a bumpity-bump deep inside, or burn the letter and move on. Either way your playing with fire, but love is a rare thing and this man maybe one of a few who holds that gift for you in this life.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 4:22:22 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		The reason we walk forward is to leave our past behind. Worry about steping in a hole in front of you not one you have already climbed out of.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 4:28:08 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I got a 14 page letter from my ex Master today
A first I wondered who would have time to write a 14 page letter   this cleared it up
quote:

I supposed that maybe he wrote the letter because he is being paroled early.
  

If I were you, I'd let the past stay the past and move before he gets parol.   He may really love you but I'm thinking he may need a place to sleep more once he gets out.

(in reply to Owned1)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 4:33:52 AM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		I always feel once you take that well thought out step to move on then you NEVER look back ...You need to do some serious soul searching ...it seems he already has...good luck to you.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 4:48:39 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

. The alchohol won the battle. Then one day it dawned on me that I wasn't to blame....it just simply was. 

I've never stopped loving him...most likely I never will....and I have missed him more than I can say. But I can't live through that kind of dysfunction again.


Let me tell you about Tammy, Erin.
 
I walked into my favorite gay/lesbian bar in Fells Point one night; coming from the stage was a voice so pure my stomach tied itself in knots. I had to, just had to know who was singing.
 
She was small, petite, face not out of the ordinary, but gods what chills when i looked into her eyes. I ran to the florist and bought a dozen roses, white and perfect like her songs.
 
I took her out; we talked forever, what a mind, such a heart. I took her home to my Master and told him, i love this woman; i want her for my wife. No D/s, just love; then the drinking began.
 
I raised her kids for almost four years, i took her out of bars, i poured out more stashes of Old Grand Dad than you want to think about, rehab, emergency rooms, twelve steps, counseling, you've been there you know what goes on.
 
I had to let her go, she broke my heart, i tried, oh gods i tried. There is a rose on my shoulder, it was the song i first heard her sing, the Rose. There is also a skull on the rose to remind of how black and angry she left me feeling.
 
I often tell people i ran into her years later and she weighed 400 pounds and had no teeth and i'm glad.
 
What i do not tell people is the ache i feel when i think of her, of that glorious human being wasted.
 
Forgive her? Like you it was myself i had to forgive for failing her. Like you in the end i realized i could do nothing only she could heal herself.
 
Am i bitter? Yes. Is it right? Probably not.
 
Would i give her another chance? Never. She made her choice and i made mine.
 
It does not mean that fire is dead, it only means i understand sometimes you should not play with matches no matter how attractive the warmth.
 
 
I loved my love from green of Spring
Until sere Autumn's fall;
But now that leaves are withering
How should one love at all?
One heart's too small
For hunger, cold, love, everything.

I loved my love on sunny days
Until late Summer's wane;
But now that frost begins to glaze
How should one love again?
Nay, love and pain
Walk wide apart in diverse ways.

I loved my love - alas to see
That this should be, alas!
I thought that this could scarcely be,
Yet has it come to pass:
Sweet love that was,
Now bitter grown to me

< Message edited by twicehappy -- 10/25/2006 4:53:23 AM >

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 5:44:15 AM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		Erin - I've had my own emotinal messes in the past.  I couldn't let go for years after it was 'over'.  For me, it would have been the worst folly to go back.  I don't know about you.  I don't know your ex-Master.  But I do have a thought.
 
Wait.  If he's getting out soon and has contacted you right off the bat, I'd wait, no matter what your feelings are.  He needs to be able to survive on his own without help.  Don't let yourself get dragged into a relationship where you're the mommy-nurse-provider.  You need and deserve a mature and functional partner.  If he does okay for a year or two on his own... you can go from there.  You know your feelngs and you know him MUCH better than I do, obviously.
 
You're smart, I know that much.  I know how much emotions can affect judgement.  Take your time and keep your distance for a while.  Be cautious.  Beyond that...  {{HUGS}}  You have my best wishes and hopes, whether you decide to risk yourself or continue your life without him.
 
zuma

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 9:46:38 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Well sleep was elusive to me last night. I didn't lay awake picking apart the letter so much...but I did some serious examining of my feelings. I came to realize that there is one thing I have not forgiven...and to be honest, I'm not sure if I can. In all of the chaos of what our relationship had become....in all of the instances of trust broken....there was only one moment that is my sticking point. He alluded to it in the letter and it made me realize that THAT was the moment that changed the course of my life....and the reason that I can never consider going back.

He said in his letter that he wanted me to know that there was nothing that I did that led to him picking up that bottle again. There was nothing anyone did. It happened on a hot summer day. He worked construction and it was about a 100 degrees that day. The builder stopped by the job site at the end of the day with two cold cases of beer for the guys....and he forgot to pick up a couple of cold Cokes for my ex. The guys started chiming in about how just one wasn't gonna hurt him. He said that it all boiled down to him just wanting to be "one of the guys". He convinced himself that after so many years sober that he probably had it beat. So he took that beer. The rest is history.

Now in the ensuing years there were many things that occurred that I have right to be angry over. Entire weeks paychecks spent in a few hours at the bar. Losing many of the things I had worked so hard to get. The anger and moodiness that overtook him. The physical violence that he acted out upon me. Waking up to guns in my face. The lies and covering up. The drunken bar fly women that were lapses in his judgement. Two totalled vehicles in a year's time. Emergency rooms, court rooms and cops. More things that I had a right to be angry over than I can count. But it was only one moment that it all hinged upon.

That moment when he stood there, beer in his hand, knowing full well that if he put it to his lips....all he held dear in life would be in jeopardy. That moment when he made that decision. Not because his life was in turmoil...not because he was trying to medicate away some emotion. But because he chose to throw it all away for something as stupid as wanting to fit in. They say alcoholics are powerless....and after the drinking has begun I would have to agree. But in that moment before the first drops trickled past his lips....he had all the power in the world...and I don't know if I can ever forgive his decision in that moment.

The other thing that I realized last night is that there is something that I have to do. I have always been one of those "let bygones be bygones" kind of people. Last night I realized that I have been owning some stuff that isn't mine to own....and I need to give it back. Surprisingly, he seems to remember alot of the good in great detail...but for all the bad he had the benefit of filtering it though  Jack Daniel's. I had to deal with it straight up however. He didn't get to clearly see the result of his actions. The turmoil in the relationship....and the mess I had to clean up after he was gone. I kept all of that locked up to myself because I was so afraid that if I started to throw it back at him I might never be able to stop.

So what will I do with the letter? I will respond to him. I will thank him for the comfort that it brought, the memories that were precious to be reminded of. I will accept his apology. I will also let him know, for the first time really, how it felt to be on the other side of the equation.

Is there a chance of rekindling? Absolutely not. It wouldn't be fair to myself or to him. For no matter how many years of sobriety he gets under his belt....I would always be waiting....wondering....and expecting that moment when the world gets turned upside down once again. I played with the fire...and I got burned. I won't be sticking my hand back in it again.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 10/25/2006 9:51:02 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 9:58:08 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Exceedingly well said, Erin and exceedingly poignant and touching. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 10:16:07 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Its been amazing reading the things you have had to say.  I have no different or better advice to offer you.  I do wish you well and i hope it works out for you.  I hope it doesnt weigh to heavily on you and i hope it doesnt effect your on going life.  I hope it doesnt divert your life or stop you in your tracks.  I hope dealing with this has minimal to no negative consquences attached to it.  I hope they are all postive.

I think what you are doing with the letter is the best thing possible.  i have found the easiest way to get over things and to get past them is to tell who ever, excatly what they've done and excatly how it felt. 

i didnt have a relationship with my father for the first 18 - 20 years of my life.  I was angry and hurt by him.  I dont know why, but one day i just started emailing him - everything.  I gave back all my anger and hurt.  I said in a way, "you gave this to me, so take it back"  His recieving it helped greatly too.  When others refuse to accept responsiblity of the consquences of their actions you are still left with them.  I ranted and raved at my father and i told him how despicable he was.  I told him how much i despised hiim and what a terrible father he was.  I told how hurt i was that he just let me drown as a child and never stepped in to save me.  How he just left me to my fate and treated me like i had fallen off the face of the planet.  I wasnt nice and i didnt hold back.  I gave it ALL back to him. 

He took the responsibility and accepted my feelings.  From there we have grown.  The anger, the hurt, the hostility - is honestly all gone.  I have forgiven him beyond what i ever thought possible.  It literally cleared the skys for me and for my father and today we have one of the best relationships. 

So as emotional and maybe as hostile as it seems - i agree with giving it back.  You dont deserve it nor should you carry it with you.  You did nothing wrong.  So give all of it back.  Set yourself free and move foward.  I think, honestly that there is no moving forward until it is all completely given back.  Every last piece of it.  If he's really contrite - i think he will accept it gladly, because he knows it belongs to him. 

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 10/25/2006 10:17:21 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 11:34:24 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Write him back thanking him for the letter then burn the letter and move on with your life. 4 years in prison isnt going to make him a saint. He needs a place to stay and someone to pity him. He chose you to do that. Don't fall for it.  

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 1:20:10 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I'm grateful you chose to share this with us.
You're being helpful in a way you can't even know to the people on these boards who have had similar experiences.
You're making the right choice by not looking back in this case.   M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 5:35:01 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So what will I do with the letter? I will respond to him. I will thank him for the comfort that it brought, the memories that were precious to be reminded of. I will accept his apology. I will also let him know, for the first time really, how it felt to be on the other side of the equation.

Is there a chance of rekindling? Absolutely not. It wouldn't be fair to myself or to him. For no matter how many years of sobriety he gets under his belt....I would always be waiting....wondering....and expecting that moment when the world gets turned upside down once again. I played with the fire...and I got burned. I won't be sticking my hand back in it again.



Hello mistoferin,

You post that you will respond, etc., to his letter, and that the past is dead.  But I do not see you state that you will respond to him, let him know that you forgive him, but you dont state that you will let him know that is from your past and you have moved on.

Knowing that he is dead to you is probably good information for him to have.

As a side note, we in California have what is called a "Do Not Trespass" order which you file with the district attorneys office.  They get a copy.  If they trespass on your property, the District Attorney files the restraining order and you are not required to show up in court to face the person.  I am not sure how viiolating one of those would affect a parolee, but I dont really see this as being your problem.

If it were me, I would have one of those filled out for him to get when his parole goes through and he gets out.  Better safe than, well, not safe.

Sinergy


_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 7:54:21 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Sinergy,
Thank you very much for your response and the information. It is greatly appreciated.

That said though, I need to clarify. He is not dead to me...the only thing that is dead is the relationship that we shared. There is no animosity or contempt between us and I will always care about him. I have no fear of him. We have the same circle of friends and I am quite sure that there will be many occasions where we will find ourselves guests within the same group.

My issues are not with the man he is...but with the drunken man he became. I have made it abudantly clear to him that the latter will never again be welcome in my presence. As a sober man though, I would still trust him to this day with my very life.

It is my wish for him that he once again finds his footing in this world and that his path will ultimately lead to happiness.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/25/2006 10:10:33 PM   
EvilGeoff


Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		Erin,

Your journey has not been an easy one, and I wish I could reach out and ease the pain of the past.  I grew up in a family of alcoholics, mother and father both, maternal and paternal grandfathers, perhaps even further back.  I understand, fro the child's point of view, the broken trust, the lies, the anger, the frustration.

I also understand the love and letting go.

It's hard to admit that we can't "fix" the past.  What was, was.  What is, is.  But for what it is worth, thank you for finding the courage to share this part of your journey with us.  And hopefully you will find some comfort and support from those of us who listen.

{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}

YIK,
- Geoff

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: When the past just won't stay dead - 10/26/2006 4:24:55 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Yeah, old relationships sometimes pop back up like Glenn Close at the end of Fatal Attraction, but one thing I've noticed is that I haven't talked to someone for a long time, and then start talking to him or her for whatever reason, it doesn't take very long for me to remember why I stopped talking to that person in the first place.


Got that right....


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 59
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