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Happiness - 10/27/2006 3:43:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have been reading some threads about who has it easier and who has it harder in Ds relationships. This thread is not directly about that, it is about happiness, peace, and contentment.

This came to my mind because several people seemed to think that the dominant in the relationship is responsible for the happiness, peace, and contentment of the submissive. If this is the case I would dare say that the dominant does have the short end of the stick, but is it truly the case?

I feel as though I am responsible for my own happiness. I am the only one that can control my feelings. I do not expect my dominant to own my feelings, they are mine and I decided how I am going to feel or if I am going to allow that to dictate how I behave. Like my Daddy has said, if I am allowing my emotions to control me, he isn't.

So do submissives feel that their dominant person controls their happiness? Is the dominant person responsible for your happiness?

Dominants, do you feel as though it is your responsibility to make a submissive happy?

Really curious to see some of the responses

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 3:59:16 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I guess if I was in a serious relationship I would feel some responsibility for the happiness of my sub because I would be an important part in her life and her happiness would have a direct bearing on my happiness. Though I would remain realistic as to how much I could be responsible for someone elses happiness. For just a play partner then its just fun and games and I would feel no responsibility at all beyond a scene, assuming that the scene was nothing to do with the sub's disposition.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:02:52 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		No i dont think its there job.  Kind of like boredom - its a state of mind.  If you're bored only you can entertain yourself.  Technically long term.  If one were to leave it up to a Dom to make them happy - it would only be short term, for the moment happy.  Long term happiness and contentment comes from inside of yourself, by your actions, choices or ect. 

Take a miserable unhappy person.  Get them laid and they'd prolly be happy for the moment, but they cant be having sex all the time.  So its not a long term happy. 

But then i shouldnt really be talking at the mo


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:08:18 PM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I am of the opinion that happiness comes from within. Those who seek happiness from without are doomed to live in a constant mode of chasing the wind. 

In terms of romantic relationships, whether they be kink-oriented or plain vanilla, happiness is something that you should already possess, and be looking to share with someone.  

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:09:31 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		We are responsible for our contentment, our happiness, our life.  My Dom has helped me with finding some calm in my life.  This was something he knew was needed and it was also something we talked about at length, I asked him for guidance .  I would never expect him to "make" me happy or content.  I want those things on my own, regardless of who is in my life.  I think it's bad to wrap up everything in your life with another person.  Relationships sometimes come to end, and where are you if only one person can provide contentment and happiness for you?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:10:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I guess if I was in a serious relationship I would feel some responsibility for the happiness of my sub because I would be an important part in her life and her happiness would have a direct bearing on my happiness. Though I would remain realistic as to how much I could be responsible for someone elses happiness. For just a play partner then its just fun and games and I would feel no responsibility at all beyond a scene, assuming that the scene was nothing to do with the sub's disposition.


But isn't the sub just as responsible for the happiness of the dominant? I feel the same way about my partner, as though my actions impact them and if I can take certain actions to make their life more peaceful and contenting I will do that. But on an intrinsic level I understand that I can decide to be happy or unhappy, and while a relationship can make one dissatisfied, it is only part of the equation.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:22:04 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I think that ultimately we're all responsible for ourselves, including our own happiness.  Anybody expecting me to be responsible for their happiness needs a clown as a Master (ok, no snickering from the peanut gallery).
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:26:15 PM   
subjected2006


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Yes they get the short end of the stick,,but they have  the option of  drawing another straw.
As submissives we lose that option.
I believe we do, I know that technically we are allowed to get out of a relationship for certain reasons, say for instance it  becomes that which we don't find fulfilling.
But you are right ..we get out what we put into our relationships.





_____________________________

a rose is a rose..

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:28:40 PM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		In my opinion, the answer is like that old dating adage. If you're not happy with yourself, you won't be happy with someone else.
 
My Daddy is responsible for many things. None of those things include entertaining me or making me happy. He does those things, but they are just a byproduct of our relationship. Another person can bring you more happiness, but they shouldn't be reponsible for bringing it there in the first place.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:30:37 PM   
nikaa


Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline 		This is a very personal issue and one my Master and I have dealt with in our relationship. He felt like he was responsible for my happiness or unhappiness.
 
My emotions are MINE to own, take responsibility for, and manage.My happiness is not dependent on someone else,though actions may affect my happiness they do not control it(unless I give up that control).
 
I want to receive authentic and genuine love. I want the person I am with to be real, to be themselves. If I have to tell the other person how and what to do…is the result genuine and authentic to me?  
 
I can only ask someone else to change to the same degree I am also willing to change.  So if I can not be happy within myself how can I expect or ask someone else to “make” me happy? 
 
No one expects me to be an angel except myself.
No one expects me to be super woman but myself.
No one expects me to be perfect but myself.
 
So in the end I must accept that I am not an angel.
So in the end I must accept that I am not super woman.
So in the end I must accept my imprefection.
 
Or I MUST accept and expect to be unhappy.

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika


The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.


Wakan Tankan Nici Un




(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:30:39 PM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		While we each have responsibility for our own emotions and thus our own happiness. As an owner I do bare responsibility for the conditions of my house. Since it is my responsibility to learn and understand what makes my property tick, there are things that I can do to create an environment that we both find pleasing. So while I can remove obstacles to their happiness, in the end it's up to them.

Just as it's a personal choice to be offended, so is the choice to be happy or not.

_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:31:34 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

But isn't the sub just as responsible for the happiness of the dominant?



To the same point for both. If you are in a relationship and aren't bothered about your partner's disposition, its not much of a relationship. Ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness but I'm baffled as to how one can be happy in a relationship if one doesn't feel some responsibility for their partner's happiness as Rover suggests.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 4:53:52 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I think people in a relationship can influence each others' happiness, but I do not think anyone can "make" someone else happy.

In my case, I was a very unhappy person when Master found me.  Through his teachings, I learned myself, and I became excited about life again, and I became happy.  He laid out the path for me, but I had to choose to take it.  I could have chosen to remain in my misery, finding fault in all things.  He has great influence over my state of mind, on a daily basis.  But, I can choose to be down, or I can choose to be hopeful and at peace.

Conversely, Master is responsible for his own happiness.  I can influence his mood, however.  I can cause him to be delighted by something, or annoyed by something, or irritated.  But his overall happiness belongs to him.  Odds are if I were a consistent negative influence to him, I would not belong to him very long.

I look back on my marriage, and how unhappy I was in it.  I could easily say he made me miserable.  But I let him.  So I was ultimately responsible for my misery.  Until I had the strength and knowledge to see that, however, I did not realize just how much influence I also had on my state of mind.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 5:07:54 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subfever

I am of the opinion that happiness comes from within. Those who seek happiness from without are doomed to live in a constant mode of chasing the wind. 

In terms of romantic relationships, whether they be kink-oriented or plain vanilla, happiness is something that you should already possess, and be looking to share with someone.  


Yeah, i call that a person who is chasing one temporary high after another, always looking on the outside and the periphery of their life.  They have to chase because they do not OWN that feeling, for it is always on the outside looking in and that person is always looking out side themselves.
 
When i continually obess over what i don't have and focus on all the things that make me feel bad, sad, etc., then i miss out and may even neglect what is there right in front of me, and the good things i do have.  It is better to be grateful for something, for it is harder to feel depressed while in the midst of feeling grateful.  Of course i have those down times, lately they are hitting hard. *sigh and i may have to work a bit harder to keep a balance.  But i believe as julia does in that i am responsible for my own happiness, and when i have a different outlook, i tend to make better choices for myself. 
 
i believe that when i am in a relationship with anyone, no matter what the power dynamic, that happiness works best when it is mutually cared for and fostered by those involved.  It then becomes one of when i am down the other is there to lift me, and vice versa.  If the person i am with is mainly dependant upon me for their happiness, well, it puts an extra responsibility on me, (because they are not carrying their own weight) and then my own personal balance begins to suffer, for i can't carry another in that way.  With happiness, i believe that on the inside, only i can get there and own my feelings.  Just as i can't get into another person that deeply to fix what ails them in  that regard.  It has to be a personal affirmation, confirmation and/or desire, goal or intention. 
 
If i own myself, and i own my feelings and therefore my own happiness, no one can take it away from me.  Sure someone can wound me, but that is different to me, than being void of happiness. It is also more fulfilling for me when in the dynamic, when i can then give away to another that which i have owned, nurtured and cared for.  The other person is not receiving shabby unkempt goods in that regard.  I remember one master who taught me early on, that my first duty to him was to care for his property, and that meant to keep a balanced nurture and positive outlook, which then only served to increase our relationship, because we were both carrying our own loads, but doing it together.

(in reply to subfever)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 5:15:01 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Making my boy happy is PART of my responsability, yes.  It is not my sole responsability, I expect him to be able to amuse himself and make himself happy as well. He has other friends, he has hobbies and activities that are not directly related to me.  These things, I would assume, make him happy as well.

Thats like is he responsable for my happiness.  Not toaly, though I wouldexpect him to contribute to it.

Hope that helps.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to raiken)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 5:20:14 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		No, I do not think that my Lord controls or is responsible for my happiness.  He and alandra influence my happiness but only I am responsible for it.  This is true for any emotion that I have.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 5:25:10 PM   
PiercedDaz


Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline 		I see the dynamic as being the yin and yang symbol. The two sides weave into each other, the two sides make the whole. There is no black without white. There is no white without black.

The relationship is a 'partnership', a unison.

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"A taboo is a strong social prohibition relating to any area of human activity or social custom declared as sacred and forbidden; breaking of the taboo is usually considered objectionable or abhorrent by society"......Woohoo!!!

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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 5:39:26 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline 		Hmm, I am generally a happy person. Granted, I have my moments that a bad day get's to me and I go off; or there are times that he wants me to do something and I just don't want to so I get a bit moody...

but generally, I am pretty happy with myself, my life, and the choices I have made. I don't need another to KEEP me happy, though it is nice that he is there to HELP me stay happy and content.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 5:41:53 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I think people in a relationship can influence each others' happiness, but I do not think anyone can "make" someone else happy.


*g*  I did not read this before I made my post... but I am not surprised that we used the same description.

Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Happiness - 10/27/2006 6:10:08 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I think people in a relationship can influence each others' happiness, but I do not think anyone can "make" someone else happy.


*g*  I did not read this before I made my post... but I am not surprised that we used the same description.

Kyra


Hee hee

Yes, but you used less words than I to make the same point. There's a surprise...

(in reply to kyraofMists)
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