RE: Negative postings

RE: Negative postings (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

juliaoceania -> RE: Negative postings (11/1/2006 2:04:59 PM)
But being negative is not necessarily inherently bad, the universe should be balanced after all. There is a difference between being necessarily negative about something and polyannish. Negative does not always equate to mean, cruel, and barbarous.... just saying there is a place for everything, even negativity, now we can debate if the negative outweigh the postive around here, but I bet there are more positive posts than negative posts.... negative ones just seem to stick out more (especially if we feel they are aimed at us[;)])

Mikal -> RE: Negative postings (11/1/2006 2:22:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom You want to give a starving person food and I want to teach them to feed themselves. Both are valid goals but I believe mine is better in the long run. Teaching someone to feed themselves is fine and dandy, but what about the person who is so starved, that death is a close shadow? Giving them food at that time would be better... then, when they're not so starved, teach them. Just my two cents [:)]

adaddysgirl -> RE: Negative postings (11/1/2006 4:03:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mikal quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom You want to give a starving person food and I want to teach them to feed themselves. Both are valid goals but I believe mine is better in the long run. Teaching someone to feed themselves is fine and dandy, but what about the person who is so starved, that death is a close shadow? Giving them food at that time would be better... then, when they're not so starved, teach them. Just my two cents [:)] When i reread CD's response above, i was thinking the same exact thing (but didn't feel like posting again....lol). my reaction would also be to feed them, then teach them (or do a little of both at the same time). When a little kid falls off his bike and scrapes his knee, he runs to mommy. She cleans him up and kisses his boo-boo to make it all better. Then daddy says 'i told you a million times not to ride your bike so fast!' (You ain't gonna see him kissin' the boo-boo....lol) In many cases, the mother is the nurturer, the father the disciplinarian (of sorts). Unfortunately, i was a single parent so i had to be both. Again, i look at it as a balance i reached. Hey, maybe it's just a female thing! [sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif] In any event, CD believes his is "better in the long run". If that's what works for him in his interpersonal relationships, then so be it. But let's just hope his sub is never starving [sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=lol.gif] DG

CrappyDom -> RE: Negative postings (11/1/2006 5:47:01 PM)
If I sense that the person is ready to learn, I often respond in a caring sensative manner. Many who come here are not ready to learn and grow and my response is not for them but is instead for some more quiet soul reading the thread who might be ready to learn. I realize that sounds horribly arrogant but since I have also posted some of the more revealing and humbling posts here I think I can get away with it.

Mikal -> RE: Negative postings (11/1/2006 8:56:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom ... I have also posted some of the more revealing and humbling posts... You??? HUMBLE???? [sm=ugh.gif][sm=lol.gif][sm=ugh.gif][sm=lol.gif] Granted, I haven't scourged all threads yet, but... you do NOT seem the least bit humble... not that that's a bad thing... lol, I'm sure you're a muffin at home! [:)] At least people know where they stand with you... nothin' sugar coated, so no one can scream "I didn't understand!!" or "but... I thought you meant ....". It's just nicer to be nice... and (generally) give people the benefit of doubt... feed them. If they choke, then show them how to feed themselves. [sm=cool.gif] My two cents, again.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Negative postings (11/1/2006 9:07:02 PM)
OK, but I, on the other hand, really am humble.

adaddysgirl -> RE: Negative postings (11/2/2006 6:26:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom If I sense that the person is ready to learn, I often respond in a caring sensative manner. Many who come here are not ready to learn and grow and my response is not for them but is instead for some more quiet soul reading the thread who might be ready to learn. I realize that sounds horribly arrogant but since I have also posted some of the more revealing and humbling posts here I think I can get away with it. *i guess the problem is in who is really* ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act?** i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. Was she asking because she was really ready to learn something? shrugs As a female (and probably others here can relate to this as well), i have good friends and family members that have been in abusive (or just very unhappy) relationships.....who call when they need to cry. In reality, we both know what they need to do...but it seems they have just not quite reached the point of doing it yet. Frustrating? Yes! Would i turn them away even after time and time again? No! But most importantly, would i ridicule them in some way when they are sharing this with me, regardless of how redundant it may seem at the time? Absolutely not! And i find that sometimes people are not really looking for solutions....they are merely venting. i've done that myself at times. Big difference. But anyway....i have read some of your posts CD. i really have not found them offensive. While you seem to have a 'shit or get off the pot' type of attitide, i have not seen you as belittling...either overtly or covertly. (But then again, i'm fairly new and haven't seen a lot of what you've posted...lol) Again....someone posting just to attack another poster is not my idea of intelligent conversation....and i'm really not sure what point they are trying to prove [8\|] DG

aryan -> RE: Negative postings (11/6/2006 7:29:57 PM)
This is a really interesting thread. I apply the same tactic with others that I use with my kids. When my kids are truly in need of attention, empathy, or guidance, I provide it. If they ask me the same question twice, perhaps it's because I didn't give a clear signal or acknowledge them in a clear way. If they ask me a bazillion times after having been answered, or if they barage me with similar questions without taking the time to see if I answered, then I use silence. If you pay attention to a whining kid, it gets worse. If you ignore the behavior, it goes away and the stress involved is drastically reduced (and your ears will thank you sooner). A kid, or vis-a-vis an impatient or "whiny" poster, knows when they are being sincere or ridiculous and they'll respond accordingly...usually. One thing remains constant, though. If they are truly in need or just being a pain in the arse, I remain calm, cool, and logical. People are people after all. Regardless of how outrageous I think someone is being, I try to talk to them with respect, in the hopes that maybe they'll learn by example. I'm all for telling somone to wisen up if its deserved, but I find I rarely have to get to that point. I admit, though, that sometimes people just have to be verbally slapped.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 7:42:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster OK, but I, on the other hand, really am humble. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...but I am humble even in the nearly blinding light of my own magnificence...therefore I am more humble.

Sinergy -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 8:12:51 AM)
Hello A/all, Since this thread seems to have started discussing how to provide negative feedback to individuals, I wanted to talk about a concept we use at our kick-in-the-head job, which I believe is also de rigeur in couples interaction therapies. We say... I feel (state the feeling) When you (state the action) Would you please (offer a solution) This frames it in terms of my feelings, describes how an action appears, and requests the person do something. I am not sure what it is called by therapists, but we refer to it as a shit sandwich. Sinergy

Sinergy -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 8:18:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania But being negative is not necessarily inherently bad, the universe should be balanced after all. Reminds me of that scene in "Once upon a time in Mexico" where Johnny Depp points out to Antonio Banderas that his pork is the best he has ever had. Then he says that when he is finished eating it he has to go kill the chef to maintain the balance in the world. Not sure what that has to do with posting on collarme, but there you go. Sinergy

Mikal -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 8:27:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster OK, but I, on the other hand, really am humble. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...but I am humble even in the nearly blinding light of my own magnificence...therefore I am more humble. All I gotta say is: [:D][:D][:D][:D][:D] But, at least you two are interesting.... snickers

crouchingtigress -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 8:43:43 AM)
quote: *guess the problem is in who is really* ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act? i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. aloha adaddysgirl, [:)] what that says to me is that her learning did not take the form you wanted it to take, and therefore you draw the conclusion she learned nothing. since we dont have conclusive proof i would like to offer my take on the situation for your consideration: i know in my life i often need some time to change my ways, or shift gears,... big behavioral changes rarely happen over night. when someone leaves i like to imagine that is what they are doing ...going off and thinking about things...and even if they are not, i still like to think a seed has been planted and in time will grow... i know for myself i can see as i look back many times where seeds were planted and took years to blossom, but i am the person i am today because of that lil piece of wisdom or that powerful insight.** one thing i do know and that studies have proven is that if you want some one to get your message say it with kindness, we will not hear as well or at all when being attacked. In fact there is a precise correlation to what we are able to retain and the way it is offered to us, so although i do get frustrated on these boards i still try to stay possitive and see the best in folks....i find its a great way to live life.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 8:45:14 AM)
ill be honest i really never understood that scene...am i missing something? can you explain it to me?

adaddysgirl -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 9:08:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress quote: *guess the problem is in who is really* ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act? i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. aloha adaddysgirl, [:)] what that says to me is that her learning did not take the form you wanted it to take, and therefore you draw the conclusion she learned nothing.** Well crouch, this really wasn't about me. If you go back to my post, i was actually referencing CD's post. i was actually asking how do we know if someone is actually ready to learn....or act on it. i was implying it is hard to tell....that's why i 'shrugged'....lol. i did not think i implied that she learned nothing. And i agree with what you are saying in the rest of your post. i was actually advocating kindness in responses....instead of attack. Hope that's clearer. Be well [&:] DG

crouchingtigress -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 9:12:51 AM)
much clearer, thank you[;)] quote: ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress quote: *guess the problem is in who is really* ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act? i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. aloha adaddysgirl, [:)] what that says to me is that her learning did not take the form you wanted it to take, and therefore you draw the conclusion she learned nothing.** Well crouch, this really wasn't about me. If you go back to my post, i was actually referencing CD's post. i was actually asking how do we know if someone is actually ready to learn....or act on it. i was implying it is hard to tell....that's why i 'shrugged'....lol. i did not think i implied that she learned nothing. And i agree with what you are saying in the rest of your post. i was actually advocating kindness in responses....instead of attack. Hope that's clearer. Be well [&:] DG

mkswing -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 11:16:29 AM)
dont worry about that. some people like posting negative things.

LaTigresse -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 11:52:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl As a female (and probably others here can relate to this as well), i have good friends and family members that have been in abusive (or just very unhappy) relationships.....who call when they need to cry. In reality, we both know what they need to do...but it seems they have just not quite reached the point of doing it yet. Frustrating? Yes! Would i turn them away even after time and time again? No! But most importantly, would i ridicule them in some way when they are sharing this with me, regardless of how redundant it may seem at the time? Absolutely not! And i find that sometimes people are not really looking for solutions....they are merely venting. i've done that myself at times. Big difference. DG DG please forgive me for deleting the stuff that was not applicable. Call me a cold hearted bitch but I am one of those people that will not sit and listen to a friend or family member bitch moan and whine repeatedly about the same issue. I don't want to hear it. Granted, the first time, I am very sympathetic, give my opinion or advice if it is asked for, and will generally do whatever I can to help. But, if the person is continually unwilling to do the work and change their own situation I don't have any time for them. I just cannot abide the perpetual victim routine. Especially when it is a situation of their own creation or even worse yet, affecting innocent parties. I cannot stand the repetitive public appeals for sympathy from this type of person and will do my best to avoid them. If I cannot avoid them I generally come across as quite a bitch. Don't get me wrong, I don't set out to be negative. I am actually a very postive person for the most part. All to often though it seems that people are just begging for a verbal flogging, and of course run whimpering when they actually get it. Which of course makes people like me look like even bigger bullies/assholes. Thats cool, I can take it and I am sure most people that react as I do can. My opinion is that if you don't want to hear the good, bad and the ugly about a sensitive issue then you had better keep it to yourself. If they were smart they would quit getting their delicate panties in a bunch and try to figure out WHY the stuff that bothers them does, what can they learn from it, move on. Guess that goes back to that common sense idea.....

juliaoceania -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 12:26:28 PM)
I am with you LaT. I will listen even more than once, I will listen until the person has hashed and rehashed in several directions, but there comes a point that the "victim" becomes the "victimizer" by sucking the life force out of you. I had a neighbor that I called a psychic vampire. When she was down it was like her whole entire body was slumped over in depression... her entire being radiated negativity.. she was down a lot. I would avoid her like she had the plague because to even say hello was inviting a sea of negativity my way and I just did not want to feel badly after having her inflict her negative energy on me. Now perhaps that makes me a bad person, but I came to the conclusion my feeling badly was not going to help her anyways.. so why go there? There is being a good friend, and then there is being a martyr. I am not a martyr.

LaTigresse -> RE: Negative postings (11/7/2006 12:45:22 PM)
Julia, I completely understand what you are saying, and no, I do not think that makes you a bad person at all. There really are people that just seem to radiate negativity and the vampire term is very applicable. I remember a while back, one or even several, threads on empathy that really resonated with me. I do have a tendency to open up too much to other's pain and there comes a point that you simply must withdraw for your own survival. However, I am sure that others manage this with more tact than I have in the past.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875