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Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 9:24:38 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		         During my younger days, in a fruitless quest to understand the "feminine mystique"..........to grasp the psychological composition of the fairer sex, I read alot of women's magazines.  Elle, Good Housekeeping, Vogue, Seventeen,  etc, were all stacked in my closet, where most teenage boys would keep back issues of Playboy and raunchy Hustler centerfolds safely tucked away from the public eye.

Now, in the hierarchy of publications for women, Cosmopolitan, arguably reigns supreme as one of the most widely-read, estrogen-focused mags.........and my poor brain has consumed more issues of Cosmo than most bored "stay at home" moms.  For years, Cosmopolitan magazine has built their sordid empire peddling makeup tips, sex articles, and dietary plans.

Over and over again, I read the same thing on the cover:  "Find Out What He REALLY Wants in Bed", or  "What His Body Language Means About Your Relationship. (Page 137)"

Do you mean to tell me that they understand US ???????  These articles always peaked my curiosity....that is, until I actually flipped to the page in question, and read about five or six paragraphs of the asinine suppositions ever put forth by the minds of woman-kind. 

"He'd like to see you realize the full potential of your sensuality.  Spice things up by coming up with covert "code-words" for sex, and work him into the mood while maintaining public decency."
 
      WRONG, BITCHES!!!!!! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!  Fire your sex columnist right now, and hire Yours Truly to tell it like it is.  From now on, men will thank me for spreading the American sex gospel in women's magazines.

If I wrote the "Find Out What Guy's Want" articles in Cosmo, you better damn well believe I'd be one "truth-tellin' " son of a bitch.  Imagine the new,  "What His Body Language Means to Your Relationship" piece as penned by the Swankster.

Lack of eye contact during serious conversations generally means that there is a serious lack of anal sex in the relationship.....which is probably whittling away at your man's self esteem.  Help out by freely offering up your booty for everyday use, no matter what kind of mood you're in!!!!
 
            Or how about this???

If a man seems reluctant to discuss the future of your relationship, or whether a wedding ring might be just around the corner, you'd better stop and ask yourself,  "Have I offered him my ass lately"?  Don't get me wrong girls....the vagina is nice, but can be circumscribing and detrimental to a relationship if not used in conjunction with regular anal sex.  Bring up the issue in a tasteful manner, such as, "Gosh.....I sure haven't had a big, fat, veiny cock up my butt in SOOOOO long."
 
        Maybe women are just relunctant to accept the truth about men.  We're not complicated creatures, Ladies.........at least get it right in the magazines.



< Message edited by TreSwank -- 10/31/2006 10:22:43 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 9:28:40 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		OMG Spanky, you are a delight!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to TreSwank)
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RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 9:29:00 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		I've always said, listen to the Wankster and you're guaranteed a long and hellish relationship.

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to TreSwank)
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RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 9:31:41 AM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline 		LMAO

You do know how gay this makes you sound, right? Nothin' wrong with that, just sayin.

quote:

During my younger days, in a fruitless quest to understand the "feminine mystique"..........to grasp the psychological composition of the fairer sex, I read alot of women's magazine's. Elle, Good Housekeeping, Vogue, Seventeen, etc, were all stacked in my closet, where most teenage boys would keep back issues of Playboy and raunchy Hustler centerfolds safely tucked away from the public eye.


_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 9:43:35 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		The reason they print so much of this stuff Tre, is that women everywhere wished to God that there was more going on inside a man's head than food-sex-sport-beer (in any and every order, for variable lengths of time), and so women will buy this stuff all the time, in the vain hope that they might be able to see something more by way of its "wisdom".

Its pure marketing - give the people what they want, but never enough of what they want that they wont buy again at ever increasing price. Genius.

BTW, if its anal sex youre really after, then I'm sure there'll be some guys down the public loos right now who'd oblige, but purely on a give and take basis. I wonder whether there's much difference between a guy's anus and a girl's? There's something for you to find out!

E



_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to Lorelei115)
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RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 9:53:05 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		That's not true!!!  With the exception of the occasional baseball game, I'm not a sports fan.  Now where's my beer?

I'm sorry, but I don't think that I should base my intrinsic value as a person on how I appear to the opposite gender.  While the women-folk obsess about makeup, losing weight, and every cheap emotional trick used to ensnare a man in a web of bullshit, I'll just have to continue living the simplicity and honesty of a man's existence.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 10/31/2006 10:07:19 AM >

(in reply to LadyEllen)
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RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:05:16 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreSwank

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

The reason they print so much of this stuff Tre, is that women everywhere wished to God that there was more going on inside a man's head than food-sex-sport-beer (in any and every order, for variable lengths of time),

E




That's NOT TRUE!!  With the exception of the occasional baseball game, I'm not a sports fan!!!  Now where's my beer?


Seems to me that men are aware of their limitations and with the smorgasbord of titillations out there have filled their plate with only the most necessary of the
life-enhancing thoughts and activities to lead a truely serene and fruitful exsistance.

Cleverly enough, there is some personal tailoring that can take place among this solid core of nourishing soulfood pyramid...........

For instance, TheSwankster is not amenable to the sporting life-pillar and substitutes it with the expert coloring (including tools such as gloves and hoodies) segment.

Another may choose to lose the sporting foundation entirely and choose another life-enriching process or even replace it with larger shares of sex and beer.......

So it is all good, and while not the perfect plan, I see it as time tested and satisfactory in the main.


Caveman Ron  

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to TreSwank)
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RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:05:33 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.  Seeeex.  Spooooooorts.  Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex.   Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.  Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex.  Spoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorts.  Food.  Beeeeeer.

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:09:12 AM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline
quote:

Another may choose to lose the sporting foundation entirely and choose another life-enriching process or even replace it with larger shares of sex and beer.......


Very true. My ex was nothing but food and sex.

_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:12:53 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		That is quite possibly the most insightful thing that I've read in the last couple weeks, mnottertail.  Kudos!!!!

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:18:47 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I have noticed that you offer up some good floaters from time-to-time, and thank you.

Now, if we can get the girls out here to augment our oneness of sublime purpose, our sound judgement and iron will,  we can save the money they spend on cosmo, and buy a better grade of beer, thus making the globe a better place to live in for all peoples.

Thanks again

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to TreSwank)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:23:52 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline 		Amen, brutha Ron.  I don't need emotional gobbledegook, and empty phrases to make me feel complete.  Sometimes, I just have to ask myself what the hell women are talking about.  What does "he just didn't know how to love" actually mean?  Do women and gay guys speak this cryptic nonsense just to confuse straight men?

There are times, when I hear actually make up my own nonsense, chick-sounding gobbledegook........especially when I'm drunk......and girls actually agree with it.  I use phrases like "the emotional rapport was strong, but it made me afraid.....and I had to run away.  I guess that I was afraid of opening up", and women actually nod their heads in concurrence, like I actually thought before I opened my mouth and spoke.

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 10/31/2006 10:51:12 AM >

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:42:06 AM   
ToGiveDivine


Posts: 650
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

The reason they print so much of this stuff Tre, is that women everywhere wished to God that there was more going on inside a man's head than food-sex-sport-beer (in any and every order, for variable lengths of time), and so women will buy this stuff all the time, in the vain hope that they might be able to see something more by way of its "wisdom".

Its pure marketing - give the people what they want, but never enough of what they want that they wont buy again at ever increasing price. Genius.

BTW, if its anal sex youre really after, then I'm sure there'll be some guys down the public loos right now who'd oblige, but purely on a give and take basis. I wonder whether there's much difference between a guy's anus and a girl's? There's something for you to find out!

E




With men, absolutely nothing can be going on in their head too.  We do have the unique ability to absolutely have no thoughts at all; so, add "nothing" to the list with the other 3.

When women come to the realization that quite a few men think differently than they do, they will find dealing with us much easier.  It's not a flaw, it's just a difference.

You'll find you can get better responses from us with direct statements (much like how you would talk to a dog LOL) rather than any vague comments.

_____________________________

These are my opinions - which may differ from your opinions. They may be right and just as equally wrong.

Beware, author is often sarcastic in his replies - most often, no sincere offense is intended.

(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:56:29 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		TGD - very true. Direct statements are what men respond to it seems, whereas women tend to make suggestions in a questioning manner, which of course the man then takes as a suggestion.

Example

Woman says - "dont you think thats a bit stupid?"
Man replies - "no"

Woman should say - "you're a feckin' eejit!"
to which man would reply - "yes"

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 10:59:46 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

TGD - very true. Direct statements are what men respond to it seems, whereas women tend to make suggestions in a questioning manner, which of course the man then takes as a suggestion.

Example

Woman says - "dont you think thats a bit stupid?"
Man replies - "no"

Woman should say - "you're a feckin' eejit!"
to which man would reply - "yes"

E


Actually, this is the way that it would really go down.

Woman:  Don't you think that's a bit stupid?
  Man:       Are you questioning my cock-wielding infallibility?
  Woman:  Oh, silly me!!! Let me go back to reading my Cosmo!! I promise not to say anything until the next time I need a jar opened.

                          (LOL)

< Message edited by TreSwank -- 10/31/2006 11:01:35 AM >

(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 11:11:40 AM   
RosaB


Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

quote:





With men, absolutely nothing can be going on in their head too.  We do have the unique ability to absolutely have no thoughts at all; so, add "nothing" to the list with the other 3.

When women come to the realization that quite a few men think differently than they do, they will find dealing with us much easier.  It's not a flaw, it's just a difference.

You'll find you can get better responses from us with direct statements (much like how you would talk to a dog LOL) rather than any vague comments.



I keep telling my girlfriends this, but they don't get it.  Nothing like a good little dog in my book

Rosa

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 11:14:31 AM   
SissySean


Posts: 376
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		Woman: "Don't you think that's a bit stupid?"
Man: "Woof?"
Woman : "Bitch"


_____________________________

"I know it hurts too much, I know you're scared. I know you're running out of trust, wishing you were dead. Drown in your misery, you're not alone, come share your tears with me and witness it all go wrong."

Amanda Palmer is HOT!!

(in reply to RosaB)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 11:18:03 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		Could the men here, please translate the following useful phrases into manspeak for the ladies?

1) can you put "Sex and the City" on please?
2) when are you putting out the trash?
3) do you think the lawn needs mowing?
4) could you help me with this?
5) I'm going to the store? (question mark intended)

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to RosaB)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 11:25:14 AM   
TreSwank


Posts: 1165
Joined: 3/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Could the men here, please translate the following useful phrases into manspeak for the ladies?

1) can you put "Sex and the City" on please?
2) when are you putting out the trash?
3) do you think the lawn needs mowing?
4) could you help me with this?
5) I'm going to the store? (question mark intended)

E


I wonder why the task of lawn mowing is automatically assumed to be a man's responsibility.   I'm tired of being cast into this "yard-work, tool handlin', woman-protectin' , man's man" role by women.  You know what I want to be?...........a "stay at home" dad.  Let's reverse gender roles for the next eight years, so I can finish out the remainder of my twenties living the easy life.

(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine - 10/31/2006 11:27:52 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Could the men here, please translate the following useful phrases into manspeak for the ladies?

1) can you put "Sex and the City" on please?
2) when are you putting out the trash?
3) do you think the lawn needs mowing?
4) could you help me with this?
5) I'm going to the store? (question mark intended)

E


1) would you please change the channel to X, while I get you an ice cold beer?
2)  After you return from disposing the garbage, I want to give you a dog licking peanut butter blowjob, K? (with a real perky attitude)
3) (don't even say shit like that, too touchy feely)
4) acceptable as stated, knowing that you shouln't repeat it if we do not, assume you have been answered in the negative.
5) I have to go get you some beer and I will be picking up some other things, how many cases do you want? And do you want me to pick up (insert mans favorite food here) for tonight?  (see? expansion of the conversation, if it is still on topic is perfectly acceptable.)

That about covers it



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 20
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