MsOpal
Posts: 244
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline
|
I would like to come back and address the "are some things better left unsaid" and "what if it will hurt them but clear your conscience" ideas. This is a reverse reply becaus __I__ was the one left in the dark until it 'came out'.
Argent and I have been "hoping to find" a 3rd to add to our home. He and were both very attached to a young lady way back in the beginning and she said she was to us; to the point that after months of emails chats and phone calls, we were ready to meet. We purchased her plane ticket, round trip, made plans for a one week visit, no strings and pre-agreed no sex,etc. Her family discovered her plans and told her it was sick and if she came she was never welcome to come back, so she told us she could not come. I think I was more devestated than Argent and she was to be "his" girl. She wanted to stay in touch, but we told her it was not a good idea, we all needed to get on with what we wanted in our lives. OK, I know you all see this coming - every time she faced a problem or an upset, she would call him on his cell phone, sometimes even at 2 or 3 am. He couldn't tell her no, he was still so in love with her. Yet he never told me about it because he knew it would open the wound in my heart and he wanted to spare me. But this went on for 2 or 3 months and yes finally I did hear his phone at 3am and saw him scurry out of the room to talk. First of all - it scared me to death because at that time of the night, it seemed likely to be a family emergency call. Then when I was sitting up in bed worried when he came back, he had to tell me who it was and it had been going on all along, and why he did not tell me. What it sounded like to me was someone who knew they should have said something sooner and felt guilty and was trying to cover their butt. The fact he had continued to talk to her behind my back after he and I had discussed it at length and both agreed that no contact was really better for everyone hurt me far more than if he had just said ... "she called me and really needs someone to talk to, and I have decided it is OK for me to be that someone." If only he had said that, I would have been able to deal wiht it, but his way was a serious breach of my trust in him. Fast forward, keep in mind I knew they were talking and had gotten it straight in my head, we had put together a box of things for her - copies of emails and chats (her comp had crashed and she lost it all), a letter from each of us, and a gift from each of us. Then we had decided it was best NOT to send it to her because she was getting married by then and thinking about her new husband seeing this and seeing what it was about (she lived smack dab in the middle of the deep southern bible belt) might not be a good idea. She broke up with him and asked if she could have the box, and once again, without mentioning it at all, he just sent it. The last thing we had agreed on was not to send it, and yes her circumstances changed, but all it would have taken was him saying ... "BTW, now that he is not living with her I am sending her the box." Instead it just sort of 'came out' during a particularly stressful time about a month later. It is funny in retrospect, but we were at dinner on valentines evening in a nice place, trying really hard to figure some things out, and he let's that slip ... well - I had a fork in my hand and in a nanno second I had flipped it around held like a knife and i said, pretty much in my "outside voice" ... " if I could get away with it, I would stab you with this right now" and at that moment I meant it ( but they all moved away from us on the groupW bench! LMAO)
Suffice to say, we have worked that all out and moved forward to an even better place in our relationship. But, even though he really did think knowing these things would open up hurts for me, his going behind my back hurt worse. Especially when even though we often discuss things before he makes a decision, once he does make the decision I have no more say and I know that. So all he had to do was say it ... and I would have dealt with it and gotten over it; and what he did made me doubt myself and our relationship.
So even when it might hurt, not being honest is not always the best approach. To me it boils down to each perosn has to know themselves and the other person(s) involved. You are there and you know what will push their buttons. Each relationship and each situation is different, but I still stand by that for us in our relationship, honesty is always always always best.
Opal
|
RE: Honesty in a relationship - 
Profile
RE: Honesty in a relationship - 
but not the good kind 
RE: Honesty in a relationship - 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread