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I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 5:36:48 AM   
Ashkitty


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hello everyone. It's another orgasm post, but I really needed to get this off my chest again. This turned out to be very long, so please bear with me as I spill my heart.

I have a very personal story and a lot of questions.

I have never, ever been able to cum with another person. I can handle myself just fine, but I have to be alone, hopefully blindfolded/eyes covered in a dark place, while I lay and concentrate DEEPLY for a hefty amount of time. (Usually a half hour to one and a half.. though I have had speedier records.) Although my imagination can often do the trick, stories do help, and my tastes in them are unusually kinky and relatively specific.

It has been an issue that has caused me many distraught nights over the years. I know one isn't supposed to worry about orgasm so much, but I've never been in the situation where the "who cares? just play" attitude is truly accepted casually by both parties. Every person wants to make their partner come, and as much as someone may say it doesn't matter, I've still experienced an eminating aura of thinly veiled letdown. Or progression to the point of literally not caring, and then ceasing all attempts other than those made to get their own rocks off. I've had my share of partners, from virgin to (in my book) well experienced, and I still failed every one.

I have done as much research as I could over the years. I know that I am a young woman who has not reached the magical age of orgasm enlightenment. Statistics tell me that I am fairly "normal," but personal experience and related stories remind me that I am not. I don't quite fit into the "women who've never orgasmed" percentage, nor the "women who don't orgasm through just penetration." I have yet to see a study that lists "women who can cum fine on their own but who cannot AT ALL with a partner", so if you have one of those I would be interested to see.

I am aware that I shouldn't put as much focus on this as I do, that such focus is hindering my cause. Yet what am I to do? In this day and age, with such a fixation on female orgasm, how could I not think about it? I really want to be brought to the point for my partner(s) and most importantly, myself.

Yes, most of all I want, so very, utterly badly to be able to cum for someone. That would really be my dream come true. (This is probably another issue.. sigh..)

After sex and/or play I always communicate about what I liked and how much I enjoyed it, regardless of the fact that I didn't cum. I really do enjoy such activities. Yet the reaction this elicits seems to consistantly progress to a sort of an "Oh.. you didn't come this time, either..." or, even better, "Are you SURE you didn't cum?" Which doesn't help anyone.

Although at a certain point in my life I swore to be honest about my orgasms, this repetitive disallusioned reaction has pushed me to breaking on a couple occasions. Two men believe that they are the "only man to ever make me cum". To which, when they unavoidably brag, I can give only a halfharted smile and a quiet sound of affirmation, far from convincing. I hate my lies. They are disgusting and vile. (I did, however, on both occasions end up coming clean relatively quickly. This "cried wolf" senario has had mixed results.)

I will reaffirm, for the point of discussion, that most of my fantasies are very... unrealistic. My biggest fetishes are the most taboo. This creates a problem when trying to impliment them to normal (or even kinky) sex.

I know I'm not the only girl with this general problem.

So my questions are as follows:

What do you do when you feel there's nothing left to do then fake it to make him/her happy?

What do you do if you choose never to fake it, how do you handle the sexual encounter? "I didn't cum, but it was good." Would that answer be sufficient with the right people?

On a more technical note, how do you determine the end of an encounter? When your partner cums? Is it over then? Is it over when you mutually agree in a systematic manner, "Okay, we're done now."

Do you ever feel guilty that it's feeling "really really good" and you don't want them to stop but you can tell they're working extremely hard and feel that they should rest because it's a useless journey? (pessimistic, I know... coulda worded that one better...)

Is sex therapy worth it? Has anyone here been in sex therapy with a good doctor and made the leap from alone to together?

And of course,
Any particular tips and pointers? Will someone please tell me that I'm not as doomed as I think I am?
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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:05:14 AM   
Silvermoon


Posts: 156
Joined: 11/24/2004
Status: offline 		There is a great book out there called "How to have an orgasm, As often as you want" That literally takes you step by step through the process of learning to cum. Either alone, or with a partner. Sort of like a 12 step program. Unless there is a medical condition, inability to cum is a psychological issue, almost always trust based.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Have-Orgasm-As-Often-Want/dp/0881849545

Hope that helps.

_____________________________

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"In Manus Tuas Commendo Spiritum Moum"-Into Your Hands I Entrust My Spirit

"A man's word is his honor, his honor is his worth; Therefore a man who can not keep his word, is worthless"-Self Quote

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:19:05 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		What type of medications you are on can cause it also. Thats why people with High blood pressure use Viagra or whatever.

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:21:01 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I am anything but an expert on human sexuality, just what I enjoy and my personal experiences. 
 
But I've had some experience with women who could not orgasm with a partner and found that altering the paradigm helped quite a bit (it's not magic, but it helps).  Women tend to place a great deal of emphasis on HAVING an orgasm with their partner (one might call it an obsession at times), and can become "fearful" that it won't happen (the female version of "performance anxiety"?).  I have found that by engaging in orgasm control (in which your partner controls if, when, where, how... everything related to your orgasm) you can change your fear to one of having an orgasm without permission.
 
Your partner tells you not to have an orgasm, and your focus can become not having one, rather than having one.  And human nature is such that if we're told not to do something, it seems as though that is precisely what we're drawn to do.  Combine that with what I call "brinking" (getting to the brink of orgasm, but not over) alone and with your partner (does not require penetration, just something to use for play throughout the day), reinforcement of the control aspect (ie: you need his permission to actually orgasm), and you may find yourself looking at this from an entirely different perspective.
 
That's a brief synopsis, of course.  And it goes without saying that I'm no sexual therapist (though I play one on tv) and this has no guarantee to be effective.  I can only tell you that it has been effective for me at various times in the past.
 
John

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Sri da Avabhas

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:36:56 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline
quote:

...hopefully blindfolded/eyes covered in a dark place, while I lay and concentrate DEEPLY for a hefty amount of time. (Usually a half hour to one and a half.. though I have had speedier records.) Although my imagination can often do the trick, stories do help, and my tastes in them are unusually kinky and relatively specific.
<snip>
I will reaffirm, for the point of discussion, that most of my fantasies are very... unrealistic. My biggest fetishes are the most taboo.
 
If you have someone you can trust to do this with ... try this ... cuddled up, blindfolded, his arms around you tight, his arm that is over you, languishing between your legs, touch yourself, and begin to tell a fantasy that gets you off ...whisper it in his ear, like you are both there, taking part, if you are want to squirm and moan at the thought of it, do.. touch yourself, spread your legs...anything that makes you feel in the moment ... if you need to hear him utter a line, ask him, beg him to say it ... mix up some fantasy and reality ... back and forth between the two .. take the lead and imagine if you need to, he is not there, or is someone else ...get use to sharing your fantasies in a safe space with someone ...
 
quote:

This creates a problem when trying to impliment them to normal (or even kinky) sex
 
It's not cheating or unfair to a partner to be running your fantasy script in your head while having sex.


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quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:47:07 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		I think you just need a real man who uses you and doesn't care whether you cum or not.

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:49:52 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		Jasmyn,  thats excellent advice!!   And even though i have no problems having orgasms....You've just  given me a tasty little item for my "to do list" .  Thank You

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:50:26 AM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Viagra and other said pharmaceuticals are generally prescribed to men for ED -  erectile dysfunction.  But when I have a little more time after work, I'm going to look into it's uses for females if there is any.

Here's a couple links that might or might not be helpful, perhaps some you've not read yet.  This has been a touchy subject for me as well over the years, so I understand where you are coming from and I want you to know it's not hopeless.  After I get back from work, I'll have more time to look into this.

http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/routledg/usmt/2001/00000027/00000005/art00008

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/femalesexualdysfunction.html
There's a few interesting links on this second page if you poke around.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/female-sexual-dysfunction/DS00701/DSECTION=2
this one too

http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/links/doi/10.1111/1467-9566.00005

Dnomyar brings up a good point.  There are many things that could contribute to a woman's inability to have an orgasm or lend to her difficulty of acheiving this.  It's good to look at any and all aspects of your life when looking into things.  I would suggest even talking to your OB-GYN.  It might help to talk to someone about it, and even ask them if they know of any sex therapists and whether or not they would recommend sex therapy.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 6:51:29 AM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		ashkitty

while i was always able to come quickly and easily by myself, it wasn't until i was about your age that i finally did so with a partner.  Jasmyn's advice is excellent, and the first time i was able to cum with a partner was when he manually stimulated me and told me a story/fantasy.   It still didn't happen every time after than, but oh, the pride i felt!!!! It got easier as i got older, and of course, i almost never came during the first few encounters with a new partner...it takes trust and relaxation and not worrying what you look like or sound like.

i so undrstand your frustration, especially when you read about women who have multiple orgasms, g spot orgasms, squirting orgasms....they are having them all over the place.........................it can make you feel a little inadequate. 

If your fantasies are unrealistic, then just use them in a fantasy/story that can hopefully be shared with a partner.  You are only 20, and you have many years to get there.  By the way, are you taking any anti depressants?  Such as paxil or zoloft or prozak.  Those have a major effect on the ability to orgasm.

good luck, and this was a wonderful question. 

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:05:06 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Just so you know, it is normal not just for women but also for some men.

Fox finds it incredibly difficult to orgasm around another person especially if there is skin-to-skin contact. He has several fetishes that deal with fabric and thus I think he's probably conditioned his body to respond more to them than to the feel of skin. He also has far more experience pleasuring himself than with another person, again this may have helped condition his body to be less inclined to come with another person.

That said, if one can think of sex as more than just an orgasm but as a process and a way to connect with yourself and others it may be easier to relax. Relaxing seems to be a big factor in orgasm at least a study this summer about women suggests this. I know for me if I can't relax, forget the orgasm.

From the other side, the top/dom side, it can be difficult to overcome our social training that equate attractiveness and skills with our partner's orgasm. Some folks subscribe to the idea that the sub/bottom orgasm isn't important or should be limited but for those of us who don't believe, a partner with slower or less frequent orgasms can seem like a blow to our ego. However if we voice this or demonstrate this to our partner it just feeds a vicious cycle of pressure not that relaxation that one may need.

It isn't easy to over come this training on the top/dom side but it can be done if one is willing to start adjusting what attractiveness, skills, and being a top means. For me, I can see and feel that Fox is turned on with me, being male it can be very obvious. I've learned to appreciate that and to appreciate his focus on my sexual pleasure and not focus so much on whether or not he orgasms.

I'm so that I have no solid suggestions, Ashkitty. Just try to relax and keeping focusing on the other aspects of your submission and your sexuality. If your partner keeps pressuring you to orgasm, perhaps you need to have a serious discsussion or in the worse case, re-evaluate if the positives outweight the negatives sexually with that person.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:25:56 AM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Even though its kind of funny, happypervert makes a great point.  It would certainly take off all the pressure.

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:28:29 AM   
Mariposa


Posts: 37
Joined: 9/28/2004
Status: offline 		I generally don't bother to respond, but this was such a thoughtful post....

I suppose I have a question for you:

Are you desperate to come with a partner because you want to, or because you feel you have to?

I know you've tackled this question in your post, but I think it's the most important. I know I've played with people who have come, come quickly, or not at all. One person I've played with could only "orgasm" if she were lying quietly, thinking-- so, in an effort to fascilitate parner-sex orgasm, we added me into her sedentary fantasizing. I would lie next to her while she did her thing, and occasionally she would give me instructions on how and where to touch her. We turned her private fantasies into a sort of mostly mental power-play game.

If you're looking for a very physical response-reaction sort of "orgasm," start by familiarizing yourself with your g-spot. Then, tell your partner- who I hope will be patient and indulgent how to touch it. Give hir a tuturial if you need to before you even play, so there is no pressure. Just focus on the physical response of squirting. Granted, squirting is not indicative of orgasm in the total physical mental-sense, BUT if you're with someone whose really into seeing some sort of physical evidence that they've made you happy, it can be a pleasurable activity.

I mean, the key to any solid sexual partnership is exploration. Don't go into anything thinking, "I must focus on coming. I have to come, or else I'm a freak." because I can almost guarantee you, you won't come. I know that I orgasm very rarely, but my sex life is no less satisfying for it. Some people like prolonged pleasure with a more subtle climax- but I trust my partners enough not to fake it- and I really think that trust and not the mythic and mindblowing climax is what makes for good sex.

Cheers and be well,

Mari

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:33:51 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		My advice to you is a compendium of what several have noted and my own thoughts:  First, stop allowing guilt to play such a factor in this.  As someone noted, if there are no overt medical problems of a physical nature and if the problem is not due to chemical interference (meds, other substances) then it is most likely psychological in nature.  But if you are not aware of the psychological nature of it or what led to the psychological blockage and what is keeping it in place, then it is not your fault consciously.  Even a trust issue can be one that has become part of your psychological makeup in such a subtle fashion that you are not aware of it.  And blaming yourself...or your partners...isn't doing you any good, as evidenced by your own words.  As someone noted, perhaps some conversation with a sex therapist would be helpful.

Even taking the above into account though does not stop you from trying Rover's suggestion.  As a submissive, give yourself over to orgasm control by a dominant that you trust enough to submit to...even if it is only one-task-specific dominance and submission.  As he noted, one of the quirks of human behavior is this innate desire to sometimes go against what we are ordered to do and do it more easily.  A simple explanation but surely one of the many behind why orgasm control is effective for many submissives in bringing on even more intense orgasms.

Nor do the above items stop you from Jasmyn's advice:  curling up with a lover/dominant who will allow you to play with yourself as you will while at the same time touching/caressing/helping the process along as you tell whatever story most "floats your boat (or the little man in it)".  If he is imaginative and accepting and genuinely wants to help...and if it doesn't interfere with what you are trying to do...perhaps he can add in situation-appropriate additions to your story.  From the way you state it, I gather these fantasies are very dark and maybe even something that many would judge as "too twisted".  I may be going out on a limb here but if someone genuinely wants to help, they will probably be able to set aside their judgment on where you go with these fantasies and just go there with you, at least for that time period.  If they're trusted enough for you to be able to try this with them, their ability to get past the darkness of your fantasy will only help them gain your trust more.  If trust IS an issue for you, this may be one more way to break past that barrier.

Finally...don't give up.  But maybe try to be more effective in your search for help.  I think the idea of a sex therapist is great.  While many people have an easier time today admitting that they might need to see a therapist, the idea that they need to see a SEX therapist still causes qualms...who wants to admit to another human being that they are having problems?  But...if they can help?  Isn't getting over the qualms about going...and achieving orgasm the way you want, with a partner...worth it?

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:33:54 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

turned out to be very long, so please bear with me as I spill my heart.
What do you do when you feel there's nothing left to do then fake it to make him/her happy?

I do not fake it.  I used to fake it, and then I realized that doesn't lead me anywhere useful.

If I'm having a good day, I laugh at it, thank them and praise them for how turned on I am and ask to get myself off and finish the job.  If I'm having a bad day, I get worked up and pissed at myself, cry a little, get snuggled and we move on to something else.

quote:

What do you do if you choose never to fake it, how do you handle the sexual encounter? "I didn't cum, but it was good." Would that answer be sufficient with the right people?

Yes.  You might go into a bit more detail "I really liked when you did X" "When I moved my hand, that meant I wanted you to go a little left"  This is how you will learn eachother and how to sexually communicate.

quote:

On a more technical note, how do you determine the end of an encounter? When your partner cums? Is it over then? Is it over when you mutually agree in a systematic manner, "Okay, we're done now."

It's over when you FEEL it's over.  Sex isn't (or shouldn't be) about the orgasm, or any actual physical penetration- it's about an experience together.  Sometimes when I've gotten myself worked up and crying, I'm able to calm down and we start over and have a great time.  Sometimes we just move on and go watch TV.

What's important is that you end on things TOGETHER, showing solidarity as a relationship.  As long as no one feels left out or left behind or lost- you're doing good.

quote:

Do you ever feel guilty that it's feeling "really really good" and you don't want them to stop but you can tell they're working extremely hard and feel that they should rest because it's a useless journey? (pessimistic, I know... coulda worded that one better...)

Constantly.  Happened this weekend actually. 

quote:

Is sex therapy worth it? Has anyone here been in sex therapy with a good doctor and made the leap from alone to together?

It can be very useful for a lot of people.

quote:

Any particular tips and pointers? Will someone please tell me that I'm not as doomed as I think I am?

It's the best and the worst advice ever- just relax and open up.  Once you are with a partner who really DOES care more about bieng with you and making you happy MORE than their conquering an orgasm problem...things will be much better.  Unfortunately, finding a male who is actually interested in this and secure enough to handle it IS a difficult task- they are in the minority.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. 

And I'm always here to listen if you want, I know exactly what you're going through.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_635228/mpage_1/key_orgasm/tm.htm#635397
orgasm control



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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:36:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover
Your partner tells you not to have an orgasm, and your focus can become not having one, rather than having one.  And human nature is such that if we're told not to do something, it seems as though that is precisely what we're drawn to do.  Combine that with what I call "brinking" (getting to the brink of orgasm, but not over) alone and with your partner (does not require penetration, just something to use for play throughout the day), reinforcement of the control aspect (ie: you need his permission to actually orgasm), and you may find yourself looking at this from an entirely different perspective.

I know for myself and many other women who have trouble orgasming, the denial/keeping on the brink method is horrible for us.   For a LOT of women, orgasm is about EMOTIONAL security.  We need to feel its ok and that we're REALLY safe and secure enough with this person to be able to open ourselves up in such an intense way.

Not giving us permission just shuts us down before we start, and since our problem is usually that we often feel right UP to the brink but can't quite get OVER- using that method will just repeat the same frustrations.

Usually what works best in these situations is patience and emotional intimacy, with a focus on experiencing fun together- and pretty much just letting the orgasm happen when it will and not making a big deal over it when it does.

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 7:40:52 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Ashkitty, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Lots of good advice written so far.
 
What I would do, as I've done for myself is--To find someone who accepts you orgasm or not.
 
Men who "must" have a woman orgasm is controlling.  Yes, it is nice but, from first lover to the last, they all have placed an imprint onto the emotions, mental as well as physical realms. 
 
Frankly, dominants who put on so much pressure about sex and function, the person within is left in a wreck and looses their identity and their honesty, when they start having to fake it so the guy will finally shut up about the whole deal.  Or, those who batter themselves if they cannot 'perform' as to trigger your orgasm.
Get real with yourself and see that you're a lovely woman and you aren't defined by an orgasm or not--but, the honesty of your spirit.
 
Same goes for men.  I don't like seeing men put in the same position of performance. 
 
People are more than sex! 
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 8:23:56 AM   
slavegirl1969


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know the answer to your questions I only know from experience what you are going through.  I could cum quite easily on my own but never with a partner.  I started out being honest with my partner at the time, I would never tell him I couldn't cum, I just wouldn't until he would ask, I'd do the "it's not you, its me" routine and they would then make it their goal to be the first...Eventually I stopped saying anything.  I thoroughly enjoyed sex, whatever that word covered, and let them believe what they wanted.  I found a good trick was to be a giver rather than a taker, that way they were so turned on by the time they would cum they didn't notice if I did or not - it worked for me. 
 
I did go to a sex therapist once at the insistence of a partner but she just said change the boy for a man and told me I needed a dominant partner....she was more right than she knew.
 
My Master, however, has been the one to change all that, finally at the age of 37!.  I don't know if it is because we have such an honest, deeply intesive love for each other that I can cum with him but I can.  And if I can't for whatever reason he doesn't make a big deal over it, he just hugs me, loves me and we move on.
 
I'm sorry I can't be of any specific help but you aren't alone.  Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and enjoy what you do.

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RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 8:32:01 AM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		I'm 24 and I have a similar problem, so I kinda know where you're coming from. 

quote:

What do you do when you feel there's nothing left to do then fake it to make him/her happy?


I definitely don't fake it.  And I definitely don't present a lie (fake) to my husband just to stroke his ego a little bit.  I'm honest and forthright, and say to him, "It feels really good, but this just isn't working for me.  Let's try something else."

quote:

What do you do if you choose never to fake it, how do you handle the sexual encounter? "I didn't cum, but it was good." Would that answer be sufficient with the right people?


Yep.  That's exactly what I say.  For me, sex is more about emotional intimacy than about physical gratification.  Don't get me wrong, the physical gratification is great, but even if I/we don't cum, we still have a fun romp between the sheets.  Personally, when I'm really hot and into it, I don't really mind how I get off, technique-wise, as long as I get off in that moment.

quote:

On a more technical note, how do you determine the end of an encounter? When your partner cums? Is it over then? Is it over when you mutually agree in a systematic manner, "Okay, we're done now."


For us, it's over when we mutually agree, usually unspoken, that it's over.  (That's what being married for 5 years'll get ya...lol.)  Being with my husband for this long of a time, we've come to an understanding about what constitutes a conclusion to sex.

quote:

Do you ever feel guilty that it's feeling "really really good" and you don't want them to stop but you can tell they're working extremely hard and feel that they should rest because it's a useless journey? (pessimistic, I know... coulda worded that one better...)


ALL THE TIME.  I usually let him go along with whatever he happens to be doing until I'm pretty damn sure nothing is going to cum of it, for me.  After I get over the guilt, I'm usually quite pleased with myself that I'm giving enough to let him have his way, whether I get mine or not. 

quote:

Is sex therapy worth it? Has anyone here been in sex therapy with a good doctor and made the leap from alone to together?


I have no idea, on that point.  Though, if I were to venture a guess, it sounds to me like, at this stage in the game, it couldn't hurt.

No, you're not a freak.  No, you're not a bad person.  No, you're not an inadequate woman.  Just relax and let yourself go.  Stop dwelling on the negatives of the situation and start rejoicing in the positives of togetherness and emotional intimacy with your partner.

Best of Luck,

MrsShadows



< Message edited by TheShadows -- 11/8/2006 8:37:49 AM >

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to Ashkitty)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 8:53:09 AM   
Ashkitty


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/2/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for all the quick and helpful comments! I will try to reply to everyone.

Silvermoon-
I took a look at that book you suggested and read every page Amazon's "surprise me!" feature would give me. I really like the look of it. Even though I cannot try some of the advanced techniques right now because of the complex nature of my relationship, they made a lot of sense, and I think I'll have to order it and see what the future holds.

Dnomyar-
I am not on any medications at the moment, though I have heard about the depression pills causing poor performance.

Rover-
Your refreshing point of view on this subject has intrigued me. I never really thought of it that way.. the entire concept of orgasm refrain/control has always appeared to be exactly what was out of my reach, as much as I longed for it, my mind quickly settled that it could never be because of my current issues. I will suggest this to my Doms in a sly way, perhaps, or direct Them to this thread... I fear that if I asked for it outright I would feel like I'm doing too much "topping from the bottom" and that would stick in my head throughout the control period, therefore mussing the whole thing up. Stupid mind. :P

Jasmyn-
I will admit freely that I have a sort of lovehate response to your reply. It is a very good idea. I am not optimistic about it only because I have tried variations of the same. I have attempted masturbating while a partner curled up on me, both while they were lovingly stroking me, attempting to help, and also while calmly under suggestion to just lay and go to sleep. Neither have proved successful. The closest I can manage is getting off while I am very closely located to another person, perhaps even touching a little, but I have to factually be convinced that they are asleep.

The problem with telling my fantasies are twofold. I find it very hard to confide my most arousing fantasies in a way that's anything but joking or self mocking. They are, again, very unusual and I have yet to come to terms that my lovers may bear listening to them in a serious, "this really turns me on" sort of way. This makes it much harder to believe that they will be interested in hearing, and even possibly - dare i say it - aroused by listening. Many of my partners have seemed to accept my fantasies, but never particularly revel in them.

That said, I'm also a terrible, terrible storyteller.

However! I did have a partner who learned about my fetishes in a playful sort of way, not to mention discovering information on my computer and observing my reactions to certian stimuli. He had the ability to be a good talker about it as well, and picked up on things I enjoyed particularly to repeat them in the heat of passion. It got me far more aroused than normal, throwing my mind into the game, and I believe I probably should have encouraged him to do it even more for longer periods before things ended. Perhaps I should learn from this.

I do often attempt for a fantasy while I'm having sex -- I in no way consider it cheating -- yet I find it very difficult to concentrate while I'm being so thouroughly stimulated.

happypervert-
That would be nice... (?)

Aine-
I've opened all your suggested links for viewing after I finish replying to these posts. I too have had an interest on the affects of male ED drugs on females.. to the point of almost trying a tablet of a brand I won't mention just to discover, that is, before my friends convinced me out of it on terms of safeness. I've never really been able to find out too much information on the subject myself.

I have considered and would very much like to talk to a competant OB-GYN about the subject to ask for suggestions. Sadly at the moment I am not health insured, and I need to go through the process of finding a GOOD doctor -- My last was predominately a general doctor, and when she had to do my pap-smear she acted like it was the single most uncomfortable act she had been put up to in her entire life. I personally hated it with a passion... which says a lot, since I'm usually a giddy girl about paps in general, bouncing in gleefully, asking all sorts of questions and whining when it's over. I even begged to keep my plastic disposable speculum once, (when I attended my GOOD obgyn) and she laughed and consented. But that's another story...

darksdesire-
I think you, Jasmyn and maybe eventually myself are on to something with that storytelling idea. Perhaps I will have to find or instill (or beg) for a storytime, even with suggesting garnish that I know I'm apt to enjoy.

You're really right about the inadequacy, heh. And again, no meds for me. :) (Though I probably should be...)

Thetammyjo-

I sympathize with your boy Fox when it comes to the skin-to-skin contact issue. That always unnerves me as well, and for no good reason. I personally think my body has been conditioned to a LACK of touch..hehe. Relaxing is really hard to work at.. because if you work at it, you're failing, right? Although I've heard many methods involving relaxation I just can't get over my self-consciousness. I KNOW I look like a creepy dead log instead of a happy panting sexkitten when I'm masturbating or concentrating on fantasy, and that's another large problem, which factors mildly into the social training.. specifically to always appear pleasing.

Sometimes I wish I were male, too.. it would make everything so obvious. I can have a huge mental hardon and be dry as the sahara sometimes too.. but thankfully that is less and less often.

As for your last comment about partner pressure, I fear I have not been too specific about "who is what where now." Heh. My current Owners do not pressure me so much to come... true, it is there a little bit, but I think that is mostly my own perception. I think the reason I brought most of this up now is that I will be visiting them in less than a week (I catch a plane this Sunday! ee!) and as such, the whole orgasm issue has been brought up again because I know I will be called upon to preform for the first time in months, and that they have all sorts of wonderful goodie times planned for me. As excited as I have become, I still can't shuck the darkness of my perceptive flaws, and it has begun to worry me yet again.

(And then I refresh the page, and there are many more replies! WHEW!)

darksdesire-
You know, I do kind of see it.

Mariposa-

To answer your question: Both. Absolutely both. The focus used to be more on the fact that I felt that I was expected to come, as all girls should do easily. However, this has sense shifted over through time to the fact that I really want to cum for myself with someone. I hope this doesn't seem like a cop-out answer. It isn't.

"Partner-sex orgasm". I like that phrase.

I think, and by god do I think too much, is the fact I have an inability to put known faces to fantasy figures while on the way to orgasm is a bit of a hinderance in this setup. I will try to give it more of a go, though.

May I tell you, I am veeery familiar with my g-spot and all her functions... though I am not a "gyser" I can with right stimulation become quite soaked, and my Dom knows how to work his fingers well. I appreciate that greatly. I surprised both of Them and myself one time with what that could do...

I'm trying to get the cum-focus out of my mind, truly. Hoping I can get it all down here and then push it away for the visit, really.

CreativeDominant-

I agree with you that psychological issues are the underlying cause. The cause of it occuring and staying are, as you state, beyond me, but I often hypothize the nature of a childhood where masturbation was presumed bad and never discussed healthily to be part of it.

I also agree about taking Rover's and Jasmyn's advice. They both make valid points. Your added suggestions on breaking dark fantasy barriers scare me a little.. but further thoughts on the matter convince me to at least leave it wide open for the future.

I would love to see a sex therapist. I, which may be obvious by now, have no qualms about discussing my sexual issues if it can lead to assistance. My only barrier sections at the moment are lack of funding, an impending move, and the feeling that it may be difficult to find a <i>good</i> sex therapist who is open to my preferences, such as BDSM and polyamoury. This is definitely planned in my near future once I am reassured and probably whilst I'm attending school.

LuckyAlbatross-
I'm glad you replied. :) (My near constant lurking in the poly forum must be showing through...)

Thank you for your personal experiences. I am not very good at communicating what I really liked and what I would have done better, but I am always working on that and have for a while at least brought up something positively.

I have been at the crying, and also the playfully happy, "Go get something to eat so I can finish myself off" mode.

I'm honestly surprised that we've experienced much of the same moods... it makes me feel that maybe I'm not so different after all, which is a wonderful feeling.

As for your reply to Rover, although I originally and still with a majority hold to your views on orgasm control being harmful (read about the same in a forum search of posts recently as well), I do not think it would be too painful to try in a very limited way.

LadyHugs-
I like your opinions on the matter. Thankfully my current Owners have been fairly relaxed about the whole thing, and I have been in more pushshove relationships in the past. People are indeed more than sex.. it was nice to, in my little sexually charged personal universe, be reminded of that.

(*refreshes page again... coughs, flexes fingers*)

slavegirl1969-
I'm very glad that you finally found a Master who can correctly push your buttons, so to speak, and that he is so accepting and understanding the whole of you. It gives me hope that one day I will come to terms as well.

TheShadows-
Thank you for answering my questions. Again, I'm surprised that yet another person has experienced the same "REALLY GOOD.. but not quite" reaction. It's even better than you can get over the guilt and be pleased with it... that I have to learn!

----

And now I've written about a book and a half, and my fingers are falling off. I need some coffee. :)



(in reply to Ashkitty)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I'm sorry Master, but I can't cum. - 11/8/2006 8:57:44 AM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		I am sorry to hear that you have this problem...there are alot of good books out there; you can do a search online for them...Medications do play a major role in sexual performance for both men and women along with surgery/ childbirth...I wish you the best of luck sis.

(in reply to Ashkitty)
Profile   Post #: 20
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