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confused sub - 11/21/2006 11:04:07 AM

subtears

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline

Hello A/a I'm a first time poster here so here it goes.
I fell guilty coming on here for answers but .. my Master I try to please he just never seems happy about what i do.
i have asked him over and over what he would like for me to do for him.. i get ill talk to
you later about it, he never does.So i try different things for him i get no reaction.When it comes to sex i get replies like its too late<so i goto bed early he stays on the puter>
All he seems to want to do is play on the computer and get high.this has been going on for
2 years im always hoping ill get his approval or some attetion. im at wits end. i do love him
and i dont want to leave him i just would maybe an outsiders point of view maybe there is something
i am missing........Thanks for reading.

Post #: 1

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 11:07:43 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

There is nothing redeeming sounding to this relationship. You come second to the computer and drugs... so it sounds like it should be over. I would love to be more helpful, but I couldnt in good conscience even tell you that he might just be in a slump. Love or not, this relationship doesnt sound like it is worth saving.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 2

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 11:13:17 AM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Been there done that and I do not even have a freaking T-shirt to show for my misery..... my advice.... doesn't sound like there is anything to really salvage, two years is more than enough time to at least talk about your feelings..... find a support group for people who love people enslaved to their gaming addiction, there is even separate support groups for the individual games. Sorry to sound so harsh but I wasted 5 years trying to make someone into the Dom of my dreams, it didn't work, he just didn't have that in him, even though he faked it for the first year we were together.......

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtears

Hello A/a I'm a first time poster here so here it goes.
I fell guilty coming on here for answers but .. my Master I try to please he just never seems happy about what i do.
i have asked him over and over what he would like for me to do for him.. i get ill talk to
you later about it, he never does.So i try different things for him i get no reaction.When it comes to sex i get replies like its too late<so i goto bed early he stays on the puter>
All he seems to want to do is play on the computer and get high.this has been going on for
2 years im always hoping ill get his approval or some attetion. im at wits end. i do love him
and i dont want to leave him i just would maybe an outsiders point of view maybe there is something
i am missing........Thanks for reading.

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 3

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 11:28:14 AM

slaveMastery

Posts: 77
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

Master or not, Dom or not - this sounds like a basic and fundamental relationship problem that would be no different in a vanilla scenario. Again, I say "this sounds like" since we only hear and see a snapshot of a two-year relationship. But it does sound like his priorities are elsewhere and not in the relationship.

The one thing that sometimes MAY help in a situation like this is the potential threat of imminent loss of the status quo - maybe the risk of losing you may bust him out of his funk. But if it does bust him out of there - be mindful that he does not slip right back into it once the status quo is no longer in danger.

Randy

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 4

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 12:17:57 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

My mother's advice: Ask yourself
1) Would you miss them if they were gone?
2) Is being in the relationship healthy for you?

If the answer to either one is no, chances are the relationship should end.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 5

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 12:28:33 PM

PONYSEEKER

Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Life it tooooo short to live that miserably when there are soooooo many of us that would love and apreciate your service

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 12:49:51 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

i do love him

Too bad it doesn't sound like he is returning it.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 7

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 3:04:30 PM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

quote:

i do love him

Too bad it doesn't sound like he is returning it.

Im wondering what exactly it is she "does love" about him? Situations like this are too much like co-dependency..which is soo NOT love. Maybe she needs to learn to love herself more?

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 8

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 3:28:38 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Ask yourself ~what~ your getting out of this relationship.
I think you've got love confused with something else, I'd venture to guess your the one who hold life together with or without being asked to. All your doing is facilitating a selfish child. I'd suggest moving on.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 9

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 3:39:42 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

OK, Serious post, mark it on your calenders:

While you are considering what you are getting out of this relationship, contemplate also what you are putting into it. Seems rather one-sided, like something in the whole scheme of things might be missing.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 10

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 4:05:49 PM

TopZippy

Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline

Hello, I am going to butt in with another angle. I ruined, with the help of my sub, our D/s relationship because we had difficulty communicating. She tried to find ways to please me, but never told me what was bothering her. I became confortable with our situation, and thought all was well, when inside my little one was dying.
She kept pushing herself to show me that she was a good slave, but I failed to see what she was really doing was screaming silently, "Love me, I am right here!"

And all it would have taken to save the relationship was for her and I to honestly communicate.

If you and your Master are having trouble, work the the communcation aspect. Break that barrier, and much of the other problems with be able to be handled.

Hope things work out for you!

TopZippy

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 11

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 4:09:57 PM

alittleshyone

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/14/2006
Status: offline

if you were to wake up tomorrow and he was not there, would you miss "Him" or the " idea" of Him? Sometimes, we get to a point in a relationship, where although we love that person, we can still be without them at all in our lives. i found that out the hard way, and am much better off now. Although i am ready for a new relationship. i hope that makes sense.

If it doesnt feel right anymore, then it is all wrong.

best of everything,

shy

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 12

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 4:12:09 PM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Zipppy has a point, so often we fail to really speak our mind especially if we feel we are on shaky ground.
Try Zippy's way first, then if you dont see a responce the answer at least well also be your answer.

Thanks Zippy.......

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to TopZippy)

Post #: 13

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 4:18:41 PM

TopZippy

Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline

No problem, Quivver. I hope my experience will help other avoid the same mistakes.
Any new relationship I enter into will be based on clear communication, above all other interests and desires.
TopZippy

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 14

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 4:47:33 PM

bettie1959

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

Was he a good, supportive partner in the beginning? Is it a good relationship gone to pot? If it was nirvana in the beginning, does he know how you feel now and refuses to work at it? Is it a case of depression vs. not giving a damn? Perhaps he is just one of those people that are emotionally unavailable and doesn't want to work on a relationship. It's really hard to offer sound advice with the amount of background information put forth.

All I can say, is open the line of communication be it face to face, e-mail or written letter. Hopefully, you will get the reaction you want.

Personally, I would rather be alone with the potential to find a good relationship, than lonely while commited to someone not attentive or involved.
Good luck to you.

(in reply to TopZippy)

Post #: 15

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 8:57:17 PM

mystictryst

Posts: 125
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline

I agree with TopZippy... My Master and I have come a long, long way in our 8 years... I could never please him (or so it seemed) and no amount of asking, begging pleading, or the like could get anything from him. For a very long time, it was a very difficult place to be...

However, before things became completely torn apart, we both realized that we had a serious communication problem... Which we have worked our way through and still work on/at constantly.

With your Masters' apparent addiction to the computer and substances, it would appear from this side of the fence he has some things going on that he isn't sharing... As I am sure you have learned, you cannot force him to change, you cannot make him change, and unless he is ready to face the problems, there is likely very little that can be done to correct things going wrong.

You could try counselling for yourself - maybe if he sees you making a concerted effort, he may reciprocate... At the very least, the counselling should provide you with confidence and guidance in moving on, if that is the path you choose to take.

Best of luck - when things go wrong, regardless of how wrong you know they are, it doesn't make it any easier to walk away.

(in reply to TopZippy)

Post #: 16

RE: confused sub - 11/21/2006 9:14:35 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

maybe there is something i am missing

Yes, there is something you're missing, its "relationship" Relationship is based on "relating", you have nothing to relate to, he is relating to his computer and drugs not you. I'm sorry for your situation. .

I liked TopZippys post too, good advice.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to mystictryst)

Post #: 17

RE: confused sub - 11/22/2006 1:59:34 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtears

Hello A/a I'm a first time poster here so here it goes.
I fell guilty coming on here for answers but .. my Master I try to please he just never seems happy about what i do.
i have asked him over and over what he would like for me to do for him.. i get ill talk to
you later about it, he never does.So i try different things for him i get no reaction.When it comes to sex i get replies like its too late<so i goto bed early he stays on the puter>
All he seems to want to do is play on the computer and get high.this has been going on for
2 years im always hoping ill get his approval or some attetion. im at wits end. i do love him
and i dont want to leave him i just would maybe an outsiders point of view maybe there is something
i am missing........Thanks for reading.

Welcome to posting on a public board....

A D/s (or M/s) relationship functions by *two* opposing but complimenting powers (D & s) combining to create a unique and intoxicating dynamic that is greater than the sum total of the two individuals. IE, a Dom without a sub is just a man; a fem/sub without a Dom is just a woman - but put the two together....

My eight word definition of that dynamic is "a submissive submitting to a Dominant who is dominating". From my experience of Forums here and at other sites, when that dynamic breaks down, it's predominantly because the last 3 (and often 4) words of my definition are absent. In practical terms, that equates to one half of the necessary powers required to create a D/s dynamic is not there and no-one (Dom or sub) can create half a dynamic on their own.

And so it seems with your predicament.... All the submissive intent and actions on your part amount to nothing more than unrewarded servitude if he's not supplying the domination half of the dynamic. By "play on the computer", do you mean animated games or trolling? And he's a druggie? I know long-term "recreational" users of nothing more than supposedly "mild" grass and they're all burnouts who are ageing before their time and all believe they're really not addicted. Some forty years ago, the phrase was coined "never trust a junkie" and nothing has proved so true - even those who boast how they're not into the "hard stuff"!

You've tried your best, including attempts to communicate, but you're clearly not much more to him than the furniture he's used to having around. Get out now; he's a slow-motion train wreck who'll eventually happen somewhere - don't be there for it! A dom and "master" who'd rather do drugs and play games - *sheesh*!

Focus.

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 18

RE: confused sub - 11/22/2006 2:59:40 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Coming second to the computer is not ok, at least not for me. I broke up with a boyfriend in my vanilla days because I sat on his lap and tried kissing on him. His comment? "I can't see through you." He was playing Snood.

My dominant and I are both pretty geeky and really love our games. But we know that there is a certain point where the other partner just needs some love. It's a part of a healthy relationship, d/s or otherwise.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to subtears)

Post #: 19

RE: confused sub - 11/22/2006 3:20:03 AM

ChaOz

Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

The problem here is lifestyle, the lifestyle he leads isnt supportive or a relationship, let along a D/s one. Its not like you should be put in a cage until he is feeling horny… doesnt sounds like that would turn you on anyway. You need emotional support first and foremost, especially if you have given him the gift of your submission. Stop moaning and stop acting like a sissy slut, give him an ultimatum. You know its coming. It's ok, you have my permission. Tell him there are issues you need to address or else your going to leave, start with getting him off the drugs and limiting computer use, but basically there's probably deeper issues here that need to be addressed. Counselling maybe? I dont know but what I do know is you need to be prepared to walk out on this relationship, two years is way to long and you’ve done all you can, it wouldn’t be your fault. Stop enabling him to be a pc slob. At least thats what Dr. Phil would say. You know what, you might have an adult baby on your hands, did his mother over nurture him? Are you a substitute for his mummy?

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 20

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