RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 6:37:56 AM

ladychatterley

Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
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We are doing this right now, and it seems to me to be much more male/female and vanilla issues, but we aren't exactly 24-7. When it started out, he was spending 4-5 nights a week at my place, but still had his own, and we each paid our own bills. I was clearer with a lot of my own ways that things needed to be, and he was good about that. For example, I'm pretty environmentalist and constantly asking him to unplug chargers he isn't using, turn off lights when he isn't home, etc. And that doesn't, imo, affect the power. I don't think I could be with someone that wouldn't go along with that, but I also don't have it as a rule, as much as a favor. We also have a clear understanding that he won't smoke in the apartment, but I never said it. He doesn't care as much about the space, so he doesn't really have any rules or requests.

Now, he is moving in, but I care more about 'stuff' than he does. So I'm trying to make sure that he has some of his stuff at our place, but the flip-side is when you have an antique oak table and an IKEA table, it is pretty clear which one gets kept, which means it is mostly my stuff. We're doing most of the wall-stuff of his, but I feel like it is still too defined by me and my stuff. He says he doesn't care, but I'm worried he'll wake up one day in a few months and feel like it isn't our space, but too much mine, so I'm trying to get more of his stuff here. Inertia tilts us towards my stuff because it is already here. But I think this is totally vanilla. In all flavors of couples, I've seen people start out in a honeymoon period and feeling fine about the little things, and six months later feeling like that is a metaphor for a relationship that is too much defined by the other person. I don't want him to feel that way.

(in reply to babysburnin)

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 7:04:22 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
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Just to clarify the situation, I'm physically and permanently disabled but pay my sub the same amount of money that would be comparable to rent for a one bedroom apartment in the area that we live including my share of groceries. Due to being hospitalized for two and a half months and a year of bed rest prior to meeting (I disclosed my medical status and sent her my records.), I lost "everything" due to my extended illness. I am responsible for my own medical needs, financially and otherwise. Although, I have no vehicle now, I use public transportation for all my needs without the having my sub miss work to cart me around or use her car to get to and fro.

We made the agreement in advance that I would be in charge of the household because she works full time as well as teaching golf (70 students this season); cooking, cleaning, laundry; in fact, we negotiated everything we could think of before the move. I take pride in caring for my submissive in that she gets the appropriate amount of rest and down time with such a busy schedule. She has mentioned how thankful she is to at least have her laundry done and meals ready when she gets home from work, but seemed to be struggling with me doing the housework.

For me, it's just part of taking care of her physically and making sure that she doesn't get sick or overwhelmed with duties that I can easily do because I am home all day. Besides that, I'm one to manifest my love in things that I do and have a certain amount of pride in that I am also handling my Domme responsibilties in looking out for her welfare.

The last desire I have is to take away her identity. Her family loves and cares for her; she is very well liked in the work place; is very independent as far as taking care of herself, all-in-all a well-balanced person. She is the person I met and meant to be my submissive, so why would I do that? However, I do expect her submission and appreciation, sometimes whether she likes it or not. That's what submission is all about. Anyone can willingly and appreciative do what they like but I'm a firm believer that when submitting to things one doesn't like is when the "rubber meets the road" as far as the power exchange is concerned.
My desire is to improve her life and empower her to be the best she can be as a sub and an individual and have fittingly helped her in many areas of her life. I'm sure she'd attest to this if one were to ask her.

Thank you all for your input. It was very helpful as I'm very mindful of my dominance and strong personality but would rather err on the side of caution when it comes to the welfare of my sub. I try to be understanding but I refuse to be manipulated and wanted to be fair in my decision-making as to whether a change needed to be made. Needless to say, now that the atmosphere in our household is more conducive, I have voiced my intention for my actions after ordering my submissive to be silent and letting her know that if I am interrupted as previously, I will call discussion on this matter permanently close and no longer open for mutual agreement.

When she returns to work on Monday, I will continue as I started; to clean and organise the household. Come on, who wouldn't want a Domme that whips her ass, makes her meals, does her laundry? Let's be for real here. But, being submissive to my submissive is where this Domme draws the line.

LBO

(in reply to onlythewindknows)

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 7:33:41 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: onlythewindknows

i don't want to even have legal claim to his property - even though i would never take it - if we parted .
legally it makes us more like equals. i would want to be more like an expendable employee than a wife who gets to take 50% of his property.
i want less power in the relationship - which includes the legal/social "perk" of being recognized as someone's "girlfriend."

As long as you know what you want and are happy with it all the power to you *S* I guess I can even understand it to a point.

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 8:03:24 AM

yourgrrl

Posts: 22
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i wanted to post a reply from my point of view , the submissive who had her Domme move in to her existing home. i am very happy that She has come to live with me in a 24/7 live in relationship and am learning the D/s lifestyle to be one i have longed for . When we met i was very new to the lifestyle and She has taught, trained and molded me to be Her submissive. i am very willing and enthusiastic to learn each and every day.

i want to preface my comments by saying that She is a wonderful , loving ,strict , fair and beautiful person/Domme/ to me, i feel honored to serve Her.

When She moved in , of course i was very established living alone for 3 years and before that i was in a long-term vanilla relationship. It certainly has been over the last 3 months been an adjustment for Her and for me as well .She has been more than supportive of what outside personal issues i have been dealing with, summer job winding down and the illness and care of my mother( i am only sibling in town) .my mom is in a care facility that is local and has excellent care, but mom requires attention and i visit her quite often.Ma'am has been supportive totally of my emotional needs and meets them and i cherish Her patience and understanding.

She has been communicating since day 1 or thereafter about anything She wants to improve on in our physical living space to make a home for Us and i so much appreciate that. i have expressed to Her many times how i appreciate coming home to have the house cleaned and being able to have dinner and with my life as busy as it is, She chooses the time when She knows is best to have alone time. when coing home i am required to spend at least 20 minutes "quiet time" to unwind and prepare my head for the D/s side of our relationship and it has helped me tremendously to balance things in my head.

Most recently since my Mom has been in need of more care i have become much more sentimental of memories and things that are important to me. i have come across more and more sentimental things that i feel are important to me and sometimes these things i feel are not recognized and sometimes that disturbs me. i feel very lucky when i know She has much better organizational skills and decorating ideas than me but there is still sort of a cloud over my head because before She moved in i prepared and made room for Her things ,packing some of my things aside and now it seems i do not feel i have the time to organize my things and i feel sometimes my space is disappearing. it's not as much an "identity" thing as it is i feel sometimes i need an area of my own someplace. this weekend i am going to work on the spare bedroom to organize that little space where i can go and meditate and practice yoga and perhaps go and watch a movie ( we have very different tastes in entertainment at times). last week i had asked if we could decide on a light comedy or something happy to watch just to help me out of a mood and there wasn't any discussion when She didn't like the choices, so i sucked it up and sat and said nothing more. sometimes i feel as if i cannot leave the room to do what i enjoy for fear i will be lessening my submission in someway. i do want to spend as much time with Her as possible but i guess this maybe the real "idendity" issue i maybe struggling with.
thank Y/you all for helping both of us with this situation

yourgrrl

(in reply to Kalira)

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 8:50:06 AM

yourgrrl

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Do you feel like you cannot leave the room and be submissive at the same time? Do you feel guilty about havng time for yourself because I'm at home by myself all day? Do you think that because we have different tastes in TV shows, one or the other is forced to watch in the same room, eventhough we have a TV in two rooms? I'm a bit confused here as there are times when you go out with co-workers, yoga and golfing without me and I encourage you to have interests beyond me and our relationship. Why would you feel less submissive at home if you go into another room, but have what seems to be no trouble going out without me. Do you not feel less submissive then?

Not trying to put you on the spot but Im searching for some understanding here and would be willing to continue our discussion in private if you would be more comfy but maybe input from others might help or someone else may be dealing with similar issues.

(in reply to yourgrrl)

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 8:56:03 AM

LeatherBentOne

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Joined: 9/27/2005
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OOOOOOOOOPS..................Sorry but I forgot to login under my own name. The above is written by me.

LBO

And who says all Dommes are perfect???????

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 9:19:46 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear LeatherBentOne, Ladies and Gentlemen;

It made sense for me to move into my first slave's residence, as it was provided to him by the military and, though I would be seen as a resident/dependant; I ran that house as if it was mine/ours and behind closed doors--it was my castle--my home.

If there came a time where I was to move into a slave's house again, now that I'm not in military circles and the like; in addition to the mentality/spirit of slaves are so different; if a slave had hesitation in me moving in--I would say that it would be wiser to have both of us move into a new place, where territory was not the issue. If the slave doesn't go that route; I seriously would consider ending the relationship. But,--that is me.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/24/2006 11:23:24 PM

MiladyElaine

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I agree wholeheartedly, LadyHugs!

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/25/2006 5:15:32 AM

sintralgasub

Posts: 31
Joined: 8/24/2006
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Recently, due to changes in both of our lives, our living situations have changed. We maintain two households. I consider the apartment I live in as our apartment. All of the belongings are mine, but He does have clothes and personal items here. I keep carving out spaces for Him. I want Him to feel it is as much His place as it is mine. Moving time was stressful for us, at stressful times in both of our lives. Our situation is temporary and we plan on finding a home together in the near future at which point we will integrate His furniture and make it our space. When shopping for home decor items for the apartment, we kept hitting a brick wall in regards to our individual tastes. Everything we looked at, we were polar opposites, then one day we were in a restaurant and He commented on the decor, how much He liked it. I said I did too, and bingo - we realized the color scheme and style we both like. That was such a relief to both of us, knowing we can create something pleasing to both of us. I'm glad we are starting with a new space. I don't think I could have made the separation in my mind in my old house, nor do I think it would have been easy for Him. For us, starting from scratch is the best thing.

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RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house - 11/25/2006 7:40:39 AM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
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For one brief, glorious day Sir was going to move into my home. It would have been a perfect situation, but I had it up for sale, and the day after we decided to move there (I had been staying with Him) I sold it. I would not have had *any* problem with him moving in and bringing all of his stuff. We are in for the long haul and I don't see his moving or my moving as a problem.

Though I moved in with him, I am the cleaner, organizer and all around fixer-upper and that's fine with both of us. Though I work, and we are starting our own business (which makes me twice as busy) I see it as my solemn duty to care for the house and everything (one) in it. Therefore, this question is really moot to me.

If we would have moved into *my* place together - it would have quickly become *our* place. He loved it there, and we sort of mourn for the sale, but it fits into our plans better than keeping it would have.

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(in reply to LeatherBentOne)

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