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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 5:23:47 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have not seen this come up in the months I have been posting here. I was wondering if those of you reading this think that arguing/conflict resolution/fighting, whatever one wants to call it, is a part of a Ds/Ms relationship. If you are involved in a relationship, do you ever argue? Do you have conflicts? How are they handled while respecting the power exchange?

I could never be with someone who didn't know how to handle an argument.

Arguments are the spice of life. They're the energy that keeps a couple alive.

I love to argue.

Even better if it's with someone that can.

(Said, of course...in the most submissive of ways

)

_____________________________

Small deeds will always mean more than large intentions.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 61

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 6:23:36 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have not seen this come up in the months I have been posting here. I was wondering if those of you reading this think that arguing/conflict resolution/fighting, whatever one wants to call it, is a part of a Ds/Ms relationship. If you are involved in a relationship, do you ever argue? Do you have conflicts? How are they handled while respecting the power exchange?

I could never be with someone who didn't know how to handle an argument.

Arguments are the spice of life. They're the energy that keeps a couple alive.

I love to argue.

Even better if it's with someone that can.

(Said, of course...in the most submissive of ways )

Plus, there is something to be said for make-up sex.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to LTRsubNW)

Post #: 62

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 6:29:10 PM

LaMspeach

Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

I dont argue with Master. There have been times when i stated my opinion and we have had discussions but in the end it is His choice. Once His choice is made it is the end of discussion. Does that make me a doormate * shrugs* in my opinion NO. I agreed to be in a M/s relationship where obeying was a huge part of the relationship. Being able to obey on that level takes a lot of trust. Master has never lead me wrong or did something that would hurt me in anyway. So it isnt a mindless "yes sir" it is a "Yes Sir" Built on trust and comunication.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 63

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 8:56:54 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have not seen this come up in the months I have been posting here. I was wondering if those of you reading this think that arguing/conflict resolution/fighting, whatever one wants to call it, is a part of a Ds/Ms relationship. If you are involved in a relationship, do you ever argue? Do you have conflicts? How are they handled while respecting the power exchange?

I think that arguing is part of being a person with a strongly held opinion that differs from that of another person who has a strong opinion, whether in a relationship or not. It just happens from time to time. When I was younger, I used to feel I had to "battle to the death" for the sake of preserving my precious opinion. With time has come a certain level of grace and maturity to respectfully agree to disagree.

My Master and I have only had a few occasions where we did not agree at all on something that was important to both of us. While I would not agree to accept His viewpoint as my own, and vice versa, we were able to come to some sort of middle ground where we could possibly see why the other would feel strongly about their beliefs. It was a way of debating or championing our cause without belittling the other person's feelings. There are things that we will never completely agree on and when those things come up now, we just look at each other and smile. That being said, there has been once or twice where I dug my heels in and wouldn't budge, and while He probably thought I had lost my mind at the time, He knew that if something caused a reaction like that from me, there must be good reason... so He listened to me very well. I have found that remaining courteous and calm gets me farther than shrieking like a lunatic, so decorum and respect is very key with us. He is also the same with me.

edited for missed word

< Message edited by Daddysredhead -- 11/27/2006 8:58:59 PM >

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 64

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 8:57:51 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

If it's always the Dom/Domme's way or no way, then what's the point in discussing?

Because No one is prefect.. and even thou in Many relationships the Dominant will make the final choice.. They will make that choice with the most complete information they desire. For some that includes having the feelings and thoughts of their submissive. You never know when they will provide the Dominant with a piece of information that will change the decision.

In my relationships.. I draw on the perspectives of my girls often before I make many of the decisions... The more important the decision the more likely I will draw upon their perspectives. Sometimes, they have providing me with a viewpoint I never considered.. sometimes they don't.. either way... I feel more confident that I looked at the issue with adequate consideration before I made a decision.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 65

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 9:02:08 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Because No one is prefect.. and even thou in Many relationships the Dominant will make the final choice.. They will make that choice with the most complete information they desire. For some that includes having the feelings and thoughts of their submissive. You never know when they will provide the Dominant with a piece of information that will change the decision.

A feeling shared by my Master as well.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 66

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 9:39:32 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Well gee, next time explain what you mean when you ask a question, rather than criticize everyone's answers in one fell swoop when the majority thinks you meant something else

I was not criticizing you ownedgirlie, I was agreeing with KOM. I do not know about most people and how they define argue but there are entire worksops dedicated to "fighting fairly and constructively", but I did include "conflict resolution" in my post. It was not an insult to anyone, I was clarifying. Perhaps you did not mean to sound a little snippy there, but to me you did. Your response is noted, not all people live the same way, resolve their issues the same way, nor should they.

No, I did not mean to be snippy at all, any more than you meant to be doing what I suggested you were doing. I put the smiley there to let you know I was being light hearted (you didnt include that when you quoted me, silly).

Edited to add I think this is a really great thread, Julia.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 11/27/2006 9:41:40 PM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 67

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/27/2006 9:49:11 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Oh boy am I confused. If it's always the Dom/Domme's way or no way, then what's the point in discussing? Don't we then become the dreaded "doormat" submissive/slave that just smiles sweetly and says Yes Sir/Ma'am to whatever we're told to do?

I'm not judging, I'm just asking as a newbie.

I haven't finished the thread so I don't know if anyone has answered this or not, but in my case, we discuss a LOT of things. We just don't argue about them. It most definitely is my Master's way or no way, but he knows exactly which way to lead because of all the discussions we have had. He knows me through and through and I know that, so I put my full and complete trust in his decisions because I know that in the bigger picture, he has my best interests at heart. I can see where you question this, though. When I was new in my relationship with him I questioned it, too. But 2 1/2 years into this relationship, accepting all he says and does is accepting my slavery to him, and it is a most peaceful place to be. I can always express my opinions, wants and concerns. I may not get what I want, but I trust that ultimately, I am getting everything I want, because he is allowing me to be who and what I must be.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 68

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 5:46:29 AM

Caitriona

Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

We do not argue anymore since we entered into a D/s relationship. Prior to that we had one or two but not that many. Now we do have discussions and an exchange of ideas/view points. He knows that I am the one in control, but that the lines of communication are always open.

Neither of us view arguing as constructive it just saps the energy and causes hard/hurt feelings. Having a meaningful discussion to work towards a positive outcome is much better.

~Lashra

Thank you Lashra, that's a perfect explaination of our dynamic. We never say we're arguing - we're discussing. We do our best to keep tempers even and if things get heated, we walk away for a few minutes and re-collect. Both sides are allowed to present concerns, questions, ect. But ultimately it is My Lord's decision as long as my side is considered.

_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 69

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 5:53:27 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

No, Not at all.

If I was afraid or not *allowed* to voice my thoughts and opinions and meekly said * Whatever you say, Master* in every exchange.......then I'd feel downtrodden and most certainly wouldn't be happy. I am almost ALWAYS content when I know I've been listened to and understood, even if I am not agreed with.

He might say * Look, I know how you feel and understand it but I still want you to do this because I think it's important that you do*.

In individual situations I am not always happy about it but history has shown me that his way usually IS the best way....that's why I chose to follow him.

*My way or the highway* is more to do with following not *agreeing or not agreeing*.

If I'm not prepared to follow then I am not in an M/s relationship. I did choose it, after all and there'd be little point in it, otherwise.

agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Oh boy am I confused. If it's always the Dom/Domme's way or no way, then what's the point in discussing? Don't we then become the dreaded "doormat" submissive/slave that just smiles sweetly and says Yes Sir/Ma'am to whatever we're told to do?

I'm not judging, I'm just asking as a newbie.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 70

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 7:00:06 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

In my relationships.. I draw on the perspectives of my girls often before I make many of the decisions... The more important the decision the more likely I will draw upon their perspectives. Sometimes, they have providing me with a viewpoint I never considered.. sometimes they don't.. either way... I feel more confident that I looked at the issue with adequate consideration before I made a decision.

Hello A/all,

This is the sort of attitude I have about my relationships. I am the one who will make the final decision, but I feel that the value of any decision I make will depend greatly on the supporting information I have to back it up. Couple that with a tendency on my part to always look at an issue and ponder what the complementary (oppositional, although that sounds oppositional) aspects are, and I enjoy getting as much information about something as possible.

As far as actually being "in" an argument, I have noticed a rather dramatic shift in my own attitudes and behaviors over the past few years. When the discussion starts to get heated between myself and somebody else, I tend to get quiet, respond with few words, and listen a lot. I will eventually say something, but having done adrenalin response training (where I as well as the student are adrenalized) for years, I have developed simple verbal strategies to deescalate the conflict and get away from it safely. I am familiar with adrenalin's tendency to shut off higher brain functions, and I am well aware that little or nothing will be accomplished by two people under adrenal stress arguing with each other. If push comes to shove I will simply indicate that this issue will be "tabled" or put aside to be hashed out at a later time, such as that evening, whatever.

The way I see it, everybody has feelings which they can (or cannot) articulate the reasons for them. I dont really have a problem hearing somebody else's feelings or issues. I simply will not attempt to negotiate a solution under adrenal stress.

Just me, etc.

Sinergy

edited for verb tense dysfunction

< Message edited by Sinergy -- 11/28/2006 7:01:56 AM >

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 71

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 8:57:41 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

My Dom likes to think he is perfect and we frequently debate it. We discuss or debate many things, usually when i am in disagreement of something he is doing or when he is in disagreement of something i am doing. We discus/debate alot because we come from majorly different back grounds. I told him the other day that we each have strengths and weaknesses and part of a relationship is to merge them in hopes of becoming a stronger unit. So i look out for his weaknesses and he looks out for mine. Every now and then it goes past heated. Generally because he wont see that i'm right, it frustrates the hell out of me and i step over the line. Luckily, he's been teaching me for years that one neednt : shout, cuss, throw a temper tantrum, or catch an attitude. I've even been able to apply it with other people i discuss things with. woo hoo. My Dom really has no issue with me discussing anything with him - so long as i do it in a mature way. When it comes to commands i am also allowed to discuss until i am blue in the face and it usually do me one wit of good. Usually = )

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 72

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 9:28:52 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

We are not, thank God, highly combative people. If he were, I would not be with him. The one really bad argument was caused by miscommunication.

The only other time things looked like turning into a bad argument was over an area he had agreed he would not take control of, so I simply reminded him that this was my decision.

We talk about most things, but rarely does it descend to an argument. Sometimes we agree to table a decision until we can find more information. Because usually if we are arguing, it's because we don't have enough info to make a clear decision that both of us would agree on.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 73

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 9:29:04 AM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

There is no arguing with Master. There are occasions when my mouth goes on a bit more than it should, but it is nothing Master's cane or belt can not correct.

Sitting Quite Comfortably Today~*
Master's dorei

(in reply to blushingflower)

Post #: 74

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 9:40:42 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have not seen this come up in the months I have been posting here. I was wondering if those of you reading this think that arguing/conflict resolution/fighting, whatever one wants to call it, is a part of a Ds/Ms relationship. If you are involved in a relationship, do you ever argue? Do you have conflicts? How are they handled while respecting the power exchange?

Fox and I never argue about our relationship -- never. In our opinion that would undermine the established Ds dynamic. This is usually because I'm happy to consider his opinions and his needs while he trusts me to make the correct decisions.

I think this is very easy for us because our relationship was founded on the Ds first; we didn't do and haven't done any of the vanilla courting stuff so that has never been a area we get confused about.

We have disagreements about other things -- whether he should go to his parents house for a holiday and how long, very few political matters, food to make for dinner. When these aren't his family things or things that don't directly affect me, he's an adult, he needs to be the one making certain decisions.

If its a matter or sprituality or personal likes and dislikes, we mostly just know we are different people.

The biggest thing has been the voting issue in my house. It is a requirement that anyonw I own who is legally capable of it go and vote in elections. He sometimes gets negative about what good voting does and I have have raised my voice and opened the front door to kick his ass out of the house -- I'm not proud I reacted that way but the issue is that important to me. He immediately apologizes and explains his bitching is not the same as his not voting.

If it's an issue that directly affects me (sex, a person in my house, etc), my decision is the decision for us.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 11/28/2006 9:56:51 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 75

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 9:51:44 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel

Oh boy am I confused. If it's always the Dom/Domme's way or no way, then what's the point in discussing? Don't we then become the dreaded "doormat" submissive/slave that just smiles sweetly and says Yes Sir/Ma'am to whatever we're told to do?

I'm not judging, I'm just asking as a newbie.

The point in discussing anything is to make better decisions and to undersand each other.

I can't make the best decisions if I don't have the information I need to make it. If I hear Fox's opinions then I also get to know him bettter and he I.

An argument, well, to be blunt, to me an argument is an attempt to get another person(s) to agree with your points/decision/view without be opening to changing your own opinions. It's more one-way than a discussion in my opinion.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 76

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 9:53:26 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

Well I'm not an argumentative person. I hate arguing and don't like being around people who like arguing just for the sake of arguing.

But if I have an issue with something, I will respectfully give Him my opinion. He and I are early in our courting/negotiating/training phase and without going into specifics, I simply wanted him to acknowledge my feelings on a matter and understand where I was coming from. It was imperative that we get past that hurdle and although it took a day or two, we seem to have come to a mutual understanding about it... although I'm certain it will be discussed further in person.

(in reply to MasterNdorei)

Post #: 77

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 9:58:25 AM

Donnalee

Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I simply will not attempt to negotiate a solution under adrenal stress.

A very wise statement, Sinergy. I don't know of anyone who does their best thinking when flooded with adrenalin. Handling conflict and arguing are two different things

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 78

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 10:14:17 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i looooooove argueing. Evn blow out heated debates. Especially with my mother. She's got this habit of switching points as she's losing the arguement and firing off another point. I usually combat it with firing off multiple points and then argueing them all at once. The only frustarting thing is when she see's i'm right she goes dead silent. She point blank stops argueing and usually tells me to stop brow beating her. heh! Though we also tend to shout/hollar/cuss as we're doing so. (my mother blames it on the fact that she was raised in a shouting household - and i blame it on the fact that if i dont shout she wont hear me. lolol) Course since my Dom has been teaching me the "proper" ways to discuss - my mothers and my arguements are so much less...... energetic. Argueing/debating/discussing is fun. Its also a grand way to learn things.

(in reply to Donnalee)

Post #: 79

RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/28/2006 7:35:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
from the submissive side in getting me to see that having the "power" to always decide did not necessarily mean I had to choose the exact opposite of her just to prove a point.

And you should be praised for having a secure enough ego to at least allow yourself to be open to her teaching you that. So many can't.

And so many (doms and subs) fall into the trap that "no/denial = dominance" and end up with no one being really happy.

Ditto...again..

...(darn La and her quick fingers..lol)...Tempting

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 80

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