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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/29/2006 1:01:08 PM

angharad

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Joined: 10/7/2006
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quote:

He and I are early in our courting/negotiating/training phase and without going into specifics, I simply wanted him to acknowledge my feelings on a matter and understand where I was coming from. It was imperative that we get past that hurdle

I would like to respond to you because I have found myself with very simular feelings in a negiotiating stage of a relationship. To set the scene it was a relationship very simular to this statement,

quote:

"His way or the highway" was something he made very clear very early on

I can get furiously angry and have argued and become very, very distressed. I always thought it was frustration, hurt and fear. Feeling I need support and soft words when that is simply was not going to happen. I think he must understand me! Show me some indication that he has listened and considered what I have said because it feels so important to me. Even just help me understand why he has made the decisions he has, but sometimes there is no explaination. I found this incrediably hard and I struggle with it enormously.

Yet I am starting to understand that much is being taught to me, in a way that I had not considered or even recognised. It is a time of pretty big changes in myself that I'm not really comfortable with. Its not him that I fight but myself.

What I thought was unbelievable hurt and innocent bewilderment, is actually a large part anger. I think I have always been passively aggressive. I have learned that I tend to turn anger on myself.

My tendancy to argue is not going to be resolved any time soon, but its going the right way I think. Perhaps I even enjoy a good arguement, I'm just to afraid to enjoy it because of the power exhange dynamic and a feeling I shouldn't. At times I've questionned if I am even submissive. After the hardest lessons comes a feeling of acceptance and peace.

hope things go well.

A.
.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/29/2006 2:34:50 PM

slavejali

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I'm not interested in a relationship that includes arguing, it doesn't fit with my personality, I like my home to be peaceful and serene.
I think arguing a point or perspective comes from being attached to the outcome of a subject or issue. I would rather be attached to the harmony of our relationship. By keeping that bigger picture in mind, potential arguements can be avoided just by discussion without being attached to the outcome of the subject, realising, the real outcome that I want above anything else would be my submission to Master.

Sure, arguements create fire, but a lot of the time its a destructive fire and not worth the unsettlement of the relationship.
One of the benefits I could see in arguing then finding a resolution would be, that over time it would solidify the relationship, knowing heated things can happen and resolve....but if you have that solidity already..what would be the point?

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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/29/2006 7:59:34 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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Excellent point, Jali. I had terrible fights with my first husband and rather than lead to any sort of passion in sex, it burned that passion out until there was simply nothing left. I sort of don't 'get' make-up sex. When we had a nasty fight, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him. I couldn't let go of things very fast, certainly not fast enough to jump in the sack and pretend everything was fine when an hour before we had been screaming and trying to kill each other.

Himself and I save our passion for the good stuff, like when he kisses me and makes my stomach hurt and knees go weak.

Celeste

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/29/2006 8:18:27 PM

juliaoceania

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Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Excellent point, Jali. I had terrible fights with my first husband and rather than lead to any sort of passion in sex, it burned that passion out until there was simply nothing left. I sort of don't 'get' make-up sex. When we had a nasty fight, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him. I couldn't let go of things very fast, certainly not fast enough to jump in the sack and pretend everything was fine when an hour before we had been screaming and trying to kill each other.

Himself and I save our passion for the good stuff, like when he kisses me and makes my stomach hurt and knees go weak.

Celeste

There is a difference between having a drama filled yelling match complete with tears...and an argument in which common ground was discovered through much effort on both sides. One scenario is not very sexy... the other is. Make up sex is for when a resolution that both feel good about was obtained. For me it is not about "winning", it is about both of us expressing what is inside of ourselves to put the negative behind us so we can move forward. Sometimes unpleasant truths must be aired or the relationship cannot move forward, or even worse, it moves back. It is whether or not one argues fairly and with love in their heart for their mate that in my mind is a great predictor of future relationship success.

I will take well earned make up sex over issues that never get aired like elephant in the room, but I know other people have differing ways of handling their conflicts.

On edit I wanted to make sure you understand I agree that some forms of argument are extremely destructive and hurtful and do nothing but harm a relationship..

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/29/2006 8:21:09 PM >

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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/29/2006 8:29:00 PM

BitaTruble

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Himself and I just stick to discussion and that works for us. In your OP, I read argue/conflict resolution/fight and that put it into a different category for me, so I answered based on the lowest common denominator which to me was 'fight' but they really are three different things. So, I'll change my answer in that we 'argue' about many things, philosophy, religion, theories, the universe, but it's never contentious and there are times when we just agree to disagree on certain subjects. I love Taming of the Shrew, but if the man says the sun is shining in the middle of the night, I'm not going to agree that the sun is shining in the middle of the night. ;) And, we simply don't fight so don't have a need for make-up sex. :)

Celeste

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"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Arguments and The D/s Relationship - 11/30/2006 6:44:17 AM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
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The answer for U/us would be no we dont have arguments especially like youd see in a vanilla relationship. If anything we have minor disagreements on some things on rare occassion. And while final say is ultimately Mine, with exception to her family or her health, I do value her opinion on many issues. I believe any difference of opinion can be worked out calmly, otherwise there would be no power exchange relationship.

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Post #: 86