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how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 5:55:42 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

i have been happily owned and collared for over a year by my Master and at the start our Dom/sub relationship my training was very regular. We did scenes all the time...
Nowadays I can't remember the last time we had a session...

The more i discover about myself and my submissve side, the deeper the love between U/us becomes. But it feels like to me, that the more in love W/we are the less He is inclined to punish me or do scenes. He is very Masterful in touching me intimately and with the nessasary force when we have sex, but He seems to be be slipping into a more vanilla way....
how do i get Him to regain his Dominance over me without actually telling Him. i dont want to appear like i'm topping from the bottom, which i have been accused of before.

i love to keep His house, cook His meals, do chores on my knees for Him gagged and bound for Him.
i would do what ever He asked ... when ever he asks
i have a daughter who He is very aware of... so when she is around i call Him "Babe" instead of Master, He is very respectful of my role as a mother and as a caregiver and He has said that He is "very proud of the great job" that i have done raising my daughter given the lack of support from her dad, and spends a lot of time taking both of us to the beach, surfing, making sand castles and kite flying ,basically doing much more than her own father has done or would ever do...
Neither of U/us want more children for many reasons but also we struggle already with balancing O/our private life around parenting.
So i feel like the more He dotes on His family the less likely we are to do any scenes...When i stuff up which has been a lot lately He dosn't punish me, and i have noticed that i am getting rather careless in my daily routines...
The question of wheather He loves me or not is not the issue here, as He has said He does and i do feel very loved and cared for ...the kisses, cuddles and soft words,and they way he touches show me He loves me. The care and respect He gives my daughter show me that He loves me and i love and adore Him...
Am i being selfish in my cravings for the discipline that i'm need of so much...

Post #: 1

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:02:57 AM

HerEmeraldEyes

Posts: 51
Joined: 7/26/2006
From: Joliet, IL
Status: offline

I have the same problem with my master. He's a druid which makes him a peaceful man. He doesn't like to punish me - he would rather "talk it out".

I am anxiously waiting with you katie to see what answers are given.

Lady Emerald

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 2

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:08:03 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

My Mater is a highly intelligent and creative Individual, who prizes my intelligence as equally as my submissivesness. I really need His discipline as well.
So yes i wait with baited breath to see what is said ...

(in reply to HerEmeraldEyes)

Post #: 3

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:29:46 AM

ctpolydom

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

Just because he is a Druid, does not mean he can not want and desire to be mean or cruel. I in fact love it at times. Part of embracing the inner beast.

(in reply to HerEmeraldEyes)

Post #: 4

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:37:00 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Unfortnately what happens after about a year the "honeymoon" period ends and real life sets in. It sounds to me as though your Dom really cares about you and perhaps knowing that your a single Mom he gives you more room to breathe then he would someone who wasn't a single Mom. Being a single Mom is a hard job! I know, I am one.

Also I know as a Domme that sometimes real life does get in the way. I have trained my sub to do things the way that I like them. I have expectations and have not been disappointed in how he performs. I am pretty laid back so I am not real strict. There have been times when I've been thinking about work or lost in my own thoughts and got up to get my own drink when he jumped to his feet and said in a kidding way "hey thats MY job". No I didnt mean to step on his toes or anything, My mind was on something else at the time.

What you may wish to suggest to your Dom is something that I do with My own sub. I have an open communication policy which goes for both of us. But every 6 months we "grade" (for lack of a better term) each other on our performance over the 6 month time period. We discuss things in a casual, comfortable manner and it covers anything and everything we can think of. I know for us it has really been helpful in defining areas in need of improvement or bringing attention to areas of wonderful growth. It is nonconfrontational and is an opportunity to bring up such things as the problem that you are currently undergoing.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can work things out with your Dom.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 5

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:38:56 AM

boundupone

Posts: 53
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline

It is a tough one. The main problem is that you don't want to initiate anything for fear of topping him.

I would suggest arranging time away from your kid (local hotel or something) with the express purpose of scening. Other than that i would suggest buying some new toys or joining a S&M website and looking through it together. It will hopefully inspire him.

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 6

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:51:17 AM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps you can inspire the dynamic to become more strong and consistent in Him by having your surrender become more apparent in you. Even in public or in front of your daughter you can integrate little things that keep it real between Y/you... speaking more submissively... only holding your eyes on His for a moment before down casting them... making certain you feed Him at least one bite at every meal, even in public... finding ways to have your eyes lower than His when you hand Him something... sitting at His feet because "This feels better for my back" etc...

Humbly~*
Master's dorei

(in reply to boundupone)

Post #: 7

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 7:02:38 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

thanks MasterNdorei for your advice
quote]Even in public or in front of your daughter you can integrate little things that keep it real between Y/you... speaking more submissively... only holding your eyes on His for a moment before down casting them... making certain you feed Him at least one bite at every meal, even in public... finding ways to have your eyes lower than His when you hand Him something... sitting at His feet because "This feels better for my back" etc...
[/quote]
All being done, and all initiated by me.... I call him Sir infront of my daughter more and more ( she thinks this is funny, she is so cute).....

yes this is a tough one..

(in reply to MasterNdorei)

Post #: 8

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 7:08:50 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

Thank you so much Lashra for your advice.Your right in saying that my Master gives me room to "mother".
It is a quality that He really respects and admires and He dotes on my daughter....

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 9

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 7:10:05 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie7
how do i get Him to regain his Dominance over me without actually telling Him.

A thing I've learned: subtle hints are often lost on people, especially men. Another thing I've learned: to not simply say what you need is passive-aggressive behavior that often backfired.

Be an adult and simply tell him straight forward. When you do, use statements that focus on how you feel, not statements about his behavior. For example, say, "I am feeling unwanted because we are not scening. Can we try to do that more?" rather than, "You aren't being the Master I rememeber/want. You don't scene with me anymore. Please change that." The latter has a tendency to put people on the defensive and it usually goes downhill from there.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 10

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 7:15:37 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

The direct appraoch backfired and I was accused of topping, but yes it is definately how you phrase it
Thankyou for your advice MasterFireMaan

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 7:41:30 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

katie, Your problem is very common, and not just in the fetish world. When couples come together, the first year or so you are so fired up about each other that you play all you can. But as the initial bloom fades, people tend to get lazy. It's not that they love you any less, they just aren't as motivated to keep up their end, in this case him being the Master.

Bottom line is you cannot MAKE him be what you want him to be. It has nothing to do with topping from the bottom. It is a fact of life. We all are responsible for who we decide to be, and each of us must do it for ourselves. As you have tried several approaches to deal with the issue with him, the conclusion I am getting is that he isn't willing to put in the effort any longer. This could be from life's stresses, problems at work, money issues, you know the song and dance. Or it could just be as simple as he isn't interested in maintaining the level of intensity he had when you first got together.

If it were a vanilla relationship, I would suggest counseling, and actually that might not be a bad idea anyway. You don't have to mention the fetish part of your life, just that you aren't getting the intimate and sexual relationship you desire any longer. The issue could be put in a vanilla way, and still address the real issue.

One huge word of caution, whoever suggested that you use submissive language in front of your daughter is very, very wrong. You didn't mention how old she is, but the implication is that she is young. Adult fetish activities should never ever be done around the kids. First of all, they don't have the maturity to understand it. More importantly, if this were to get out publically, in a worse case scenario, you could have your daughter taken from you by the state.

On this same concept, all fetish toys should be locked away (not just put away, locked away) when you are not scening. Again, if the child is exposed to this stuff, and it is found out, that is reason for the state to remove her as you are not being a "fit" mother according to their requirements.

It may not be fair, it may not be right, but it has happened. So please be careful.

Do see if your Master would consider vanilla marriage counseling. Far as I can tell, you have done as much as you can do on your own.

Best of luck to you. Sir Dominic

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 12

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 7:57:57 AM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

With all due respect SirDominic, whatever you conjured up as "using submissive language" is certainly not what i suggested as "speaking more submissively". People do not have their children taken away from them because they deferred to their mate in a conversation, or practiced exceedingly good manners...

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 13

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 8:07:50 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

Thank you Sir Dominic for your very honest opinion of, as you say a very common problem...
i feel i have not tried every avenue yet. i feel there are a few things suggessted here that i can try before going to councelling...

In regards to my daughter who is a minor, she has never been exposed nor will she ever to our toys, books, or videos... (they have been locked away for a quite a while)
I consider myself a very responsable mother and He has realised this and has great respect for this,... and her developing sense of self and given me the room to care for her in the best way morally, spriritually, financially( the latter with His support)...
tho I will cut the "Sirs" in her presence...and thank you to everyone else who posted on this thread...Its 2.35 am in Oz so i'm off to bed...I will check this on the morrow....keep the advice coming....its very much appreciated.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 14

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 8:17:52 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

MasterNdorei, no disrespect intended. I was concerned katie might misinterpret your words to mean she could bring more of her fetish life into her daily life, and I wanted to clarify that. One of my best friends works for the state in children's affairs, so I have a level of awareness greater than most about how the system works. He has told me many horror stories about what they have the power to do. Even if you are not doing anything wrong, if they decide you are, they do have that power. It is a particularly grey area if you are dealing with anything outside the "norm", which the fetish community certainly is by 'nilla standards.

(in reply to MasterNdorei)

Post #: 15

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 8:26:03 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

katie, good to hear your reply; you are taking the sensible precautions. Besides I didn't know you live in OZ, where standards and statutes may be very different indeed. I live in Florida and they are frighteningly draconian here!

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 16

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 8:49:18 AM

HerEmeraldEyes

Posts: 51
Joined: 7/26/2006
From: Joliet, IL
Status: offline

I was raised in a household where Sir and Ma'am was the common way that children addressed their parents and that mother addressed father. For the first few years of my daughter's life (0-3 years or so) Master/Mistress was fine because she didn't associate. Now that she's older we're using "sir" and "ma'am" because its polite address.

As far as suggesting that my master, who is a druid, is non-violent, it was a direct comment concerning him - not all druids. And I don't concider S&M violent personally. What I meant to say is that he is very laid back, spiritual and very motivated by internal personal growth. He prefers to have a "discussion" about what I've done wrong, why I"ve disappointed him inthe hope that my personal strength will grow. I've explained to him that sometimes I need to be treated like a 5 year old and just put over a knee and beat! LOL his response is simply - you're not five I shouldn't have to.

So, when you've non passive-aggressive asked your master for more S&M time, and you've even indicated that you have a need for pain, you've worded it correctly, and still nothing? I feel for katie very strongly -its hard to be submissive and serve with obedience and love when we don't feel we are getting what we need.

but then again, I hate to be seen as complaining.

Sorry Katie if I have no answers for you - just more questions.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 17

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 9:37:01 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

it was once suggested to me to just kneel infront of my Dom - waiting hand and foot for any command. Where ever he sits.. just kneel - for hours if it need be. It was actually suggested to me to do so for 48 hours and if it doesnt work - another 48 hours. Hands out stretched in front of you, ass in the air, naked of course.. you might need a sabbatical from the wee one for a weekend to do so.

Or you could always just beg for a spanking.

(in reply to HerEmeraldEyes)

Post #: 18

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 1:38:55 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

just a couple of suggestions....
first, ask for what you need (not what you want). this is really hard for me but i've found it helps. often times Master doesn't realize intuitively that i'm needing a spanking (or what ever). if i ask in an appropriate manner he responds more times than not. in our dynamic, this is not topping from the bottom. Master requires input from me to understand where my head is and to respond appropriately.
second, have you considered getting involved in your local kinky community? it might be the kick start that He needs. for us it has been quite an eye opening experience. we've learned some new techniques and so are 'practicing' them frequently.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 19

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 4:44:35 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

Master and i may still be considered in the "honeymoon" stage. However, life being what it is with stress and obligations etc. He loses His focus, gets tired, doesn't want to concentrate and doesn't respond necessarily from my begging or asking. He's just pooped. So what i do is motivate Him. i write an erotic story complete with all the things i know turn Him on. Then, since W/we don't live together, i email it to Him. That has been known to work wonders. If you can't write, find one you think He'd like. i think putting the fun back into it rather than making it a heavy discussion type thing might be a nice twist. Hope this helps.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 20

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