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RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 5:41:27 PM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

Good morning from Oz and thank for the replys...
my local kinky community is to my knowledge very backaward.. All though i have only my Master's word as He has been involved for the last 8 yrs here..but i have no reason to doubt Him...
The south Australian city in which i live is very rural as far as cities go.Both myself amd my Master originate from large cosmopolitan cities in Eurupe, where the Kink community was and remains widely accepted within in O/our vanila circle of friends as well as O/our more deviant creative folk, much more widely tolelerated and indeed celebrated...where as here.... i have discussed this with Master and He is of the same opinion that W/e would feel more comfortbale and free with me crawaling on my hands and knees behind him in the bush on a camping trip (which W/we have done...lol

) much better than hooking up with some country hick folk from here..Although to be fair i have only lived here for two years and its early days in my being owned....

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 21

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:00:02 PM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

As a child i always referred to my grandfather as Sir but his kids( my aunts abd uncles) always called him Sir as he was a teacher in the old tradition of the catholic boys school and was not afraid to use the cane at home aswell as school..

But in raising my daughter i am trying to instill the same value system that i had instiilled into me, namely independance, self suficency, freedom to speak your mind, and a strong sence of self and cofidence.And so far she has the soul of an wise old grandmother who has had many lives already...
As much as i get off on calling my Master, Sir, I have been shown that this is not really acceptable in front of her i dont want to confuse her opinion of Him.
As far as she is concernened He is Mummies 'boyfrien"d who "plays with her and takes her fun places more than Daddy"
thank you all for your advice.
I already feel much more motivated to try harder in my duties and in O/our private time. I have arrangerd for my child to stay with her grandparents this Saturday night , ( they are puttinf up the christmas tree so she will have lots of fun), so maybe
He might notice all my extra effort this week and be motivated to do some "training" heres hoping

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to HerEmeraldEyes)

Post #: 22

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:11:03 PM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

so many great answers and points of veiw, while it is true after the "honeymoon" period things do get less than physical I would like to point out that that is not always a bad thing, for me it helped me to work solely on my D/s dymanic and leave the BD or S/m for other times, punishments or special occasions. real happens and cuts the intense time we all have with our others, in whatever way we have to spend with them. I have always been defiecent in my servicing and household duties, now when I'm a good girl by Daddy standards I get a special treat or a not so special one when I am not so good lol. The question for me would not be "How do I get Him to regain His Dominace" so much as why do I still feel the need to be put in myplace so much still? There is a time in all our lives where we should know what to do or not to do and someties we little pain sluts or just sluts do not get what it is we think we need from our Masters only to find out that we are getting more with out it........sabe?

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 23

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:17:23 PM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

thank you slavemaia for your input.
This is somthing I have not thought of before and indeed is definately worth ago as He loves erotica and erotic drwings and as I am an artist i should illustrate the stories even... Cant believe i didnt think of that one...I have been wrinting or a few years now... but have never shown Him anything as i didn't belive it would be worthy and He never pushed to see it...fantastic another item to do... in my armory of advice.
Keep it coming F/folks!!!!!!
i must away to clean the house and go shopping for dinner this eveing but i will check back before i go to bed
Thank you so much...it is really truly a honour to have Y/ you all help me like this

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to slavemaia)

Post #: 24

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/28/2006 6:46:16 PM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDSM05478

, the question would not be "How do I get Him to regain His Dominace" so much as why do I still feel the need to be put in myplace so much still?

I feel the need growing within me for His Dominace, more and more each day as W/we grow deeper in love and i deeper into my submission, ( i am relitively new to this lifestyle as compared with my Master).

It's not a question of needing to be put in my place... "still"....i am who i am .. and i cannot change my growing submission nor indeed would i ever want to...and i live where my place is curled up by his feet, where He likes it...as do i ( when W/we are able due to parenting constranints)....i would like U/us both to enjoy this.. using disipline and scening as W/we did previously.
To quote you as you said ..."while it is true after the "honeymoon" period things do get less than physical I would like to point out that that is not always a bad thing, for me it helped me to work solely on my D/s dymanic and leave the BD or S/m for other times, punishments or special occasions."...
this i agree with very much so...in the sense that i am trying to concentate on the D/s side of our relationship....(in an effort to bring about more proactive involment)...
except to say that the "punishements" or scening for "speciial occasions" of which you spoke, is not happening at all..... which is the core problem i am facing.... how to draw that out of Him again...without actaully asking Him directly, as when i did before i was accused of topping..It is not His thing.
So i'm looking for possible solutions for foreplay for sceneing if you like.. which will ultimatley and hopefully lead to sceneing an/or punishment....

Thank you for your input. you put a very differnet take to the issue at hand....

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to BDSM05478)

Post #: 25

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 12:52:45 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

7.20pm 38 degrees centrigrade and no more replys....

has my post died a death...
Has no-one any more advice for me.i would love to here from Y/you all.

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 26

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 3:06:43 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

i have discussed this with Master and He is of the same opinion that W/e would feel more comfortbale and free with me crawling on my hands and knees behind him in the bush on a camping trip (which W/we have done...lol )

You know there is a 4WD BDSM club operating out of Sydney? Know you're from Adelaide but might be worth a look.

http://4wdbdsmgetaway.net/main.html

Btw, I can relate to the feeling of isolation re living away from major cities, I've really been feeling lately I've wanted to hook up with other like minded people again. Hasn't been an issue for us up till now, probably because we have just been so busy sorting things out in one way or another, now we have time to relax I'm really wishing for friends who understand our relationship..no hope where we live though! lol.

Just realised I didn't address the actual topic. I think its natural like others have mentioned that there is a honeymoon period, where everything is intense, in my mind its kinda a fake stage in the relationship, then the reality of everyday life sets in and the reality of everyday life is the best position to work from, you're settled together, you're a team, you're comfortable with each other and committed. So what to do? Accept that things aren't going to stay "intense"..that kinda intensity you get from casual and new partners is like the adrenalin you feel when your topical desires are satiated, yet its not lasting. Example " Oooo I'd kill for some ice-cream right now!!" and when you get it its like "yessssssssssss"....then after youve consumed it its like "Dang where can I get me some more of that!!!"..but after awhile you realise....rather than binge consuming....a healthy stable diet is what will really give you lasting satisfaction...it might seem at first more boring than the binging..but in the end you realise..its actually more wholesome and fulfilling.

So anyways.. hope you could follow that, it worked for me as an example lol.

Anyways, so you're over the honeymoon period...cool...be grateful. You've got a partner who really loves you..thats really cool...be grateful. Take a deep breath and relax. One of the things that works for Master and I is he gives me a "to do" list everyday, that way the entire day every little thing I do I know has come from him. It doesnt take much energy on his part, I'm not demanding he dominate me in any way but he is just by simply guiding my daily activities....and when he comes home of an evening I'm just burstiong at the seam with submissiveness, which then just probably provokes his dominance naturally. I think domination and submission work off each other like that to a large degree. It's in the little things that will have it working on a deeper and deeper level which will satiate your cravings to submit.

I know you said you want to feel punished or whatever...but I don't think thats it....feeling the boundaries sure...but that always comes back to really just wanting to feel submissive...and it really doesn't matter how that plays out and is not dependent on kink.

Well I hope some of that made sense, I am high as a kite on these really strong painkillers at the moment. lol

< Message edited by slavejali -- 11/29/2006 3:42:59 AM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 27

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 3:31:21 AM

MrrPete

Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie7
how do i get Him to regain his Dominance over me without actually telling Him.

A thing I've learned: subtle hints are often lost on people, especially men. Another thing I've learned: to not simply say what you need is passive-aggressive behavior that often backfired.

Be an adult and simply tell him straight forward. When you do, use statements that focus on how you feel, not statements about his behavior. For example, say, "I am feeling unwanted because we are not scening. Can we try to do that more?" rather than, "You aren't being the Master I rememeber/want. You don't scene with me anymore. Please change that." The latter has a tendency to put people on the defensive and it usually goes downhill from there.

Master Fire

So true. Asking why questions isn't such a hot idea either. This is verbal finger pointing and I know it puts me on the defensive. Keep all fingers pointed at yourself.

If you have a local group that has activities try them out. Maybe some others on this list from down under can help you out in this area.

_____________________________

Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 28

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominance. - 11/29/2006 4:36:42 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

Thank you MrrPete for your valuable input.

i have been keeping all the weight of this issue on my end, not finger pointing at all.After initially being accused of topping when i brought the issue previously i am loathe to unsettle Him again this way. Hoping instead to achieve equilibrium again using other means...

my submissive and feminine will, obedience, persistence and general level of servitude.
Keeping up my end of my contract was getting difficult without His firm hand and discipline, until i started this post, now i'm so much more motivated being armed with all this advice.

With regards to a local group,W/we live in a fairly rural Australian town and my Master is very picky in terms of what He get involves in. Having come from a large cosmopolitan city in Europe where He was very highly involved in the scene there He is quite picky and has said this Himself, when W/we discussed getting involved before...
I may start another post to see what my fellow South Australians on CM have to say regarding the scene here...
thank you again.

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to MrrPete)

Post #: 29

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 4:41:38 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

Btw, I can relate to the feeling of isolation re living away from major cities, I've really been feeling lately I've wanted to hook up with other like minded people again. Hasn't been an issue for us up till now, probably because we have just been so busy sorting things out in one way or another, now we have time to relax I'm really wishing for friends who understand our relationship..no hope where we live though! lol.

Just realised I didn't address the actual topic. I think its natural like others have mentioned that there is a honeymoon period, where everything is intense, in my mind its kinda a fake stage in the relationship, then the reality of everyday life sets in and the reality of everyday life is the best position to work from, you're settled together, you're a team, you're comfortable with each other and committed. So what to do? Accept that things aren't going to stay "intense"..that kinda intensity you get from casual and new partners is like the adrenalin you feel when your topical desires are satiated, yet its not lasting. Example " Oooo I'd kill for some ice-cream right now!!" and when you get it its like "yessssssssssss"....then after youve consumed it its like "Dang where can I get me some more of that!!!"..but after awhile you realise....rather than binge consuming....a healthy stable diet is what will really give you lasting satisfaction...it might seem at first more boring than the binging..but in the end you realise..its actually more wholesome and fulfilling.

So anyways.. hope you could follow that, it worked for me as an example lol.

Anyways, so you're over the honeymoon period...cool...be grateful. You've got a partner who really loves you..thats really cool...be grateful. Take a deep breath and relax. One of the things that works for Master and I is he gives me a "to do" list everyday, that way the entire day every little thing I do I know has come from him. It doesnt take much energy on his part, I'm not demanding he dominate me in any way but he is just by simply guiding my daily activities....and when he comes home of an evening I'm just burstiong at the seam with submissiveness, which then just probably provokes his dominance naturally. I think domination and submission work off each other like that to a large degree. It's in the little things that will have it working on a deeper and deeper level which will satiate your cravings to submit.

I know you said you want to feel punished or whatever...but I don't think thats it....feeling the boundaries sure...but that always comes back to really just wanting to feel submissive...and it really doesn't matter how that plays out and is not dependent on kink.

Well I hope some of that made sense, I am high as a kite on these really strong painkillers at the moment. lol
[/quote]

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 30

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominance. - 11/29/2006 4:44:53 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

Whoops i buggered up my reply i wanted to say that what you had to say was extremely helpful. Thanks for the link i will check it out. Adelaide is very backward compared to where i lived in Europe...

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 31

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominance. - 11/29/2006 8:34:47 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

katie, here is another way to possibly look at this. you said right up front that your Master loves you and loves your child, essentially he considers you a family. What if he isn't willing to change concerning his dominance (or lack thereof)? Could you live with that, be happy with that? This is not a question you need to answer to us; it is something you definitely should answer within your own mind and heart.

Sir Dominic

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 32

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 8:43:36 AM

amuzingtoyou

Posts: 144
Joined: 6/27/2006
Status: offline

katie,
I don't believe its selfish to express your needs. I think the only way you are going to get those needs met is by being completely open and honest with him about how you are feeling. You say you want him to start dominating you without telling him, but that isn't likely to happen. A dominant cannot read your mind. Part of your responsibility is making your needs known. You do have to be prepared for what his answer may be. He is after all the dominant, and you have agreed to follow his lead. So maybe he feels this is the best route for you at this time. Maybe this is what he can give at this time. But neither of you will never know unless you sit down and communicate. In any relationship, things are going to change. The initial phase or they honeymood phase is a wonderful time. But eventually real life problems and concerns get in the way. You have a man who loves you, and you say you love him. So now is the time for you do some work. Tell him how you are feeling and also make sure you are fufilling his needs as well. It can't all be about you..and it can't all be about him. It is a relationship, and both parties need to be happy. Good luck with it.

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 33

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 11:19:52 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

I dont know why you see talking to him about your needs as topping from the bottom. It isnt. Without that communication the only one at foult for you not getting what you want and need is you.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to amuzingtoyou)

Post #: 34

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 2:01:23 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Just my personal opinion here and worth exactly what you paid me for it.

A S-type's options are limited when it comes to this, If you "get him to, hint at it, or work some other scheme to nudge him into it, you are manipulating the situation. So your real option is to simply communicate that you have a need/ desire to _______.
You can certainly ake your case as strongly as you wish within the bounds of respect, but to take any action to shift things without his being brought into the loop ahead of time would be maniplation in my book

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 35

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 3:00:44 PM

BrokenDoll

Posts: 106
Joined: 8/15/2006
Status: offline

...

_____________________________

Please take care of your toys treat them with Love and respect, For broken toys are no fun at all!

-doll-

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 36

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 5:31:31 PM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

He sees this as toppig...

_____________________________

"Without my dominace you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different." - My Beloved

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 37

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 5:46:02 PM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Have you thought about or tried an *s* journal?

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 38

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominence. - 11/29/2006 6:58:02 PM

Smythe

Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie7

He sees this as toppig...

katie, if direct communication from you (as MasterFire Maam suggested) is seen as topping from the bottom, then your master doesn't want to hear from you about this. And it is damn hard to get someone to change if they don't want to, especially us Dommish types.

If you have tried direct talking, and it was rejected, then the only other thing I can think of is writing to him...a heartfelt but not too long letter. Tell him how much you loved what you used to do, how his dominance made you feel. how you long to please and serve him. And so on. Sometimes, written communication can succeed where talking has failed.

One other thing. Your current situation may be temporary and he could have a resurgence. Things sometimes ebb and flow. i know that at times I have a ton of energy to tie up my boy and strap-on the strap-on...and then I go through phases where the toy bag gathers dust. It comes and goes. So, if nothing else works, just have patience. Best luck

Smythe

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 39

RE: how do I get Him to regain His Dominance. - 11/30/2006 8:58:27 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I haven't read the entire thread through katie, so my apologies if I drone on here with thoughts that have already been expressed.

If I felt I had to encourage or instigate, niggle or nudge, remind or generally prompt authority..........he simply wouldn't have it.

Either he's in control and directing things.....or he isn't
There's no ambiguity about it. It doesn't wax and wane.

If he doesn't have *dominance* over me..... it's his choice and in his lap......I certainly will not be pursuing it. He will reap what he sows.. If he can't, won't or does not.......my life will be different but I wouldn't try to *encourage* him.....That's what I do for my children.

I can have a friendship with him, I can respect him as a person but if he isn't mastering me then he is not my *Master*. He can be anything else.....but he won't be THAT..... The relationship is based on WHAT he owns, why he owns it and how he CAME to own it. If those things alter, the relationship will too.

The same applies to me.....if I don't listen, respect and follow him...then it will not be the M/s relationship that we both signed up for.

I might be out of step with others....but frankly, it's up to him to keep things on track. He has the authority and the control; what he does with that will determine the outcome of all situations.

He's the boss............ he must BE the boss.

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 11/30/2006 9:00:22 AM >

(in reply to katie7)

Post #: 40

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