marieToo -> RE: How submissiveness feels (12/7/2006 3:47:27 PM)
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ORIGINAL: justheather quote:
MarieToo said: I can't relate to this relaxed and centered feeling that so many of the others refer to, or the almost psychodelic feelings of floating etc. The only thing that comes close to this for me is when I'm kneeling and it feels like I cannot possibly get low enough for this person....there I find a moment of comfort. Beyond that, it's more like I'm one big emotional nerve, raw and exposed. This probably has alot to do with my choice of partners. Maybe someday I would like to experience all of this "warm and fuzzy", lovey dovey, protected and safe, stuff that some of the others talk about; just not any time soon. This made me stop and think about what, exactly, Im talking about when I say "Submission feels like this..." because the feelings that I have in my body when Im submitting to physical or emotional/psychological pain are not the same feelings that I have when I "feel submissive" in a moment when I am anticipating submitting to pain, submitting via an act of service, or simply engaged in a particular posture that amplifies the atunement I spoke of earlier. That's an interesting observation to point out. In trying to wrap around what you're saying, I think I can relate to this as well. Feeling submissive in anticipation of what is coming is not nearly as emotional, or even as 'conflicting' as when Im actually "in it", so to speak. It's more of an excited feeling and I dont feel the same level of self-awareness, as when Im actually experiencing whatever it was I was anticipating. I think you've pointed out another way that one can "feel" their submission. I hope I've captured your drift, heather. quote:
When I am in the midst of submitting to pain or something not particularly pleasant, there is a disequilibrium that manifests itself any number of ways...among them is that sense of conflict that you and katy spoke of, marie. If you don't mind my asking, what do you think it (the conflict/disequilibrium) stems from? quote:
Sometimes the unpleasantries begin without warning. My parasypathetic nervous system does not have an opportunity to prime my body for acceptance. When that happens, it's all about the fight or flight feelings...the hyper-awareness, the quickening pulse, the butterflies in the stomach. Usually just after I become aware of these sensations, I try very hard to be present with the physical sensations associated with whatever is going on. The sense of conflict comes back over me in intermittent waves until Im just too tired to be conflicted and there is nothing left but the sweet release of tears and a wonderful endorphin rush. I'm not clear if this is something that you like or something that you find challenging. But I wonder if eventually we (you, me, any random S type) experience the fight/flight reaction to a lesser degree as trust builds up. I dont mean trust in physical safety (Im going to assume thats a given for any intelligent woman) but I mean trust that your partner isnt going to do emotional harm. I wonder if eventually the choice becomes "fight, flight or just surrender ; surrender to the madness of it all without thinking, without needing to wonder, without needing a reason other than its what he wants. I wonder if it's actually being down on the mat, spent, crying and defenseless that we (you, me, any random S type) get off on, or if its the "fight" that we go through on the way down, that stimulates so much. when I say 'the fight' I mean the conflict itself. Maybe its necessary for some of us, as a part of the bent. I don't know. In my own case, Ive never really been long term (say at least a year) with anyone in a Ds relationship where I can speak to this or say "hey I finally reached a point where the fight/ flight stuff has lifted and Im not so nerve-racked any longer, and hey, I like experiencing my submission this way". For me personally, it's still an unknown. quote:
Certainly we choose our partners for a reason, so Im not at all suggesting you or katy or anyone else who isnt into the type of feelings I described earlier try something different...but I would like to just let you know that I believe it is possible to experience the warm fuzzy safeness in one moment and a split second later be flat on your face against a cold tile floor, not knowing how far he is going to go, if it will be "too much" for you, and giving in to the fact that he will go as far as he wants to because it's his right. I have no doubt. I have heard many S types describe this. In other words you can have loving and harsh and enjoy it as your dynamic and be perfectly fulfilled with having it both ways. It's an "animal" that Im not familiar with, but one I can certainly understand. quote:
It is also possible to experience the feelings I described earlier while still having a sense of conflict, even fear. I would venture to say, even, that in those moments where I am highly aware of my body and the physical manifestations of submission, there is an ever- so- thin thread of something like what you described that runs through the core of my body...more manifest in thought than feeling, but still barely tangible, that reminds me as I let go that he can do whatever he wants. In that moment, I give myself over to the choice that I made when I committed myself to submitting to him, and that thin thread becomes something around which all the wonderful feelings orbit. Sounds like the toughest part is also the most rewarding for you. (If Im reading you correctly) quote:
That is not to say that I feel warm and fuzzy through whatever comes next. Would this include stuff like sipping hot chocolate together while looking at the stars in the evening sky? Cuz that might be kinda corney, unless of course the 'whatever' that came next was having to strip naked in the cold and do the hokey pokey before you can come back in the house... Now THAT would be some kinky shit. quote:
Im impressed by the fact that you and others who have posted are practicing mindfulness in their submission. Being present in your body and attending to the physical manifestation of your submission, the unpleasant as well as the pleasant, requires, I think, a certain kind of bravery. Yeah, that or a certain kind of insanity.
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