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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 3:57:32 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		This is my new permanent avatar.

I'd had a fairly involved relationship with this person for an entire year before this  "mis-hap" (he was my introduction into the bdsm world) - and never had any hint he was like this (Really. He didn't even appear to have much of a temper). I know it was stupid. He is terrifically physically attractive, although I must say that now that doesn't matter to me at all, based on the fact he is totally and  completely void of any kind  of  soul or "spiritualness" (I don't know how else to put it).

I know it seems ridiculous. What can I say? I feel like a fool. The long and short of it is: I was very lonely and the clincher (for me) was that 1) He lives near me, and 2) He was a Dom I thought I knew pretty well (not a stranger).

He contacted me and we'd been gone out for coffee and back to his place once or twice for "activity". We'd both agreed it was more or less "as friends" (for awhile anyway). I honestly thought we were just _uck buddies. I'd wanted to get together with him about 6 months before, and he'd rejected the idea - and also I thought he was monogamous, and he had another GF (and if he was monogamous, I didn't want to wreck anything they had there). Then, he delcared himself to be "Poly". (I'd already decided I was going to be Poly, but hadn't actually practiced it).

Until after about 3 weeks of seeing eachother casually, he suddenly declared he wanted to be "together" (a couple). By that time, my emotions really were involved. Guess I just don't Do the _uck buddy thing very well - which probably means, that for me, becoming Poly will be a challenge, but I am not really thinking I am up for being Monogamous.   

Yes - I should not have become involved, But- I did have a bdsm relationship (and a fairly close one) with this person for a year a few years ago - and really thought I knew him. However, the first time around we'd been monogamous, and this time, we agreed to be Poly. Or so I thought. Apparently, He is the only one who gets to be Poly (that wasn't what I agreed to, however). I wasn't even seeing anyone else, but was very open to that option (He was certainly practicing it - Poly, I mean. He had another GF. I'd met her, he saw on week-ends. And the strange thing is - I didn't care that much).

Then I went to a Munch - alone - and he hit the roof. Maybe he shouldn't try to handle being Poly if this kind of thing is going to bother him that much. I wasn't trying to make anyone "jealous" (I am far too old to try to do that kind of silly Jr. High game playing. I didn't do it in Jr. HS, either). I simply attended a Munch alone. There are some other things that happened, but I'd prefer to discuss not at all, or elsewhere (e-mail?). Suffice it to say - I thought I knew who He was. I didn't.

But - Yes, I did learn something.

1) Take it slowwwww (even if eveything seems okay).

2) I am still probably not ready for a relationship (but maybe - time will tell).

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/4/2006 4:17:18 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:00:47 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, yes - I do feel like a fool. It was not a very good decision, in retrospect.
That's pretty much an understatement. 

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:11:28 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Well, yes - I do feel like a fool. It was not a very good decision, in retrospect.
That's pretty much an understatement. 

- Susan


I agree with L.A.
When someone tries to deprive you of friends, family that's a real warning sign!
And this guy also had a G.F.?
Sheesh!
Susan, you need a good hard spanking. No, a Canning!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:14:51 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		He is Poly (or so he says). I am Poly, too (at least I am going to try to be).
He told me his GF was okay with it - or (believe me) I never, ever would have seen him.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:23:23 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250


Susan, you need a good hard spanking. No, a Canning!


You're going to cram her into a Mason Jar and process her in hot water?

Susan, welcome back. It doesn't sound as though you jumped into anything. You had known him for quite some time and had even been in a relationship before. Apparently he's a true Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde. Sorry you had to discover this the hard way.

But just because he's an untrustworthy SOB doesn't mean you can't ever have a successful relationship. Unfortunately con artists are in all walks of life. Hopefully your next relationship whether monogamous or poly will be with someone who lives up to his words.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:24:10 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

He is Poly (or so he says). I am Poly, too (at least I am going to try to be).
He told me his GF was okay with it - or (believe me) I never, ever would have seen him.

- Susan 


LOL, she caught you?

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:35:35 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate that, Celeste - I do.

What I did was this: I went to a Munch alone. We'd discussed "being Poly" before we got "re-involved" as a couple , and he claimed it would work both ways.

Two week-ends ago, I went to the Bdsm house (yeah, the "creepy" one I went to that one time. But it's one of the few spots in town to practice Bdsm here, unless you have a huge network of bdsm buddies in town, which I do not. I did not see the guy there  who gave me trouble last time, either). This time, I took safety precautions and went with a friend.

He (My ex-Dom) "just happened" to show up there. He apparently saw me exchange phone numbers with someone (a male, straight someone, which I did do). When I got home (I was living a his place), he slapped me so hard I fell over. He then chased me around the living room, threatening to beat me to a pulp, and into the kitchen. I was so scared I fell backward down his kitchen stairs into the basement. He followed me down there and punched me in the eye, and slapped me again. Really hard. Then he just left me there, stating: "Hope you learned what Not to do tonight." I thought at least one of my ribs was broken (it wasn't. I did go to a doctor to check. However, if I hadn't caught hold of the hand-rail on the staircase about half-way down, I am convinced I would have either a 1) Broken back or a 2) Bitten off tongue. And I am mailing him the doctor bill, when I get it - even though I have insurance).

Fortunately, I had my purse (and cell phone) with me, and I called my "vanilla" GF, and she picked me up and I never went back. He's called me, and I have accepted his "apology". But I think it's safe to say that our "friendship" is over. 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/4/2006 5:13:37 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 4:46:41 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		holy fuck!!!
 
i am glad you are ok though...we missed you...
 
PS put the SOB in jail...please...

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 5:05:57 PM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		"Hope you learned what Not to do tonight."   That was an understatement.

Glad you're OK, Susan.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 5:12:16 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I thought he had a slight jealous streak, (and also quite an ego) but he was saying we were both Poly (and he was seeing not only his other GF, whom he'd introduced me to, but also other women - at least one I know of). He'd also said it was okay if we were both Poly (because I do know that in some relationships, it is the woman only who is monogamous - or the man, or rather - only one partner, take your pick). 

My family is full of attorneys: My sister and brother-in-law, Plus two of my  cousins). I considered it. I also have a few friends who are attorneys.
If he doesn't pay the doctor bill, he is "toast" in that regard, as far as I am concerned (jail). I am mad enough to "out" myself to my family-of-origin (even though they basically know not much, if anything about my involvement in bdsm. They may have "hints" about it, but that's probably about it). 

But anyway, enough about that. I am glad to be back here. Thanks for the kind concern.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/4/2006 6:07:52 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 6:03:05 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		well i am glad you are safe....but nothing he did speaks of BDSM persay....what he did was criminal....and i hate to say this...but this is a lesson i have learned the hard way:
 
i did not put my abuser in jail....i thought he learned his lesson.....i thought he would never do it again.....but i was very wrong...and a girl almost died and 4 others were sexually assualted 3 of them underage....i live with that everyday.
 
i am not telling you what to do....but just like in the other situation at that same club you wrote about, this is a defining moment in your life....are you going to stand up for what is right, or hope that some one else does?

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 6:10:35 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		That is a very good point, crouching tigress (amy). I hadn't thought of that (really).
I am going to consider that seriously, particulary since he appears to be so "normal" (if I was fooled, someone else may be as well). I really am not worried about what my family thinks of any bdsm stuff (I could tell my sister; she is pretty closed mouth about things, and a lawyer - we know a lot about eachother I know nobody else probably  knows).

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/4/2006 6:12:11 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 6:30:54 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		Susan..it is good to see you back but I will admit I will miss seeing the "old you" ...regardless of whether or not Liv Tyler looks like you (or vice versa) that will always be how I "identify" you in my brain.

Sincerely,

The "old" jessieme

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 7:23:47 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate that (and do wish I looked like Liv Tyler. She is very lucky. Even though I consider myself relatively attractive, liv Tyler is in "knock-out" territory)...

- Suzanne (Susan)

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 7:23:48 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		You can't change your avatar...your avatar has to want to change.

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Small deeds will always mean more than large intentions.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 7:24:52 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Ha! Good one. I should have asked my avatar (or sent it to counselling).

- Susan  

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 8:48:19 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

nevermind, right after I posted one as a suggestion I saw that someone was using it

Yeah I've changed mine now twice in the last 2 months. Seems I pick one and it gets popular. Gets confusing when I'm skimming a thread and see my avitar in relation to a master and her lesbian lover. Makes me stop and go HUH? Whoops someone took my avitar again gotta change.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 8:50:11 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Don't turn your back on this & pass it off... put the SOB in jail.

Most cases all the judge does (with no priors) is slap them with probation, withhold placing any marks on their record (only the indication of arrest for Domestic Violence but no conviction unless you really dig for it) & several sessions with a therapist.

BUT...

If this fucktard is ever guilty of this again & is arrested for it again... he will face the full extent of the law. Its sad that more than one woman has to be beaten before these animals end up behind bars but this is the way the system is set up in many areas.

I am speaking from experience. I had a boyfriend punch me dead to the face totally without provocation. I called the police, had him arrested, filed an injunction, worked with the States Attorney office to push this through & in the end what I described above was all that happened & it was explained to me that sadly this was pretty much standard procedure.

Too often women don't press charges because they are embarrassed or feel like they are no longer in danger. But you heard it from one other here... these guys are completely capable of doing this over & over again so long as women keep allowing them to do it. You say you have family in law... why not have them tell you about this, give you some statistics & then you decide if recovering money for a medical bill is sufficient payment for criminal abuse.

As for him outting you about kinky sex... fuck it, so what. Judges aren't stupid... they know the difference. If your lucky you just might get the right judge that has had his/her bum spanked before. Of course you can always completely deny it unless he has pictures of you.

The only problem here is time. You have already let so much time go by & a police photographer didn't photo document your injuries.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 12/4/2006 9:01:39 PM >

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MstrssPassion


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 9:50:24 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

He's called me, and I have accepted his "apology". But I think it's safe to say that our "friendship" is over. 



I would have indicated to him that I will accept his apology when the check he provides me for my medical care clears.

Then I would have the district attorney provide him with a "do not trespass" order.

If he called after that I would say "I will accept your apology as long as I never have to see you or deal with you on any level ever again."

Just me, etc.

sinergy

_____________________________

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David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/4/2006 10:28:21 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		You guys are all so sweet. I am so glad I came back to this site.
You convinced me. Tommorrow I will call my sister and take her to lunch and tell her everything (she won't tell my dad. If she ever tells my dad, this guy is a goner. Really). She will know how to proceed - she's a lawyer (a pretty jaded lawyer, but still a lawyer; family and realestate law, and bankruptcy law). Actually, I just had a good cry thinking about all this again, and it all came rushing back to me like a bad dream. My left eye still hurts, btw (but isn't bruised at all anymore, really). 

I don't want to mar this guy's life forever, I really don't. But, he does look like Mr. Normal (he is a financial analyst for a bank, and lives in a really nice house with a beautiful yard. Nobody would ever guess he did this, I bet). My house is nice, too, of course. I am truly not swayed into liking (or not) anyone over things like that.  I thought I knew him better. Here is the interesting part, though:

I am the coordinator of the Dining Club which meets once a month for a social organization (not bdsm related) to which we both belong. He is also a member of this group, and always shows up for these dining events. I wonder what will happen now at these events - if he will ever show up again, or even rejoin this year (dues are due in January)? Not that I care if I ever see him at these events again (I don't). I am not planning to tell anyone else what happened - ever, with him. These folks would have a hard time believing it anyway - they are all (I am pretty sure) really "vanilla". They are a nice bunch of people, too. They'd be horrified. Not because of any bdsm (well, yeah, maybe that a little bit, or a lot, maybe) - but mostly because of the physical, non-consensual violence. 

Not that I would ever mention the incident or the circumstances (these are really conservative people, for the most part). I've been the coordinator of this group for eleven years, and have no intention of giving it up, even if he chooses to show up again, though. He won't scare me. I doubt if he will attend, but he might.

- Susan     

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/4/2006 11:03:32 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 40
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