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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 7:08:43 AM

MstrssPassion

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Susan

In the case of abusers... they don't feel they have any reason to hide. In fact an abuser can duck into a closed room, smack you around a bit, tell you to fix yourself up & head right back into a crowded room, engage in cheerful dialog & never miss a beat. They don't feel shame or embarrassment about striking another human being. To them, it is a natural order of it all. It is enforcement of their power.

Prepare yourself now... you will see him again & most likely it will be frequently until you do something about it. He will continue to feed off of you because it is your yielding to his power that empowers him. You will have to be strong & unwavering. The best way to do so is never acknowledge him whatsoever, simply look through him as if he doesn't even exist on your plane of existence. In other words, never let him see you sweat.

It will be a very tough road, you'll have to reach down deep & find confidence you never knew you had before.

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 12:23:04 PM

popeye1250

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

Susan

In the case of abusers... they don't feel they have any reason to hide. In fact an abuser can duck into a closed room, smack you around a bit, tell you to fix yourself up & head right back into a crowded room, engage in cheerful dialog & never miss a beat. They don't feel shame or embarrassment about striking another human being. To them, it is a natural order of it all. It is enforcement of their power.

Prepare yourself now... you will see him again & most likely it will be frequently until you do something about it. He will continue to feed off of you because it is your yielding to his power that empowers him. You will have to be strong & unwavering. The best way to do so is never acknowledge him whatsoever, simply look through him as if he doesn't even exist on your plane of existence. In other words, never let him see you sweat.

It will be a very tough road, you'll have to reach down deep & find confidence you never knew you had before.

MstrssPassion, a 12 guage is a lot easier.
The psycho-babble people would call it; "A significant emotional experience."

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 12:40:45 PM

MstrssPassion

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huh, wha?

did you say something?

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 2:52:00 PM

SusanofO

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My sister and I went to lunch today, and she was really upset about the entire episode, and mad at me for not telling her sooner. She said if I don't prosecute, she'll tell my dad (and she knows I don't want that, so I am going ahead with it, and also it's "preventive" so this doesn't happen to someone else; she basically said what you did - that he will do this again, probably - just to someone else).

She said it's a problem that I have no police report (I never called the police) but that this is "doable".
There is also no "pattern of abuse" in our relationship - and I've only got one witness (but a good and very willing one - my vaniila friend who picked me up at his place the night he beat me). She let me know, however, that she's worked with clients in cases with less evidence - and won (she's good).

I've decided I have nothing left to lose (she was quite encouraging on a personal level). I know it wont' be easy the whole time, but as far as the dinner events go - if he brings this up (or anything about our "relationship"at a dinner, he's going to be sorry. I've decided I am beyond embarrassment as far as discussing it with the dinner group folks - If things ever comes to that, which they probably won't. So - unless he is in the same "boat" he'd better be ready to carry any threat of embarassing me through to the bitter end. My sister (and you folks) have been so encouraging.Thank you.

I am going to treat him like he isn't there, if he shows up. Our dinner group meets this Saturday night. I have no idea if he'll show, but he probably won't have notice yet then I am prosecuting him, so he might (and maybe even if he does).

I'll be "civil" if he addresses me personally - but there is going to be a definite icy veneer over that behavior and he's not going to be able to assume "everything's okay". If he get's pushy or rude, I am going to repeat my mantra ("I've got nothing to lose") in my head. I also have decided I really have fewer qualms than I did before about letting an ambiguous "detail" or two about our "relationship and it's end" slip into the convo, if necessary - so there's no mistake I really am perfectly willing to discuss it all in public - if he's going to be rude and nasty.

Because I simply just I don't care anymore. I'm mad. He's never really seen me Mad before - he's just seen the "poor little victim" person. Well, Hello! He's going to meet the _itch woman - if he insists, that is. I'd rather keep her in the closet, but if he insists, she can come out. I really, really appreciate the emotional support a whole, whole lot. It really helped me. I really needed to "vent". Thanks ya'll.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/5/2006 3:04:14 PM >

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:04:08 PM

crouchingtigress

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Susan first i want you to know you are really loved here....and i am really interested to hear what your sister says about all of this...so keep us posted ok?

And also i think you maybe in a little denial about what you experienced, and your tough-girl surviver self has kicked in to high gear and is just wanting to move beyond....this is totally normal...and yet it does not allow for and healing, processing or closure.

I want you hear the following things but to imagine they happened to me, your friend...not you ok?

quote:

When I got home he slapped me so hard I fell over.

quote:

He then chased me around the living room, threatening to beat me to a pulp, and into the kitchen

quote:

I was so scared I fell backward down his kitchen stairs into the basement.

quote:

He followed me down there and punched me in the eye, and slapped me again. Really hard.

quote:

Then he just left me there, stating: "Hope you learned what Not to do tonight."

quote:

I thought at least one of my ribs was broken

(

quote:

if I hadn't caught hold of the hand-rail on the staircase about half-way down, I am convinced I would have either a 1) Broken back or a 2) Bitten off tongue.

Again we love you and support you....this guy is ill....some switch in his brain made him lie in wait for you and bruttally attack you, instead of trying to calm himself down and talking things out.

This person will do this again....dont worry about ruining his life, he needs a wake up call....this is the sort of person that you hear all the time about, who kills his girlfriend or wife in an angry attack....he needs help...the police need to know about him....and you need an order of protection.

(((((hugsyou))))

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:11:26 PM

SusanofO

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Thanks,crouching tigress (amy) - you are so incredibly sweet. I know if someone did this to a friend of mine, I'd most likely be out on the streets with my vigilante gun, hunting him down (really). Intellectually, I do know I didn't "deserve it" , but I am kinda avoiding it emoitonally a bit. This (what you wrote) will help me to process how I feel more. I've had a cry in the shower (or two) about it, but then pull myself together because I've got "other things to do", etc. It helped a lot to get this out and I appreciated the ear. A lot.Thanks.

- Susan

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:12:43 PM

mistoferin

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Wow Susan, you sure do seem to have a way of attracting psychopathic or abusive men.

As for the poly thing, didn't the two of you communicate before you began making commitments to each other? I know that you talked alot about the topics of communication and poly before you left. How on earth could the two of you been so far apart in your understanding of what it meant to you as a couple?

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:15:31 PM

MstrssPassion

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I would be happy to discuss this with you on the other side.

I am willing to speak out about a lot of things but some details are just too personal to fling out to the masses....

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:16:00 PM

crouchingtigress

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that is great....i am so glad you are going through with it....you sound so strong...and empowered!

i am really worried about the dinner events....i would contact the leader and ask if he could be uninvited and i would get and order of protection because it will help your case and keep him away from all you events in future...

also have your friend that picked you up go with you and write out her own statement, and also get a copy of your doctor visit....both will help.

luv you

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 12/5/2006 3:18:06 PM >

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:23:53 PM

SusanofO

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Actually, I've had some very nice boyfriends in my life (at least three I can think of). I just married an idiot and this particular guy was an idiot. Since we had an entire year together in which he was anything but an idiot, I thought he was fine. I truly don't think I am naturally attracted to idiots (I really don't). The term "couple" was used pretty loosely. We were more _uck buddies than anything else. We did discuss the whole Poly thing - and it was more than clear (to me and should have been to him, of he recells the conversation) that we were Both going to be Poly - not just him. His memory is faulty (or his ego. Or both).
-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/5/2006 3:24:47 PM >

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:25:48 PM

SusanofO

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Thanks, Mistress Passion. I appreciate that.

-Susan

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 3:25:52 PM

KatyLied

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I have to ask, when you use the term "poly", were you aiming toward a poly household? Or a relationship where you weren't monogamous? There is a difference. And wasn't there some guy who was stalking you?

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RE: How Do You Change Your Avatar? - 12/5/2006 4:14:21 PM

SusanofO

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1) A relationship where neither of us was monogamous.

2) Yes there was - but he wasn't there.

- Susan

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