Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Multidimensional BDSM relationships


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Multidimensional BDSM relationships Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 3:09:44 PM   
YaelOTRL


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/9/2005
Status: offline 		I am a mostly dominant switch 90/10 who has been involved with BDSM for 20 years now. About 4-5 yearsI came out to the public scene and online BDSM universe in order to up my chances at finding partners. What I have been finding is people who exclusively relate to me via fetish basis. This is unacceptable to me. Is there anyone else out there who enjoys relating to their play partners as humans first; and if so....how do you go about finding that  
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 3:17:25 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		You've been involved in BDSM since your were 12 ??? And online BDSM for 4 or 5 years....and you are just now finding out that online BDSM is primarily about the kinks and fetishes?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to YaelOTRL)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 3:23:49 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL

I am a mostly dominant switch 90/10 who has been involved with BDSM for 20 years now. About 4-5 yearsI came out to the public scene and online BDSM universe in order to up my chances at finding partners. What I have been finding is people who exclusively relate to me via fetish basis. This is unacceptable to me. Is there anyone else out there who enjoys relating to their play partners as humans first; and if so....how do you go about finding that  


I do.

(in reply to YaelOTRL)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 3:33:42 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Take your time and actually talk to people for more then a couple days. Best way is in person. If you meet originally online that's great but  try and meet face to face as soon as possible.

Online you are going to find HNG's and wankers, hidden amonst those you will find the really great people that are looking for the same thing. It takes time and patience and a lot of weeding through the "others"

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 3:38:21 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		It may appear that it is kink/fetish oriented but that may just be becuase at times there can be soo many people vying for a dominants attention that excluding them due to incompatible kinks can end up as a survival tool. Don't let that scare you off or think that they are shallow. I have met my current and previous sub online and they were both fantastic women who I wouldn't have been able to find any other way.

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 3:42:05 PM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I do but believe me sometimes it can be hard to get people to talk about the human side of themselves....lol

(in reply to shadevarr)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 4:01:45 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Your profile says some nice things about what you like as a person. However, it doesn't say anything about what you have to offer OR the kind of relationships that you're looking for. If you want more that a sexual kinky boyfriend (which is how I read the add), be specific; subtleties simply do not work on most men.. Be sure to specifically say what KIND of relationship you want...long term, marriage, play partner only, etc.

Master Fire




_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to YaelOTRL)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 4:06:39 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL

I am a mostly dominant switch 90/10 who has been involved with BDSM for 20 years now. About 4-5 yearsI came out to the public scene and online BDSM universe in order to up my chances at finding partners. What I have been finding is people who exclusively relate to me via fetish basis. This is unacceptable to me. Is there anyone else out there who enjoys relating to their play partners as humans first; and if so....how do you go about finding that  


I do.



Christ popeye, why didn't you tell me you were getting married,  I wanted to be best man............

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 4:31:48 PM   
catfood


Posts: 52
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: new jersey
Status: offline 		hate to rain on your parade, but it is often the case that you have to sort through (many!) potential partners, trying to find that common ground and the "one" who will meet your expectations.  i have unrealistically high expectations, so it is problematic.  this issue has plagued me for years.  often i have found those that i can really get into the bdsm aspects of a relationship with are not ultimately people i can relate to on a broader basis.  sucks, but it is the truth. 

keep in mind the advice above, that you need to be very specific about who/what you are looking for.  if you want common ground outside bdsm (assuming you are not a lifestyler), pay more attention to the plethora of non-bdsm interests "tick-boxes" in profiles.  the site is biased already (not that that is a bad thing, mind you) toward the kinky folk, so you have a set of folk who you know are going to share your bdsm interests to a greater or lesser degree.  you need to sift the proverbial trail mix to weed out the nuts and catch the fruits.  christ, my analogies need an overhauling.

be well.  good luck.  keep talking.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 4:44:43 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I met Sir here although we would have met at the local club anyway.  However He has always treated me as a woman first and a sub second.  He values my brain just as He does my body.  He challenges me to be the best person i can be as well.  So yes i believe their are some wonderful folks here.  I also know there are some that are considerably less desirable as well.  But then that is life.  Take your time and enjoy the search.  If you treat everyone with respect as humans most will return the treatment.


_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to catfood)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 4:47:58 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Nope, I'm afraid your doomed in your lofty goals.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 4:57:05 PM   
MercilessMarcy


Posts: 80
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		Use your journal entries to attract the kind of person you want.  Be specific about the day to day things you enjoy and want to share with someone else.  Journal entries allow someone else to see how you think and what you're thinking of.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 5:29:01 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		I'm with erin on this one too.  Since you were 12?!.....doesn't seem all that likely to me.  And personally, not something -I- would be proud of stating.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to MercilessMarcy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 6:35:01 PM   
Aardvark69


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/5/2006
Status: offline 		I can only add to some the existing comments. 

These sorts of sites naturally attract those with a fetish focus - which I assume is helpful, at least in so far as this is one of your requirements.  So there is probably some value in using such a site - I for one am sick of the reverse problem - namely otherwise attractive/compatible women without the sensually dominant streak that I also desire.

As the fetish interest is therefore something of a given (and you can always focus on the D/s details later), I would aim your profile at other the other things.  Your profile does this well in part e.g. the interest in music.  Some of your posts also reveal parts of your character.

However you may want to think about the follwoing (especially numbers 1 & 4):  
  1. Expanding on your other (non D/s) interests.  You must have more of them, and there are lots of "interest" options here on other things.  They may attract men with similar interests, and if nothing else give a man an easy non D/s topic/lead to contact you on.  Remember we follow the easy path.....
  2. What sort of relationship(s) you are looking for.  Is pure friendship an option?  This also starts to move the balance of the profile away from pure D/s.
  3. Do you expect 24/7 or lifesyle control?  Yes I know this is D/s, but you may deter some of the trolls.  If so be clear about some of the practicalities of this. 
  4. Think about changing your main photo to a pure face shot.  Yes the existing one is stunning, but it is also quite "physical" and will attract a lot of the people that you may not want.
  5. Posting more in the forums.  It makes you more visible to (and possibly attractive to) the sort of men that you may want.  b.com used to be good for this.

That said, you are still going to get a lot of chaff with the wheat.  Men are generally more orientated to "activitities" over relationships, and the web both selects for people with poor social skills, and lowers normal inhibitions to otherwise crude approaches (the downside of failure is much lower....).

So ultimately, even if you can improve the ratios, most of your e-mails will still be poor quality. Only you can decide if it is worth it.

I hope things go well.

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 8:00:02 PM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

site is biased already (not that that is a bad thing, mind you) toward the kinky folk,

DAYUM!!
 
It is?
 
DAYUM!!!
 
I am in the wrong flipping place then.
 


_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to catfood)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 8:40:45 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I get to know the person as a person first.  I don't get into relationships with strangers.
When you are in the Dominant role, you should be controlling the pace of the relationship.
Make your rules, take a stand, and don't let a submissive control the pace of the relationship.
I want to go out on "vanilla" type dates FIRST until I feel comfortable going any further.
If the "submissive" is not willing to take the time to get to know you, is this someone you want to
become involved with?
Good luck!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to YaelOTRL)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 9:11:40 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You're meeting people on a sex site and to your horror, they want to talk about sex. If you were expecting to talk about your golf game, you should have joined a golf group.

To some people kink is as important as all the other factors and they've had so much trouble finding someone with compatible kinks that they don't want to waste time with you if you aren't compatible in this area. Don't go into detail if you're uncomfortable. Just the overview and then tell them that you now need to know if you're compatible in other areas as well.

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 9:15:32 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

You're meeting people on a sex site and to your horror, they want to talk about sex. If you were expecting to talk about your golf game, you should have joined a golf group.
To some people kink is as important as all the other factors and they've had so much trouble finding someone with compatible kinks that they don't want to waste time with you if you aren't compatible in this area. Don't go into detail if you're uncomfortable. Just the overview and then tell them that you now need to know if you're compatible in other areas as well.


Oh my! Is this a sex site? I thought it was for people into BDSM, I have been here 2 years not realizing that!
Thanks!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/5/2006 9:40:00 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YaelOTRL

I am a mostly dominant switch 90/10 who has been involved with BDSM for 20 years now. About 4-5 yearsI came out to the public scene and online BDSM universe in order to up my chances at finding partners. What I have been finding is people who exclusively relate to me via fetish basis. This is unacceptable to me. Is there anyone else out there who enjoys relating to their play partners as humans first; and if so....how do you go about finding that  


Actually, Yaelotrl, you should count your blessings that you are able to weed out those who are not compatible with you so quickly and easily and concentrate on those who have the same goal/mindset as yourself.

As far as finding those folks, time and patience are factors and luck is very underrated.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to YaelOTRL)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Multidimensional BDSM relationships - 12/6/2006 4:29:11 AM   
YaelOTRL


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aine

I'm with erin on this one too.  Since you were 12?!.....doesn't seem all that likely to me.  And personally, not something -I- would be proud of stating.


WOW!!!! somewhat judgemental arent we? Never had a vanilla relationship probably never will. This is my orientation and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Im out to friends and family, most of my co-workers know and I got my first set of metal handcuffs at age 11 was using them by 12. The people here that seperate out their lives because they intrinsically believe that they are involved in deviant acts are the ones that I am trying to avoid....and If you feel that you are a part of something that is too deviant to have explored the parameters of through your sexual play in adolescence as part of your own growth process....then that is not something -I- would be proud of stating

(in reply to Aine)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Multidimensional BDSM relationships Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125