RE: Controlling Yourself

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Controlling Yourself

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Controlling Yourself

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 11:32:00 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I think it likely is a double-edged sword, yes......or it can be, depending on your personality.

I was trying to think of what self-control actually IS in an *overall* sense. We may have it in certain areas of our lives but not others. We might find that it fluctuates even in areas that we have it, depending on circumstances.

I was independant and self-sufficient before I was owned, but I wasn't in control of lots of things.

People choose to be in relationships of all types for an a huge range of reasons. How willing they are to stick with the relationship also involves a huge range of reasons.

agirl

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 41

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 11:33:42 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

You cant give away something you dont have. If you have no controll over yourself then you cant give it to a Master... though that begs the question even if you cant give it cant the Master take it??

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to MasterNdorei)

Post #: 42

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 12:03:27 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

You most certainly can. Lack of control rarely covers every aspect of a person's life. Controlling me and my life didn't really require me to have anything other than an agreement to accept that he had the authority to pick up the reins.

agirl

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 43

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 12:09:25 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

You most certainly can. Lack of control rarely covers every aspect of a person's life. Controlling me and my life didn't really require me to have anything other than an agreement to accept that he had the authority to pick up the reins.

agirl

Yeah that makes sence and i guess thats why I can see it both ways.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 44

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 1:37:50 PM

alandraofMists

Posts: 187
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What do others think of this? Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

Knight's kyra

In my opinion both need to be in control of themselves in a mature and healthy manner. With that being said though there is also the need for there to be an acceptance form both the Dominant and the submissive that mistakes will be made, and there maybe the occasional loss of control.

no matter how in control a person can be, there can be something or sometime that life just brings out the worst in us. With any loss of control i would look deeper into what was happening in and during that time to see if there were other factors involved.

Outside influences to ones state of control does not take away the responsibility for the loss of control, but does bring a clearer picture to what and why such a loss happened in the first place.

Knight's alandra

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 45

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:11:31 PM

LordODiscipline

Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

I agree to a great extent that people "should be in control of themself" (as far as I determine that to be)
- and-
I believe that both partners share responsibility for a relationship no matter the dynamics.

However, the entire premise of "being on control of oneself" is one of those things which is exceptionally subjective and can be talked to death by everyone concerned without benefit of an understanding about what "control of oneself" means to the majority.

And, invariably - someone makes a statement that is totally unreasonable stating that they should never be emotional (or, something akin to that).

I just see no point in making such a speciously poor statement at all, let alone trying to ascribe such things to both parties.

I have related the story in the past about the submissive who left her dominant when he could not shake a depression that was a result of his mother passing for a period of time - and, how she stated that he had 'no control over himself' - hence her descision.

Another innocent victim of 'Castlerealmania'

~J

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else." I agree with it to a point. However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant. If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

What do others think of this? Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 46

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:11:30 PM

RopesBurn4u

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline

It is a mutual sharing. You do need a submissive to be in control of some part of herself. By her knowing exactly what she is looking for and what draws her to become a submissive is a good indication that she is in control of herself. The inability to think in a rational way and be able to answers deep questions about herself, reveals weakness and an unstable behavior, something that is not good at all

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 47

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 7:07:22 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I
quote:

have related the story in the past about the submissive who left her dominant when he could not shake a depression that was a result of his mother passing for a period of time - and, how she stated that he had 'no control over himself' - hence her descision.

Another innocent victim of 'Castlerealmania'

I have to say as someone that admires self control and discipline in my Dom, and find this aspect essential for our power exchange, I believe it was a cop out on the part of this submissive to leave her dominant when he needed her because of "castle realm" (which not having read that site in several years I am unfamiliar with this concept being on that site). If one models their relationship based on an internet website to that extent they definitely lacked control over themselves, and were being controlled by castlerealm, they were not even being controlled by their dominant.

I would not leave my dominant for such a flimsy reason, and it says a lot about the commitment of the submissive, and nothing about the concept of control being a positive attribute of a power exchange dynamic. She would probably have left if he showed any humanity at all, whether it be an illness or job loss, or whatever.

Just my opinion

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LordODiscipline)

Post #: 48

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 7:29:45 PM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

You cant give away something you dont have. If you have no controll over yourself then you cant give it to a Master... though that begs the question even if you cant give it cant the Master take it??

Magik's slave

Yes. My owner -took- control over my life. I didn't give him control. I didn't have control over my life. If I could manage myself effectively I would have no need to be owned. He contains me, provides me with direction/boundaries, defines the rules of engagement. I have self-control now..because I operate within clearly defined and enforced rules. I live within extremely tight boundaries.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 49

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 8:01:29 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

You cant give away something you dont have. If you have no controll over yourself then you cant give it to a Master... though that begs the question even if you cant give it cant the Master take it??

Magik's slave

Yes. My owner -took- control over my life. I didn't give him control. I didn't have control over my life. If I could manage myself effectively I would have no need to be owned. He contains me, provides me with direction/boundaries, defines the rules of engagement. I have self-control now..because I operate within clearly defined and enforced rules. I live within extremely tight boundaries.

Well said, Chewsie.

I've seen plenty of sloppy drunks "give" control they utterly lacked to bouncers or cops. I'm sure a few ended up "giving" the control they lacked to jailers.

If you look at it another way, MagiksSlave, the control that an individual has reliquished is just laying there for anyone to pick up and take--unless the out-of-control person in question reasserts him or herself.

So whether you look at it practically or theoretically, either way I don't see much value in that little Rule of Life you stated.

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

Post #: 50

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 8:26:19 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

If you look at it another way, MagiksSlave, the control that an individual has reliquished is just laying there for anyone to pick up and take--unless the out-of-control person in question reasserts him or herself.

That little bit right there just put several pieces in place for me. Thanks, Noah.

The downside that I see to this, is that "anyone" could turn out to be very unhealthy for the individual who is out of control. Of course they could also be very healthy as well.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 51

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 8:51:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Hehe, on the other hand, a lot of subs/slaves are control FREAKS due to a SENSE of lacking control, and need to learn how to LIMIT their need for control and just CHILL.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 52

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 8:59:55 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Hehe, on the other hand, a lot of subs/slaves are control FREAKS due to a SENSE of lacking control, and need to learn how to LIMIT their need for control and just CHILL.

Hey!! I resemble that remark. *w*

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 53

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 9:51:35 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

The downside that I see to this, is that "anyone" could turn out to be very unhealthy for the individual who is out of control. Of course they could also be very healthy as well.

You are very right, kyra. That was me a long time ago, in the hands of the wrong person. Fortunately I got out before more damage was done. I got lucky the day my Master introduced himself. It was a chance meeting and an instant connection, and he is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

I also have to agree with everything chewsie said. The only reason I am as healthy and self-controlled as I am now is because of the tight rules my Master has placed on me. If he had not come along I would probably be dead by now.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 54

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/10/2006 6:11:38 AM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else." I agree with it to a point. However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant. If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

Knight's kyra

Exactly right.. The submissive must have something there in order for the Dominant to recieve. Mutually inter-dependent.

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 55

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/10/2006 7:36:25 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

If you look at it another way, MagiksSlave, the control that an individual has reliquished is just laying there for anyone to pick up and take--unless the out-of-control person in question reasserts him or herself.

That little bit right there just put several pieces in place for me. Thanks, Noah.

The downside that I see to this, is that "anyone" could turn out to be very unhealthy for the individual who is out of control. Of course they could also be very healthy as well.

Well that's right too, I think.

As for the notion that someone who lacks all self-control cannot relinquish control to another, I think there are other problems with a sentiment stated so broadly.

Clearly, no-one lacks all self control. Even the incontinent can pin on their own diapers, or ask someone else to. So why can't we see that this applies just as well to financial incontinence, say, or emotional incontinence?

Anyone who accepts the control of another person in in fact controlling herself in accord with that person's wishes, isn't she? Unless he is grasping her appendages and physically guiding her every action, pouring her thoughts into her head, etc. Which of course cannot happen.

Every act of acquiescence--beyond submitting to sheer overpowering physical control--is indeed also an act of self control. The claims people make about how an out-of-control person can't relinquish control just fail to acknowledge a lot of what goes on within and between people, things which aren't simple, nor are they black and white.

"Control" isn't a word which applies to just one sort of thing, in one sort of way.

A certain kind of person tries to paint the world in black and white and then declare the painting reality. Whether this arises from an inability to deal with ambiguousness, vagueness, and complexities -- or whether it arise from a fear of them, either way it blocks the view of life's gray areas and--to milk the metaphor dry--it makes the colors in life very hard to appreciate.

Oversimplifying things and needlessly complicating things are the ravines sitting on either either side of this road we're all walking along. The less we slip into them the further we can go and the better the view along the way.

Sometimes, in response to a certain kind of threat, it might be adaptive to oversimplify or overcomplicate a thing--to slide temporarily into one of those ravines. It might preserve us from a threat we can't handle in a more elegant way at the moment or it might allow us to scramble around some impediment in the road. But by and large I think it tends to be the best policy to acknowledge a thing just as it is, with whatever degree of complexity, vagueness or ambiguity it might happen to have.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 56

RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/10/2006 7:46:43 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I think it's okay to want to give someone else "control". Isn't that why we submissives and slaves are here? I mean, I can "run my own life" (I did it via default, for years, and, barring surprising circumstances, think I did a fairly good job of it). I am confident I can "handle it".

But - I don't want to - I want the thrilling feeling of knowing I am "turning (parts of it, or all of it) over" to someone else. I like getting advice, and "routines", and know there are other people out there "smarter" than I am (or at least appreciative another perpective). I do agree with the above statment, btw.

But I am not sure why this "out of control" idea is even a question-problem. Even, if you think you're really "screwed up", I can almost guarantee there is someone out there, somewhere, willing to try to "take on the job," so to speak. I think maybe remaining open to learning new things might be crucial, though, if that's the case. To each their own.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/10/2006 7:53:41 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 57

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Controlling Yourself

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078