quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

I'm a dominant sadist.  I find it's important for my enjoyment if I engage in play with compatible individuals, namely masochistic submissives.  It does nothing for me to dish out pain to someone who gets no enjoyment from it.  (If that were the case, I'd abandon my interest in BDSM and my job at a non-profit for a lucrative career as a dentist.)  Sure, there are times that I might do something that the slave doesn't exactly enjoy, but the bottom line is that my sadism feeds off of someone who enjoys and can process the pain as pleasure and enjoyment.

In the same vein, in searching for a long term sub male partner, I read carefully an individual's profile and I understand what things they hold as important to them.  I would choose not to pursue someone if their interests were misaligned with my own.  Several examples I can think of would include someone who has a latex fetish (I'm allergic), someone who was into diapers (not my kink) or scat (assessed by me to be a health risk.)  I respect other people's rights to be into their fetishes or kinks and would not want for them to sacrifice their clearly important interest because it's something I'm unwilling to provide for them. 

I've just had a long conversation that's led me to believe that I am very alone in this line of thinking.  I've seen repeated behaviors from other women that have affirmed my thinking, however, this really has me questioning!

Is this such a difficult concept for others to grasp -- respecting someone's desires, and further, wanting someone to have parallel interests to maintain a long term relationship with? And where do you stand?  How do you approach other's kinks, interests and identity?  Do you make practice of pursuing others who have kinks you've got no interest in or no intention to engage in?  And why?

quote:

ORIGINAL: fergus

I think it has a lot to do with the long and arduous task of assessing compromise.

Naturally, I agree that I also would want someone compatible and someone whom I should like to see as a person (not a list of kinks and interests) - and that they would offer me the same respect and mutual dignity!

However, I can see that this makes the task of finding the right person long and oftentimes frustrating.  Along the way there are some things I am willing to sacrifice to at least FIND OUT about other people to see if they are more compatable than a few sentences on a profile might relate.

I believe it is all a matter of perception.  Anyway, taking the extra step in talking with people who many one have a 'few' commonalities means that I have learned quite a lot.

fergus

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I think it reflects what is really important to us.

While I am a sadist and I do indeed enjoy a masochist I don't need a masochist because the Ds is what is really the most important thing for me. A good slave will suffer (as Fox does) when I am in a sadistic mood and I do enjoy it though not as I would with a masochist.

The world's biggest and most expressive masochist who could not be submissive or be a slave (I think they are different) is of very little interest to me. I might play for an hour at a party but I'd never build any relationship beyond friends with a simple masochist.

I have noted in myself though that I require much more with a masochist in terms of pain play than I do with my slave who is not a masochist. I think his sincere service via suffering gives me an extra buzz that I can't get from a masochist.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morrigel

I wish I could just pick people purely for their kinks, but unfortunately I have never found kinks to be a reliable indicator of whose company I will enjoy.  I find I'm much better off finding a few fun games to play with a person I genuinely like and who genuinely likes me, rather than having a whole laundry list of possible sex acts available with a person who doesn't move me in a personal way.  Pure kink without personal connection is something I reserve for public play.

--M

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ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
My first time beginning this answer, I was like, "Why would I pursue someone who didn't match my kinks?" But, the more I wrote, the more things expanded in my head. The final answer ended up being: I wouldn't actively pursue someone who didn't match my kinks. However, I'm also open to whatever the Universe deems proper...so I'm open to having someone in the household who's only connections with me are service and spirituality. So, while I personally wouldn't choose to pursue someone who didn't match my kinks...but sometimes, the choice is made for me by a higher power.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

MisPandora,
To me, life is a series of compromises.  Most subs would gladly be willing to give up one or two of their "kinks" or desires in order to be with a Domme that overal satisfied their needs.  I'd hope that a Domme would feel the same if she met a sub who met her basic requirements.  Perhaps if you made a list of your minimum requirements vs your ideal requirements, you'd find someone in-between without feeling as though you'd "settled".  Instead, you might find that the sub you chose might introduce you to new or different aspects of servitude to which you were not accustomed that you found you liked and appreciated because they were given to you by him as a gift from the heart.  Similarly, there may be things he'd be willing to have you push his limits in order to try and please you and learn to enjoy, just because it was you.  What more of a show of devotion could you really ask for?  Your minimum requirements would be met and your sub would be trying to expand his limits and learn to go beyond them just for you. 

In Summary, looking at a profile as non-negotiable or as cast in stone, is in my opinion a mistake.  Find a sub with the right attitude, one who in time might develop into exactly what you'd like.  If not, you'd at least have someone whom you like and with whom you'd have many other things to share beyond your D/s interests.  I'd hope you wouldn't pass someone by who was "close" by not exactly to your requirements without first discussing how firmly they were attached to some of their desires.  You might in fact find that some are things they've tried, others are things they have an interest in, but no real experience to say if they're really all that important.  So why make a big deal of a "list" until you've gotten to know him and discussed them a bit more as they seem really quite open to interpreation to me and may have different meaning to you than someone else like me?  

Gosh my $.02's are adding up today!

- pixel

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ORIGINAL: FLsubmalecd
For just a play partner, The OPS question would be perhaps answered  differently.

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ORIGINAL: MisPandora

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ORIGINAL: FLsubmalecd
For just a play partner, The OPS question would be perhaps answered  differently.

That's why I was explicit in my post that I was speaking of the search for a partner in a long term relationship, not just for play.

Perhaps my error in my post is that I used the comparison to that random list of "must-haves" that wouldn't be ok for me, and that's what's causing this push towards recommending "compromise."

Let me ask you this -- It seems to me that you identify pretty strongly with being a CD.  How would you take a dominant pursuing you to tell you that she'd never entertain your feminine being ever again, and that in order to do so, you'd have to seek someone else outside of this meaningful relationship that you're supposedly starting?  Would that not leave you disappointed or disconnected?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morrigel

I wish I could just pick people purely for their kinks, but unfortunately I have never found kinks to be a reliable indicator of whose company I will enjoy. I find I'm much better off finding a few fun games to play with a person I genuinely like and who genuinely likes me, rather than having a whole laundry list of possible sex acts available with a person who doesn't move me in a personal way. Pure kink without personal connection is something I reserve for public play.

--M

You missed my point. I'm not talking about people with grocery lists. I'm speaking of one valuable part of my identity being disregarded by others because they are a seeker and I should be willing to sacrifice what I desire because they don't get it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

You missed my point.  I'm not talking about people with grocery lists.  I'm speaking of one valuable part of my identity being disregarded by others because they are a seeker and I should be willing to sacrifice what I desire because they don't get it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

My personal guidelines on this issue is as followings:

I'm the dominant so my must haves will happen.
I'm the dominant so my want to haves will happen from time to time.
I will give my submissive his must haves.
I will give my submissives his want to haves from time to time.
I will never do things that are on my hard limits list.
I will use things on my neutral list as rewards.

I would expect a potential sub/slave to have a similar set of guidelines though, let's be honest, the authority/power dynamic is such that he will be far more likely to do things on his neutral or soft limit list than I will. Otherwise is it really a hierarchical relationship?