SusanofO
Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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OMG I am not sure what I'd do if I had actually decided to leave. I am not sure I'd even want to leave over something like that (she didn't know what cross-dressing was, but was ultra-familiar w/bdsm? Really?) But that's not your question...
It's hard for me to leave people, once I've made a committment to them in my heart. I don't see myself immediately seeking someone new. It took me three times to leave an ex-boyfriend I knew was terrible for me in many ways, one time. I kept moving out of his house, then moving back in. We'd have a fight (and I very rarely fight w/men, it's just not my "M.O.", I tend to cry a lot, get depressed, and just clam up. But, things were pretty weird at that point, in this relationship). Then he'd call me and we'd go out, and pretty soon I'd move back in, etc. The third time, was a "charm" though, and I left for good.
On the other hand, the person I just broke up with I know I will never see again (but that situation involved physical abuse - non consensual, which had never happened to me before, and really threw me for a loop, so to speak). In that situation, it is different for me because 1) I am going to court and prosecuting him. There is no chance that a "friendship" will even be repaired in this case. 2) He claims he hates me now (I can deal w/that, I suppose). I myself honestly don't hate anyone, but my heart isn't exactly growing fonder of him by the day.
I am not pining for him. I do think about some of the "good times" we had, occasionally, but that's about it. I don't want to go and re-connect w/him, or anything like that. I really don't. So, I feel more ready in this case, to "move on".
It's like I think of the whole thing as a bad dream, or a mistaken interlude that was just never meant to be (or t least, I am trying to do that). So, it doesn't "count", really, or something. Which kind of upsets me, because it was my first (and only) D/s relationship. I've had a few "encounters" (two) besides that, but he's mostly "it" for me, really, in the D/s world.
I don't, in general, think a woman "needs" to find someone new immediately. I myself tend to want to heal a slight bit at least, from a bad situation.
On the other hand I did cheat once. And in no small way, either. It was not a "fling", it was a full-blown, long-term affair. I cheated on my husband when he was alive. But - that was after ten years of no sex or affection whatsoever in our marriage, and I am hard pressed still to feel very guilty over that. I tried to "make it work", for what seemed like forever (ten years). I became suicidally depressed, and convinced I was a terrible person or this would never have happened to me, and thought it was my fault for years. And then one day, something in me just snapped and I just said to myself: "That's BS. You deserve better. You deserve some happiness". I don't want to debate whether that was right or wrong here. I admit it was wrong, but I also think they were pretty weird circumstances (at least I think so), and I was on the verge of leaving him, when he got sick. I really was. But I had an affair first for over a year.
But it really wasn't because I didn't think I could not survive without a man in my life - it was because I was desperately lonely at that point. I've broken up with people and been alone before. Sometimes it's better, for awhile. Sometimes it's not. I know this isn't a very clear answer, but I do really think it all depends on the particular circumstances.
I doubt if cheating is a great option, though, as a general rule. It's not a "nice" thing to do to someone else, no matter what they are doing (or have done) to you. It's always easier to judge someone else if you've not walked in their shoes, though.
Yes, it's wrong. I do understand it sometimes, though. I can see why it happens, sometimes.
So, I've been on "both sides of the fence". But I think the smarter option is to just leave and take some time to heal. Doesn't mean that's what people always end up actually doing, though, and I can understand it when they don't, I think.
It's not a good option to cheat. I'd not do it again. I really wouldn't. I don't do it as a general rule, it's not a "habit" of mine. I dont need a man in my life all the time. I've gone years (literally) without having a man in my life before. There have also been years I've not been without someone, too. I'm not the kind of woman who needs someone always, but I have had terribly lonely periods in my life, too. I think I can understand the heartache part, if she is going through any of that now.
If she's used to always having a man in her life all the time, she has probably convinced herself that's what she "needs". She probably doesn't, actually, but maybe she sort of does. I'd bet she'd be hard to convince she doesn't. Maybe she's always been around family members who also operate that way, or something. The women in my family are fairly independent. My mother was, for instance, and encouraged my sisters and I to be the same. But some people just aren't wired that way, I don't think. I'd rather have someone than not have someone in my life, I think though.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/19/2006 11:38:31 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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RE: Uh Oh!...What would you do? - 
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