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D/s outside the bedroom - 12/19/2006 11:37:06 PM

akbarbarian

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Joined: 12/19/2006
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How many people have successfully had this for over a year? It has been a problem in the past in relationships I've had, where I want I want that same unilateral control in all parts of our life. It's met with varying degrees of success, and some people seem to rail against being told what to do outside the bedroom while loving it inside (or wherever the sexual situation occurs). Do some people want this, and when they actually have it, can they handle it happily ready for more? I know there are profiles that say people want this uber relationship, or have had one, but I wonder how much is truth and how much is epeen (funny to think of a submissive female wanting an electronic penis but there you go). So do tell, does it work, and what are the common pitfalls for both parties in making it happen? If it doesn't work, I'm going to pull the earth over myself now because I wasn't made for this earth. So I'm hoping for helpful yes and how-to!

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Post #: 1

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/19/2006 11:49:50 PM

akbarbarian

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Vanilla? That's insulting.

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

(in reply to akbarbarian)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/19/2006 11:56:02 PM

Siona

Posts: 242
Joined: 10/5/2006
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The vanilla will change after you have so many postings.

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Post #: 3

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/19/2006 11:57:37 PM

akbarbarian

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I guessed so, but I was taken aback when I saw the cone and the title.

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 12:14:49 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
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I have way more D/s outside of the bedroom than in,only because bishop has a demading job and isnt home much at times.
Most of My BDSM likes involve pain,cb&t torture doesnt say sex act to Me it says torture.

I have 3 that have been coming for over 1 year,1 thats going on either 2 or 3 years.
Some are from the Professional side and a couple are what I call My private pets.

When I visit a vanilla friend who smokes, I have asthma and I now have him and his friends trained to smoke outside.I have known him for over 2 years,but he doesnt count I guess....LOL

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to akbarbarian)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 12:23:01 AM

akbarbarian

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Joined: 12/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66

I have way more D/s outside of the bedroom than in,only because bishop has a demading job

What sort of D/s? I had situations, such as if (we'll call her Sally) Sally was contrary with me when we were visiting with a friend, later she'd get paddled. In other situations, I knew her size and shape well enough to buy her clothes when she wasn't around and had full approve/veto rights on what she was and wasn't to wear. Essentially, a similar level of control a parent has over their child.

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 12:52:55 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66

I have way more D/s outside of the bedroom than in,only because bishop has a demading job

What sort of D/s? I had situations, such as if (we'll call her Sally) Sally was contrary with me when we were visiting with a friend, later she'd get paddled. In other situations, I knew her size and shape well enough to buy her clothes when she wasn't around and had full approve/veto rights on what she was and wasn't to wear. Essentially, a similar level of control a parent has over their child.

Well there is the shopping(they carry the lingerie),or having them work in the yard nude.I have a no strings attached house keeper.I do some role play in the dungeon or I just inflict pain.I do some doggy play or kitty play have done a lil bit of pony play,none of that is a sexual bedroom type of activity(to Myself anyway).
I find it far more enjoyable without a sexual aspect added to it.My kitten is collared he has to call daily and visit every weekend to do chores and have a tie up spanking session...again not a sexual thing for Me...Not to say that I dont enjoy it cuz I love the they way they wiggle and flinch.

The only time the bedroom is involved is with bishop and
My most worthy male submissives sometimes get to touch Me.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to akbarbarian)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 1:18:08 AM

akbarbarian

Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66
I find it far more enjoyable without a sexual aspect added to it.My kitten is collared he has to call daily and visit every weekend to do chores and have a tie up spanking session...again not a sexual thing for Me

Facinating, so in a sense your having male subs gives an insight I haven't had since submission and sex sometimes need to be seperated for males for various reasons that relate to the male biology.

How much autonomy do your submissives have, and how do you take away someone's choices without their becoming unhappy or is that a like it or they don't kind of thing? Do they pick what they eat, what they wear, who they see, what they watch, how they talk and not just on an intermittant basis but most or all of the time?

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 2:35:52 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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Master and I have a Master/slave relationship in and out of the bedroom. We have known each other for 3 and a half years, been married for nearly 2.

The bedroom stuff is the bdsm part to us I guess, however not solely as aspects of bdsm are threaded through our interactions on a relationship level as well.

The Master/slave dynamic however, is what our relationship is based on and plays out on a day to day basis and is different from "play" (Its there all the time, even when the play is not).

What this basically means is, Master is in charge, I'm not - and thats how we like it. I guess if it wasn't for the kinky stuff we do, we could very simply been seen as a dominant man and submissive woman living harmoniously together.

I don't see any pitfalls for living this way, its a complete way of living for me and is wonderful and amazing - so I'm an advocate for "yes it works".

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/20/2006 2:39:43 AM >

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

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Post #: 9

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 3:00:03 AM

MaamJay

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Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Master and i also have a 24/7 D/s relationship which operates in and out of the bedroom. He has the ultimate say on anything on which He WANTS to have the ultimate say! In other words, He's not fond of micromanaging, so isn't interested in telling me what to wear every day (though He tells me what NOT to wear, no panties!), and He'd rather i come up with some potential meal ideas for Him to approve/change rather than thinking of it Himself. Unless there is a very good reason to do so, i don't commit to attending any optional event (non-work related) without checking with Him first ... eg if i get invited to something like a vanilla girl's night out, i say "i'd like to come but i need to make sure there's no other commitment first" ... which is my way of covering the delay with vanillas. With bdsm people i just say straight out "i'll be there if Master permits".
W/we will be moving soon to Qld (watch out Qld for the invasion of the purple-haired O/ones!), and while it will be my money that purchases the house, Master will have the ultimate say in which one W/we purchase. That's fine by me as W/we've discussed O/our individual and mutual requirements at length and are very united in what W/we are seeking. And i will be relieved to hand over the financial control totally to Him (not previously possible due to another relationship in which I was involved) as He is a great financial manager! i have submitted to Him in terms of the sorts of jobs i should apply for, and any other life decisions. He is Master in all to me and i adore Him for His wisdom and great love in which He exercises His power to control. W/we have been together full time now for 2.5 years and are just getting closer and closer. Once clear of a difficult situation that has existed here, W/we are so looking forward to O/our life together there.
So yes, it can and does work ... but must be negotiated very carefully from the outset. The key is to find 2 people who are compatible on many levels and who have the same goals and desires from the relationship. i am so blessed to have found Master ... but then, He says the same about me!
Good luck all, i am likely to be real quiet over the next couple of months while moving, have a wonderful festive season!

violet[A] aka Maam Jay (who will continue Her search for a suitable male sub/slave once She gets settled into Her new abode!)

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 3:04:09 AM

akbarbarian

Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Master and I have a Master/slave relationship in and out of the bedroom. We have known each other for 3 and a half years, been married for nearly 2.

The bedroom stuff is the bdsm part to us I guess, however not solely as aspects of bdsm are threaded through our interactions on a relationship level as well.

The Master/slave dynamic however, is what our relationship is based on and plays out on a day to day basis and is different from "play" (Its there all the time, even when the play is not).

What this basically means is, Master is in charge, I'm not - and thats how we like it. I guess if it wasn't for the kinky stuff we do, we could very simply been seen as a dominant man and submissive woman living harmoniously together.

I don't see any pitfalls for living this way, its a complete way of living for me and is wonderful and amazing - so I'm an advocate for "yes it works".

Wow that's really great. There weren't any challenges, or mistakes that were corrected once you found them? Was it really as easy as falling off a log when you're both the right sort of people for it?

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:24:34 AM

akbarbarian

Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay
So yes, it can and does work ... but must be negotiated very carefully from the outset. The key is to find 2 people who are compatible on many levels and who have the same goals and desires from the relationship.

Open honest communication is always a good idea. I'm glad the careful approach paid off for you.

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:31:13 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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Even though Master and I do not live together, we have a TPE relationship; and it is in place at all times; 24/7/365.

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Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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Post #: 13

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 4:53:50 AM

Serenityy

Posts: 97
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quote:

Do some people want this, and when they actually have it, can they handle it happily ready for more?

A great many want and actually do have this kind of relationship; they work every day to make it work successfully.

quote:

what are the common pitfalls for both parties in making it happen

I would offer up a guess that most common pitfall is nothing more than all parties being able to adapt, keep communication open and flowing. I would also offer up that most are quite able to get past the hurdles that are thrown in their path simply because they are determined to make it work. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship work successfully ( or more in the cases of a poly household ); any kind of relationship.

(in reply to akbarbarian)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:36:51 AM

fldrkhorse

Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

You've touched on the submissives ego. That which they are willing to give up in private but guard in public. Generally speaking it's the inexperienced that set the limit of "in house" only. The experienced have let their ego go and are more comfortable with themselves, and who they are, that others opinions or reactions are of no significance. The completely committed wear thier submission proudly. It's a growth process that for whatever reason usually starts sexually. I'm a firm believer that submission and sex are two completely different things. Just one guys opinion.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to akbarbarian)

Post #: 15

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:40:32 AM

akbarbarian

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I think that's dead on in my past situations. Is that typical that new submissives have that in public ego hurdle, or are there commonly exceptions?

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RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:42:15 AM

akbarbarian

Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalira

Even though Master and I do not live together, we have a TPE relationship; and it is in place at all times; 24/7/365.

I'm not sure how that's possible. I mean sure you could try, I've tried a few things long distance. So much is harder that way at any rate, but if you both want somthing badly and it's on your minds all the time I'm sure you could overcome alot.

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:50:04 AM

akbarbarian

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Joined: 12/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Serenityy
I would also offer up that most are quite able to get past the hurdles that are thrown in their path simply because they are determined to make it work. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship work successfully ( or more in the cases of a poly household ); any kind of relationship.

My first major D/s relationship was with the girl next door you might say. She was curious about BDSM before I introduced it, but I did all the reading up and not only led but had to carry her you might say.

My second major D/s relationship was with someone who played her role well enough, but it was for the wrong reason of doing it because it made me interested in her before we hooked up not because it was her thing.

My third major D/s relationship was with someone who shied away from responsibility, and so again I worked very hard to carry both ends of the load with little to no help. She craved the results, but didn't really want to work at getting there.

It's very refreshing to hear ideas about teamwork, and both wanting somthing badly and making it happen together.

(in reply to Serenityy)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:50:07 AM

SlaveSuru

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Joined: 11/27/2006
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Master and I are Master and slave outside our sexual or or play times. When we go to the store for groceries I often catch myself calling him Master. when we are in our home or among knowing friends he is M<aster and I am Slave or pet. outside the bedroom we are just as much Master and slave as we are inside. I serve him whenever he needs and till he is satisfied. This helps strengthen the bonds between us and make our relationship stronger. I may do most of the house work but he maintains the property and works on repairing things around the house. I also cook most of the meals and do the laundry and dishes, He pays for the groceries and I bring home fun money from my job. We work together to ensure the house is run smoothly. I find it very refreshing because I used to live with room mates and because of my nature they took advantage of me and had me do almost all the cooking and cleaning without any contributions to the house at all.

The pitfalls is that it makes it harder for me to not act submissive around people who do not know our lifestyle. I also have a bit of trouble being apart from him for long periods of time because I am so used to serving him most of my free time. And example for instance is that when he had a tree climbing course for a week I nearly went crazy from the boredom of having nothing to do. I had already finished all my arts and crafts and tv bores me.

Those are the only I can think of at the moment

< Message edited by SlaveSuru -- 12/20/2006 5:59:54 AM >

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Post #: 19

RE: D/s outside the bedroom - 12/20/2006 5:58:24 AM

fldrkhorse

Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Is that typical that new submissives have that in public ego hurdle, or are there commonly exceptions

I think it's quite common for everyone. We all have the "what will people think" syndrome. It's only after time that we become comfortable with ourselves and our accepted roles that others opinions don't matter. It's also over time that we have a positive experience(s) that we understand we can function publically. And lastly, the need, urge, and yearning becomes greater than the ego. All things in time grasshopper.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to akbarbarian)

Post #: 20

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