RE: Jealousy in a Submissive

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Jealousy in a Submissive

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/23/2006 10:38:56 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

well here is my simple take on it...If you went into the relationship with the possibility of poly or even play as an agreement then thus no jealousy should even be considered..after all you agreed!...If you went into monogomous relationship and the Dominant decides to then want to have a poly or play thing then you have a right to feel some dislike of the situation as it was sprung upon you..Here now is where you make a decision...either accept that he has decided to create a poly life..and accept another into you relationship or leave and find a Dominant with some ethics,that stands by his word, as to what had been agreed upon in initial negotiations........Tempting

Are you trying to say that a person doesn't have a "right" to have certain feelings?

How does that follow exactly?

For example, I worked from the time I was 12 years old to get a full scholarship to college. I loved college, I flourished in college. It was completely right for me and I knew it from start to finish.

That doesn't mean there weren't times I struggled, times I hated it, times I felt completely NOT right with it.

SHould someone have told me I had no right to those feelings because I had agreed to that commitment and wanted it for myself?

Feelings are what they are. Telling someone they have no right to feel what they feel is completely unrealistic and not at all helpful. You can help them see new perspectives, and process their feelings in a different way, but to suggest they shouldn't even be having them to begin with does nothing for the situation and IMO is pretty unrealistic.

You bring up a good point LA....telling someone not to have certain feelings is unrealistic and not helpful..that was not the spirit or intent of my posting..however I am under the opinion that many submissives go into poly or possible poly relationships with the idea that maybe they will be enough for that Dominant and thus he will decide not to seek another, to me this kind of mindset only sets them up for disappointment and jealousy and much pain.But also my main issue is with Dominants who seem to want to change the dynamics once they think they have the submissive fully involved in the relationship,and know that once full involvement is obtained they know that submissive will waiver or try to please on an issue that may have been undesireable or untenable. If it had been negotiated in the beginning, a monogmous personality submissive would of simply said no to the relationship and thus the Dominant would of been rejected.......Tempting

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 4:22:10 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greeting loving kitten

this is a subject i know well i am a dominant woman and i had jealous slaves it is a horror only a fool would want someone to be jealous it can has destory many realtionship and as and will be dnagerous to the dominant if it is not stopped someone may be hurt not emoiontal but more as in physical harm. i had a male who was jealous this was before i bcame a dominant he almost killed me many times i find that it is not a show of ;love it is insecureity at the highest level and does no one thing good for anyone. this is a strong thing will hold with our slaves or submissive they need and want love as amyone and this poly no i know some who have spoken wiht me there is jealous natrue there one man, several woman all is not always at rest in a poly home and that goes for any dominant who's slave is jealous i had no slave so jealous he was jealous of my twin and anyother i had to release him. so dear no we domianat do not like the ways of a jealous person it is not love it is inscure feeling my son has a gilrfriend she had to be rarised in a barn he manners are so bad but the one thing that is strange she is jealous of me his mother and then if he stops to talk to another girl she his girlfriend wil walk up and grab this woman by her neck and lifted her this is something akin to asault and battery she is one strange woman but i all her girl she has not grown up yet. i told my son she is dangerous she had the nerve to mention dommes in front of me she must think she is on believe she is not using that on other woman well take ccare

warm wishes for you all

mons

(in reply to LovingKitten)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 7:34:05 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LovingKitten

To say that our relationship was rocky to start with and that it has gone over quite a few rough roads in the space of a little over a year I have been collared is an understatement, thus my insecurity.

This is what would concern me the most about adding another to the dynamic...
kinda like when a child is introduced into a rocky marriage for the sake of making it better. Even though i am new to the lifestyle, i am not new to life - if your relationship with your Master/Dom is not strong, it won't survive adding more distraction...

(in reply to LovingKitten)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 8:20:26 AM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

Poly is definitely not for me, although many are happy that way (I'm not bashing those who are in any way). I do have to agree with mons about jealousy being a strong emotion that can result in dangerous behavior. When I was younger, the girlfriends of a couple of guys I kissed came after me (no, I didn't know until then they had girlfriends). It was very scary. I've always wondered if fights and serious injuries are common in poly households.

(in reply to dawntreader)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 8:25:03 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LovingKitten

I have seen that many Dominants demand that their slaves/submissives not give into jealousy, especially when the subject of a poly lifestyle is brought up. This is my question to you though, do you not want them to be jealous so your fantasies can be fufilled without guilt, or because you don't want their emotional state to be damaged?

Jealousy can damage relationships! Depending on the degree of Jealousy behaviors and feelings the damage can become rather significant to the point of causing the relationship to end. I appreciate that jealousy feelings can occur from time to time. How such feelings are demonstrated is the important point to me. I expect that these feelings are demonstrated in a constructive and healthy manner for the relationship rather than destructive. I am on such Dominant that demands my slaves do not give-in to jealousy. But, not giving in doesn't equate to not having those feelings from time to time. When those feelings occur my slave and I will work through it constructively. Often it is just a question of simple reassurance.

Jealousy is not tolerated because it underminds the the trust and security of the relationship. Accepting that Jealousy should be allowed to exist or even tolerate is not acceptable to me. I can't have the deep level of trust and security that I desire in a relationship if jealousy is allowed to exist.

quote:

I would often think (through my years of experience) that a Dominant (male or female) would enjoy the jealousy, because it would be an assurance to the place they hold in the submissives mind/heart. It may be greed to keep the person to themselves, but in many cases its out of devotion, fear, love and/or need. I understand that most believe that jealousy is a waste of energy, but its one thta has always been difficult to overcome. (thank you katylied for bringing this insight, I forgot to bring it up).

I suppose some Dominants enjoy having their subs/slaves jealousy.... for it indeed allows such individuals to control and manipulate these individuals. I find using a person's emotional fears to manipulate and control another has being unhealthy and even immoral. I consider such Dominants as being weak morally and in truth more a Manipulator than a Dominant. For some Dominants is about having a specific Power over another and using this aspect to control the other. Many use the abandonment and jealousy issues of a submissive to control them. I find that such submission is rather tainted and weak.... it is giving out of fear and weakness. Many others see Dominance as an internal quality. An individual seeks to be a person of admired character and strength. Submissive individuals give their devotion and love to these Dominants in admiration and love and not from a position of weakness. I do not have to intimidate or use my submissive weakness to manipulate control from her.... Instead, I seek to be a better me.... a person of character that inspired her submission.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LovingKitten)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 9:04:10 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Many use the abandonment and jealousy issues of a submissive to control them. I find that such submission is rather tainted and weak.... it is giving out of fear and weakness.

I have to agree with that assessment. A sub may be trying her best to fulfill what she thinks are her duties within the power exchange (meeting challenges, growing within the relationship). At some point she may realize that her need to be true to herself is more important than stifling her needs in order to have a relationship. It's not always easy to discern between the two.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 2:14:38 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I don't know if this is the way I was raised speaking, or just insecurity here...

I would say both. In another part of my life I'm currently struggling with this very thing. I was raised to think x,y & z are wrong wierd and bad but they are things that I've got natural talent in and a desire to explore. I think my friends insight might apply to this situation too...I inspect things as if they are under a microscope, analyze it to death trying to find the different angles and motivations of others. It was pointed out that by focusing on the problem I actually make the situation worse. The suggestion was to flip things around look at a sitation through a telescope and see all the benefits instead of focusing and obsessing on the problem.
This isn't to say that to poly or not is something that can be cured by "opening your mind" but taking the perspective of "ok, so why do you want to do this" will give you some insight you hadn't counted on.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LovingKitten)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 4:16:02 PM

BDSM05478

Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Poly is definitely not for me, although many are happy that way (I'm not bashing those who are in any way). I do have to agree with mons about jealousy being a strong emotion that can result in dangerous behavior. When I was younger, the girlfriends of a couple of guys I kissed came after me (no, I didn't know until then they had girlfriends). It was very scary. I've always wondered if fights and serious injuries are common in poly households.

I would have to say no about the fighting part unless the Dom liked to see a cat fight or greek match.... (greek match a dream of mine)
but fighting like your talking about in the negitive because those girls were doing it cause they thought you were gonna steal there man. It was a fear reaction.If that was occuring ina poly household I would label it disfunctiona;l at best.

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/24/2006 11:58:52 PM

patina

Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline

I read a short story once it was for children but it dealt on jealousy issues. This was the way to look at including another person in a group, it was to take a bunch of candles and light them. As you light one for each individual it does not take from you but adds to the whole. So adding a new one only adds more light or love to the group too. With this there is no reason to fear or be jealous of a new addition to the group.
The story was of coure more indepth but that is not needed here just trying to show another way to look at other members within a household.

A ittle oversimplified but I hope it helps.I hope I wrote this where it makes some sense. But with my brain who knows. lol

Patina

_____________________________

a diamond in the rough

(in reply to LovingKitten)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/26/2006 9:56:35 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I am insecure and I am incapable of poly. I made that clear in the beginning. It is equally clear now. This just isn't something I can do and still feel good about myself.

If he decided now that he could no longer maintain a monogamous relationship with me, I would hope we could talk now and then as friends but I could no longer be his lover. I am not capable of it. No amount of talking on his part would change who I am. I hope he respects me enough to believe me.

(in reply to LovingKitten)

Profile

Post #: 50

RE: Jealousy in a Submissive - 12/28/2006 11:18:10 PM

ChaOz

Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Ive been jealous.. when there was a girl, you love em, put 'em on a pedistal, they are perfect and beutiful and you dont want to share that. I dont think its necessarily about insecurity, more like territory and the respect the other person should have for your connection, but anyway... I wouldnt go fucking other people just to make a sub jealous and one that is.. is something that needs to be discussed. Maybe the sub wants attention or maybe she truly cant cope with the issue but why would you enjoy fucking with their heads like that? Especially after all the effort of training them. there are subs who insist on u being able to sleep around, maybe for their submission to deepen, maybe coz they dont care. Find one like that.

< Message edited by ChaOz -- 12/28/2006 11:21:48 PM >

(in reply to Celeste43)

Profile

Post #: 51