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Please help me - 2/21/2005 9:07:14 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I hope I'm in the right place to ask for this kind of help.I don't know where else to turn. As some of you know I'm new to this and still muddling along. My husband/Dom and I love each other very much and have chosen the lifestyle or many reasons. Bedroom games aside, it follows very close to what we believe is right with God period. Although there are D's out there who have more then one S that was never acceptable for me as I believe adultary is wrong no matter what you call it. He agrees with me. The problem is before we chose to live this way he was unfaithful. I forgave him and moved on.
Now that we are trying to live this way,and things were going great we had a complication arise. A friend needed a place to stay and lets say she's everything I'm not (physically) in all the right ways. She's vanilla,and I watch them flirt with each other and I don't know what to do. I can't turn her out she hasn't done anyhing wrong,but she is the type. We (him & I) are still new at this and since she's been here he hasn't collared me once and has seemed to have lost intrest in this altogether. I'm hurting and lost and clueless as to what to do. I honestly believe me being sub to him is right and I thought he grew into it to.He seemed real pleased with the way things were going,now he seem to ignore me or go out of his way to be hurtful to me and friendly with her. He tells me not to worry. I don't know what to do.Please help!

I think I need to stress that I can't prove any of this,and maybe I'm stresses over nothing.Also mentioned in a response was that I didn't mention I was in a "Poly lifestyle".I didn't mention that because I don't know what it is so if anyone ould tel me.....Thanks-----Lady

< Message edited by BlouLady -- 2/21/2005 11:46:22 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 9:26:37 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

Someone's being a Master does not give them an automatic right to violate boundaries of monogamy. You should speak to him openly about this, and do so in a way which makes clear you are speaking about your own fears and not accusing him of doing anything. If you do not come away reassured, the pair of you ought to speak to someone external, such as a counselor or pastor if there is one you trust.

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 2

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 9:31:50 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I have talked to him, and he tries to assure me but I'm left feeling ridiculous.I know I'm selfish but why hasn't he wanted me since shes been here? Thank you for your help though--Lady

(in reply to Manawyddan)

Post #: 3

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 9:35:33 AM

darkpetal

Posts: 24
Status: offline

i read your post twice.
i want to ask.....
You mention God, does this mean you want to live by the Biblical command to remain free of adultery in your lifestyle?
You say you are bi, is this accepted by the God you mention and the Biblical commands?
What does collared mean to you since, in my reading, you seem to cherish the concept.
Faithfulness, integrity and loyalty are values within a vanilla relationship as well as within lifestyle relationships. Many will say, once a wondering eye, always a wondering eye.
You forgave once, was it conditonally or unconditionaly?
If you knew there might be a potential for unfaithfulness again, why did you invite this friend into your home?
i feel the pain in your words, this girl hugs you tight.
Might i suggest you take this pain to the one you love, lay it at his feet and the 2 of you clarify your needs, desires and expectations?
Having said this, laying them at his feet, you may find them tread upon, ignored or belittled. Are you strong enough to feel more pain?
Yours, my dear is not an easy road.
All i know is that strength for today, not tomorrow is at your disposal.

Hold On!
========

If things seem to be slipping,
If things are tough,
If you are getting tired,
If you don’t know when this trial will be over,

Take a few minutes and listen to this song.
http://www.theonlineword.com/m/4432.wma

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 4

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 9:58:42 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Darkpetal,
I guess I should have clarified some. Yes I want the biblical sense of adultary free lifestyle. I am Bi and I have not (as of yet ) read that it was wrong for women whereas i have read that it was wrong for men.Should the day come where I read that it is wrong for women then I will never again be with a woman. Truth be told I haven't in many years anyway and then at his request.
To me the collar is a symbol of my commitment to him and our life as well as his commitment to this lifestyle.And as for inviting the friend, as a christian I feel it is my duty to help when I can and she desparatly needs help. I just can't help feeling...lost. I have alot of unresolved questions concerning how much help I should give but I've been looking in the bible for those anwsers. Thank you for your support and any opinion is appreciated-Lady

(in reply to darkpetal)

Post #: 5

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 10:05:41 AM

SecretDomme

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

You can turn your friend out, if "she is the type" to do something wrong, as you say. It is your (meaning your and your husband's) household, and it should be respected. If she is flirting with him, she is doing something wrong, in my opinion. Your husband sounds like he hasn't changed much, unfortunately, and that behavior has nothing to do with the D/s lifestyle. That issues goes back to the foundation of your relationship.

I hope things get better for you.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 6

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 10:19:31 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady
A friend needed a place to stay and lets say she's everything I'm not (physically) in all the right ways.

How long does she NEED a place to stay? And why?

quote:

I'm hurting and lost and clueless as to what to do. I honestly believe me being sub to him is right and I thought he grew into it to.He seemed real pleased with the way things were going,now he seem to ignore me or go out of his way to be hurtful to me and friendly with her. He tells me not to worry. I don't know what to do.Please help!

You obviously need to a) get the girl gone as soon as reasonably and politely as possible b) let your husband know that you are hurt and worried and since he HAS done this before and HAS changed his behavior that it's a fairly reasonable reaction c) work on rebuilding trust, since you don't have it. Ask him WHY he hasn't done the things he used to and work out ways to bring them into your life again.

You shouldn't have to live in a relationship you are always fighting for sanity in. And the girl shouldn't be brought into a situation of such drama either. Get her out and work on your issues together.

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 7

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 10:28:42 AM

RosaB

Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

It's a wreck waiting to happen, why invite temptation. You two need to work on your relationship without the added pressure of having a houseguest that may or may not cause a serious rip in your relationship. Get her out of your home or soon as possible, you'll be hearing the I told you so's. Right now your priority should be your relationship with your husband, Miss thang is flirting with your man under your roof, show her the door, what she is doing is highly disrespectful and unwarranted of your hospitality.

Rosa

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 8

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 10:29:23 AM

terah

Posts: 69
Joined: 12/17/2004
Status: offline

I agree with SecretDomme on this.I think what bothered me most about your post is that you didn't mention that you were into a poly lifestyle. That she just aassumes that because you are in this lifestyle that it is okay and so does he to flirt. It's NOT okay. If you are not inot humilation then it's NOT okay, If you are not into Poly, Then it's NOT okay, if at all you didn't agree to this in the beginning.

The fact that he hasn't collared you and that he's bringing in other tells he he wasnts to eat his cake and have it too, like most men. But Most dominant who are in poly are at least honest about their intentions and DO NOT slight one for the other. It's counterproductive.

Being submissive is NOT your a doormat. If you feel your dominant is crossing the boundaries with this vanilla woman then He Is. As you mention before She is vanilla not lifestyle WTF is she doing in your house flirting with your man.

So friend or not she crossed the line and so did he. You have every right to feel hurt and you have every right to STOP hurting.

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 9

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 11:42:45 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I don't know what a poly lifestyle is. She's staying because she has no where else to go.She and her husband recently got divorced because she cheated on him several times.I know I sound stupid to have let her in my house and believe me I feel stupid,but I have a very hard time telling anyone no unless I have solid concrete reasons for not helping,and unfortunatly my petty jealousies aren't solid enough.Having talked to him he say's he's not flirting just being friendly. he says I can kick her out like it's no big deal but we both know I won't because she's only been here a couple of days and no where to go.Literally. I don't want this to explode in my face but I HATE hurting someone because I can't control my emotions. I need to do something though so I guess we just need to sit all of us and discuss how long until she goes and lay some ground rules.----Lady

(in reply to terah)

Post #: 10

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 12:00:16 PM

SecretDomme

Posts: 152
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady

She's staying because she has no where else to go.She and her husband recently got divorced because she cheated on him several times...

...I don't want this to explode in my face but I HATE hurting someone because I can't control my emotions. I need to do something though so I guess we just need to sit all of us and discuss how long until she goes and lay some ground rules.----Lady

Hi Lady,

It sounds like the groundwork is there for those sorts of issues you previously mentioned to develop, based on your friend's behavior and your husband's past. Your emotions are not unreasonable based on what you have observed so far, and to discount your feelings because you don't want to hurt someone else is indeed admirable, but not of benefit to yourself and your relationship, in my opinion. It sounds like your friend brought her issues upon herself.

I do think your suggestion of all getting together to discuss ground rules is a good thing, but I would still be cautious. Be good to yourself and respect your feelings.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 11

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 12:15:28 PM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Be good to yourself and respect your feelings.

Thank you.Sometimes it takes someone not in the situation to point out what should be obvious. Hugs to you thanks for caring

(in reply to SecretDomme)

Post #: 12

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 12:38:54 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady
I know I sound stupid to have let her in my house and believe me I feel stupid,but I have a very hard time telling anyone no unless I have solid concrete reasons for not helping,and unfortunatly my petty jealousies aren't solid enough.

Then be miserable and a victim, it sounds like you prefer it. You are the one who considers your issues "petty" and yet go to an online forum to get advice. We can't help you help yourself.

You've gotten clear advice and your response is "but I CANT do that (even though I know it's the right thing to do)".

So- enjoy the consequences of your choices as an adult.

quote:

I won't because she's only been here a couple of days and no where to go.Literally. I don't want this to explode in my face but I HATE hurting someone because I can't control my emotions. I need to do something though so I guess we just need to sit all of us and discuss how long until she goes and lay some ground rules.----Lady

Grab a lease agreement from Staples and go over it together, make it official so you don't have to be concerned with rent and sharing.

As far as ground rules, if it takes telling him in front of her that you don't want his cock out anywhere except in your bedroom when you are both in it, then do it.

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 13

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 12:52:12 PM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Although this may be hard to believe there are actually nice people in the world.I'm one of them. Not all nice people do it to be victims and I don't actually like being hurt.I came looking I think more for reassurance then anwsers.I'm not a strong person and it has nothing to do with enjoying being hurt.It is simply who I am. I appreciate you expressing yourself and although it was slightly venomous I can see you point. Thanks again--Lady

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 14

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 1:12:53 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlouLady

Although this may be hard to believe there are actually nice people in the world.I'm one of them. Not all nice people do it to be victims and I don't actually like being hurt.I came looking I think more for reassurance then anwsers.I'm not a strong person and it has nothing to do with enjoying being hurt.It is simply who I am. I appreciate you expressing yourself and although it was slightly venomous I can see you point. Thanks again--Lady

Stop confusing "nice" with "weak." You're not a BAD person because you demand respect for yourself, you're just weak. Perhaps you've been groomed in life that unless you make people happy, they won't like you. Perhaps you're too scared to be left alone to stand up on your own. Perhaps you believe that you can't make others deal with THEIR own choices because it would make you deal with YOUR own choices.

Or maybe that's all just crap and you've found yourself in a sucky situation which will either force you to grow up and grow stronger, or slowly disintegrate farther down the path of unhappiness.

I meant no venom in my post, simply truth. I didn't realize you wanted more hand holding and reassurances. Personally, I think the situation is pretty much doomed for everyone. She's lost her relationship and is seeking the closest male security figure she can find for her own reassurance, your husbands already shown he's got a past of cheating, and you consider your own issues too petty to cause anyone to be accountable for themselves, including you.

No reassurances here, sorry. Except that- you CAN take control, you CAN make choices and do the right thing. But you have to decide where you want to go.

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 15

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 1:33:01 PM

Tempestspet

Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline

I've read most of this. You don't sound like a bad person. You sound like perhaps you are trying to find where you fit in. You also sound like you are trying to save your marriage.
That said....

It's great to be a good person, giving, and helping others in need. But you must first take care of yourself, and your own family, before anyone else.
I think that it was a monumentaliy poor decision on your part to ask that girl to come stay with you, knowing youve had cheating problems with your husband in the past.
The collaring thing, you say he hasn't collared you in awhile. Do you only consider yourself collared in the bedroom? That isn't from what I know ... lifestyle. That's bedroom Ds, or S&M... depending on how you two play.
I heard many others express themselves in great ways... you can learn from every one of these posts. And I hope you don't see that anyone of us has been picking on you. This is our effort to help you, and help you get of the a painful situation.
You say you are not a strong person..... perhaps this is why your husband, and your female friend are walking all over you. They aren't going to treat you with any more respect than you treat yourself.

You have asked, and I may have missed someone definition reply..... of what poly is.
You don't sound like poly to me, if you were poly... you'd likely be happy she was there. Poly, as I understand it ( I am not poly, so I have zero experience here) is when more than two people make up a household. And they refer to themselves, as a group, the way most refer to themselves as a couple. I think they often share a bed, this seems to be the case with the poly families I know of.
In your situation, were it poly, your husband would be Dom, and you and your friend would both be collared to him, and serve him. In whatever manner that's agreed upon by the 3 of you.
I hope, all I have missed in this explanation, or just plain got it wrong, will help me out on that one....smiles....

I wish you luck, but I think you need to get her out. I'm sure there is somewhere else for her to go. Or at the very least you should sit down withthem both, and talk it out.

Tempest's pet

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 16

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 1:41:44 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

She and her husband recently got divorced because she cheated on him several times.

This plus your husband's history of cheating, plus the obvious flirting, plus his neglect of your needs raises a huge red flag for me. I agree that she needs to go. Does she have any relatives that could take her in?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 17

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 2:02:27 PM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

She doesn't have anyone around here and no one to help her. I didn't ask her to stay she called me desparate,needing somewhere to go. I'm going to reply to all in this.Emerald, Although I make stupid decisions I'm not a stupid person.You made a lot of good pionts and yu've also made me mad.And mad is a good thing.I handle things better mad.So thank you for the kick in the ass.
Tempest-No one else explained poly to me.Thank you and I'm not poly that's for sure!! :)
Proudsub--You have always replied in my hour need.Thank you still for beig there---Lady

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 18

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 2:23:59 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tempestspet
You don't sound like poly to me, if you were poly... you'd likely be happy she was there.

I am poly. I don't necessarily want to turn this into a thread on poly- but poly does NOT mean "we can take in chicks off the street and she can become my husbands lover and I'm all happy about it"

That's like saying because you're a slave, you'll be happy with any dom who wants to tie you up.

quote:

Poly, as I understand it ( I am not poly, so I have zero experience here) is when more than two people make up a household.

Poly is having multiple intimate relationships at the same time. There's no standard. Some are couples bringing someone new in. Some are doms having multiple subs. Some are entire extended groups. Some are just linked people in a family.

quote:

And they refer to themselves, as a group, the way most refer to themselves as a couple.

Usually, yes. Some have independent relationships which are unattached to the group.

quote:

I think they often share a bed, this seems to be the case with the poly families I know of.

For smaller long term families, they often share beds and households. For larger, extended or long distance families, it can vary tremendously. The Owner lives with his primary. My Boston partner lives with his wife (the Owners Boston sub). But I live alone, as does my boyfriend.

quote:

In your situation, were it poly, your husband would be Dom, and you and your friend would both be collared to him, and serve him.

Ummm, not necessarily.

(in reply to Tempestspet)

Post #: 19

RE: Please help me - 2/21/2005 2:37:02 PM

fencerpet19

Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline

I'm wondering, you say she is vanilla... is she aware of your chosen lifestyle? I'm thinking one reason your husband may be hesitant to play with you the way he did before she arrived may be because he doesn't want her to find out, or do anything with you that might make her uncomfortable. That said, this does seem pretty fishy and I'd be careful.

A word of caution: I know that the bible is against divorce and you can't be re-married in the church unless the marriage is annulled. But to me, that should not be a reason to stay in a relationship where you are miserable. I come from a very religious Catholic family, and my mother stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage to my father far longer than she should have. My brother and I grew up extremely shy as a result and it wasn't until she left him that I started to feel independent and respected. I know this is a bit extreme, but should your husband continue to hurt you emotionally it's something I'd consider. Best wishes,
~FP~

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 20

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