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Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:16:53 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Let me preface this by saying that I don't participate in any community D/s groups so I am making assumptions here based on what I know in my personal life. Also I am not in a long term D/s relationship.

I was thinking that long term live togeather D/s relatonships are very rare and why that is. Here are a few reasons that occur to me.

Because the D/s relationship is so intense that it is hard to maintain constantly on a day to day face to face basis let alone a 24/7 basis.

Because people who are into D/s are more independent minded and not neccessarily into "normal" partner type relationships assuming normal here to be the societal norm of living togeather or being married.

It is just very hard to find the right partner for a long term relationship period let alone one that also dom/sub to your dom/sub.

D/s is fun and exciting but you cannot maintain or live in a constant state of excitement and in time, over years, the excitement wears off and people move on.

It goes against the norm and that is always a difficult thing to do.

It limits friendships and socializing as many people do not understand this type of relationship, in fact most people do not understand this type of behavior let alone relationship.

In other words it seems to me the deck is stacked against. Would you agree that they, long term relationships, are in fact rare or would you say there are lots out there and I just havn't been exposed to them?

And to continue with this line of thought:

How would you catagorize a live togeather vanilla relationship where D/s is only practiced in the bedroom? Would you consider it a D/s relationship at all or call it something else. In other words can you be a dom/sub master/slave only in the bedroom and if so is that relationship any less real than a 24/7 D/s one?

Post #: 1

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:29:23 PM

MaryT

Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

]ORIGINAL: SlyStone
In other words it seems to me the deck is stacked against. Would you agree that they, long term relationships, are in fact rare or would you say there are lots out there and I just havn't been exposed to them?

I think you've probably seen them and not recognized them outside of a BDSM context.

How would you catagorize a live togeather vanilla relationship where D/s is only practiced in the bedroom? Would you consider it a D/s relationship at all or call it something else. In other words can you be a dom/sub master/slave only in the bedroom and if so is that relationship any less real than a 24/7 D/s one?

I'm a big fan of letting each person define him/herself for him/herself. Words like "real" and "true" are not helpful, IMHO.

MaryT

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 2

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:29:33 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

I would call it a d/s relationship that didn't feel the need to bring it out of the bedroom. The 24/7 master/slave relationships aren't any "better" or more "real".

I've only started to explore my submission outside of the bedroom. That doesn't make me any less of a submissive, it just makes me me and my relationship mine. Every relationship is different, regardless of it it's d/s or vanilla and the only thing that matters is that the people involved are happy. Remember that some dominants have no desire to order their submissives about during the daily routine because we are adults and should be able to take care of ourselves. I have never been ordered to do so, but I do the laundry and clean the house because it simply needs to be done and it feels more my duty then his.

Also remember that many vanilla relationships reflect traditional male dom/fem sub roles, particularly in conservative Christian groups as the Bible says to submit to your husband as before the Lord. It is not all that uncommon for the man in the relationship to call the shots. Where we were get odd looks is when the roles are reversed so that a woman is in charge and in our sexual practices.

edited for typo

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/24/2006 1:31:21 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 3

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:29:45 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

mmmmmmmmm what was wrong with your last profile? why the change?

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 4

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:35:12 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

I was thinking that long term live togeather D/s relatonships are very rare and why that is. Here are a few reasons that occur to me.
Ive recently started going to munches etc and have found mainly long term 24/7 live together d/s relationships and also a few that have only been together for a short while. Also those who flit from partner to partner. Pretty much the same as the nilla world really.
Because the D/s relationship is so intense that it is hard to maintain constantly on a day to day face to face basis let alone a 24/7 basis.
Friends of mine say it is difficult but attainable. Mostly they seem to live d/s and vanilla due to unmentionables and family and friends.
Because people who are into D/s are more independent minded and not neccessarily into "normal" partner type relationships assuming normal here to be the societal norm of living togeather or being married.
More independent minded? Not sure what you mean by this. Like i said my friends seem to have normal mixed with d/s.
It is just very hard to find the right partner for a long term relationship period let alone one that also dom/sub to your dom/sub.
I think its hard to find the right partner no matter what lifestyle you lead.
D/s is fun and exciting but you cannot maintain or live in a constant state of excitement and in time, over years, the excitement wears off and people move on.
Why not? Mixed in with a vanilla lifestyle, kept exciting, new ideas etc. No relationship is easy.
It goes against the norm and that is always a difficult thing to do.
Who is to say what is normal?
It limits friendships and socializing as many people do not understand this type of relationship, in fact most people do not understand this type of behavior let alone relationship.
Surely only if you let it. I have many vanilla friends who dont have a clue about my lifestyle. I would think a lot of d/s couples have the same.
In other words it seems to me the deck is stacked against. Would you agree that they, long term relationships, are in fact rare or would you say there are lots out there and I just havn't been exposed to them?
I would say they are no rarer than in the vanilla lifestyle.
How would you catagorize a live togeather vanilla relationship where D/s is only practiced in the bedroom?
I wouldnt.
Would you consider it a D/s relationship at all or call it something else.
It doesn't really matter what i would call it. The only peoples opinions that matter are those involved in said relationship.
In other words can you be a dom/sub master/slave only in the bedroom and if so is that relationship any less real than a 24/7 D/s one?
Yes, why not?

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 5

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:45:06 PM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

D/s isn't a constant state of excitement. Here is a very boring example of D/s. Vanilla couples might do exactly the same thing for completely different reasons and with a different mindset. THAT's what makes 24/7 24/7.

Me: Damn it's hot in here.

He: (gets up, turns down thermostat.)

Because it's often that boring, people we know just see a particularly doting guy with a somewhat assertive wife. There's no real issue with mainstreaming beyond the fact that we find the mainstream a snooze.

< Message edited by Grlwithboy -- 12/24/2006 1:50:45 PM >

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 6

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 1:59:49 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

D/s isn't a constant state of excitement. Here is a very boring example of D/s. Vanilla couples might do exactly the same thing for completely different reasons and with a different mindset. THAT's what makes 24/7 24/7.

Me: Damn it's hot in here.

He: (gets up, turns down thermostat.)

Because it's often that boring, people we know just see a particularly doting guy with a somewhat assertive wife. There's no real issue with mainstreaming beyond the fact that we find the mainstream a snooze.

It's like that here too - Master will say "Cup of tea?" and I'll get up and make one. More often than not I have all my clothes on and no cuffs or chains

To the OP: Our friends know we are into D/s (most of them are vanilla), not all of them understand it but to them we are just "the kinky ones". They see we are happy together and that's all that matters. We have been together for 3 years now and have just got married, so we are in it for the long haul.

quote:

How would you catagorize a live togeather vanilla relationship where D/s is only practiced in the bedroom? Would you consider it a D/s relationship at all or call it something else. In other words can you be a dom/sub master/slave only in the bedroom and if so is that relationship any less real than a 24/7 D/s one?

I would say that it is a D/s relationship - ours started out this way but has evolved to outside the bedroom too. I get so tired of labels, or the implication that "my relationship is more D/s than yours" because of what the partners do or don't do. If it makes both people happy and satisfies each one's needs then it's "real"

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

Post #: 7

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:02:56 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT

quote:

]ORIGINAL: SlyStone
In other words it seems to me the deck is stacked against. Would you agree that they, long term relationships, are in fact rare or would you say there are lots out there and I just havn't been exposed to them?

I think you've probably seen them and not recognized them outside of a BDSM context.

Could you be more specific. If its outside of the bdsm context than is it bdsm?

How would you catagorize a live togeather vanilla relationship where D/s is only practiced in the bedroom? Would you consider it a D/s relationship at all or call it something else. In other words can you be a dom/sub master/slave only in the bedroom and if so is that relationship any less real than a 24/7 D/s one?

I'm a big fan of letting each person define him/herself for him/herself. Words like "real" and "true" are not helpful, IMHO.

You are right, forget the word real. How about can it be as definably ( is that a word?) a "bdsm" relationship or is it something equally as valuable but different?

MaryT

(in reply to MaryT)

Post #: 8

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:04:39 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

I would call it a d/s relationship that didn't feel the need to bring it out of the bedroom. The 24/7 master/slave relationships aren't any "better" or more "real".

I totally absolutely 100% agree .

< Message edited by SlyStone -- 12/24/2006 2:08:52 PM >

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 9

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:11:07 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

Can someone tell me how to turn off having my picture displayed with every post. I may be a sadist but even I have limits.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 10

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:12:23 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

seems you identify BDSM and D/s as one and the same thing.

Personally.... D/s and BDSM do not equate to being the same ... both can exist without the other... but also co-exist rather nicely.

When I hear some talk about D/s only in the bedroom... I really wonder what the hell they are talking about. Of course... if they link D/s and BDSM as being one of the same... then it makes some sense I suppose... well to them it does... still dosn't make any sense to me.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 12/24/2006 2:15:55 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 11

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:12:39 PM

MaryT

Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Could you be more specific. If its outside of the bdsm context than is it bdsm?

It's called traditional marriage. You've probably seen a lot of it, whether or not it involves bondage and discipline. There is some argument that D/s is not really a part of BDSM since it fits no where in the acronym. Again, I'm happy to let people define their ownselves.

quote:

You are right, forget the word real. How about can it be as definably ( is that a word?) a "bdsm" relationship or is it something equally as valuable but different?

Again, I am happy to let people define themselves for themselves - BDSM or not. I wouldn't attempt to attach a value to someone else's relationship ... That's like trying to attach value to feelings, and if they're not my feelings, how the hell could I know their value?

You are displaying a prominent kink within BDSM: An addiction to definitions.

MaryT

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 12

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:14:30 PM

MaryT

Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

Can someone tell me how to turn off having my picture displayed with every post. I may be a sadist but even I have limits.

At the top of your screen, you see "my profile." Uncheck avatar.

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 13

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:25:00 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaryT

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlyStone

Can someone tell me how to turn off having my picture displayed with every post. I may be a sadist but even I have limits.

At the top of your screen, you see "my profile." Uncheck avatar.

Thanks, the only way I could get rid of it was by using an avatar. I guess I'm a computer idiot.

(in reply to MaryT)

Post #: 14

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:29:13 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

In other words can you be a dom/sub master/slave only in the bedroom and if so is that relationship any less real than a 24/7 D/s one?
Yes, why not?

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

No reason just wanted to hear others opinions. II pretty much agree with your other comments just don't want to get to long winded:)

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 15

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:35:12 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

When I hear some talk about D/s only in the bedroom... I really wonder what the hell they are talking about. Of course... if they link D/s and BDSM as being one of the same... then it makes some sense I suppose... well to them it does... still dosn't make any sense to me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

seems you identify BDSM and D/s as one and the same thing.

Personally.... D/s and BDSM do not equate to being the same ... both can exist without the other... but also co-exist rather nicely.

When I hear some talk about D/s only in the bedroom... I really wonder what the hell they are talking about. Of course... if they link D/s and BDSM as being one of the same... then it makes some sense I suppose... well to them it does... still dosn't make any sense to me.

I guess I do think of them as the same. I guess you could say that the overall relationship is a D/s one and the activity is BDSM but they are to me the same thing. How do you differentiate them?

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 2:51:30 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

A couple only doing D/s in the bedroom I would call a couple who liked kinky sex. I wouldnt see them as being in a D/s relationship -however, thats all good, different strokes for different folks.

quote:

Because the D/s relationship is so intense that it is hard to maintain constantly on a day to day face to face basis let alone a 24/7 basis.

A d/s relationship isn't that intense, in fact for me, its a peaceful, easy feeling. So it's very easy to maintain.

quote:

Because people who are into D/s are more independent minded and not neccessarily into "normal" partner type relationships assuming normal here to be the societal norm of living together or being married.

I don't quite get what you're point is here. If it's that people living in a D/s relationship are consciously taking up certain defined roles within a relationship and that doesn't happen within other types of relationships...I don't think thats true. I think in most relationships people settle into "who they are" within the context of the relationship and in relating to their partner, even in vanilla relationships.

quote:

It is just very hard to find the right partner for a long term relationship period let alone one that also dom/sub to your dom/sub.

There might be some truth in that.

quote:

D/s is fun and exciting but you cannot maintain or live in a constant state of excitement and in time, over years, the excitement wears off and people move on.

Fantasies are fun and exciting, even vanillas playing out some fantasies together can spice up their relationship. However, D/s can be known and experienced at a level thats beyond fantasy. When D/s is the fundamental foundation for the relationship, not because of an exciting fantasy but because two compatable people really feel at home with themselves living that way....there is no "growing out of it, or wearing off"..it's just there in everyday life.

quote:

It limits friendships and socializing as many people do not understand this type of relationship, in fact most people do not understand this type of behavior let alone relationship.

No it doesn't, but it perhaps limits talking about the intimate workings of your relationship with people who don't, cannot understand....yet there is even ways around that, so that you can talk to vanilla folks about your relationship without freaking them out.

quote:

Would you agree that they, long term relationships, are in fact rare or would you say there are lots out there and I just havn't been exposed to them?

I dunno, I'm just thinking about a few friend couples Master and I know. There is a D/s dynamic playing out in their relationship and they have never had anything to do with bdsm or the concept of D/s.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/24/2006 3:11:54 PM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 17

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 3:05:57 PM

SlyStone

Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

A couple only doing D/s in the bedroom I would call a couple who liked kinky sex. I wouldnt see them as being in a D/s relationship -however, thats all good, different strokes for different folks.

I hear you but you know it's a very fine line. What if I refined my statement and said that it's only a D/s relationship in the bedroom because they have no choice as far as the social circle that they live in. What if they are making compromises to coexist with others but secretly they are always D/s but just can't show it.

In other words can the D/s relationship exist as much as or even more so in the mind rather than the body?

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 18

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 3:14:16 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

D/s isn't a constant state of excitement. Here is a very boring example of D/s. Vanilla couples might do exactly the same thing for completely different reasons and with a different mindset. THAT's what makes 24/7 24/7.

Me: Damn it's hot in here.

He: (gets up, turns down thermostat.)

Because it's often that boring, people we know just see a particularly doting guy with a somewhat assertive wife. There's no real issue with mainstreaming beyond the fact that we find the mainstream a snooze.

Perfectly wonderful example of how it works.

Here's an example from my house:

Me: I'm thristy.

Fox: (goes to get me water and brings it back with a smile) Here you go, Mistress.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

Post #: 19

RE: Relationships - 12/24/2006 3:18:34 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

What if they are making compromises to coexist with others but secretly they are always D/s but just can't show it.

I added some more to my last past..on the last section, I mentioned that Master and I know a few couples where a D/s dynamic is very obviously playing out in their relationship. Like one couple, god the woman is so domineering its not funny, she won't do any house work, the husband cooks and cleans and maintains the household, shuts up when she gives him "the look"...I often joke with Master about them being Domme and sub..but Master says "Nah she is just a bitch" lol. Anyways my point here being, if they can live like that, right in front of everyone and know "nothing" about D/s or bdsm..why couldn't anyone? It's not just in the bedroom but threaded through the everyday dynamics of their relationship.

So saying that, if D/s is ONLY in the bedroom, I still see it as two people just having some kinky fun in the bedroom and that they aren't in a D/s relationship.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/24/2006 3:22:37 PM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to SlyStone)

Post #: 20

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