RE: Is this disrespect?

RE: Is this disrespect? (Full Version)

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ShiftedJewel -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 1:27:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra Well, isn't this just the most pleasant of ways to handle things!!! Reasons why, from my point of view, your post was disrespectful: 1) Using his behavior - regardless if you feel it was disrespectful or not - is no justification for inappropriate behavior on your part. What you engaged in was revenge - pure and simple. 2) Saying "oh, I just said that to let my friends know I was ok" is so much ... well, I need waders! If you hadn't already aired your dirty laundry; if you hadn't already gone out there and discussed the problems you were having with so many people that it required posting the information on a profile for god's sake, that you'd issued an ultimatum and he caved to let "everyone" know you're ok, you wouldn't have had this question of your disrespect come up in the first place. 2) In point of fact, in general, friends don't really look up friends' profiles over and over again, so it appears more like you were making damn sure the rest of the world knew you had your dominant fully in hand. I would never have read your profile as a statement of happiness that you two had worked things out. I'd have read it as a gloat over the successful enforcement of your demands. 3) This thread is a continuation of your gloat - and a warning to everyone else who might be interested in you. "Do something I don't like and I'll make YOUR business public too!" 4) You were never looking for answers to the question of whether you were disrespectful or not. You were looking for accolades, approval and acceptance for how you "handled" that dominant. If you wanted us to only answer in ways that are suitable to your frame of mind, why even ask the question in the first place? At each and every turn, you've continued to justify and make excuses for your behavior. This on it's own is pretty indicative of a lot of things - none of them real good. 5) And regarding the profile itself: You're issuing an apology for an APPARENTLY disrespectful comment? What's APPARENT is that you don't see the need beyond he said to do it, for issuing the apology. And that little process significantly diminishes the apology to just being "what you should say" rather than something you actually believe you did. An apology issued with no real intent is no apology whatsoever. I'm sure you'll disagree with everything I've said here, but that's all right. You certainly have that right. In the end, it really doesn't matter what I think. The person you were with evidently thought that you were being disrespectful and really, that's all that matters. juliet *Amen* *Jewel*

julietsierra -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 2:30:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: twistedwillow I won't go into details as to the why or blame or anything like that. But putting aise the terms of D\s vanilla etc, there were periods of time where my partner(Sir) would just disappear for weeks at a time, and as it was a long distance relationship, i had no way of knowing what was happening. He would not answer my calls, not come online, not ring me, anything. Anyway we got together and i told him that if he wanted this relationship to continue that he needed to show me the respect of getting in contact with me.If he didnt want to talk to me that was fine, but to send me a text every day or two letting me know he was fine etc. To which he agreed. So after we had made up and were back together again, and had ( so i thought ) everything sorted i put this information on my profile. Oh, and there's this little winner. If you didn't want to go into the details of why your relationship was rocky... Why did you? juliet

twistedwillow -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 2:59:35 AM)
As i said earlier my mistake in posting this was to make it personal not generic, allowing people such as yourself the opportunity to attack. As for everyone else, thankyou for your input, weather you agree or disagree.. i've appreciated it. He has read this, and we are talking. To whoever it was , apologies i cant remember who, who said that if it had been a vanilla relationship it would have been ok but as a D\s it isnt. I am new to D\s and still attempting to transition from vanilla, meaning i know i have a lot to learn, and im sure i will make many mistakes in the process... in a way i still struggle with the giving up of my self. So i particularly appreciated your view on it Anyway again, thanks to those who actually answered the question of was it disrespectful. twistedwillow

MaamJay -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 3:05:38 AM)
Well I agree with juliet in terms of the way you have responded to the comments you invited. It seems your words and actions were inappropriate in terms of not thinking with due caution about how they might be perceived and you have only made yourself look bad, which will do you no good at all for the future. I accept that you are new and over-enthusiastic and undercautious ... how much more important then to stop the fruitless exercise of self-justification and instead learn from the experienced ones here. I agree with LA who advises slowing down, taking time to think and not making another commitment for at least 6 months, wise advice from a wise lady. However, I also agree with another former poster who says that this Dominant had not commanded your respect in the first place. I just couldn't take any Dom seriously who thinks it's OK just to disappear and leave His sub wondering where He is or if He's alive or dead. Yes, everyone has busy periods or times when things get crazy, but surely He can let you know that. A quick message to say "I have to go out of town for 3 weeks to do X, I may not be contactable during that time, but I will message you when I can" or whatever ... to Me, that is part of the responsibility of being a Dominant and being in control of another. It's then up to the sub to accept that and not make the Dominant's difficult time even worse ... but to just vanish? No, that's irresponsible. I know I have had subs do the same and it hurts and frustrates Me so much that they rarely, if ever, get a second chance with Me. For Me, a key part of respect is to firstly respect yourself ... if you did that, you wouldn't have persevered with this disappearing Dom. But then, neither would you have been so ready to blurt out what you have, or to have confused the sub's right to negotiate with inappropriate topping from the bottom. And then, respect those whose actions as well as their words, command your respect. And ALWAYS ... read emails/posts over before hitting the SEND button ... think about how others might perceive your sentiments, those who can't see the spirit of intent in which the words were written. It can save you from some disasters! All the best in the future. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

deltadawn -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 4:12:35 AM)
twistedwillow, Yes, it was disrespectful. Don't even question it, it was clear disrespect. The main reason it was disrespectful is because HE said it was. You may not have meant it to be, but in the end that does not matter. You are in a new relationship and will make mistakes. Learn from them and remember in the future that private matters are private. Oh and 'cheeky' rarely comes off as 'cheeky' in the public arena. Remember that here we do not see your face and cannot read your body language. Please do not take my words as an attack, I never attack. Happy Holidays dawn

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 4:15:06 AM)
Yes it seems disrespectful to me. Putting something like this in public by itself may not be but it could be seen as a form of manipulation, which would be disrespectful. Open communication is good, but some of the words you choose can be seen as disrespectful. There is no difference between taking advice from someone online and taking advice from these boards, so that comment someone made is a bit contradictory. You can have all the best intentions, but if what you do makes things worse or causes problems, then intentions don't matter. Hopefully he has pointed out to you what it is that he finds disrespectful and you have learned from it. Orion quote: ORIGINAL: twistedwillow As some may know, my relationship with my Sir is\was rocky. I won't go into details as to the why or blame or anything like that. But putting aise the terms of D\s vanilla etc, there were periods of time where my partner(Sir) would just disappear for weeks at a time, and as it was a long distance relationship, i had no way of knowing what was happening. He would not answer my calls, not come online, not ring me, anything. Anyway we got together and i told him that if he wanted this relationship to continue that he needed to show me the respect of getting in contact with me.If he didnt want to talk to me that was fine, but to send me a text every day or two letting me know he was fine etc. To which he agreed. So after we had made up and were back together again, and had ( so i thought ) everything sorted i put this information on my profile. This is a new profile for me, my old one was 'nomansdoormat' . My Sir and i have talked and it looks like everything is and will be good, we sorted out a lot of things and i put my very unsubbish foot down about certain things. Thankyou to everyone who has sent messages of support, it was a very rough time for me. But i believe my Sir realise how fabulous i am ( blatant self promotion here ) and that he won't do anything to risk losing me again. Sir's (very happy) dea Since then he has apparently had many comments from both Doms and subs, about my lack of respect for him, and how i make him look like the submissive one. For my part i simply don't see it, it was slightly tounge in cheek, because i was so happy, but i certainly didn't mean to disrespect him. Was it disrespectuful? Is he being over sensitive? Sorry for the rambling post. would love some imput on this. twistedwillow edited for obvious typos, etc.

MsLayla -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 4:16:10 AM)
That was exactly what I wanted to say as well julietsierra. On a lighter note, perhaps twisted willow will have learnt something from this ordeal, and handle things differentely another time. Health and happiness to everyone. Miss Layla

julietsierra -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 5:31:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I wonder how those who sent the snide emails would feel if their partners rarely contacted them. I'll bet they would have a different attitude. Sounds to me like the dom was disrespectful to neglect the sub. As a matter of fact, I can answer that question. I felt hurt, but instead of making our business public and being disrespectful of him, when I did see him, we talked - like two mature adults - about how I felt. And he smiled because I didn't yell, complain and demand change in him. I simply pointed out how I felt. He made his own decisions as to how he wanted to handle things from that point. I was well aware that if I really didn't like something, I could always walk away from him and find someone else. I have that freedom. We all have that freedom - whether it's a D/s relationship or a vanilla one. It's called dating. I didn't attempt to exert dominance over him. It gave him the freedom to decide on his own, in his own space and time - that he wanted me in his life and how he wanted to handle things for himself. Accepting that a dominant will make his own decisions seems to be a strange concept for a lot of people. Accepting that if we don't like something that we have the freedom - and the right to decide a relationship isn't correct for us without ultimatum or manipulation also seems to be a strange concept. Why? juliet

Mistress160 -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 6:28:45 AM)
quote: As i said earlier my mistake in posting this was to make it personal not generic, allowing people such as yourself the opportunity to attack. As for everyone else, thankyou for your input, weather you agree or disagree.. i've appreciated it. He has read this, and we are talking. To whoever it was , apologies i cant remember who, who said that if it had been a vanilla relationship it would have been ok but as a D\s it isnt. I am new to D\s and still attempting to transition from vanilla, meaning i know i have a lot to learn, and im sure i will make many mistakes in the process... in a way i still struggle with the giving up of my self. So i particularly appreciated your view on it Anyway again, thanks to those who actually answered the question of was it disrespectful. twistedwillow Not the easiest thread to deal with during Xmas day! Hang in there, twistedwillow. You are new to both D/s and this forum and the responses you received here have proven a (very) sharp learning curve. You don't need any more reminders of the dangers of going public! But the most important thing for you I am sure - as you say in your last post - is that your Sir has read this thread and that you are talking. I hope the outcome ... and the New Year ... are everything you wish for.

Aine -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 2:04:33 PM)
After reading almost the entire thread, then skipping the last few posts.... Seems like the OP should have posted a POLL rather than this post.[:D] Over and over again, she has asked for basically a yes or no answer to whether it was disrespectful, since she thinks that everyone who has put a "Why" with their yes or no is attacking her. To the OP: A few people have been a little overly snarky (imho). Some were merely straightforward with their "why's", which you took as attacks. Some people were neutral, which you seemed to warm to since they didn't go against what you thought your own intent was. No offense meant, I'm just calling it like I see it. Perhaps you need to look a bit more into what people are trying to point out to you. You're letting yourself go on guard a little too easily with some of the responders here. Again, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm not being snarky, I'm not being a bitch, I'm not trying to beat anything into your head, I'm just offering up some opinions, I know, albeit a bit off topic. Take it as you will. [:)]

unsung -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 2:12:44 PM)
[In reply to the OP] I think airing your personal issues especially when they are pointing fingers in public is wrong, so yes what was done was in my view disrespectful. In my view, you should have approached your Dom privately and expressed that his absence and lack of contact upset you and as his sub would have liked consideration to the sort that he would inform you of being out of reach. Hence but done in your own private forum, not here.. It kind of makes you both look unattached in more ways than one (read into that how you chose). Hope you resolve your issues, the best of new year to you. [edited to add in reply to the OP and not to Aine]

Aine -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 2:16:18 PM)
(Note for the future to avoid confusion) There's a reply button at the top of each post including the original post ("OP") so you can reply to whomever you please...but using the box at the bottom of the thread will post your post "in reply" to the person who last posted. In this case, me. [:)]

spankmepink11 -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 4:29:54 PM)
ok....i'm answering your question, Yes it was disrespectful, and i feel, inappropriate.... Have a nice day....

spankmepink11 -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 4:34:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania My mom told me something that is really good advice. She told me to never tell her when I had a fight with my significant other unless I want her to remember that information long after the problem has been resolved because it could do nothing but color her feelings for the person. I applied that to all people, unless I want something thrown back in my face I tend to keep it under my hat. Thats excellent advice, i've given it to friends on occasion...when they talk about how much their parent dislikes their significant other...etc..

spankmepink11 -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 4:53:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl I don't think it is disrespectful for a sub to expect contact from her dom or for a dom to expect contact from his sub. Without communication, no relationship exists. You did nothing wrong, he did. I wonder how those who sent the snide emails would feel if their partners rarely contacted them. I'll bet they would have a different attitude. Sounds to me like the dom was disrespectful to neglect the sub. I don't think that people found the fact that she expressed her concern to her Partner as disrespect, the disrespect came in the updated profile, and subsequent posts and apologies

nikaa -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/25/2006 5:49:30 PM)
twistedwillow, We all have days where putting someone else first is the last thing we went to do but the right person can make those days less emotional and dramatic. The right person will make you want to submit. P.S. We are all growing and learning. I beleive if you learn from your mistakes they are not mistakes at all but life lessons.

swtnsparkling -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/26/2006 3:01:37 AM)
Well not that it means anything- but I thought it was Disrespectful also.I also think- that if you cannot see it as such ( and it appears you either cant or wont) then you are doomed to most likely do some thing similar again. Try for a second - put yourself in his place- ( I have done this many times for different reasons even with my kid at times so I could maybe see from that persons perspective) pretend you are the Dom and your sub posted this- it really doesn't come across the least bit disrespectful to you?

badlilthang -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/26/2006 3:27:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaryT If he is taking the opinions of online strangers so seriously, I would question his judgment in general. Unless what you are talking about is a cyber-only relationship (which isn't a relationship at all) ... in which case: You can do waaay better than that. [:)] Again this.....if it is a cyber-only relationship it isn't a real one. i don't know, but statements like that always makes me think "us rt SM'ers are so much better than the rest of you". i have had several - not many - vt relationships - and i have kept them as friends also later on. To have Someone to talk to, share thoughts, dreams and fears in the virtual world should be just as real as to have a rt penpal or even a journal to write in. To test your limits in a virtual world - to see what it does to your mind and even body is a safe way of exploring before eventually - for those who can - taking it rt. Ok - it might not for all be a hands on relationship - but it sure may have just the deep connection between those two - than if they were rt. And let's face it - so many does not have the possibility to take things into the real world... so in my humble opinion - a vt relationship can for many be just as real as in the real world...s.. ~bad~

MistressYlwa -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/26/2006 5:45:18 AM)
I find it disrespectful. I also think that a number of people gave you good reasons for their opinions and options that you might consider. While you might not have appreciated the tone, I would hope you appreciated the information. Mistress Ylwa

MaryT -> RE: Is this disrespect? (12/26/2006 7:40:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: badlilthang If he is taking the opinions of online strangers so seriously, I would question his judgment in general. Unless what you are talking about is a cyber-only relationship (which isn't a relationship at all) ... in which case: You can do waaay better than that. [:)] Again this.....if it is a cyber-only relationship it isn't a real one. i don't know, but statements like that always makes me think "us rt SM'ers are so much better than the rest of you". Well, I don't know about better as a person, but certainly more grounded in reality where this stuff is concerned. I respect people who are well-grounded in reality. I grant you "isn't a relationship at all" was not correct, but I would venture that it resembles real time no more than cyber sex resembles flesh-on-flesh sex. MaryT

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