RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive

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SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/30/2006 11:14:02 PM)
mons, I want my sub to also want to do as I ask, and not do things because I might "kick them to the curb". Maybe the things I ask aren't easy sometimes and then it would be a thing of doing them only because it's what I want. But overaall I want them to do so because that's the nature of this type of relationship. At least to me it is.

SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/30/2006 11:30:13 PM)
MstressPassion, Thank you for your response and insight. Possibly others in my sphere have had a bearing on my realities as to what is expected and should be done. Most of those folks are not longer in my life as they have moved on. When you're new it's easy to take the "advise" of community leaders to heart. You figure with their position in the community that must have some idea of what they're talking about. And they do. Just that, as you essentially say, they speak from the realities of their world. Not evey solution to a problem is for eveyone. Thanks again for your reply.

SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/30/2006 11:43:18 PM)
Celeste43, Though I imagine there is much to what you say, one thinking I have a problem with (and I'm sure my inability to grasp this concept is where some of my problems stem from) is where you say "Because if you don't care enough about the rules to enforce them, then why should she? ". My response is that that's what she agreed to do when petitioning for my collar. So if a sub has said they will and then they won't, that's part of the process I just can't quite get my mind around. Why should a dom be expected to discipline and punishe a sub into holding tru to their word? Should such words written by a submissive (to follow your rules and to do as you command) be interpreted other than at face value? Playing the "devil's advocate", might it be a case of her needing to regain my trust and respect? I was petitoned with similar words and now the choice has been made to dishonor those words that I took into consideration when collaring my girl. Maybe I need to include this in a future discussion? Food for thought.

SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 12:00:33 AM)
juliaoceania, Your post spoke to me. Thanks. As mentioned in an earlier post, when I first entered this lifestyle I associated largely with those of Old Guard experience. Several of them are still my dear friends. I think we often make efforts to learn from and/or emulate those we admire and respect. In doing so we can discover that what's important to them may not be our realities. I feel I'm more the "act naturally" kind of person too, and bunches of protocols and rules probably isn't really for me. There's not a lot of things I feel very strongly about. At least where my my day to day life is concerned so I'm not about bunches of rules just to feel like I'm controlling the sub. But lacking that it can feel like you're not in control. I guess the reality is that if I specifically tell her to do such and such, that it is done. I can see fairly regularly telling ones pet (to use your example) to sit, to shake, and to lay down, to remind them of who's the alpha in this relationship. Maybe that's what needs to occur more often.

juliaoceania -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 12:14:11 AM)
There maybe times when you go into public that you can have special protocol (interacting with lifestyle friends). It takes a lot of energy to continually do certain rituals, and if you stopped paying attention to her doing those things, then she begins to think you do not care... then she thinks if you do not care, then why should she do them? It becomes routine for you, takes more energy than perhaps you want to deal with... she internalizes this as you not caring or paying attention to her as a submissive(I am going by how I would feel, she may not feel this way at all). It is best to have a few "tricks" that are done well and that are meaningful to both of you (in my humble opinion) than a large laundry list of other people's special rites. If my input was helpful I am glad!

BitaTruble -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 1:38:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo Reply to OP: Frankly I would dispense of the chit-chat and notion of asking her for permission to take the reins back. Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it. This would sooooooo work on me. [:D] Celeste

BitaTruble -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 2:02:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SumterDom The rules and protocols were in place and were being followed. Though my perspective is proving to be wrong, in retrospect, I've always been under the impression that if one is given rules etc that they should follow them. After repeated times of them not being followed (this came about after a couple of years by the way) rather than cracking the whip so to speak, I determined that she didn't really want to follow them and pretty much stopped inforcing them. I just don't fully understand that if someone says they want rules and limits etc, and you give them to them, then logic would say that they'd abide by the, But apparently there is a need to not follow them. The "testing". Why must they test? You want the rules? The parameters? Then why not just follow them? What am I missing here? Sorry to ramble but I got on a roll there. For me, this changes the entire question. You don't sound lazy to me at all.. you sound tired of dealing with bullshit. You're not missing anything, in fact, I think you're spot on with your assessment of the situation. You did have things in place, she did test ... you just gave up trying to get submission from someone who wasn't willing to submit. I don't blame you for that. Sounds like a hell of a lot of work when it's all supposed to be a hell of a lot of fun. I'd sit her down and ask her point blank.. if you want to be my submissive, then why aren't you being my submissive? I often tell dominants who are actually being lazy, that you can't be a Master unless you are willing to 'be' a Master.. the same hold true when the shoe is on the other foot. Talks cheap so you need to find out if she really wants to walk the walk and submit to your authority or not. Good luck to you.. Celeste PS - have you thought about having her get a sub mentor/s? Sometimes it helps to have an objective party with no emotional involvement help submissives to see the light and this forum is full of them.

SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 7:38:34 AM)
Bitatruble, Thank you for the reply. That does give me cause for further though. Most definately. In fact that thinking was quite a shaker to me once I read it. That explanation would put things in another light and explain quite a bit of what I've experienced. It may be that she's willing to be, or even desring to be dominanted but that to her the one able to dominate her will need to drag her submission out of her kicking and screaming. Does any of this make sence to the rest of you? I'd love your perspective and/or thoughts on this.

Leonidas -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 8:48:47 AM)
You've already taken the first step, which is to recognize and admit that you've lost it, and own up to the fact that you, as the dominant party to the interaction, are the one responsible. Step two is doing a little soul searching to figure out why you lost it. Did you get distracted with other things and just stop paying enough attention? Did she take control back an inch at a time through passive resistance and you just didn't notice? Is the root cause of the issue still present, or is it gone now? If it's still present, how are you going to deal with it differently? Step three is sitting her down and explaining that you've lost it, that you take full responsiblity for losing it, and that she can expect that you'll be taking it back. Reintroduce her to the boundaries, if it's been a long time since you observed them, then proceed to remind her (I'm sure you remember how) each time she steps out of bounds. Good Luck.

SirDominic -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 8:58:24 AM)
As for me, I find myself in the unusual position of disagreeing with BitaTruble. Some subs are very submissive by nature, and do what is expected simply because that is what their Dom wants. There are a lot of subs, though, who like to test boundaries, push the envelope, see what they can get away with. In this situation, it is the Dom's responsibility to maintain control. The sub tests because she wants and or needs the continued confirmation that her Dom cares enough to keep her in her place. Fact is being a Dom is a lot of work, especially in a 24/7 lifestyle. By allowing her to set her own rules, you have not done your job as Dom. I think this was more because of your lack of experience more than anything else. Still the damage has been done. At this point though you are in a tough position. Although several have mentioned on how the "force her to the floor" approach would really turn them on, I think this is a huge risk to take. If she is not the kind of person who would go for that, especially after so long being more vanilla, you could kill the relationship right there. I'm not saying that would happen, just that it is a real possibility; what turns one person on is an insult to another. But before you go through any of this, I think you need to first spend a great deal of personal time determining what it is You really want, and what You are really willing to do to get it. As one of the earlier posters suggested, you might like the idea of a 24/7 Dom, but you might not have the personality for it; the drive to do the constant work to keep control. If your relationship turned vanilla because over time, you just relaxed into your real persona, then you might want to consider that you are not cut out to be a Dom. Nothing wrong in that, but you have to be honest with yourself and find these answers before you even begin to deal with her. Best of luck, Sir Dominic

catize -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 10:06:34 AM)
quote: is where you say "Because if you don't care enough about the rules to enforce them, then why should she? ". My response is that that's what she agreed to do when petitioning for my collar. So if a sub has said they will and then they won't, that's part of the process I just can't quite get my mind around. My question to you is: What did you do the first or second or twentieth time a rule was ignored? Did you sit down to discuss it, or did you just assume she was no longer interested in submitting to your will? quote: Why should a dom be expected to discipline and punishe a sub into holding tru to their word? I agree that if one has committed to submit, then one is obligated to fulfill their part of the dynamic. Discipline should come from within, but there is always that communication thing that can make things clearer for both sides.

nephandi -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 11:03:34 AM)
Sir i think you might be in bit of the same situation like me and my Master, we begun as a vanila cupple, and all we did think we wanted was a bit of kinky sex now and then, but the need grew, in both of us, and we realised the kinky sex was meaninless, what we wanted was for him to control me and for me to submit to him, and so the jurney for a D/s realtionship developed. But it is hard, he now have to establish rules, set the bounderies and take the long process of making it natrual for me to obey. i mean it is not hard to be submissive when one is in the mood, it is all the other times that it require effeort, and he need to train me, and i need to let myself be trained to the point where obedience is just natrual, it is what i do. Comunication, punishments and rewards and more comunication is the way we are doing it. i thin Sir you will need to first set your sub down and have a long talk whit her, ask her if D/s is still what she want to do, if the answer is now, the best migt be to relese her and find a new relationship, if the answer is yes, then you both must begin to work on the relationship, and work hard. A re colaring might be an idea since it give the feeling of a new beginning, and taking smal steps might also be a good idea, hard to know as i dont know your particular situation. Well that is my two cents, my wery best of luck to you. anja

ImpGrrl -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 11:54:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic As for me, I find myself in the unusual position of disagreeing with BitaTruble. Some subs are very submissive by nature, and do what is expected simply because that is what their Dom wants. There are a lot of subs, though, who like to test boundaries, push the envelope, see what they can get away with. In this situation, it is the Dom's responsibility to maintain control. The sub tests because she wants and or needs the continued confirmation that her Dom cares enough to keep her in her place. Fact is being a Dom is a lot of work, especially in a 24/7 lifestyle. By allowing her to set her own rules, you have not done your job as Dom. I think this was more because of your lack of experience more than anything else. Still the damage has been done. At this point though you are in a tough position. Although several have mentioned on how the "force her to the floor" approach would really turn them on, I think this is a huge risk to take. If she is not the kind of person who would go for that, especially after so long being more vanilla, you could kill the relationship right there. I'm not saying that would happen, just that it is a real possibility; what turns one person on is an insult to another. But before you go through any of this, I think you need to first spend a great deal of personal time determining what it is You really want, and what You are really willing to do to get it. As one of the earlier posters suggested, you might like the idea of a 24/7 Dom, but you might not have the personality for it; the drive to do the constant work to keep control. If your relationship turned vanilla because over time, you just relaxed into your real persona, then you might want to consider that you are not cut out to be a Dom. Nothing wrong in that, but you have to be honest with yourself and find these answers before you even begin to deal with her. Best of luck, Sir Dominic I definitely agree with your last two paragraphs. But the rest, to me, is about personal responsibility. If I agreed to be my owner's slave, and being my owner's slave meant XYZ - it's not his responsibility to make sure that I do XYZ, it's mine. Yes, he should notice and call my attention to it, especially if I'm forgetting, etc. But if he has to repeatedly correct me, something is wrong. I recognize that some people do need to test boundaries, etc - and that's ok when both partners agree to that within the dynamic. Otherwise, I'd lay the responsibility for obeying squarely on the s-type.

unownedredhead -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 12:21:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it. I don't know if that will work. But I like the way you think. [8D] did swoon! did swoon! and I think it just might work! dina

LadyHugs -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 1:59:33 PM)
Dear SumterDom, Ladies and Gentlemen; I am of the thought that you assumed that my saying Dominants do not have off days; that life and emotions, minds and moods don't have some influence on the M/s and or D/s dynamic. In my mind's eyes a Dominant is always dominant however, when not able to focus on the dynamic; I rather see words of the dynamic on 'pause.' As I see it--like a father, mother, spouse, Dominant, slave and such; sometimes there is a pause in what makes a person this or that; but their title never leaves or the responsibilities to that title. But, it is an interruption or a pause. Off is, in my mind's eyes to much of a harsh word or an ending. Like power switch on and off--not in hybernation mode, pause button and the like. That said, to resume the follow up postings. It is great to borrow from different sources as to create your own rules, rituals and or ceremonies. However, I find no fault in where you alter and create what is so much in need for the present state of affairs you are in currently. I am under the impression that you're so overwhelmed with work and the both of you are lucky to catch a decent meal, bed rest and private times. Indeed it could cause any rules and rituals to go to the curb until there is quality time to do them well. Communication though, is indeed needed. Both of you need to realize that there must be something to keep a toe hold of D/s and or M/s. Even if it is just one ritual or one rule to follow, it is still something that reminds you both as to why you're together. When time returns, perhaps a more realistic practice of D/s and or M/s can be formed. In my household, low protocol was the practice. If I had guests it would be high protocol. Public would be high protocol as well. In addition, I like to add, that even ceremonial drill teams have low protocols until they are called into their functions as 'high protocol.' Burning out is something that high protocol all the time will be of concern, in my mind's eyes. Medium protocol works well, when friends are around. But, again--I stress--make your relationship yours. Tailor make it to fit your lives. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

Donnalee -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 2:17:28 PM)
quote: quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it. I don't know if that will work. But I like the way you think. [8D] did swoon! did swoon! and I think it just might work! dina That would work for me! I like direct. [:D]

impetuousone -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 2:22:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo Reply to OP: Frankly I would dispense of the chit-chat and notion of asking her for permission to take the reins back. Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it. ~~panting~~ That would work for me!

MagiksSlave -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 5:20:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo Reply to OP: Frankly I would dispense of the chit-chat and notion of asking her for permission to take the reins back. Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it. bad idea... you cant just spring Domanance back on somone it isnt right if he has let the rains go he has to get her permition to take them back again maybe she doesnt want him to!!! Magik's slave

catize -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (12/31/2006 7:26:32 PM)
quote: bad idea... you cant just spring Domanance back on somone it isnt right if he has let the rains go he has to get her permition to take them back again maybe she doesnt want him to!!! Yes, but he'd have his answer very quickly!

talibahh -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/1/2007 2:01:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo Reply to OP: Frankly I would dispense of the chit-chat and notion of asking her for permission to take the reins back. Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it. mmm... melts... this would do it for me too.... mmmmmmmmm yummy!

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