RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive

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notlookingdom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/1/2007 2:08:37 PM)
LadyHugs wins the best reply of all award. Constructive suggestions, all about taking real action. The only thing I can add is that sometimes, as painful as it may seem, when the D/s or M/s slips away, or was never there, sometimes both parties must cut their losses and move along.

ImpGrrl -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/1/2007 3:22:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: catize quote: bad idea... you cant just spring Domanance back on somone it isnt right if he has let the rains go he has to get her permition to take them back again maybe she doesnt want him to!!! Yes, but he'd have his answer very quickly! He could have an assault charge very quickly, too.

Carrianna -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/1/2007 4:06:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SumterDom I have searched for this particular subject but since I haven't found this variant I am seeking opinions on how a dominant can regain control of their submissive once they have allowed the relationship to evolve into something entirely too vanilla. What started strict, with rules and protocols about 3 years ago has become very much like any other vanilla relationship. A vanilla relationship is not what I want, so I need to regain the control I desire or end this relationship and move onto one where I actively maintain control right from the beginning and on through it too. I prefer to keep this relationship and am interested in others experiences in regaining lost control. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and opinions on this subject. My relationship ended the same way, I know what happend now, I showed feelings yes I do have some but once it went vanilla it just driffeted off... I did not even notice, then it was over... Will read this thread and I want to see what happens... Hope it all goes your way.

Carrianna -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/1/2007 4:32:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Carrianna My relationship ended the same way, I know what happend now, I showed feelings yes I do have some but once it went vanilla it just driffeted off... I did not even notice, then it was over... Will read this thread and I want to see what happens... Hope it all goes your way. Drifted... Whoops...

Level -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/2/2007 5:24:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub quote: ORIGINAL: emdoub I agree - an important first step would be to have a chat with your partner - discuss how/why you two lost the d/s dynamic, and how important it is to you each to get it back. If she doesn't want it back, you've got other issues to deal with first. Once you are both on the same page, finding your way back should be comparatively easy - you both know how you got there the first time, so traveling that road again should be a lot less bumpy this time around. (Oh - don't mind anyone who sneers at you for not keeping the dynamic consistent - the folks who do this for real know that such things happen on occasion.) Midnight Writer While you are correct in the fact that I personally am not in such a relationship..I do know a couple of good strong D/s relationships of numerous years who seemed NOT to have difficulty maintaining their dynamic. Of course the Dominants I refer too, made sure of this....and I sneer not!...I snorted![:D]....Tempting *laughing at the snorting/sneering situation* [:D]

girlgonewrong -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/2/2007 5:34:23 PM)
I do have to agree with some who have posted that the taking her by the hair and letting her know who's in control would get my attention as well... Honestly tho, as a submissive, if she is truly submissive and wanting that lifestyle she is probably just as confused and lost as you are. She probably doesn't understand why she isn't getting the attention, direction, and domination that she used to. I am in a similar situation right now and as the submissive in the relationship I feel very lost and confused, and feel like it's my fault. Feel free to send me a private email if you would like to talk further and share perspectives from both sides!

Solinear -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/8/2007 4:44:49 PM)
There are a few things that stand out to me: 1) You have probably been thinking about this for quite a while and, as far as I can tell, you haven't done anything about it yet. Just come here and asked other people to help you. This can be admirable, but can also be a sign of a lack of decisiveness, particularly since it's been 2 weeks since you posted and at least a month (if not longer) since you recognized this problem. 2) Your sub doesn't seem want to listen or follow the rules as they were outlined. I would expect that this could be a sign that she just isn't well suited to the rules that you want to give her or that she just wants you to 'keep her in line'. There are really a dozen different things that may cause this problem. You work a lot (will get into this later) and she may feel that you're not giving her enough attention. She may feel that you're too giving and kind to her. She could just be getting comfortable in the relationship and be changing to where she no longer feels the need to be a posession and can just be happy to be with you, without being a slave. 3) You work a lot (too much?). You are probably tired and not able to devote the time that you really should be to keeping her as a slave. Did your 'slip' begin when the hours you devoted to work increased? If so, then it sounds like you really need to start giving her more attention. Those are the issues. How do you fix it? First of all by doing something about it. Like I said before, it seems like you've known about this issue for a while and even after a week of postings here (come on... you posted her at 11am on Christmas day. If that isn't a hint of how much this was bothering you, I don't know what is), you're just responding to what everyone is saying instead of taking a course of action. Whether it's grabbing her by the hair, slamming her on the floor while she's naked and letting her know that things are changing, starting with the fact that she's going to be naked and wearing a horse tail buttplug every day until you're satisfied that she's going to be obedient, or if you simply have a talk with her, you need to do something. Your indecision (or at least it seems apparent from what I've seen here) is going to be obvious to her. Hell, it's probably obvious to everyone here already. You need to decide where your priorities are at. Just because she's a slave and wants to be, that doesn't mean that she does all the work. You don't like her not doing what she's told, then punish her. This may or may not mean spanking/caning/whippings/whatever, it may be the denial of any attention whatsoever until she fixes her attitude. Reality is that this is a free society and as much as she has to earn your collar, you have to constantly earn the respect for her to want it and keep it. If you don't, she can just go find another master and very well may be looking for one already. If you have to cut your hours at work, then that's what you have to do, but you need to determine whether the relationship and keeping your posessions are worth cutting your hours and possibly missing a deadline. Possibly consider actually working from home, if she stays home all day. Then you can take 5 minutes to straighten her out when needed. Not to seem harsh, but no matter what, you need to get off your sorry fucking ass and do something. Stop coming here and posting about how you're not happy and change your situation, even if it means that you have to start looking for a new slave. Don't leave her in suspense though, change the situation or get rid of her so the both of you can start looking for someone that will make you both feel fulfilled. If you've decided on a course of action and started moving towards that resolution, then you can probably disregard a lot of what I'm saying here. If you're still waffling though, you might just want to see if she'll pin you down and have you wear the horse tail buttplug until you get decisive.

Rayne58 -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/8/2007 5:25:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHugs I am under the impression that you're so overwhelmed with work and the both of you are lucky to catch a decent meal, bed rest and private times. Indeed it could cause any rules and rituals to go to the curb until there is quality time to do them well. Communication though, is indeed needed. Both of you need to realize that there must be something to keep a toe hold of D/s and or M/s. Even if it is just one ritual or one rule to follow, it is still something that reminds you both as to why you're together. When time returns, perhaps a more realistic practice of D/s and or M/s can be formed. I haven't read all the thread, but this paragraph by LadyHugs jumped out at me[:)] Master's health is not great and there are times when He is not up to much. But there are little things that keep our dynamic reinforced, e.g. when walking past me He will sometimes grab hold of my hair and pull my head back to kiss me. It reminds me of my place and also how special I am to Him. Sometimes all there needs to be is a tone of voice, or a look. Sometimes I will kneel by His chair. Little things, that help keep the D/s going when times are tough.

MasterHXB -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/9/2007 3:05:31 AM)
A bottle of ch will do the trick. lol just joking. Grab her and take her down, and tie and gag her as well. Now just punish her enough till she breaks. After that her world is yours.

Fawne -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/9/2007 5:47:58 AM)
Hello May I praise you for being so open to advice and on valuing your slave enough to work on yourself as well as lead her? I need ask - was she new to this when you collared her? She may have agreed to things, not yet experienced by her and could feel that some part of it isn't working. Are the two of you on the same page? So much great advice here from the wonderful, generous people at CM. Please talk to her. Keep an open ear: listen. Listening to her and allowing her to express her needs in a respectful manner will not undermine your dominance - only enhance it. When you know the time is right - then grab her by the hair and.... ;) Thank you all She may just be lost, and cannot express the respect she does have for you.

desoutter -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/9/2007 11:40:23 AM)
everything in life evolves.... assuming you have talked this over with your significant other: If she desires to revert to a Dom/sub relationship - great! If not I guess its time to end and seek another that meets your needs... I suppose the best advice is to really discuss it with your partner... Nothing has ever more clearly defined my own needs and desire more so, than discussing it with others... its a lot different when its not rolling around in your head but out there in the world - as you may already know... desoutter

SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/13/2007 11:31:39 AM)
Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. Some I am going to do, and that will be easier now that my works schedule has changed. It may get more busy later but for a while I'll have most of my evenings available to get the dynamic back in order. Sorry for not responding sooner but I drove to Oklahoma and my brother and I buried my mom Wednesday. Then the drive back (18 hours!). My sub and I have talked and she does want the dynamic back, or better, than how the dynamics were before. She had a couple of BDSM relationships prior to us meeting but she was never really interested in the play or sexual aspect, which is what all the previous "Dominants" wanted. Granted, I was fairly new in the lifestyle when we met myself. There had been the play and the sex. Then, as expressed earlier, I found that there was more to this that just the play and the sex. I learned, read and gathered with a dominant discussion group. I think it's that the vanilla life has crept in due to work and admittedly to growing laziness. I am ready to get in touch with myself (introspection) and take much of what you folks have offered as advice, and take the work needed to get it back as I want it...and she does too. Thank you again... <<edited for spelling (DUH!)>>

millisande -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/13/2007 1:47:40 PM)
Greetings to all, Master, Dom, Top, Mistress, Domme, bottom, sub, slave, undecided, whatever the heck. Greetings, Master SumterDom This one finds herself -completely- in agreement with marie. It would sure as hell work on her. Best wishes, to thee and thine, With all respect, and in hopes that this is pleasing to the Free, bina, of Wolf quote: ORIGINAL: marieToo Reply to OP: Frankly I would dispense of the chit-chat and notion of asking her for permission to take the reins back. Next time you catch her naked, grab her by the hair, take her down to the floor, crouch down and whisper in her ear the new way its going to be. Then stick with it.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/13/2007 2:11:48 PM)
aloha SD, sorry about your mom and welcome to the forums. i am going to say something against the grain here, so be warned. something i have learned early on in my path into this way of life is that d/s is privilege based in consent, when she disobeyed with drew her consent so you revoked her privilege. i am not willing to work for a subs submission, i will however work to maintain the slave head space, by keeping up my end of the agreement, such as accountability, structure, leadership and open communication...but as soon as they begin to disobey, i am not of the mind that it is up to me to put them in their place....it is up to me to make a place they can put themselves but unless they want to be there then i have zero interst... she says she wants more d/s, but to me that is not even close to being specific enough its like saying i want more money or more love...it is so open ended that there is no goal posts to let you know if you are on course... what exactly does she want and why? what exactly do you want and why? sit down and talk, start with finding out the sexy stuff to her...what makes her go all gooey inside...and find out what you love about it too. go to a lifestyle event, all that leather and power will make you and her both heady, and infuse your imagination with a repertoire of new ideas. dont blame work, or yourself, or her....you both let this happen and you both are working to course correct... water may seek its own level, but tides come in and they go out....as the moon waxes and wanes...every thing in life is cyclical there are no exceptions and those that say it is not like that, do not notice it for some reason.

SumterDom -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/13/2007 6:31:03 PM)
millisande, I am curious as to why you referred to me as Master SumterDom. I guess this must be the training your master has given you. To me, only one that is my slave would refer to me as Master. I can see it if my screen name were Master SumterDom. There are one or two capped old guard masters I refer to as master x. In this case it's showing respect for their given title rather than coming from any submissive tendency. SumterDom

MasterGremlin -> RE: Regaining control of slave/submissive (1/13/2007 7:50:59 PM)
I am amazed at the black/white world that some people seem to live in. I've been in a 24/7 relationship with my sub (minxy who posts here under my log in) for the last 9 years. Our relationship has raised two teenage daughters, owned and operated 2 businesses (one that was successful and one that failed) that took us working 7 days a week. We've moved an essientially (sp?) re-started our lives. These life events have dramatically affected our "dynamic" many times. There is no way that any human being on either side of the spectrum could keep 100% focus on any relationship while dealing with what we've dealt with in the last 9 years, and I'm going to guess the same can be said about just any two people in a relationship for that length of time. Adding in D/s just throws another level of complexity to the relationship. Communication. This is the key. When one or the other reaches a point where the relationship no longer works for them then they need to communicate the issues to their partner. Communicating should not be viewed as a weakness. We (all of us I am assuming by us posting on an alternative lifestyle website) have chosen to taken a path through life that is not "normal" by the majority of society. That means we're making our own rules and going our own way. By definition, since each is an unexplored path, we can not have all the right answers until we experience the path we've chosen (and this is multiplied by having two people traveling into the unknown). So for some to say "You as the dom need to have all the answers" is just unrealistic. This lifestyle is all about exploring the bounderies and finding your own way through life. My perspective (and this doesn't mean the correct perspective, just the one that works for me and works for us to this date) is that you sit down with your sub and discuss what your goals of the relationship are. You find out if enough of her goals match your goals and then work on how to make them work toegether. It is hard to change a dynamic in mid-stroke but two people that wish to reach the same goal (a lifestyle in this case) can work together to overcome history and preconceived notions. While I strongly like the idea of dramatic D/s play (a beating does wonders :D) I don't think it's the way to handle the long term issues of a relationship. Speaking of long term relationships, whether it's vanilla or D/s, sometimes people change and their objectives change and it's time to move one. Communication will allow you to find out if there is something there to save or it's just time to move one.

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