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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:08:29 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Just a question but are you mixing the daily power exchange of the relationship with actual physical BDSM play? I ask because that is the feeling I am getting.

I know this is an old dog to beat on these forums but it keeps coming up. The actions we do in our daily lives do not need to reflect our dominant or submissive nature and how that plays into our personal relationship. And because we have busy lives that keep us from swinging the paddle or getting paddled, every night certainly does not mean that we are not a dominant or submissive. Yet I am quite certain that the interpersonal dynamic between the people involved still exists within each of them.

I often times think that many of the misunderstandings on these boards are due to a difference of how each of us view BDSM, D/s, M/s in our own relationships without taking into consideration of how it works in someone elses. I can see the potential of BDSM sensation play without any emotional/mental D/s M/s involvement. I can also see the potential of the power exchange without the BDSM. Soooooooo, in my opinion the question is going to get alot of answers that may or may not be what you wanted to read.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/27/2006 2:12:14 PM >

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:08:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

If it works for you that's great.  I have no doubt there are people with varying types of interest in this.  There is nothing wrong with being vanilla.  The key, is could you live vanilla in order to be with the person you love?


The answer is I would rather be happy than be right... think that one over

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:11:49 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		 
quote:

know this is an old dog to beat on these forums but it keeps coming up. The actions we do in our daily lives do not need to reflect our dominant or submissive nature and how that plays into our personal relationship. And because we have busy lives that keep us from swinging the paddle every night certainly does not mean that we are a dominant or submissive. Yet I am quite certain that the interpersonal dynamic between the people involved still exists within each of them.


You know LaT, this part of your post reminds me of something my Daddy says often, he refuses to be a life support system for a flogger and refuses to have a submissive that needs that, because for him that would not be pleasing....smiles

I agree, it is just part of the relationship, like whether there is a lot of laughter in your home, or deep spirituality.... it just becomes part of the relationship structure.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:14:25 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Just a question but are you mixing the daily power exchange of the relationship with actual physical BDSM play? I ask because that is the feeling I am getting.

That is the feeling I get too, from the OP and from other posts by him.

If my Master or I were to suddenly for some reason no longer be able to engage with each other sexually, that would not remove the D/s (Dominance/submission) from our relationship.  Our relationship was based on D/s before he ever laid a hand on me.  To me, "vanilla" means I would not be submitting to him, and he would not own me.  So to answer the OP, no, I would not be with someone I could not be enslaved to.  I tried that for a very long time and I was a fish out of water.  I have mentioned this in other threads, too, that I would not be in my current relationship with my Master if I were not submissive to him.  Nor would he have me.

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:18:00 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you Julia and Owned. I am glad that my intent was understood. For me it is a state of mind more so than a physical act thereby not requiring a physical act to create, or more importantly, maintain.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:20:47 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
I'm not talking about this level of D/s.  When I say D/s, I mean the real deal not some artificial sweetener version with fewer calories.
Please explain real D/s to me than because to me it is simply dominance and submission. 

It sounded like you were saying "We're all a little dominant and/or submissive at times and it's in nature and society and everywhere".  True as that is, I think it bastardizes the label D/s to apply it there.  It's like saying we're all just a little gay.  I'm talking about the card carrying, bumper stickered, rainbow triangle earring wearing uber gayness of D/s.  The one that purrs outloud when he sees a hot guy, and couldn't live any other way.   Likewise, I mean someone who is in charge all the time and likes it/is controlled all the time and likes it.  I'm talking about full time versus part time.  Does that help make it clearer?

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:23:00 PM   
ownedgirlie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Thank you Julia and Owned. I am glad that my intent was understood. For me it is a state of mind more so than a physical act thereby not requiring a physical act to create, or more importantly, maintain.

You're welcome, LaTigresse.  In my relationship, the physical act is just one of many ways to express the D/s foundation of our relationship.  Remove it and he is still the Master...and I am still the slave.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:26:28 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

It sounded like you were saying "We're all a little dominant and/or submissive at times and it's in nature and society and everywhere".  True as that is, I think it bastardizes the label D/s to apply it there.  It's like saying we're all just a little gay.  I'm talking about the card carrying, bumper stickered, rainbow triangle earring wearing uber gayness of D/s.  The one that purrs outloud when he sees a hot guy, and couldn't live any other way.   Likewise, I mean someone who is in charge all the time and likes it/is controlled all the time and likes it.  I'm talking about full time versus part time.  Does that help make it clearer?


So who decides who is real or not, who is twue or not.... you?

Is there some sort of Ds measure that people have to have in order to "claim" what they feel they innately are? If people are living away from each other, are they "part time"? If they are both working outside of the home are they "part time"? Do you enjoy evenings out? Do you hug and kiss? Do you hold hands? Do you joke at all? If you do are you "less" submissive or dominant for these things? Can a dominant enjoy an intellectual debate with his sub?

I wonder who makes the criteria of what is dom-like or sub-like?

Edited to add, technically this is a BDSM site, not just a Ds site... I am hoping you know the difference.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/27/2006 2:29:00 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to akbarbarian)
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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:26:34 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I said every relationship has D/s components.   I also said that I personally am dominant all the time in my relationships, as LaT answered in her first misunderstood reply to you, and cannot be the submissive in a relationship.
However I am not the screaming bitch type of leader in a D/s, so if you're more real because of that, who am I to argue?    As Julia asks, where is the meter that makes yours the 100% real and twue?    M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 12/27/2006 2:30:27 PM >

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:27:02 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Just a question but are you mixing the daily power exchange of the relationship with actual physical BDSM play? I ask because that is the feeling I am getting.

That is the feeling I get too, from the OP and from other posts by him.

If my Master or I were to suddenly for some reason no longer be able to engage with each other sexually, that would not remove the D/s (Dominance/submission) from our relationship.  Our relationship was based on D/s before he ever laid a hand on me.  To me, "vanilla" means I would not be submitting to him, and he would not own me.  So to answer the OP, no, I would not be with someone I could not be enslaved to.  I tried that for a very long time and I was a fish out of water.  I have mentioned this in other threads, too, that I would not be in my current relationship with my Master if I were not submissive to him.  Nor would he have me.

I'm not talking about play or sex.  Sexual though I am, I'd almost give up sex to have a really submissive and yielding partner.  I'm not talking about toys or whipping either, though the whippings are nice to express my D/s oriented feelings. 

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:28:40 PM   
MsCece2u


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
Status: offline 		Personally, I could not be happy in a relationship where D/s was not a part of it.  But like many have said I do not have to be swinging a flogger or a paddle every day for it to be a D/s relationship.  My boy understands his role in my life he is the submissive and  I am the Dominant.  We have mutual vanilla interests but even when we are out there is no question about who is who in the relationship and there are no overt actions that need to be done in public to define the dynamic of our relationship.

Though I have to admit the title of thread and the actual question confuse me. 

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Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:32:42 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		AK, well now you have just brought another facet into the discussion. I am a full time lesbian. However I do not do any of those things you mentioned. I don't feel the need to. I am totally comfortable with who I am, I don't care who knows. I just do not feel the need to advertise it. Same with my dominant nature.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:35:21 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
I'm not talking about play or sex.  Sexual though I am, I'd almost give up sex to have a really submissive and yielding partner.  I'm not talking about toys or whipping either, though the whippings are nice to express my D/s oriented feelings. 


Thank you for clarifying this.

(in reply to akbarbarian)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:37:05 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Edited to add, technically this is a BDSM site, not just a Ds site... I am hoping you know the difference.

To me the big difference between BDSM and D/s, is in D/s sometimes pain is not desired by either party.

The twue business belongs in another thread, because this isn't about ego to me and if it is to you then you mistook me looking down on others for their differing desires in this.  It's about compatibility, not what's better.  I'm distinguishing between two, valid levels of depth of participation in D/s.  To me you might be a somewhat different sexual orientation than I am.  Vanilla is valid.  Maximum possible tpe at all times is valid, and less extreme power exchange is valid.  It seems to me that one easy way to figure out where you fall is whether you could do without someone who was yielding all the time/controlling all the time.  Being controlling doesn't mean not living day to day life, it just means living it differently.  It doesn't mean being gagged and chained day and night (well not every day *wink*).

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:40:27 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

AK, well now you have just brought another facet into the discussion. I am a full time lesbian. However I do not do any of those things you mentioned. I don't feel the need to. I am totally comfortable with who I am, I don't care who knows. I just do not feel the need to advertise it. Same with my dominant nature.

I don't think you have to come across like an activist to be what I meant, but it's the easiest way to visualize what I meant as activists are usually the most deeply expressing that part of themselves in every situation they are in. 

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:43:32 PM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I need the idea that I'm calling the shots to bounce back regularly if I send out my sonar, if that makes any sense as an analogy. When there's a dissonance, when I'm being outwardly rebelled against or controlled there are serious problems that prevent relationship health.  But I also am comfortable with toys/pets/whatever who are able to handle a fair amount of self-determination in the details. I don't have an interest in telling you, for example, "yes you may pee now" every time it comes into question, but I do prefer to reserve the right to torture you with having to hold it, if that's giving me shits and giggles at a given moment.



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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:46:28 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

I just feel that the dynamic is a part of who I am, so without it, I can't be myself.  Life is hard enough without denying a part of yourself to thrive every chance it gets.  I think you end upu resenting the other person and that will eventually drive you apart in some way.
 


well said...I second that.  there's a big difference between just living and thriving.

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:52:34 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I'm not submissive but this *type* of relationship is best for me.......with HIM. I can't envisage it happening again.

It's a head decision, not a heart one and not born out of a desire or need to BE submissive.

I probably spend more time being pissed off than I ever did in my marriages because I can't make things how I want them....I don't get my own way anything like as often as I would like. I am happy and content more of the time than I ever have been, though.

I like the simplicity of knowing where I am.....there are *rules of engagement*, so to speak and they never, ever alter. I might not LIKE how it plays out half the time......but that's a small part of the entirety.

agirl






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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:54:44 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

To me the big difference between BDSM and D/s, is in D/s sometimes pain is not desired by either party.

Now see for me - pain, no pain...sex, no sex...."play" no "play"....has little to do with D/s.  D/s in my world is about the power and authority structure. It means he dominates me in all areas of my life, most of which are completely unrelated to BDSM.  Even when engaging in BDSM activities, one can still have pain or no pain - for me, BDSM is merely a physical expression of D/s and nothing more.  Your posts seem to conflict each other and I think that's where some of the confusion comes in.

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RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? - 12/27/2006 2:56:04 PM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

I need the idea that I'm calling the shots to bounce back regularly if I send out my sonar, if that makes any sense as an analogy. When there's a dissonance, when I'm being outwardly rebelled against or controlled there are serious problems that prevent relationship health.  But I also am comfortable with toys/pets/whatever who are able to handle a fair amount of self-determination in the details. I don't have an interest in telling you, for example, "yes you may pee now" every time it comes into question, but I do prefer to reserve the right to torture you with having to hold it, if that's giving me shits and giggles at a given moment.

I do bathroom control and you don't, but I don't think that matters.
(Edited to add wait you to, you just do it differently)
What matters is what control means to you.  If you want that control there, and you exercise it, and send out your sonar regularly, that's a serious desire for control that is probably similar to mine.  If you want that kind of control all the time, and you actually make regular use of it in some way that benefits you, that makes you controlling like me.  I decide on diet, clothes, and I actually get a kick out of micromanaging.  But if others express their domineering nature (it's a synonym for dominance btw) differently but they still value and express it frequently, I can identify with that.  But, is it optional?  Could you give it up for someone you loved?

< Message edited by akbarbarian -- 12/27/2006 3:04:38 PM >

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

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Profile   Post #: 40
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