How do you decide if you are compatible? (Full Version)

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akbarbarian -> How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:26:40 PM)

For me, I've come to realize that for some D/s is optional and for some it's manditory and they can't live and feel fulfilled any other way.  One way to think of it, is could you be with someone you love but where D/s wasn't there?  For me I've found that I can't, and that D/s permiates every part of me and it's not an optional part of my relationships.  For me it's manditory.  How about for others?



LaTigresse -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:35:44 PM)

I could never be the submissive one in a relationship but many of the details of physical play are negotiable.



OedipusRexIt -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:45:31 PM)

Personal preferences being what they are,  mine preclude a vanilla relationship of the heart, mind and body. 

I'm also uninterested in subbing, switching or sharing.

It's a wide world though, and what works for one may not for another.  Trust your self. 

And let the other person trust their self.  If they're not convinced of compatibility, they may be reacting to their own instincts.

It's the whole "square peg/round hole" thing...



akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:50:42 PM)

Yes, but could you be in a vanilla relationship or one where the D/s was on/off or part time?



NaiveTempest -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:53:04 PM)

I've found that I cannot have a totally vanilla relationship. But, I think, if the guy in question is willing to allow/participate in some D/s in the relationship that I could probably be happy with that. Does that make sense? If he participated then would he be a Dom? Awww hell, never mind, lol.



SlaveAkasha -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:53:31 PM)

I wish I could have been happy in a relationship where there wasn't D/s, but thru no fault of either of us, I couldn't. 
 
I just feel that the dynamic is a part of who I am, so without it, I can't be myself.  Life is hard enough without denying a part of yourself to thrive every chance it gets.  I think you end upu resenting the other person and that will eventually drive you apart in some way.
 
That's just the way it is for me.
 
Kasha



MrSirDiscreteOne -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:58:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

For me, I've come to realize that for some D/s is optional and for some it's manditory and they can't live and feel fulfilled any other way.  One way to think of it, is could you be with someone you love but where D/s wasn't there?  For me I've found that I can't, and that D/s permiates every part of me and it's not an optional part of my relationships.  For me it's manditory.  How about for others?


Oh I could not agree more..... so what is it you said?

"Out and proud as a dominant male, United we stand!"



LaTigresse -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 12:58:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

Yes, but could you be in a vanilla relationship or one where the D/s was on/off or part time?


I guess I don't really understand what you are asking. If I am dominant and my partner is submissive then we are all of the time. I don't have a switch in the middle of my back that turns it off.



OedipusRexIt -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:01:31 PM)

Hmmm...  the concept of "part time" would need further explanation. 

Do you mean D/S sex now and then, interspersed with vanilla?  Or interpersonal power exchange on an "on again/off again" basis?  Or something else entirely, perhaps...?

BTW, no thanks to the first one, and we'd need to wrestle over the details of the second one, but it could work, in the right circumstances and with the right person (whomever that might be...)



Serenityy -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:07:25 PM)

Hello akbarbarian
 
If you are referring to D/s as being 'play?", then yes, I can be in a relationship without it. However, I am always submissive; there is no on or off switch.
 
If, on the other hand, you are referring to the actual dynamics of a relationship where one is dominant and one submissive; then no, I need that in a relationship.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:11:02 PM)

I could be happy in a relationship in which we were not in an unchanging authority dynamic- in fact I switch quite regularly with one of my partners who I live with.

I could NOT be happy in a relationship in which there was an expectation of monogamy and I could NOT be happy in a relationship in which I was not allowed to have an authority dynamic with ANYONE.

The benefits of being poly for me is that I've learned I can enjoy all sorts of relationship dynamics simultaneously.  I don't need every partner to be my master  OR my slave- I can have girlfriends, and fuckbuddies, and scene friends, and boyfriends and dominants and so on and so forth.



juliaoceania -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:36:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

For me, I've come to realize that for some D/s is optional and for some it's manditory and they can't live and feel fulfilled any other way.  One way to think of it, is could you be with someone you love but where D/s wasn't there?  For me I've found that I can't, and that D/s permiates every part of me and it's not an optional part of my relationships.  For me it's manditory.  How about for others?


Ds is a label used to describe a dynamic relationship in which power is exchanged in my eyes. The relationship dynamic should not be static, if we label something we define it, perhaps limit it, and I do not want what we share to be limited in that way. This thread reminds me of the thread I recently started, and perhaps that thread spawned this one, and if so that would indeed make me feel good that it contributed to thought!

I want to be fulfilled in my relationship based on the totality of who we are, not this one aspect. He makes me belly laugh, learn, smile, and he brings out my submissive nature. His dominance is a gift to me, just as the rest of him is. If he quit being any part of who he truly is I would feel less fulfilled. If he felt he had to change his nature for me, this would make me unhappy. I want to accept him in his totality, and his dominant nature is a part of that. I chose him for all that he is, intelligent, hard working, motivated, energetic, kind, and funny. If he quit being any of these things I would not be satisfied....



akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:42:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Serenityy
If, on the other hand, you are referring to the actual dynamics of a relationship where one is dominant and one submissive; then no, I need that in a relationship.

This is what I mean.  Some people I've been with in the past are sometimes in the mood, sometimes not.  Some months they are ready to be submissive to me, some months they think they'd like to be vanilla with me.  I can't do that, and I've tried.  One thing I've heard from subs, is the problem of meeting a Dom who is into being dominant at first then the D/s fades from the relationship later on as he loses interest.  The subs in question have bought it up, that it seems like the Dom was mildly interested and wanted a submissive woman but don't actually want to keep a D/s dynamic going 24/7.  Like they just wanted some kinky pussy, not genuine full time D/s.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:43:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I could never be the submissive one in a relationship but many of the details of physical play are negotiable.
Me too!   Hard to explain to people who ask about play when using the word domination though.
To the OP, D/s is ever present in all relationships (definitely mine) in my opinion, so it is simply a matter of whether the couple acknowledges it or not.   M



DiamondOrchid -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:45:21 PM)

I could have a relationship without the Dominance/submissive element, BUT my partner has to enjoy pain. Not all the time, but I can't be sexually satisfied without it... and I have yet to find someone with whom I could be in a fulfilling, permanent, monogomous relationship without any sex. I'm a sadist, and I need a masochist or someone with a high enough pain tolerance to fulfill me.
 
D.



akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:51:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If he quit being any part of who he truly is I would feel less fulfilled. If he felt he had to change his nature for me, this would make me unhappy. I want to accept him in his totality, and his dominant nature is a part of that.

This sounds to me like some women I've met who have husbands who maybe pat them on the ass a couple of times a month, and they settle for that level of D/s even though they crave far more and really aren't that happy living that way.  That mindset seems to want to yield, to submit, and adapt to their nature which is 95% vanilla (though they are sure there is a dominant waiting inside somewhere if only their husband would accept it).

Honestly though, yielding to a vanilla?  That's like trying to come on to a eunich.  If they don't want sex, why try so hard to jerk them off? 



akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:57:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
To the OP, D/s is ever present in all relationships (definitely mine) in my opinion, so it is simply a matter of whether the couple acknowledges it or not.   M

I'm not talking about this level of D/s.  When I say D/s, I mean the real deal not some artificial sweetener version with fewer calories.



juliaoceania -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 1:58:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If he quit being any part of who he truly is I would feel less fulfilled. If he felt he had to change his nature for me, this would make me unhappy. I want to accept him in his totality, and his dominant nature is a part of that.

This sounds to me like some women I've met who have husbands who maybe pat them on the ass a couple of times a month, and they settle for that level of D/s even though they crave far more and really aren't that happy living that way.  That mindset seems to want to yield, to submit, and adapt to their nature which is 95% vanilla (though they are sure there is a dominant waiting inside somewhere if only their husband would accept it).

Honestly though, yielding to a vanilla?  That's like trying to come on to a eunich.  If they don't want sex, why try so hard to jerk them off? 


I am going to ask how many women you have talked this in depth with that are of a taken status about their dissatisfaction with their relationships?

I think you are making a common mistake, you think that yours is the only type of power exchange that could possibly be fulfilling, that your type of relationship is the only one that is twuly Ds, and that anyone that experiences any other sort of relationship structure has something "less than" what you do.

There is nothing wrong with being "vanilla" anyways, nothing shameful in that. Some of the longest lasting relationships and marriages are vanilla ones. I just do not happen to be geared that way. I would not throw rocks at any relationship in which I was happy though, and if at some point I was single again, met someone that made me happy that had not one dominant bone in his body, well joy is not something to reject just because it is not in the form we thought it would take.

I highly doubt when my Daddy reads your post to me he will give a crap what you think of how he dominates me, and so I will let it go




BlkTallFullfig -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 2:05:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
I'm not talking about this level of D/s.  When I say D/s, I mean the real deal not some artificial sweetener version with fewer calories.
Please explain real D/s to me than because to me it is simply dominance and submission.    Apparently you are alluding to intensity and frequency of S/M play?  
I'd suggest minimizing the condescension since you are having difficulty asking your question.    M



akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 2:05:58 PM)

If it works for you that's great.  I have no doubt there are people with varying types of interest in this.  There is nothing wrong with being vanilla.  The key, is could you live vanilla in order to be with the person you love?



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