RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (Full Version)

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adaddysgirl -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 7:23:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
I find it highly illogical to relate BDSM to play and not to D/s. 


And maybe some day, with others explaining how the two differentiate in their relationships...perhaps you will see some logic to it.  This is not a judgement....just a speculation on my part.
 
DG




Zsuzsanna -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 7:31:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

For me, I've come to realize that for some D/s is optional and for some it's manditory and they can't live and feel fulfilled any other way.  One way to think of it, is could you be with someone you love but where D/s wasn't there?  For me I've found that I can't, and that D/s permiates every part of me and it's not an optional part of my relationships.  For me it's manditory.  How about for others?

I have been very unfulfilled not acting on my slave nature. It's denying a very big part of myself. I need it for my life to be what I want/need it to be.



akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/27/2006 11:09:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

If it works for you that's great.  I have no doubt there are people with varying types of interest in this.  There is nothing wrong with being vanilla.  The key, is could you live vanilla in order to be with the person you love?


If i were in a D/s relationship and i loved my partner but the 'D' suddenly turned vanilla, would i be able to stay in the relationship?  Well, i am going to crosspost what i wrote in the other thread julia had started:
 
When i think of myself, i think that i could not continue on in a D/s relationship if my partner so drastically changed that the dominant part was no longer possible or practiced.  i've waited a long, long time for a dominant partner....if that were going to be the case, i might as well start looking for a vanilla guy right now that might be of interest to me.  But i can't because i need the 'D'. 
 
And it isn't just the physical part i'm talking about....like the bdsm and whatnot.  i just couldn't be who i need to be with someone who could not take the lead in the relationship between us (just as a dom may not be able to continue on with a partner who decides to no longer submit).  What good is it to be a sub without a dom or a dom without a sub, regardless of what you name the relationship?

i subsequently posted:

........That is why i really hate to draw definitive conclusions on what i would do in a situation that i am not in/have not been in.  For me, i can only speculate.  If i were in a 5 year relationship (or even 2 year)....maybe i would feel differently.  i guess i can only go by what i feel right at this moment....which might not mean anything under different circumstances.

But at this time, no, i do not feel i could continue on in a D/s dynamic that turned vanilla.
Did that answer your question?  lol

DG


Yes it does.  As for the other posts about the current trend in the way BDSM and D/s are used, in that case I'll tend towards the old term S&M or D/s as I believe that's more accurate in terms of what we are describing since D/s is the middle part of BDSM after all which just confuses the hell out of everyone apparently (me included). 



MasterFireMaam -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 2:05:12 AM)

I don't have to have the dynamic in every relationship that I have (and I don't). However, everyone that is close to me, as a lover would be, would know who I am and what I'm about. Even with friends and family, there are few that I feel that are truly close to me who do not know.

Master Fire



Lashra -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 3:33:30 AM)

I could never be the submissive one in a relationship, I'm far to dominant for that. I could play bottom occasionally in the bedroom. In a vanilla relationship I'd have to be at least equal partner and even with that, I've found it to be difficult as I like to be the one making the decisions. So if I were to get into another vanilla relationship, Id tell him straight away I make the decisions but you do have input and if that doesn't work for you theres the door.

~Lashra



RedSavageSlave -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 5:08:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

Yes, but could you be in a vanilla relationship or one where the D/s was on/off or part time?


I walked away from a marriage to a man I loved very deeply because the D/s kept becoming less and less to the point of it being non existant...so for me..the answer is "no".



twicehappy -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 5:24:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

I'm not talking about play or sex.  Sexual though I am, I'd almost give up sex to have a really submissive and yielding partner.  I'm not talking about toys or whipping either, though the whippings are nice to express my D/s oriented feelings. 


To start with you have now been slapped with the "real and twue" words so at this point i feel the need to say welcome to the boards, here is your flame retardant suit, the firewall has been extended, the bomb shelter is in the basement. Allow me if i may to comment on what i am gathering from your posts on this subject so far, if i am wrong feel free to jump in. I believe the question in the OP was if you could live with a TOTALLY vanilla partner if you were in love. Or if you could stay in a relationship that started out as D/s then turned vanilla.  Do i have it so far? As to your comments on D/s if i am reading you correctly you are not speaking of the sexual or play aspects, you are speaking of the core of a D/s or M/s relationship. To me you are attempting to discuss the constant soul searing bonedeep  submission of one soul to the domination of another. The undercurrent of the power exchange that is always undeniably  present. To those who thinks this precludes joking, laughing, holding hands or loving each other you need to be aware it does not. Nor does it interfere the day to day routines we all go through in the course of our daily lives. But in a D/s partnership that i believe the Op is attempting to describe even the day to day activities are colored and flavored by the D/s dynamic. I tease my pair, i joke with them, there are times that Scooter throws himself on the bed and tells me " i am asleep" which means i can play, touch, kiss and satisfy him in any manner i please. Is any of this vanilla? No, it is by his will that he allows this to me. No matter what activity we are engaged in the power exchange is present, he is ALWAYS  the Master, i am ALWAYS the slave. As to the OP's original question, no i could not be in a vanilla relationship no matter how much i loved. I could not be in a M/s relationship where i did not love either. I need both for a relationship to work.   DISCLAIMER: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of her owner or of the little green men that follow her around all day all day.
 
This post may or may not cite its references or sources.
 
The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw...
 
IMPORTANT: This post is intended for the use of the individual to whom I was responding and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any whining, bitching or taking personally of this post is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social fauxpas.
 
No animals were harmed in the composition of this post, although Benji is authorized to hump your leg and piss on your carpet for taking the contents of afore mentioned post and either embracing it as personal or responding with any sentence containing the words " weal" or " twue" or any other Fuddism for that matter. 
(Mnottertail holding a written grant of exception to this rule).
 
My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked; If you like, I'll trade for one of yours. 
 



Serenityy -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 6:43:08 AM)

Hello akbarbarian
 
 
When I first read your response, I was going to question you about how you defined D/s, but I see that others have already brought that up with you. I do not look at D/s as a play thing but rather as a natural, ongoing dynamic that is between myself and those around me. Even when not in a relationship, I am still submissive. And most that I have come into contact with are still Dominant.
 
You said that you are having trouble finding submissives who wish for that all the time? Perhaps you are looking at the wrong submissives?Or perhaps you are not expressing your desires well enough?
 
Just a thought, I mean no offense by my words.
 



MzMia -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 6:50:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Serenityy
Hello akbarbarian
 
 When I first read your response, I was going to question you about how you defined D/s, but I see that others have already brought that up with you. I do not look at D/s as a play thing but rather as a natural, ongoing dynamic that is between myself and those around me. Even when not in a relationship, I am still submissive. And most that I have come into contact with are still Dominant.
 
You said that you are having trouble finding submissives who wish for that all the time? Perhaps you are looking at the wrong submissives?Or perhaps you are not expressing your desires well enough?
 Just a thought, I mean no offense by my words.
 


***I agree totally***
The more I read on these boards, I see a trend
of many people "settling", rather than being alone.
It makes me happy, that I can enjoy being alone,
while I am not settling. [:D]



agirl -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 7:25:03 AM)

I don't think that I'd be *rocked* by D/s leaving my relationship , per se...If it changed to that degree ( and it's quite a major change)..THAT would be problematic. It would change everything in life as we knew it........it would be a huge sea-change of relating........and I think that would be what would cause a problem.

I follow him because of his character and his personality, not because he hits me......If those things changed, then he just wouldn't be the same person.

agirl







CreativeDominant -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 7:45:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

For me, I've come to realize that for some D/s is optional and for some it's manditory and they can't live and feel fulfilled any other way.  One way to think of it, is could you be with someone you love but where D/s wasn't there?  For me I've found that I can't, and that D/s permiates every part of me and it's not an optional part of my relationships.  For me it's manditory.  How about for others?


Having read your original post, I too was going to question you about what you meant exactly when you were discussing D/s and BDSM.

I look at the two as two distinct entities that are, for me, part of each other and not.  Clear as mud?  I can go for long periods of time without BDSM play...and have.  I cannot go long without D/s.  There are submissive friends of mine who respond to the dominant within me and that "trigger" the dominant in me.  Though it is at a reduced, basic power-exchange level, it is much more satisfying to me than the vanilla interactions I have with my friends.  Not in a way that affects my ability to be friends with vanillas but in a way that lets me know that I could not evolve into a relationship with a vanilla person nor could I be in a relationship with a submissive where the D/s "left".  Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and the cynicism/suspicion/wariness that goes along with it which, in all honesty, if I wasn't as optimistic and willing to give each person their own chance could cause me a lot of trouble.

As someone else noted, I would rather be alone and happy than be with a vanilla who felt that they could dominate the situation when they felt they "needed" to.  I would also rather be alone and happy with myself than be with a submissive woman who was willing to let other things become high enough on her priority list that the D/s became secondary (the "yeah, I know you are the dominant and I am the submissive but right now...with all that is going on...I just do not feel all that submissive and you are going to have to understand" types that let that feeling go on too long without consideration of what they agreed to enter into). 

I am who I am.  I think I am a pretty decent guy, a creative and intelligent soul who happens to be dominant and insists on it in his relationships, a guy that knows how and when and why to build up his partners and his friends and has learned some hard painful lessons.  One of those is "don't ask me for a level that you are not willing to give yourself at the same time".  I won't do it anymore......



cjenny -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 7:47:21 AM)

I don't have the 'wiring' to fall in love with a non Dominant man. Nearly twenty years of vanilla marriage came close to emotionally ruining me & that is one mistake I won't repeat. Every part of my being needs a Dominant partner & lover.
It sure would be easier.... if I could live vanilla.



kyraofMists -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 1:10:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

While a M/s or D/s interaction may be almost invisible to someone outside that interaction it does not mean it isn't there. I see it as an invisible strand that is always there but no less strong or binding. It doesn't need to be visible to exist. Each person involved in this sort of relationship is going to live it a little differently. What those differences are should not ever place one above the other in importance or realness. It is just different.



I agree with this; the three of us just spent two days with his and alandra's families coming over for Christmas and while there were no blatant signs of our relationship structure, he still had all the authority. 

On the other hand, he and I found the experience to be somewhat stressful in that we had to limit our expression of selves and our interactions with each other.  By the end of Christmas day, I found myself just wanting to kneel at his feet.  In the last two days, I have consciously gone to him and asked more questions on what to do; it is a way for me to actively give him the authority in our relationship.

If my relationship with him were to stop having any type of dominant/submissive interactions, it would not last very long.  We would both find it highly stressful and limiting.

Knight's kyra



agirl -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 1:56:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

I don't have the 'wiring' to fall in love with a non Dominant man. Nearly twenty years of vanilla marriage came close to emotionally ruining me & that is one mistake I won't repeat. Every part of my being needs a Dominant partner & lover.
It sure would be easier.... if I could live vanilla.


I have to say that I'd never walk the path of uncertainty again. I don't see that my partners being vanilla was the tricky factor. Crumbs, what is vanilla?

agirl









sophia37 -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 2:20:30 PM)

Im totally in love with someone where there is no D/s. But then again I consider myself the 'vanilla' mascot on this site, even though next to my name is says Im perverted. Who knows, maybe it IS perverted to be 'Vanilla'. lol. 



cjenny -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 2:23:21 PM)

Perverted is the new vanilla?



agirl -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 2:30:36 PM)

I don't know quite how far up the priority scale *I* am........but if I expressed that * You're just going to have to understand*.....he'd thwack me. He'd thwack me until the notion of him having to *put up with something* was re-adjusted.

I agreed that he was in control, in charge......... I *signed up* for it....I can't complain if he ensures it occurs. I wasn't *submissive* in the first place but I can't bitch and moan when I get what I asked for.

Well, I CAN moan and grumble and do, a bit. Freedom is a wonderful thing.

agirl






cjenny -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 2:48:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

I don't have the 'wiring' to fall in love with a non Dominant man. Nearly twenty years of vanilla marriage came close to emotionally ruining me & that is one mistake I won't repeat. Every part of my being needs a Dominant partner & lover.
It sure would be easier.... if I could live vanilla.


I have to say that I'd never walk the path of uncertainty again. I don't see that my partners being vanilla was the tricky factor. Crumbs, what is vanilla?

agirl



I can't tell if you are agreeing or disagreeing [8|] .Vanilla for me was a marriage with absolutely no D/s BDSM S/m or even an ABC.



agirl -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 3:07:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

I don't have the 'wiring' to fall in love with a non Dominant man. Nearly twenty years of vanilla marriage came close to emotionally ruining me & that is one mistake I won't repeat. Every part of my being needs a Dominant partner & lover.
It sure would be easier.... if I could live vanilla.


I have to say that I'd never walk the path of uncertainty again. I don't see that my partners being vanilla was the tricky factor. Crumbs, what is vanilla?

agirl



I can't tell if you are agreeing or disagreeing [8|] .Vanilla for me was a marriage with absolutely no D/s BDSM S/m or even an ABC.


I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing.  What you feel is what you feel. There's no agree/disagree about it.

I'm not sure what *vanilla* actually MEANS to me. The fact that I'm not a *wife*, any longer isn't related to bdsm or D/s.........but I DO think it's related to uncertainty.

agirl





adaddysgirl -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 4:36:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sophia37

Im totally in love with someone where there is no D/s. But then again I consider myself the 'vanilla' mascot on this site, even though next to my name is says Im perverted. Who knows, maybe it IS perverted to be 'Vanilla'. lol. 


sophia,
 
i never realized this [8|]
 
So....do you live vanilla as well....or do you go outside the relationship to get some sort of D/s...or is this too personal of a question?  lol  (Sorry, i did look to your profile for maybe some of these answers but there was no profile).
 
DG



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