RE: How do you decide if you are compatible?

RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (Full Version)

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labsintheriver -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 5:14:55 PM)
I think that BDSM stuff as with other sexual fantasies, go to the heart, mind, body nad soul of who we are. It isn;t just na superficial kink, it is part of our deep psychology, so I'd say it's essential to find someone compatible if one is to be truly fulfilled in this dimension of life.

akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 11:16:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: twicehappy *I believe the question in the OP was if you could live with a TOTALLY* vanilla partner if you were in love. Or if you could stay in a relationship that started out as D/s then turned vanilla. Do i have it so far?** I'm afraid to mince words since people have started giving answers that work lately, but I believe in three states of D/s being. Vanilla, part time or semi casual, full time. The question is could any of us give up some or all of the D/s for love and still be happy and fulfilled.

akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 11:21:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Serenityy You said that you are having trouble finding submissives who wish for that all the time? Perhaps you are looking at the wrong submissives?Or perhaps you are not expressing your desires well enough? I believe that's true, and I'm doing my best to find the best way to express those desires in language that is easy to understand. In the past I looked at the strength and depth of desire for D/s, but neglected to look at the desire or lack of desire for full time tpe, versus submission that comes and goes with changing moods or life situations, especially one that exists outside of sexual arousal.

akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/28/2006 11:23:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra So if I were to get into another vanilla relationship, Id tell him straight away I make the decisions but you do have input and if that doesn't work for you theres the door. That's vanilla? Wow, vanilla got an upgrade.

TypeAsub1 -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/29/2006 1:34:33 AM)
I ask 1 question. 99.5% of people who contact me never answer it correctly. They are immediately dismissed. After that.. I look at how well they write. Did they make many spelling, grammar, punctuation errors. (ok not so much punctuation) I consider their job, education, lifestyle, likes, dislikes.. I find out how many long term friendships they've had. I do not trust people who do not have at least a few friends in their for 15+ years. Hopefully, if the stars are just right... they will have said something in all of this that snaps me to attention. If they have.. we'll start talking about d/s. If they haven't... I move on.

Phoenix2raven -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/29/2006 7:27:41 AM)
I tried to do a vanilla relationship it ended in heart ache. After that it became a requirement that my choices included at least a kink friendly girl. Even when I got that it became difficult because I'm just hard wired into BDSM and its not going to change. Even if I love someone I know myself well enough to know that I wouldnt be happy in a vanilla relationship.

acctonthelook -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/29/2006 6:10:13 PM)
D/s is the requirement interest for me 1st!!! i had a Dom write stating that he wants vanilla 1st then D/s. I cannot stomache the idea of going vanilla ever again. i need to know the relationship is totally based on D/s then if we are compatible and have chemistry in D/s then we explore the outside interests. Even if i did not care for some of the outside interestsm i would need to know their were some common interests to hold the relationship together over time for a long term. i first have to know he is a Master/ Dom and not a fake or player. then i find i naturally want to know every little nuance about him...it's only natural. smiles

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/29/2006 7:35:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: twicehappy quote: ORIGINAL: akbarbarian I'm not talking about play or sex. Sexual though I am, I'd almost give up sex to have a really submissive and yielding partner. I'm not talking about toys or whipping either, though the whippings are nice to express my D/s oriented feelings. To start with you have now been slapped with the "real and twue" words so at this point i feel the need to say welcome to the boards, here is your flame retardant suit, the firewall has been extended, the bomb shelter is in the basement. Allow me if i may to comment on what i am gathering from your posts on this subject so far, if i am wrong feel free to jump in. *I believe the question in the OP was if you could live with a TOTALLY* vanilla partner if you were in love. Or if you could stay in a relationship that started out as D/s then turned vanilla. Do i have it so far? As to your comments on D/s if i am reading you correctly you are not speaking of the sexual or play aspects, you are speaking of the core of a D/s or M/s relationship. To me you are attempting to discuss the constant soul searing bonedeep submission of one soul to the domination of another. The undercurrent of the power exchange that is always undeniably present. To those who thinks this precludes joking, laughing, holding hands or loving each other you need to be aware it does not. Nor does it interfere the day to day routines we all go through in the course of our daily lives. But in a D/s partnership that i believe the Op is attempting to describe even the day to day activities are colored and flavored by the D/s dynamic. I tease my pair, i joke with them, there are times that Scooter throws himself on the bed and tells me " i am asleep" which means i can play, touch, kiss and satisfy him in any manner i please. Is any of this vanilla? No, it is by his will that he allows this to me. No matter what activity we are engaged in the power exchange is present, he is ALWAYS the Master, i am ALWAYS the slave. As to the OP's original question, no i could not be in a vanilla relationship no matter how much i loved. I could not be in a M/s relationship where i did not love either. I need both for a relationship to work. DISCLAIMER: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of her owner or of the little green men that follow her around all day all day. This post may or may not cite its references or sources. The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw... IMPORTANT: This post is intended for the use of the individual to whom I was responding and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any whining, bitching or taking personally of this post is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social fauxpas. No animals were harmed in the composition of this post, although Benji is authorized to hump your leg and piss on your carpet for taking the contents of afore mentioned post and either embracing it as personal or responding with any sentence containing the words " weal" or " twue" or any other Fuddism for that matter. (Mnottertail holding a written grant of exception to this rule). My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked; If you like, I'll trade for one of yours.** ~poking about closet..aha!...found the flame thrower!~...Now I am ready to blast twice happy's disclaimer all to smithereens!..."Ya take your lumps and like it!!!"........[:D]....Tempting

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/29/2006 7:37:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny I don't have the 'wiring' to fall in love with a non Dominant man. Nearly twenty years of vanilla marriage came close to emotionally ruining me & that is one mistake I won't repeat. Every part of my being needs a Dominant partner & lover. It sure would be easier.... if I could live vanilla. Thank You cjenny, you expressed my opinion beautifully!....Tempting

HatesParisHilton -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 8:06:25 PM)
Depends on how far you raise your personal bar and wheteher or not you think celibacy by choice is making yourself a "loser". Women in general have no probs with the latter so now, in my late 30's, neither do I. Fair is fair. That being said - There are 'nilla relationships where the romance/live together stuff is great or nigh perfect and, weill, the nilla sex drives us mad/batty. Then there is the opposite - where thesex is hot as hell bit the other person either can't fulfill emotional/fairplay needs so yes you have volcanic orgasms but you pay for it later ala an emotional hangover akin to drinking 15 vodka shots on an empty stomach. Was the buzz worth it? This applies to women as well as men because frankly a ton of women in the scene are "Borderline Personality Character Disorded" which is great in the initial days but later their disorder forces them to treat you like the devil. That is the nature of the disorder. You can look up a ton on it on google or yahoo and I invite you to and have a laugh over the criteria "redflags" for a woman having this disorder; you'll shake your head at how many people you know like this if you've dated more than 20 people in the past 10 years. That aside, At this stage of my life, am I willing to do nilla? If it's love at first sight and she's as dedicated to a creative arts career and non-disordered, YES. Only if. But considering the amount of Borderlines attractd to the Creative Arts, it leads me to the next bit... Would I demand a woman NOT as stated above to take the spankings/assfuckings as I need to give, need that to be happy with someone who I don't have love at first sight with? yes. I would not put up with a nilla otherwise, life is too short. But what I've just stated has caveats I know from experience: 1: The bulk of women do not define a real spanking as men do. All you need for proof of this is looking at what male subs "take" in porn vs. what women do. Women almost never take "real" spankings by the male definition, they prefer mamby pamby crap like floggers and leather paddles and rarely accept wooden soons and wooden hairbrushes used PROPERLY hard for any significant amount of "swats". No matter what they say in profiles or in e-mail. 2: The bulk of women whom DO take real spankings either post on spanko sites or don't post at all. The hardest/most severe/most "real" spanking I ever gave was to someone whom had never even typed on a keyboard, a chance encounter in a local pub. Sure as hell never identified herself as "sub" or anything else. Apart from her, the only "real" spankee (by my definition) I've encountered never posted/frequented bdsm sites, only a couple of spanko ones, and even then wasn't looking to meet anyone. I was told I was her first meet for such things off the net. If you saw her at the supermarket you'd think she was your local council female bureaucrat and a ball buster. But HER asscheeks and asshole could take more and preferred to take more than the bulk of people I have encountered - online or not - whom state they "need hard spankings and hard anal". But frankly these women are rare no matter how many women post blogs and write fiction about real spanking and male-to-female sodomy/assplay. So, if I had someone "into it" and the relationship went nilla? would I stay? If they were a GOOD emotional partner and I had fallen IN love with them (versus just loving them, big difference) then yes. But I doubt I ever need to ponder that potential crux much. In general people confuse being in love with "I need you and will flip out if you ignore me" as much as people say they need a real spanking and just take love taps with feather-flogger crap. Another problem for me is that I am basically a monog fan. If I had a nilla partner I was in love with whom was tolerant of my seeking to (WOODEN) paddle and assfuck some other woman, AND the other woman was as tolerant of the nilla love partner in return, hell yes I'd try that. Don't think I'll ever have to be concerned over that choicethough, ha ha. So there's my reply. Great topic, thanks for starting it, my best to you and all whom replied, and a happy fulfilled New Year to you all.

akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 10:09:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HatesParisHilton frankly a ton of women in the scene are "Borderline Personality Character Disorded" which is great in the initial days but later their disorder forces them to treat you like the devil. That is the nature of the disorder. You can look up a ton on it on google or yahoo and I invite you to and have a laugh over the criteria "redflags" for a woman having this disorder; you'll shake your head at how many people you know like this if you've dated more than 20 people in the past 10 years. Yes I've been with two. You're absolutely right about the disorder in subs. It's like candy that makes you sick soon afterwards, as a dominant.

BitaTruble -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 10:38:07 PM)
quote: 1: The bulk of women do not define a real spanking as men do. All you need for proof of this is looking at what male subs "take" in porn vs. what women do. Women almost never take "real" spankings by the male definition, they prefer mamby pamby crap like floggers and leather paddles and rarely accept wooden soons and wooden hairbrushes used PROPERLY hard for any significant amount of "swats". No matter what they say in profiles or in e-mail. This just made me laugh. [:D] If I had a dime for every wooden spoon and hairbrush that has been broken by my kevlar ass, I'd open up my own leather shop! On the pain scale though, I'd put wood far below a bullwhip and have yet to run into a piece of wood which has anywhere near the intensity of our steel butt beater or even the hog slapper. (Thinking that I should get one of those for Ownedgirlie's Master.. then she'll 'really' hate me! ::laughs::) Celeste Oh, to answer the OP. Not just no, but hell no. If there is no DS, there is no relationship with me.

ownedgirlie -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 10:45:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble On the pain scale though, I'd put wood far below a bullwhip and have yet to run into a piece of wood which has anywhere near the intensity of our steel butt beater or even the hog slapper. (Thinking that I should get one of those for Ownedgirlie's Master.. then she'll 'really' hate me! ::laughs::) She's baaaaaaaaaaaaack!! Oh and your last "gift" has been destroyed. And I'm still not talking to you.

BitaTruble -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 10:56:26 PM)
quote: She's baaaaaaaaaaaaack!! [:D] quote: Oh and your last "gift" has been destroyed. What!!! How the hell did you manage to destroy a brand new pair of clover clamps in such a short time frame?? Send details and pics to the other side ASAP! [sm=biggrin.gif] (Has several extra pairs so can ship your Master out a new set tomorrow.) quote: And I'm still not talking to you. I love you, too. [8D] Celeste

Firsttime -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 10:59:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha I wish I could have been happy in a relationship where there wasn't D/s, but thru no fault of either of us, I couldn't. I just feel that the dynamic is a part of who I am, so without it, I can't be myself. Life is hard enough without denying a part of yourself to thrive every chance it gets. I think you end upu resenting the other person and that will eventually drive you apart in some way. That's just the way it is for me. Kasha I completly agree with what you said. I am in a marriage right now with a man that will in no way even think about allowing D/s or S&M of any kind. He won't even whisper naughty nothings. We have been together for going on seven years and I have tried with all that I am to fight my desires and needs and it has gotten me nowhere. We are no longer intimate in any way and it feels like we are just two people co existing together instead of sharing a life together. He would make a wonderful husband for a completly vanilla wife but for me he is the epitimy of what I will never settle for again. So I think my answer is a resounding NO. I can not be in a relationship without D/s or S&M being a part of it. That is why I am in the process of filing for a divorce and doing what I should have done to begin with and that is not denying who and what I am and that's a Dominant. Hopefully that wasn't TMI.

ownedgirlie -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 11:00:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble What!!! How the hell did you manage to destroy a brand new pair of clover clamps in such a short time frame?? Send details and pics to the other side ASAP! [sm=biggrin.gif] (Has several extra pairs so can ship your Master out a new set tomorrow.) He left them with me overnight and I had my way with them. quote: I love you, too. [8D] [sm=kiss.gif]

akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 11:10:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Firsttime quote: ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha I wish I could have been happy in a relationship where there wasn't D/s, but thru no fault of either of us, I couldn't. I just feel that the dynamic is a part of who I am, so without it, I can't be myself. Life is hard enough without denying a part of yourself to thrive every chance it gets. I think you end upu resenting the other person and that will eventually drive you apart in some way. That's just the way it is for me. Kasha I completly agree with what you said. I am in a marriage right now with a man that will in no way even think about allowing D/s or S&M of any kind. He won't even whisper naughty nothings. We have been together for going on seven years and I have tried with all that I am to fight my desires and needs and it has gotten me nowhere. We are no longer intimate in any way and it feels like we are just two people co existing together instead of sharing a life together. He would make a wonderful husband for a completly vanilla wife but for me he is the epitimy of what I will never settle for again. So I think my answer is a resounding NO. I can not be in a relationship without D/s or S&M being a part of it. That is why I am in the process of filing for a divorce and doing what I should have done to begin with and that is not denying who and what I am and that's a Dominant. Hopefully that wasn't TMI. What you described happens to way too many of us before we find our way to the realization that you hit on. It's a hard road you've had from the sound of it, and I can identify with it. Thanks for sharing so much. I like the resounding nos, and the hell nos. We need more of them. Hell no, take your vanilla and go! Nothing wrong with it for those it works for, but I like to hear from those who it doesn't with enthusiasm. I want to hear you from the back row!

HatesParisHilton -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 11:19:21 PM)
*"This just made me laugh. [:D] If I had a dime for every wooden spoon and hairbrush that has been broken by my kevlar ass, I'd open up my own leather shop!"* yes, and that's why you are a jem rather than a female poseur sub, which is just as common as poseur dome/top. But still how many women do you know "claiming" to be sub/bottom that can, on their ass, take and enjoy as much and as hard as YOU do? see the difference?

akbarbarian -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 11:22:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HatesParisHilton *"This just made me laugh. [:D] If I had a dime for every wooden spoon and hairbrush that has been broken by my kevlar ass, I'd open up my own leather shop!"* yes, and that's why you are a jem rather than a female poseur sub, which is just as common as poseur dome/top. But still how many women do you know "claiming" to be sub/bottom that can, on their ass, take and enjoy as much and as hard as YOU do? see the difference? I'm not sure what this means. See what difference?

ownedgirlie -> RE: How do you decide if you are compatible? (12/30/2006 11:29:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HatesParisHilton *"This just made me laugh. [:D] If I had a dime for every wooden spoon and hairbrush that has been broken by my kevlar ass, I'd open up my own leather shop!"* yes, and that's why you are a jem rather than a female poseur sub, which is just as common as poseur dome/top. But still how many women do you know "claiming" to be sub/bottom that can, on their ass, take and enjoy as much and as hard as YOU do? see the difference? Whoa, hold the phone there big fella. Are you saying that those of us with wimpier nerve endings are less submissive than those with kevlar asses? And here I thought submission came from within. I know for sure I would not enjoy what Celeste does, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it if I had to, nor does it mean anything about my state of submission. I think you are equating sub with bottom with masochist, which is not necessarily the case.

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