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RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 3:06:15 PM

syreena

Posts: 36
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

First off please don't confuse assertiveness with being bossy. Am i assertive? Absolutely. Am i bossy? Not at all. i think what you are seeing here is the strength of slave yet their submission remains.

As far as the minor things in life - that's why Master and i communicate. i inform Him of the reasons i don't like the green bathroom and why i feel a different color would enhance His Home, as far as the sock thing i explain to Him how that seems disrespectful to me and to His Own House and asked Him for permission to give a solution, if i feel disrespected by someone including His Mother i inform Him and why, etc. However, the ultimate decision of what will happen lies with Him and it's my responsibility to accept it or leave the relationship. That may sound harsh but that's the fact. As far as a slave getting their own way, i choose to submit and choose to be in this relationship, which involves Him - the power exchange is only completed when we both take the responsibility.

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 21

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 3:17:42 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart
I have noticed a paradox from women submissives/slaves in long term relationships. You choose to submit but on the other hand you actually seem pretty assertive even bossy.

I'm definitely assertive and bossy - just not towards him. I'm assertive and bossy towards others for my own purposes or on behalf of him for his purposes. On top of it he's just bossier and more agressive than I am.

quote:

So, you accept that he has the last say in pretty much everything, but you really can't stand that awful green bathroom, his taste in clothes, the fake teak panelling in the living room, leaving socks around, his Mother, the state of the garden. I really don't buy into "he is the master I just have to accept it" because a lot of you seem the sort of women who would want to get their own way at least over small things.

So how does a slave get her own way?

I suck it up and take and accept him for who he is. I don't love his taste in clothing, but he's not a metrosexual and I wasn't looking for a metrosexual.. so I take his clothing tastes for what they are. I'm not going to nag him about it or do weird passive agressive things around the way he is. I knew who he was beforehand and thats the way he is. So basically a slave does not get their own way.

If you want to get your way i'd suggest looking for a more egalitarian structure - like a sadomasochistic relationship or one thats more based on role playing where you have perscribed roles you have during times and then in other times you are equal partners with similar levels of control, power, and authority over each other.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 22

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 3:27:05 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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So, you accept that he has the last say in pretty much everything, but you really can't stand that awful green bathroom, his taste in clothes, the fake teak panelling in the living room, leaving socks around, his Mother, the state of the garden. I really don't buy into "he is the master I just have to accept it" because a lot of you seem the sort of women who would want to get their own way at least over small things.
I really wouldnt sweat the small stuff like this. Apart from maybe the teak panelling Just kidding!!

So how does a slave get her own way?
I dont like the term getting your own way, it sounds really bratty. If it was something important then i would discuss it with my God but he would still have the ultimate yay or nay.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 23

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 3:34:41 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

You say that...*it's the little things that cause problems in any relationship*...

In my experience, those things aren't little.....they are the *face* of BIGGER problems.

I couldn't be bothered with handing someone the *last word* if it meant languishing over stuff like decor.......lol

I'd actually like *my own way* in most situations but I have no idea how to get it in this one........and if I did manage to ..... I'd be the unhappy one.

agirl

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 24

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 4:28:54 PM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I ask.

This Christmas i asked Scooter for a real tree as he and Jewel have an artificial one.

He bought me a live three foot one in a pot. We three also made a trip to Hobby Lobby for special lite weight decorations for it. I have it in my room.

Laundry on the floor, lol, that would be Jewel, so i put a basket where she dropped her clothes. It is not harder for her and keeps the laundry off the floor which drove me nuts.

We talk, if Scooter has decided that is the way it is then i accept that. But he does give me a great deal of leeway in certain areas.

Yes he is the Master but he also wants me to be happy and comfortable as well.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 25

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 5:08:52 PM

Devilslilsister

Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

ditto to Twice

you ask

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i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to twicehappy)

Post #: 26

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 6:10:01 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart

A genuine question from someone who wants to be in a long term D/s relationship but hasn't got there yet.

I have noticed a paradox from women submissives/slaves in long term relationships. You choose to submit but on the other hand you actually seem pretty assertive even bossy. So let's assume that you have taken a lot of care in choosing your master, you have negotiated your hard limits and months or years into the relationship it's pretty much everything that you wanted, BUT not even the perfect master is ever completely perfect and it is the little things that cause problem in any relationship.

So, you accept that he has the last say in pretty much everything, but you really can't stand that awful green bathroom, his taste in clothes, the fake teak panelling in the living room, leaving socks around, his Mother, the state of the garden. I really don't buy into "he is the master I just have to accept it" because a lot of you seem the sort of women who would want to get their own way at least over small things.

So how does a slave get her own way?

By speaking to your master calmly about the things that bother you and simply accepting that his word will, in fact, be the last word on the subject. Then, if he didn't agree with you, you decide if you want to accept it or if it bothers you so much that you want to leave.

Nobody is perfect. You don't go into a relationship, vanilla or BDSM, with a list of things you want to change about a person or their taste. If your master is leaving socks all over the house, you might want to explain to him that his leaving socks all over the place makes it harder for you to perform your cleaning duties. Ask him if he could put them in the laundry basket so that you can get everything done faster. But the bottom line is that is this is also something you have to talk about ahead of time. My dominant and I have decided that if he is doing something that drives me nuts, I shall present it to him in a calm manner and he will consider my opinion. Most of the time he agrees with me that it's something that can be changed. Other times he doesn't.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 27

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 6:43:19 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

So how does a slave get her own way?
By not becoming one.

LOL....Good answer! Probably why i don't identify as one.

As to the OP, it was never the small stuff i cared about....the decor, the socks, the garden, etc. But what i can't abide is a dominant who can't put his foot down when it comes to other people. And that i can't accept.

Examples:

One dom had an ex-wife who was much older than him and rather sickly. After their divorce, she had no intention of finding another partner so she just stayed single. Before i came into the picture, she was calling him almost every day not just to chat, but to ask him to come over and do things around her house. (She had a grown daughter there and an older male 'friend' who lived nearby but she wanted the ex to handle all that.)

Well when i came into the picture, and we made plans for the weekend, she would ultimately call and need him for something. At first, he would just walk around bitching about it. Then he wouldn't answer the phone....but she would just keep calling. i asked him why not just tell her you have plans for the day or something? But for some reason, he just could not. Yes, this just ended up getting to me and although it wasn't the ultimate reason for our break up, it certainly contributed.

And another dom....he had two sons, 17 & 19 who lived with their mother. They played him like a fine violin....asking him for money and having him run around all over god's creation. They both worked but never had any money....and they were two of the most irresponsible kids i've ever come across. And he was another one who would walk around and bitch about it, but just couldn't seem to do anything about it.

i guess the last straw was when the older son called the night before a school paper was due and asked his father if he could go buy a certain book he needed and bring it to him (about an hour away). And to me, he ran out there like a little bitch. An argument between us ensued and that ended the relationship.

i'm not a slave, but i don't expect to get my way all the time (or even most of the time). As i said, i really have never cared about the small stuff but when it comes to a dom i can't respect because of his decisions, then i guess he just isn't the partner for me. So i guess that is mostly what it boils down to, for me anyways.

So is that being bossy?

DG

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 28

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 6:45:13 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

The contrapositive is also often true.

A slave can get her own way by becoming one.

Kinda nice when life can work out both ways.

Ron

Wow Ron - awesome post.

Ditto!

DG

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 29

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 6:53:16 PM

leatherorlace

Posts: 215
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

Hexzactly! lol
Gentry

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

So how does a slave get her own way?
By not becoming one.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 30

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 6:56:59 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart

A genuine question from someone who wants to be in a long term D/s relationship but hasn't got there yet.

I have noticed a paradox from women submissives/slaves in long term relationships. You choose to submit but on the other hand you actually seem pretty assertive even bossy. So let's assume that you have taken a lot of care in choosing your master, you have negotiated your hard limits and months or years into the relationship it's pretty much everything that you wanted, BUT not even the perfect master is ever completely perfect and it is the little things that cause problem in any relationship.

So, you accept that he has the last say in pretty much everything, but you really can't stand that awful green bathroom, his taste in clothes, the fake teak panelling in the living room, leaving socks around, his Mother, the state of the garden. I really don't buy into "he is the master I just have to accept it" because a lot of you seem the sort of women who would want to get their own way at least over small things.

So how does a slave get her own way?

Well - here's where the "what's the difference between a sub and a slave" question gets answered - at least in part. If i wanted my own way i would not have become a slave. i believe a submissive has more leeway in this area but it's still an individual thing. Yet, true - i didn't leave all desires at the local Goodwill - lol. So when i find myself wanting or needing something, i simply ask or beg my Master for it. Then i let go of the result and respect and accept what He decides. Master likes to know what i want and need. Sometimes i get it, sometimes i think He just likes to know what they are so He can administer His control (heh heh). In any event, my ultimate desire is what He wants, so either way i can't really lose.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 31

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 6:57:08 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

in my opinion, that is not quite a fair response (ok, life isn't fair); however, the OP started out saying how new she was, she asked (imo) a very valid question. Personally, i think many 'slaves' at one time or other were not 'slaves', yet were lucky enough to find a Master they wanted to be a slave to.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 32

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 7:15:51 PM

innatedesire

Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

Green Bathroom & Teak paneling: Well first off i would have hoped that at some point prior to living with someone we both would have spent time at each others home. If i felt that he lacked good taste in that area it would be something i negotiated before hand simply because home decorating is a hobby of mine and something i enjoy and am very good at.

Leaving socks around: Well that is what i am there for, to make his life easier so that he does not have to worry about the mundane things. i am a bit of a neat freak and so he will not have to worry about his socks on the floor, dishes,cleaning etc.... .

His tatse in clothes: i take great pride in my appearance and generally find that those i am interested in do as well so it has never been a issue. However as long as he is not wearing striped pants and a flowered print shirt i do not care as long as he is neat and clean. Again if it bothered me that much i would have moved on to someone who better fit, rather than try and make someone change.

His Mom: That is never a easy one; just one thing as long as she is not living with you be thankful. When she is around be the bigger person, be gracious and kind. Always smile before you speak, really take a deep breath, pause and smile when talking to someone who grates on your nerves. When it gets really bad and something or someone frustrates me in my relationship i tend to excuse myself, find someplace private and kneel for a few moments and focus on my Sir and how would he want me to respond.

For me it is not about trying to find a way to get my way; it is about finding a way to cope with things that may frustrate me or challange me. No relationship is perfect.

< Message edited by innatedesire -- 12/28/2006 7:22:10 PM >

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 33

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 7:18:34 PM

TypeAsub1

Posts: 65
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

Someone else wrote this in their blog. I think it's the perfect example.

Generally speaking, you can get most of what you need/want/desire from a dominant if you can bring him to the table on the issue in a respectful, demure fashion by manipulating your own behavior and using your mind and your heart instead of your foot and your mouth

You need only ask - and have a good reason for asking.. and do so in an appropriate way. Yes he may say no. If he does - live with it and move on. That's life.

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 34

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 7:24:33 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavemaia
In any event, my ultimate desire is what He wants, so either way i can't really lose.

SO the reality is that you DO get exactly what you want, just as a submissive does, just a vanilla does.

The joy of consent is that we all get exactly what we choose for ourselves to have.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavemaia)

Post #: 35

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 8:00:43 PM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I have noticed a paradox from women submissives/slaves in long term relationships. You choose to submit but on the other hand you actually seem pretty assertive even bossy.

For me, there is a difference between a submissive and slave, so will give you my point of view as an owner of slaves.

Posting on the forum, my boys can be as bitchy, bossy, and assertive as they feel comfortable being. They know I will read their posts and this might influence what they say, just a little bit. lol

My slaves have been clear, from the beginning, that they are slaves and have no desire to make the decisions regarding themselves or my home. They simply wish to be slaves, devoted to making me comfortable and happy. In return, they are happy that they are allowed to serve.

They are free to express their concerns to me. They may chose to write about them in their journals or to come directly to me, at the established time. If they come to me directly, it is done respectfully and without complaint. I listen carefully and may chose to think over their suggestions or give my decision immediately. I never dismiss what a slave has to say, as I know that it must be very important to me, for them to bring it to my attention. But I make the final decision, in all matters.

I will tell you that if anyone in my home demanded something of me, I would demand them to leave my home. It is my home and I will not tolerate that type of behavior.

So in my home - how does a slave get his own way? He doesn't. He doesn't want his own way, or he wouldn't be a slave.

Mistress Ylwa

_____________________________

Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 36

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 8:02:25 PM

KeirasSecret

Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline

I'm not sure i understand exactly what you are asking here, but I will take it as, you are wondering how one would get their Dom/Master to consider making a change? If I am wrong, my apologies.

If the case were something like, that awful green color in the bathroom gives me a headache when ever I go in there, I would talk to my Dom about it; tell him what was happening; and he would decide if it was in his interest to change the color. If his answer was for me to “deal with it” then I would either learn to adjust to having to see the awful green color or learn to use the bathroom with my eyes shut.

I did not read the other responses; sorry if i repeated what someone else said.

Be well,

_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 37

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 8:09:35 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I think the mark of a smart master/dominant/owner/etc. is knowing when to defer to his/her sub/slave/ and to recognize and put to good use the 'slaves' strengths. If a master would pull rank just to make a point rather than feel secure enough is his/her dominance to step back and give his 'slave' credit where its due, and possibly defer to his/her sub/slave on certain issues, Id see that as weakness and go serve someone with a pink bathroom instead. lol

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 38

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 8:38:42 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart

A genuine question from someone who wants to be in a long term D/s relationship but hasn't got there yet.

I have noticed a paradox from women submissives/slaves in long term relationships. You choose to submit but on the other hand you actually seem pretty assertive even bossy. So let's assume that you have taken a lot of care in choosing your master, you have negotiated your hard limits and months or years into the relationship it's pretty much everything that you wanted, BUT not even the perfect master is ever completely perfect and it is the little things that cause problem in any relationship.

So, you accept that he has the last say in pretty much everything, but you really can't stand that awful green bathroom, his taste in clothes, the fake teak panelling in the living room, leaving socks around, his Mother, the state of the garden. I really don't buy into "he is the master I just have to accept it" because a lot of you seem the sort of women who would want to get their own way at least over small things.

So how does a slave get her own way?

I have not read the other responses....

We are going through the talks about taste as we get to know each other. We have looked at curtains, dishes, bathroom accessories... we have shopped for clothes hangers, organizers... yadda yadda yadda. We do not have the same taste in everything. What to do? I am a great compromiser, and he genuinely wants to hear what I love, like, and absolutely hate. There are very few things that I absolutely hate... and we share the same taste as far as I can tell in what repulses us.

Since he asks my opinion because he values it, I am tremendously compromising when supplying him with a diplomatic solution. So far it is not a big issue. I do not see it in becoming one. I want him to be who he wants to be, dress how he wants to dress, act the way he wants to act, be surrounded by the things he loves. Why? Because I love it when he is pleased by things, I love adding to that pleasure.

Guess what? Both people can get what they want if both have the desire to add to each other's pleasure and joy in life. My new favorite saying is "I would rather be happy than right".

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 39

RE: How does a slave get her own way? - 12/28/2006 10:08:19 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Hello Again,
I thought about this thread a lot today.
I think slaves, as they are indeed humans have the right to have their emotional and physical needs met under a Master.
The way a slave gets what they want is to only become a slave to a compatible Master.
If there's a need and after much council and deliberation it becomes apparent this is not their Master's choice then again they would have no option but to move on.
I also say if a slave's needs are met, but they nag about wants all the time then indeed they are not slaves as their wants are superseding their Masters wants.
Most slaves opportunities to get their way come from their proper mention of their desired thing to their Master and him giving to the slave what they request.
It's not a manipulative or controlling thing.
It's the compassion of the Master toward his slave that ultimately gives and shows a slave her way.
suzanne

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 40

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