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RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:21:04 PM   
LordIncantatore


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		I would absolutely LOVE to stay closer to home, however I doubt that 98% of all the people within 98 miles have even heard of the lifestyle much less have an interest in it. No Cyber anything is not my preference, just apparently a necessity. Besides I love to travel.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:44:32 PM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline



Hi There,




I think at the point these women admit to feeling jealous you should reiterate this is the type of relationship boundaries in place then discuss how they feel.
What their intentions are, actions are, and opinions are may not be to isolate you to themselves. It may be they want this type of relationship but need your guidance in how to process the feelings of jealousy.
Thank them for admitting their uncomfortable, help them learn how to process those emotions in a healthy way without caving in to changing for them, or tell them they are not sticking to the agreement you have and move on.
It sucks you invest so much of yourself before they have the change of heart & show what they really want and are.
Unfortunately the chance we take at happiness is a double edged sword we all have to hold but respect in building new relationships.
On one side you may get tired of trying to find compatible partners, but the alternative is being alone.
The only bright  spot I can point out is at least it isn't just happening to you so you're in good company.

(in reply to LordIncantatore)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:46:23 PM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline
quote:

From a submissive view: I am confused about what you wrote so let me see....


I'm confused about something.  You have made over 5500 posts in just over 8 months?????  Like, 20 posts a day???  Wholly smokes!!  That has got to be some kind of record.


_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:53:31 PM   
maybeican


Posts: 25
Joined: 9/1/2005
Status: offline 		I think you are very confused. Life is full of wonderful things, including the people we interact with. Embrace that and know as you get older, you won't be alone.

_____________________________

Have a wonderfully giving day.

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 24
Lingo - 12/28/2006 10:49:21 PM   
Jamcd


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/26/2006
Status: offline 		I'm confused as to what a poly is?  I know that dom means dominant but as for the other shortened terms you got me.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 25
confused for the first time in my life - 12/28/2006 11:00:43 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Poly means having more than one partner in a commited relationship

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Jamcd)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 11:05:56 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I thought you were talking to them at the same time on chat or on the phone. You know, putting one on hold to talk to the others. I do think that's rude. Sorry if I misunderstood, though. Maybe that isn't what you meant 

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LordIncantatore)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: confused for the first time in my life - 12/28/2006 11:09:45 PM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		Ok well, they may want some thing different to what you want. Essentially though you need to be more then honest, you need to let each one know that you respect her and are there for her, and establish an emotional connection, make sure her needs are meet etc. Dont talk about others to them but also, encourage them to see other people too. Let them know if they want to walk away they can then its their choice and your just enjoying the ride. If your really on about doing the right thing, maybe a contract or whatever, but I think one talk with them is enough to let them know its their choice. Some subs dont want to be anything more then fuck buddies anyway so see where the girl see's herself with you and make sure you take her on that journey no matter how many girls you have. If they get too emotionally attached walk away.


< Message edited by ChaOz -- 12/28/2006 11:13:03 PM >

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: confused for the first time in my life - 12/29/2006 12:31:00 AM   
LordIncantatore


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		Ok as far as chatting with more than one, I set up my yahoo messenger so that they are the only ones on it, or at least that can see me, yes there are times when I chat to more than one at a time on messenger, no I dont place anyone on hold on the phone as I rarely use the phone due to a partial hearing loss it makes it hard sometimes for me to hear most people. I do call them on occassion but yes only one at a time. I also leave any chat room that I may be in when I am talking to them on messenger because I do want to give them my attention.

As far as walking away if they get to emotional, that is eactly what I am trying to avoid. This is my lifestyle choice and I do it because I enjoy it and it is fun. It ceases to be fun if people are going to get hurt, and you know what kind of hurt I mean.

And for being alone as an option, yes I could do that. Hell I could have any number of fuck buddies if that is what I wanted, but I dont. I want something greater than the ominous one night stand, but damn I dont want wedding bells (shivers) either.

I never really thought what I was seeking was so odd, or so difficult to achieve or understand.

(in reply to ChaOz)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 1:20:25 AM   
MrrPete


Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		If you're looking for occaisional play partners, say so. With or without benefits, Say so. NSA, say so.
You'll have much better success, in my opinion, if you stick with ladies no more than 1-2 hours drive.

Get active in the local community in Tyler. There is one if you didn't know


_____________________________

Awrabest,

Mr. Pete

Boycott Citgo

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 7:32:38 AM   
Grlwithboy


Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		I'm freely going to admit, I'm a cake-and-eat-it-too kind of person and I'm looking to add play partners I can care about as humans and may come to love (I like to let things happen or not freely) and I'm looking for female ones. I also have open relationships that go the other way. I don't get pissed about the other relationships *as long as* I am getting what I need in the way of attention/maintenance. Here's some wisdom I've gained over the years - girls - Dom, sub, TG or otherwise -- need maintaining. Some in smaller doses than others, but eventually, the emotional component will need watering and feeding, even if you think you did enough of it because you did it LAST month...:)

I admit I was really pissed at one play partner in paritcular whose online overtures to a distant CD sub were floating in the wheaties of our daily touch-base conversations. Not because the girl existed, but because I wasn't getting what I required - this was smoothed over and fixed well enough via me saying point blank "Um, focus, required here, thank you." (I'm sure there are proper sub ways to communicate same, but I'm not in that position, it makes it easier in some ways, harder in others - do you just use your power position and swing it around, or do you try and foster mutual happiness in rational compromise? I chose the latter in this case.)

The play partner in question did what was needed - he didn't say "oh I'm ditching on her" or anything in regard to that relationship he said "I hear you, your point is valid, I am listening to you, I love you as ever" and furthermore backed up those words with attentive actions. I felt secure and cherished, he was freer to do what he wanted to do, everyone's happy.

If you can't manage the competing requirements of IM chats, you are not going to be able to manage the competing requirements of relationships with multiple people - if you only see the accusation part of a jealous reaction and not what a jealous reaction is asking for (and it may be reasonable attentive action and "make me feel wanted and special for a few moments") you are not going to be able to handle the competing requirements of open relationships.

Also, as Lotus brought up, I know there are open rels. that only are open one way and still work -- but for the LIFE of me I don't know how.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 8:19:07 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

To the OP: It looks to me like the girls aren't jealous of each other, they are upset that you are trying to juggle more of them then you can keep up with. If you can only handle two, then limit yourself. If I were looking for a poly partner then I wouldn't enjoy constently being told "Sorry I'm slow, I'm talking with the other girls as well." Evidently, you can't keep up with three (or whatever number) of IM conversations at one time. So admit it and say "Sorry, I'm already full up, but I'll call you later". Being a poly sub doesn't mean you can no longer want quality time after all.


To OP-  I need to say, with all respect and sincerity..   This is not a put-down but a glaring reality I see in your plan.  You are probably a very nice guy.
 
It appears to me that you don't really know women.  You know you like to fuck them.. but that's about it  (or so it is coming across to me).  WHY do you even want to collect them in them name of BDSM?  Women are not pack animals.  They will try.. but eventually you have to deal with the alpha slave bit and such.  You are offering nothing except the occasional booty call.
 
 I would suggest you go the swinger route.  They do kink also.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 8:37:38 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas

quote:

From a submissive view: I am confused about what you wrote so let me see....


I'm confused about something.  You have made over 5500 posts in just over 8 months?????  Like, 20 posts a day???  Wholly smokes!!  That has got to be some kind of record.



No it isn't.. there are some that have beaten me damn it!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 9:14:12 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline 		LI,
 
i just read your profile and it says you are looking to train submissives 'in your ways'.  But from what you are saying here, it seems like there might be  more qualifiers to add to make it clearer to others on what you are seeking.
 
First, are you looking for others to actually live with you?  If not, then make it clear that they will be seen on an as need basis (or whatever schedule you are planning).
 
Make it clear to them that you will also be seeing others in the same capacity, have no intention of a LTR, nor falling in love (although you will care for them while involved with them).
 
And as far as using the term casual...well, although it can mean a one night stand, there are many here who engage casually with others and it doesn't mean a one night stand.  Some might get together weekly....some when they go to a dungeon...some as time permits....some whenever the other person is coming through town, etc.  Those are all casual meetings with no intent of anything more than that. 
 
If you want a bunch of subs to train, entertain, top, whatever....to see whenever you can work it out with them...then just be as clear with that as possible so no one is dismayed in the end.  i have seen others use the terms 'casual relationship', 'play partners', and 'fuck buddies' when they weren't looking for something that involved love, commitment, LT, or live-in.  Does that kinda sound like what you are looking for?  In the end, the clearer you can be, the less problem you'll have with these misunderstandings.
 
Good luck with it all.
 
Daddysgirl

(in reply to LordIncantatore)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 9:17:38 AM   
LordIncantatore


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		Well I must admit that I did not expect such a wide variety of responses ranging from one extreme to the other. Again I thank everyone for their time and opinions. I am a bit surprised that noone seems to quite grasp the concept of what I seek. Maybe it doesnt exsist? Maybe it is a completely new concept and just awaits to be discovered, afterall someone somewhere had to discover BDSM at some point. I will say that the overall negative feelings in some of the responses surprised me a bit. It was always my experience that people in the alternate lifestyles were some of the least judgmental of all. I have been told, that I am unfair, rude, a player (for lack of a better term), I want my cake and eat it too, and that I dont know women except how to fuck them. I shall continue on my quest to seek that which I desire, maybe time will prove them right, maybe it wont.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 9:19:07 AM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		Perhaps the problem lies within the sub's heart ... which ... is not really a problem, but a deep desire to be as special to you as you are to her (multiple "hers" in this case). It takes deep introspection on the part of the sub to determine if she is, indeed, willing (and happy) to share you. It is a different mindset and it sometimes cannot be achieved, even though you have been honest from the start.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 9:22:45 AM   
LordIncantatore


Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		Daddysgirl, thank you and I do see your point, originally I thought it was clear but I will rework that. Again Thank you.
MmakeMme, I completely sgree that it takes a rare and special woman to be compatible with what I seek.

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 10:20:11 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordIncantatore

Well I must admit that I did not expect such a wide variety of responses ranging from one extreme to the other. Again I thank everyone for their time and opinions. I am a bit surprised that noone seems to quite grasp the concept of what I seek. Maybe it doesnt exsist? Maybe it is a completely new concept and just awaits to be discovered, afterall someone somewhere had to discover BDSM at some point. I will say that the overall negative feelings in some of the responses surprised me a bit. It was always my experience that people in the alternate lifestyles were some of the least judgmental of all. I have been told, that I am unfair, rude, a player (for lack of a better term), I want my cake and eat it too, and that I dont know women except how to fuck them. I shall continue on my quest to seek that which I desire, maybe time will prove them right, maybe it wont.


I do not know you at all, I have no judgment about what you seek, I just made observations about how many women feel about things and maybe confused about what you want.... which seems to be part of the question that you posed.

Perhaps some of the commentary refers to talking to many women simultaneously, which could be perceived as rude by some people. Personally speaking if I thought that someone was talking to several women at the same time they were talking to me I would lose interest pretty quickly. I am not "judging" you, I am just stating how I would feel if I was on the receiving end of that sort of interaction.

Instead of looking at the negative in the responses, it might be more productive if you look for the positive in them. I think that you could incorporate some of the advice into your interactions, make the people you interact with feel more valued if you interacted exclusively with one person for whatever set period of time that you have allotted them.

It is all in how you choose to take the words people post to you, take what you need and leave the rest. I think many people have given you heart felt advice. It is up to you what you want to focus on.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LordIncantatore)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 11:32:01 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		If I could paraphrase what you are talking about, this is what I think you are wanting. Several women to have deeply intimate, part time BDSM relationships with. That is, whatever one you are with at the time, you would love her and treat her as someone special in your life, and that stops when she leaves; starts up again when she is back with you.

Men are more comfortable with this kind of relationship than women are. It would be different if you wanted multiple play partners, as there would be no intimate relationship involved. You are going to have a hard time finding women who are willing to be in part time intimate relationships; mostly they are not wired that way. Not saying it is impossible, just quite difficult.

But I think the primary reason you are getting grief is that you are not abiding by your own rules. When you are "with" one woman online, she is supposed to be the total focus of your attention. You are not giving them that by emailing with several of them at once. Hence their frustration with you, which you are interpreting as jealousy.

(in reply to LordIncantatore)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/29/2006 11:58:14 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas
I'm confused about something.  You have made over 5500 posts in just over 8 months?????  Like, 20 posts a day???  Wholly smokes!!  That has got to be some kind of record.

Aw cmon, I am sure I do far more than that.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 40
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