julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Communication is a wonderful thing. That's not a difficult thing to deny. However, I believe the problem arises when it ceases to be an obvious relationship tool and becomes a relationship bludgeon.
That's really my issue with the hue and call of "I must be allowed to communicate!!" and the presumption that if a dominant refuses to accept all forms of "communication" then he is somehow suspect or demanding to be held less accountable than otherwise might be expected.
In these forums and elsewhere frankly, there seems to be this presumption that a submissive should be allowed to say what, when, how and if he or she wants with amazing impunity under the guise of "need." There is rarely any thought as to how that "need" is presented or if it's even really a need. And then, when the need is somehow not addressed by the dominant, he or she is accused of "not communicating."
In strict academic terms, part of communication is understanding how the message is received by the intended audience. People are actually taught how to address specific individuals and groups of people for the greatest amount of success. This suggests to me that in even our day to day interactions and relationships, there should be significant thought given to how our messages are received and what we are really doing when we are "communicating."
In any relationship, whether it's vanilla or D/s or anything else, there are limits placed on what we can say and how we can say it. At work, we don't lace our conversations with our bosses with demands and disrespect. Even if we don't like them, we make darn sure our communication attempts follow some sort of decorum. If we don't our jobs are at risk. In our more intimate relationships, the same thing holds true, but more often than not, we tend to forget this or ignore it or think it shouldn't matter. After all, "I'm trying to communicate!" and "We're in a relationship. I should be able to say what I want to you!"
I for one, don't believe this is true. A relationship gives us all sorts of inside information on our significant other. We learn pretty early on which buttons to push, and more often than not, under the guise of communication, we tend to push those buttons at will. That's not communication. That's manipulation. And that's the stuff that can cause what we're really after - communication - to break down.
In our relationship, I have lots of limits on how I can say things, when I can say things and even what I can say. I can tell him how I feel. If he says we're done with a conversation for now, then we're done with it. I can't make demands or give ultimatums. In real terms, this means I can say "I am really hurting because ______" I can't say "You have made me feel this way." I can say "I'm really angry because this is what we talked about and that is what happened" I can't say "You ______, you did this and I'm so angry about that." I can say "We haven't played in a while and I'm wondering if there's anything wrong" I can't say "I need you to beat my ass" and have any reasonable expectations that it'll happen.
Now, admittedly, I have a VERY hard-nosed (and I say that lovingly) Master to serve. He is NOT the kind of person that just because I say something, he'll deliver. If I do ask specifically for something rather than simply telling him how I feel, chances are it's not going to happen. And oh my gosh! Before I make a demand, I'd better be darn sure of what I'm saying because demands are the quickest way for this relationship to end.
Just because 9 out of 10 people in these forums, and in my real life friendships can address their dominants in a certain fashion, doesn't mean I can address the person I serve in that same manner. And just because I can't, doesn't mean that what we're doing isn't communication. It's just our form of it. He is the audience I'm addressing, not the 9 out of 10, and it just seems to make sense that if I am addressing him, then I should be addressing him in the manner that works best for him.
And all of that doesn't EVEN begin to address the fact that people have different mindsets regarding D/s and what D/s means in their lives. In our relationship, and frankly, in my life, D/s is pretty important. I didn't go looking for someone who would be dominant most of the time. I didn't go looking for someone who would dominate in the bedroom only. I went looking for someone with a dominant personality. I wanted him to be in charge. When I was looking for someone, I wanted to be able to structure how I dealt with that person in such a manner that he was definitely in charge at all times - not just when I didn't have a beef with what he was doing.
So, it stands to reason that when I communicate, it's going to be from the point of view that he's in charge. This means I don't make demands - he does. This means I don't make decisions - he does. This means I don't choose how I'm going to talk to him. He does. Anything else, for me, is an abbrogation of my submission and that's something I won't do. It also doesn't mean I CAN'T do any of these things - as if I were weak in those areas. It means I cede control. I cede the right to do these things. And know what? I can do that and STILL communicate.
I think the biggest problem when people cry "I can't communicate" is that in large part, they simply don't know how and haven't taken the time to consider just what constitutes communication with their intended audience. Certainly, this too ought to be one of those topics of consideration when entering into a relationship, although, by it's nature, is one of those topics whose consideration occurs on down the road - when things reach a point of difficulty. Unfortunately, what usually happens is people cry "I can't communicate" when they should be looking for how to communicate best with that given person.
And if they've searched ways to get said what needs to be said and nothing works - then possibly what they have really is an inability to communicate with that other person, but often, what I see is simply an unwillingness to structure communication to the individual rather than demanding that the individual just accept the other person's demand that they communicate in a certain fashion. To me, that's not communication. That's laziness, and well, you reap what you sow.
juliet
edited to add that I was replying to LA, not MasterFireMaam's post.
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/30/2006 12:36:11 AM >
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Communication & Accountability - 
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eons ago, people would always say something to the effect of how great it was because of the openness and honesty of the dynamic. Took me some time before I realized that the dynamic of a D/s relationship is no different then any vanilla relationship. All relationships need open, honest communication to succeed and accountability comes into play, soorer or later.
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