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RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 2:08:25 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I've been there, done that, and had some nervous moments wondering what in the world was going on. I'm a different kind of person in that I'll maintain my silence and pick apart the evening until I unearth what might have been a valid lesson for me to learn from it all - even if that was not his point.

We went to a different kind of party once (ok, often) - it wasn't a bdsm oriented party and I was very much out of my element, not knowing what was and was not expected of me. That time, he left me sitting on my own while he went and mingled up a storm. And let me say those he mingled with were all female, and seemingly so free and happy-go-lightly with their interactions, so it was another difficult time as I kept wondering if I was good enough.

I kept quiet - probably not the best move possible, but one in keeping with who I am. And I did so for an entire week, tearing myself up inside the whole time. By the end of the week though, it FINALLY occurred to me that he never was really leaving me alone. He was still in the room and the few times I did get up to get something to drink, etc, he was right there looking for me. By the time I finally spoke to him about it, instead of having to relate all the woe is me issues my head was playing on me, I just asked him if in the future at those kinds of parties, was I free to mingle and meet others the way he was. He was shocked when he heard this because it honestly never occurred to him that I was uncomfortable. While he knows I'm shyer, it really didn't occur to him that it had been difficult for me. He told me then how he thought about the whole situation so that in the future, I'd be better able to handle it. And that was that.

I suppose, if I'd spoken to him earlier, it'd have been resolved earlier, but like you, I was too upset to  bring it up, and I had to wait until I'd sorted a lot of it out in my head first.

Recently, we were at dinner and in the course of our conversation, he said "you know I'm an introvert don't you?" I said that I knew and I just presumed he knew I was as well, never knowing how to really make small talk with people I don't know. It astounded him that I seemed to know this about him since most people think he's not, and it astounded him that I considered myself to be one as well. He pointed out that every time we go places, I find people to talk to and seem to know many people, so it never occurred to him that I was like that.When I said that I do, but those people are usually people I already know, it was like everything clicked into place for him. I just smiled and said yep...two halves of the same apple (a comment he made to me about us a long time ago)

Sometimes even the obvious escapes those who care for us the most.

juliet

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 2:18:01 PM   
gretchenS


Posts: 237
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MmakeMme

This hasn't been covered here yet, so let me point out something my therapist pointed out to me.

Just because He did something that made you see Him in a whole different light does NOT mean He is a different person. He is just not the person you made Him to be in your mind (and I realize this may be with His help in building this image of Him). He has always been the person He is now - it is merely your perception that has changed.



That was my point actually, however, she has to talk it out of her system to find relief too.

The other thing is Magik's, you don't have to drink to loose yourself up, that depends on you entirely. I know being shy sucks in those cases (that's why I suggested the beer thing... I've being there), and you have to try to get rid of that and stop depending on your Master to have fun. Maybe that's why he went and mingle, so you can have fun by yourself. Is not fair for you to depend on him that much... Don't feel sad for something that looked weird or uncomfortable. Change the perspective of things.

edited to say - Maybe you should suggest a re-negotiation about the drinking thing... I mean... It was a New Years party for fuck's sake... loose it up, girl!


< Message edited by gretchenS -- 1/1/2007 2:23:15 PM >

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 2:35:06 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Had you  left your post simply 
quote:

that is something we have talked about again not an issue.
instead of adding this excuse
quote:

He hasnt even been on long enough to put me in the profile

I would not have commented on it.




_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 2:59:47 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Ok well you wana hash out Masters profile do so with him... I do not controll that so really brining it to me does nothing but frustrate me.

A friend did bring to light that he happend to have been drinking and such and there for probubly was not seeing things as I was even if outwordly he reallying didnt seem drunk he still wasnt nearly as clear as I was in seeing thing and still was impared.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 3:12:41 PM   
angharad


Posts: 229
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		Why would it be so bad to say 'Master there has been something distressing me, I may very well be upset and cry and I don't want to, but who else can I come to but you?' 

You have a problem you can't sort out on your own, why not take it to him. 

best wishes MagiksSlave

angharad

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 3:28:22 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Ok well you wana hash out Masters profile do so with him...

Magik,  It isn't your Masters profile that I wanted to respond too (don't care about the profile) it was what you wrote.

I was trying to point out had you not typed in
quote:

He hasnt even been on long enough to put me in the profile
a comment which appears to be un true I would not have replied in the first place.

hopefully you two will reslove New Years

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 4:13:44 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I am shy too and would have had difficulty with a night like that myself.  It sounds like you handled yourself well tho.  As for the rest i think you really need to let him know your feelings instead of hiding from them.  Not speaking up will only make the hurt fester and eventually poison the relationship completely.  Speaking up might as well but if it does it is better to know it now than 2 years from now.  If your values and your masters are that different they also need to be discussed.  Good luck and may you find peace.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to BDSM05478)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 4:29:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to go on a slight different track and suggest that you keep perspective- this is ONE BAD NIGHT.

Is your relationship so bad that ONE BAD NIGHT will cause it all to come into question and crashing down?  If so, then you've got far more issues than a cyber thread can help you with right now.

I actually had nearly this exact same thing happen at a Halloween party- it was even of my own making!  I don't drink alcohol, but we were with lots of friends who were drinking and I know my partner enjoys a buzz, and wanted to see him get out there and enjoy himself.  Well he did, and I ended up feeling pretty much on the sidelines, driving him home with him babbling on and on about how great it was and how he wished I'd be feeling what he felt.

So we got home, slept (because you DON'T try and work it out right then) and the next afternoon we had a long serious talk about it.  Turns out, he'd thought we'd decided that that party would be HIS night to just let loose and the next party would be MY turn.  My problem was that my personal baggage has me ALWAYS being "the responsible one" whilc everyone else goes out to play and it cropped up and slapped me in the face and I projected it onto him.

Once we got that cleared up and I let my frustration tears out- we were right as rain.  Next party?  I was able to enjoy some really great highs of my own while he stayed sober and was the responsible one.  Followed up on his promises with his actions.

So I suggest you do the same.  Wait until you've gone through it in your head, calmed down, and then you two sit down and talk about what happened, why it happened, how it made you feel, what you expected and what you should expect for the future.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 4:43:45 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Ok well you wana hash out Masters profile do so with him... I do not controll that so really brining it to me does nothing but frustrate me.

A friend did bring to light that he happend to have been drinking and such and there for probubly was not seeing things as I was even if outwordly he reallying didnt seem drunk he still wasnt nearly as clear as I was in seeing thing and still was impared.

Magik's slave


Aaaah when Masters drink <giggles>  In the two years that i have known my Master - i have only seen him drunk once.  <smiles> and i still give him shit about it.    We were at a friends house and all he cared about was ALL the other women running around.  He did end up laying out in the street with his head resting on a curb.  Asking me to go fetch this girl, he didnt even know because he wanted to cuddle with her.  Never mind the girl that had been by his side all night, tending him.  It was very upsetting and if i didnt have a nice guy hanging out helping me and just being there - i prolly would of ended up kicking my Master.  (atleast i would of imagined it a million times)  Even though i was hurt i ended up sleeping outside with Master as i could not convince or move him inside. 

<chuckles>  They are human, very human.  Not perfect creatures and they can act like assholes too.  They can be inconsiderate and they can be self centered and they at times cant see the trees despite the forest.  He was drunk, acted poorly and i was hurt because of it.  Shit happens. 

There have been other times when we have gone out where its like i literally become non exsistant in a group full of strangers.  It hurts to be suddenly invisible.  Thing is, it doesnt occur to him (or it used to not)  He gets caught up sometimes.  Dont we all? 

We all act like an ass, arent perfect, screw up, get caught up, and dont think at times.  Masters/Mistresses and Doms alike are human.  Neither are subs/slaves.  Tell me - have you never done anything to hurt another?  Never upset your Master? 

Shit happens = )

< Message edited by Devilslilsister -- 1/1/2007 4:47:48 PM >

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 4:47:12 PM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gretchenS

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmakeMme

This hasn't been covered here yet, so let me point out something my therapist pointed out to me.

Just because He did something that made you see Him in a whole different light does NOT mean He is a different person. He is just not the person you made Him to be in your mind (and I realize this may be with His help in building this image of Him). He has always been the person He is now - it is merely your perception that has changed.



That was my point actually, however, she has to talk it out of her system to find relief too.


Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

It depends on what she's comfortable with.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to gretchenS)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 5:44:20 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I think you two just had a bad time. It happens. Doesn't mean anyone has changed. I am not sure if your anxiety level was skyrocketed and it compounded things.  I am sorry you were hurt. As soon as you can express your feelings with him and get it out and taken care of. Good luck to you both.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 5:59:34 PM   
slurppuppy


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/1/2006
Status: offline 		One Dom i was involved with for 8 months didn't put me in his profile either.  It made it way easier for him to troll the newbies.

I found out the hard way.

Your Master's profile does say his romantic life is more full of drama than fun lately.  *shrug*

Not my business to say...good luck with resolving your conflict.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 6:41:07 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		LA yes this is the first time something of this nature has come up and no it isnt the end of the relationship I just needed to vent a little here and get some feedback as we all do sometimes.

Devils you are right we are all human... he wasnt to happy with some of the things that happend last night eather as far as I was conserned... I guess I spoke my opinion a little to loudly for his friends likeing... they where all drunk anyway so I dont think it really matters though I do feel rather unhappy all around. While I didnt agree with what they did I didnt want to make Masters friends dislike me eather but thats another tail for another thread!!(me and Master talked a little till my phone died but he said he would be online soon anyway)

Puppy... that isnt the reason he has left me out and I know of the drama in his love life and that has nothing to do with me.. lets just say Master has never been the one to be lucky in love.

Magik's slave



_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to slurppuppy)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 9:32:52 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP..well IMO, it is possible he simply wanted to be free to mingle and enjoy rather than have someone clinging onto him..Possibly if you had gone on and forced yourself to mingle and converse even being shy...then he may of made note of this. and #1 possibly been proud of your strength as he knows you are shy or #2 come about to you to reassert his ownership.But you know hindsight is 20/20...Now you know and thus will be better prepared for another social outing in the future......Tempting

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 9:37:09 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		heh Im pretty sure Master wont be takeing me out again anytime soon if ever again

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 9:55:32 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		As a slave, there are few things more distressful than feeling hurt and being angry with my Master.  I understand your reluctance to talk yet, especially when you are in such an emotional place.  When I am feeling hurt, and then become angry with my Master, I am feeling most "unslave like".  I am in a place where I am at risk of expressing something in a demanding, or criticizing manner.  In short, I am at risk of stepping too far out of my slave mindset, and that is an extremely painful thing for me.  The few times I've done that, although my comments may have been mild, I have experienced such an intense sense of failure that it takes time to recover from it.  I understand your struggle, because when I've been in that place of hurt and anger, I don't trust myself and I fear saying something that will make things worse.

I have a journal that he reads, and I've kept it since we've been together.  His rule with the journal is that it is my safe place, the one place where I have the freedom to express whatever I please.  I so value that as a communication tool because writing forces one to slow down...you can see your words, and can change and edit harsher words into something more respectful.  But more importantly, it allows you the freedom to express your hurt and anger, gives him the time to read and reflect on his response, and by the time you discuss it, you are both emotionally prepared and open to the other.  Perhaps that might be something you could start doing...keeping a journal that he reads regularly.   It would help him as well, since it would give him time to reflect on his behavior, on your feelings, and allow him time to decide how he might address the situation.. 

Good luck.  Either way, I do believe it would be a mistake to try to stuff your feelings.  Even if you feel you are too emotional right now to talk, perhaps once you have calmed you can bring yourself to address the issue with him.     

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 10:37:54 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Why ya say that?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

heh Im pretty sure Master wont be takeing me out again anytime soon if ever again

Magik's slave

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/1/2007 11:30:18 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

heh Im pretty sure Master wont be takeing me out again anytime soon if ever again

Magik's slave


LOL - thats what i always thought too.  I have a bad tendencies to pull some crazy stuff when i go out and about.  Not that its my intention.. but ohhhh what fun i had.  No matter whether i was slapping bar owners, beating on unsuspecting men, getting chased by security and potentially being thrown out, argueing with other men about why their girls should come home with me, or being absolutetly drunk.. i think the thing that pissed Master off was when i would just randomly disappear.  The last time, i found him the next day and he had had it.  To sum it up i am an absolute terror (atleast i'm told) out having fun

You'd think Master would have stopped taking me out.  Either that or be done with me.  Oh nooooo.. he just changed the rules.  I also had to earn the right to drink again.  (Not that he'd ever let me hold a bottle of Cpt Morgan, but at his discretion he allows me at times)

but you would think.......  you would definetly think that my Master would of been done with me or atleast been done with taking me out and at the very least completely done with allowing me around alcohol. 

So you may think that every thing is terrible now and you'll be in the dog house (or vise versa), but things will bounce back with a few more rules in place.  Things will change to accomodate his desire and he will most likely do things different so the outcome isnt the same. 

Call it a growth spurt


< Message edited by Devilslilsister -- 1/1/2007 11:34:37 PM >

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 4:54:57 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		You may want to explore how you can overcome your insecurities and work on that.  Perhaps, your Master took the opportunity to socialize with others and his behavior was nothing more than needing his own space for a bit and he failed to make his feelings known.  Why would that be so hard to accept that he needed a break?  Why would you feel rejected by that?  Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with you, and you could be assuming too much?  We all have needs but could you be trying to control his behavour through manipulation using your shyness? 

Your happiness is your responsibility, not your Master's or anyone else's.  If you are shy and it's not working for you, empower yourself to make changes.  Ask your Master to assist you in becoming more independent.  You may also look into building your self-esteem so you'll not be so prone to feeling rejected.  Maybe focus more on other's needs so you can step outside yourself in a healthy manner by volunteering your time and service to those more needy than yourself.

My intention here is not to offend you but suggest some alternatives you may not have considered.  For myself, I know I need my personal space more than most, something my submissive is finally getting used to after dealing with her insecurities and feelings of rejection.  She's coming to realize that my need for personal space isn't the same as rejecting her and if I see she is having a difficult time, I remind her, "It's not about you." (on more levels than one )

Best Wishes,
LBO


(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 6:14:49 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		If it's really a morals and values clash (incident not mentioned) then there's no advice or opinions anyone can share that are going to really help you.  Speaking from experience, i  compromised once in a relationship and it seemed or appeared that everything would work out and i could deal with it, but down the road, eventually, i payed dearly for it. 

i have one question, and i hope it's not interpreted the wrong way, but if it was "his perogative" to keep you out of his profile etc.... why not chalk up the nights experience to it being "his perogative" to mingle and let you be on your own for the night? 

You really do need to talk with him openly though, the longer you delay the harder it will be. Why go through all that anxiety by delaying it??  Hope you feel better about things soon

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 60
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