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RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 7:02:39 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

Try and step out of yourself for a moment and ask yourself why he left you.  Maybe it was supposed to be a learning experience for you.  Maybe he was trying to help you break free abit of your shyness.  There are TONS of reasons and you cant only think of the negative ones. 

Have you asked him?

The second question is hard.    My MO is to draw into myself, throw up a few walls and ignore whatever it is.  Master's MO is to notice the change in me and gets me talking.  Sometimes he does not and he just literally holds me until i can become accepting of it again.  Although, if he lets me brood long enough (yet not too long) and depending on how sad i am - i have at times just gone and climbed into his lap, telling him.

Sometimes no matter what he does, i will keep my walls up and withdraw.  It can go on for weeks, literally becoming worse. 

Yet, i have noticed in the time Master and i have been together - that no matter what happens or what it is and no matter how devastated i feel i am, it always gets worked out.  He will not have it any other way.  I've found after going through much time of walking around feeling like this, putting massive distant in our realtionship - that all i am doing is cheating myself and him. 

I have found that to avoid all the unpleasant crap to GO talk to him and sort it out before it becomes a bigger mess.

edited to add  - not that i am good at following my own advice.  Its not easy to open up to some one you dont want to open up to.  Remember he cares about you, you belong to him. (and its going to happen eventually anyways and the hurt doesnt magically disappear in the meantime)



At least you do eventually open up to him and...to me anyway...it doesn't seem like, for you, leaving is an option when things get tough.  As I noted in another thread, I've been there and done that with the last.  Hopefully, not again.

I agree...it is time to talk to him.  As has been espoused lately (especially well by Lotus), communication...despite a lot of submissives' expansive statements of how much they want it / got to have it / makes the D/s world go round...seems to be in short supply and it just isn't right.  You committed to him Magick, and I would think that since you identify as slave, that commitment is for good AND bad.  Then do something from your end to get things headed to where they need to be for you to feel happier.  Maybe...when you get the discussion going, you'll find yourself at a different level than you were before but right now, you are in a sort of "sad and unknowing" limbo.

(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 7:15:31 AM   
dvart


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline 		Seems to me this is about TRUST.
Your trust in him has been dented.
Trust is all important in any relationship, but especially yours.
As everyone else has said you have to talk it out with him and restore the trust that you had.
But reading between the lines, I think you fear that the trust is gone.
Hopefully you will get it back and I wish you well.
However if there is no trust there can be no relationship.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 8:15:23 AM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		<smiles> of course i eventually open up, he doesnt allow me to withdraw for too long.  I must say that the more one opens up to their Dom in various ways - the easier it gets.  Even with things like what Majik is going through it still gets easier.

I think she needs to get her head around the situation and then speak to him.  Hopefully she has done that here will all the advice she's been given and i am wondering as its been a day or so if they have sat down together to talk about it.  I'm very curious as to how she's doing and what the out come is.

Cant give us half a book to read and then expect us to not wonder what the ending is = )


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 8:22:42 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		At the moment Im not even upset about what happend at the party anymore Im really just upset that Master is disapointed in me and at the moment that is all that matters. That makes me feel far worse then anything els.


Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Devilslilsister)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:10:15 AM   
subrob1967


Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline 		People act differently when they're with a group of friends, ever see a bunch of frat brothers get together after college?

Lord knows I act different around my friends and family, than I do around her peers, it's all about comfort levels.

My thoughts are he was among friends, having a good time,  didn't feel the need to babysit you all night,  and failed to pick up on your distress.

I'm not saying this is ok, or right, but it IS human nature, and it appears to me that the more you tried to get his attention, the more he rejected your overtures.

I agree with everyone else that there's more to the story and relationship than one bad party, and your justifications of his actions leads me to believe you're in for a world of hurt, once the blinders come off, you see what he really wants in a partner, and he finds a switch to have a 100% monogamous relationship with.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:14:44 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks thats just what I needed to hear because I wasnt distressed enough about all this (end sarcasm)

Me and Master have talked about his needs and I have been assured that he isnt getting rid of me we have had that convo many times do to my own insecurities so I ask you kindly not to undermind what my Master has said about that and feed something that I am already insecure about.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to subrob1967)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:18:42 AM   
aliljaded1


Posts: 121
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline 		Writting it down is a good idea unless  youre me. I tend to get it all out (good, bad and yucky).  If its verbal you can catch yourself before it gets out of hand.Hope it all works out for you (smiles).
Best,
Jade

_____________________________

**The mind is its own place,and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven**


(in reply to MsLayla)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:19:03 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		We aren't feeding anything.  We are taking his profile at its word.  He says he's seeking a switch for a monogamous relationship.  

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:25:37 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		But again this thread wasnt about his profile.. I am very aware of what it says. It says the same thing it did when I first met him.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:29:46 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

But again this thread wasnt about his profile.. I am very aware of what it says. It says the same thing it did when I first met him.

Magik's slave


This thread was about your relationship and an airing of private issues between the two of you... as a result you invited us all into your bedroom and asked our opinions.  You may not like the opinions that you get, but you opened the door and invited us all in.

You have already let the horse out, so it is a little late to try shutting the barn door.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:30:36 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		You might ask yourself  why you choose to be in a relationship that feeds your insecurities, instead of dispelling them.
But, if thats not the case, then, as others have suggested...communicate, and alter your own behavioral patterns to avoid this in the future.

Good luck

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:37:39 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		well kyra my OP was simply that I was in a bit of distress. they insist on picking apart Master profile which I have said I have no controll over so why beet a dead horse I just dont get it. I know what it says they arent telling me anything I dont already know so all it is doing is frustrateing me because there is nothing I can do about it and bringing it up doesnt really do me any good. and honestly his profile doenst have anything to do with the problem here.

major point here. I felt alone and abandoned I tried to get Masters attention he didnt like it I am wrong here not him I should have sat in the corner quietly like a good slave and taken the attention that was given to me and not tried to take more then Master wanted to give. End outcome.. this is my foult.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to spankmepink11)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 9:46:48 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

major point here. I felt alone and abandoned I tried to get Masters attention he didnt like it I am wrong here not him I should have sat in the corner quietly like a good slave and taken the attention that was given to me and not tried to take more then Master wanted to give. End outcome.. this is my foult.


So... you didn't get the attention from your Master that you wanted... and you reacted negatively...

So... you didn't get the attention from this thread that you wanted ... and you reacted negatively...

Do you see the problem?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 10:57:32 AM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

major point here. I felt alone and abandoned I tried to get Masters attention he didnt like it I am wrong here not him I should have sat in the corner quietly like a good slave and taken the attention that was given to me and not tried to take more then Master wanted to give. End outcome.. this is my foult.

Magik's slave


This is what frustrates me about the "slave mentality" ... Why is it always the slave's fault? Why does being a good slave mean sitting in the corner and taking what is given to you if you need or want more? At a new year's eve party, no less, why would your master want you to be uncomfortable, sulky, shy? Obviously none of us actually know 100% of the story here, hell, we probably don't even know 20% of what this is really about, but as a dominant I would be appalled if my boy thought it was his place or duty to just take whatever I give him and not make his needs and desires known. Also, he knows that he is an equal partner in the relationship (which I know is not everyone's perspective in D/s) and he is obligated to push me to be a better dom the same way I push him. I know this has gone off topic a bit, but I find the "it's all my fault, I shouldn't have had feelings" argument irritating.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 12:08:44 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

major point here. I felt alone and abandoned I tried to get Masters attention he didnt like it I am wrong here not him I should have sat in the corner quietly like a good slave and taken the attention that was given to me and not tried to take more then Master wanted to give. End outcome.. this is my foult.


So... you didn't get the attention from your Master that you wanted... and you reacted negatively...

So... you didn't get the attention from this thread that you wanted ... and you reacted negatively...

Do you see the problem?


Not reacting negatively here at all just esplaining I have no controll over Masters profile thats it the end.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 12:11:15 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass


quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

major point here. I felt alone and abandoned I tried to get Masters attention he didnt like it I am wrong here not him I should have sat in the corner quietly like a good slave and taken the attention that was given to me and not tried to take more then Master wanted to give. End outcome.. this is my foult.

Magik's slave


This is what frustrates me about the "slave mentality" ... Why is it always the slave's fault? Why does being a good slave mean sitting in the corner and taking what is given to you if you need or want more? At a new year's eve party, no less, why would your master want you to be uncomfortable, sulky, shy? Obviously none of us actually know 100% of the story here, hell, we probably don't even know 20% of what this is really about, but as a dominant I would be appalled if my boy thought it was his place or duty to just take whatever I give him and not make his needs and desires known. Also, he knows that he is an equal partner in the relationship (which I know is not everyone's perspective in D/s) and he is obligated to push me to be a better dom the same way I push him. I know this has gone off topic a bit, but I find the "it's all my fault, I shouldn't have had feelings" argument irritating.


I do understand what you are saying. But I just care more that I dissapointed my Master then the fact that I was uncomfertable or unhappy at the party.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 12:25:07 PM   
kishasub


Posts: 49
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for responding to my post, i apologised incase i spoke out of turn and because i have an awesome habit of messing up my words( which ML is helping me with) so was taking a precaution just incase.
Not sure about the Gor way as it's not something ML and myself practise we just do what suits us and we've just had our first anniversary so must be doing something right
*Grins at crouchingtigress* ta for the welcome means a lot xx

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 12:32:11 PM   
drawntothedark


Posts: 572
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Arkansas
Status: offline 		We all have bad nights. That night was his night to be not so "perfect" I'm sure you will have your share of mess up's as well. It was just one night. He probably just got caught up in hanging out with his friends. I wouldn't worry about it so much.

You do what you think you should do. If this will eat at you, than I would discuss it with him. If you think you can move on than try that. You can always just step back and watch. If there is questionable behavor on his part than his true colors will show up if you watch close enough. But, I'm sure the two of you just had a bad night.

I'm sorry your so upset. It's not easy to deal with your feelings sometimes and we have all been there. Just make you some warm tea, grab a book or take a walk. Let your own voice guide you on this one. :)

(in reply to kishasub)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 12:37:01 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass


quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

major point here. I felt alone and abandoned I tried to get Masters attention he didnt like it I am wrong here not him I should have sat in the corner quietly like a good slave and taken the attention that was given to me and not tried to take more then Master wanted to give. End outcome.. this is my foult.

Magik's slave


This is what frustrates me about the "slave mentality" ... Why is it always the slave's fault? Why does being a good slave mean sitting in the corner and taking what is given to you if you need or want more? At a new year's eve party, no less, why would your master want you to be uncomfortable, sulky, shy? Obviously none of us actually know 100% of the story here, hell, we probably don't even know 20% of what this is really about, but as a dominant I would be appalled if my boy thought it was his place or duty to just take whatever I give him and not make his needs and desires known. Also, he knows that he is an equal partner in the relationship (which I know is not everyone's perspective in D/s) and he is obligated to push me to be a better dom the same way I push him. I know this has gone off topic a bit, but I find the "it's all my fault, I shouldn't have had feelings" argument irritating.


I do understand what you are saying. But I just care more that I dissapointed my Master then the fact that I was uncomfertable or unhappy at the party.

Magik's slave


I don't know your master from Adam.  And as has been stated, we don't know all that happened.
That being said, I am going to express my own opinion on something...
***DISCLAIMER:  In case it was not made clear, the following is MO and MOO.***
 
I can understand and appreciate a submissive's / slave's being upset that their behavior has disappointed their dominant/master/mistress.  I think it is a worthwhile attitude to have, especially when the behavior that disappointed the dominant/master/mistress was uncalled for.  However, being a submissive or being a slave does not mean the loss of one's brain and even while a submissive/slave may experience these feelings of upset over disappinting their owner, they should still ask themselves whether or not the cause of their behavior was right in its motivation.  If your behavior came about simply because you were thrust into a social situation you were uncomfortable with and you sulked and sighed and reacted in an exaggerated fashion to the mysterious "something later" that you noted, then no...your motivation wasn't proper and neither were your actions.  If your motivation comes about from a definitive psychological fear of strangers and/or crowds of people and the distancing of your "anchor" (deliberate = an attempt to help you/ non-deliberate = casual ignoring or real unawareness of your pathologies) during this maelstrom around you, then even if your behavior was wrong, the motivation...help me, Master cuz I really, really do need you physically and emotionally by me...was not and therefore, while it is laudable that you are upset over disappointment of him, it is an instance where it could not be helped.  Again, communication is called for and not just a communication that starts out "You're wrong...I was 100% right...end of story".

"The above ends the statement of my own opinion.  Please note that no one was flamed during this statement."

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: what to do when your opinion of your Dom changes - 1/2/2007 1:51:29 PM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant


"The above ends the statement of my own opinion.  Please note that no one was flamed during this statement."



<looks down at popcorn tub> dammit..and here I thought this movie was going to be entertaining...

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 80
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