SusanofO
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Joined: 12/19/2005
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In my younger years, I suppose I wanted my parents' approval for a lot of things, but somehow I never considered discussing sexual aspects of my life with them. But, every family is different that way, I suppose.
Today, I know for certain I'd never make it a topic of conversation. Not only because it would make my father uncomfortable, and I don't want to do that, whether the topic is sex or something else - but because I consider this "area" of my life a private matter that I, myself, make decisions about. I don't discuss it with other people, hardly ever, and if I do (on very,very rare occasions) it is not in detail.
If my father did find out, I suppose I'd sit down and try to politely explain that I feel I feel I have "needs" in this area that include the need to explore bdsm, and hope he could deal with that information emotionally. I'd try my best to answer any questions he might have (within reason) and hope for the best. If he didn't "accept" it to the degree I hoped he might, for example, I'd perhaps feel hurt, although I'd never consider that reaction to be something completely unexpected. The man was born in 1934, and brought up in a completely different era than I was, and raised in a conservative time and had a relatively conservative upbringing.
I feel for you that you are in this position, but I've never really understood when people tell others who are completely unfamiliar with bdsm about their "lifestyle choice" and then expect them to just "accept" it and not have some kind of adjustment period, at the very least. I am not saying that is my whole idea of what happened here, but I've seen people post to that effect before.
I think there are also some people, probably, that one could expose this part of their life to that would never accept it, ever. But the most basic reasons I never bring it up to family are that I consider it - and these thoughts are just my opinion, but - I think this matter is one that is -
1) Private
2) Probably, I believe, would be very uncomfortable for them to hear - and they might even wonder "where they went wrong" as far as raising me, etc. and I don't think it's fair to make them wonder that when it is my choice - not theirs - to particpate in bdsm in the first place. When people do this, it sometimes feels to me, on a gut level, that they are somehow looking to others to "legitimize" their life-style choice. Then if that doesn't happen, they sometimes go on to rant about how "independent" they are and how they can "do what they want with their own life", etc. This reaction seems inconsistent with their desire to have told someone significant and have that person accept it, in the first place - at least to me.
3) Not one for which I need their approval, so I don't see a reason to bring up the topic at all. And the topic would certainly never spring up in a family conversation on its own.
Of course I am a middle-aged person, and when I was younger, I suppose I did want my parents' approval - of the "real" me, all of me, etc. Just not in this particular area. So I guess I (kinda sorta) understand it when people mention it to people who are in no way involved in bdsm at all - maybe family in particular. Good luck anyway, truly. I know it doesn't sound like a comfortable situation, and you were just "feeling out the turf", so to speak. But - we are not talking about having a sex change operation here, for instance, or anything physically, observationally, inescapable such as that - we are discussing what you do with intimate partners, or, at the very least, interaction on a pretty intimate level.
I cannot imagine why a parent of a grown child needs to know that kind of information - maybe even if they inquire about it - unless they seem very open to what they might well end up hearing.
My sister (the attorney) has a saying they taught her in law school, and I do think it applies to revealing one's preferences to family or significant others as far as this lifestyle preference is concerned. It goes like this: "Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to." This can be translated to: Never bring up a topic you are pretty unsure the person in question can emotionally deal with. Too late for that, but good luck with handling the situation from here on out anyway. Maybe she will adjust to the information as time passes.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/6/2007 12:33:07 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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RE: Telling your parents - 
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