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What am I? - 1/5/2007 11:40:41 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

When I see a post of someone who is not happy with what they are.. or are having trouble with their chosen identity (I'm talking Dom/Sub/Switch etc) I think.. if you have to work at it.. maybe you are in the wrong path.

What do you think?

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Post #: 1

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 11:49:57 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Not sure I'd go quite that far I know I work at being a better me all the time, but I am happy with where I am going more than where I am.
I think that is the difference.

If you are unhappy with where you are going then it's time to change your destination, or route.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 2

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 11:50:33 AM

drawntothedark

Posts: 572
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

Well I have had times where I have been confused about my desires.......not understanding myself fully. Sometimes I think we all get lost and have to find our path again. I do not feel that you have to work at it per say.....but sometimes, it's hard being in an alternative lifestyle. Some days I think it would be easier to be vanilla. Then I swallow hard and get back on my little submissive path because I know it's where I belong. I do view MOST (not all) of these people as just being a bit confused. Some are attention seekers. But I feel MOST are just looking for their path...and needing some help along the way.

I'm having a very Pollyanna day..............can ya tell!

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 3

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 11:56:52 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

When I see a post of someone who is not happy with what they are.. or are having trouble with their chosen identity (I'm talking Dom/Sub/Switch etc) I think.. if you have to work at it.. maybe you are in the wrong path.

What do you think?

I think it is an interesting question that can be looked at from many angles.

I think there are times when we all question ourselves. Perhaps my dominance is too stern for the type of submissive I like, perhaps my submission IS controlled more by my need to be taken care of than a genuine desire to serve and be controlled, etc.. It is important at those times to be able to step back and take an honest, critical but objective look at the circumstances that are causing questions to arise in your mind.

Perhaps there is nothing wrong in your dominant style but you are choosing the wrong type of submissive to explore it with (and conversely, she is choosing the wrong type of dominant to explore her submissive style with). Perhaps there is nothing wrong with your submission other than a need to look at it honestly for what it is versus what you think it is.

Those who question whether or not they are dominant or submissive and find themselves doing so all the time may in fact have chosen the wrong path if they find themselves consistently being disagreed with by their own partners over a sustained period of time and with the great majority of others in their circle and in the broader "community". Those who never seem to be willing to learn from others more experienced and educated than they are could well be those that end up unhappy because their partner IS willing to grow and learn. Those who are constantly changing their way of dominating or submitting in order to " please" another and find themselves doing so with each new person they are with may end up unhappy because they don't really know where they stand in their view of dominance or of submission.

I am happy in my dominance. I think I am a good dominant but not all-knowing....so damn close it hurts but still...and so am willing to learn. I am willing to at least look at other ways of doing things and have made a couple of changes in my thinking just since joining here. But I have several basic core beliefs in what I am as a dominant and what I expect from a submissive who might wish to submit to me. Those beliefs have not changed much...mellowed, become more refined but still basically there...and most likely will not and I am happy with them.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 4

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:10:36 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

When I see a post of someone who is not happy with what they are.. or are having trouble with their chosen identity (I'm talking Dom/Sub/Switch etc) I think.. if you have to work at it.. maybe you are in the wrong path.

What do you think?

I could as easliy argue that those that find it easy aren't on the right path...they took the easy way out. I don't think either statement holds true for everyone, in every situation. Introspection, self discovery and personal growth can be HARD...or not. There are so many internal barriers that we have to become what we are supposed to be. Some are better at letting go of them and welcoming success than others.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 5

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:18:49 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

I think being able to work through those things that I find hardest to do when submitting to Sir is what proves to me that I am on the right path. The pride and happiness i feel when i'm able to push past my limitations to please him is worth the fustration and pain of attempting it in the first place. Sometimes it takes a while to get there though.

I fought against the submisive side of myself for years and was always unhappy.

If doing something is always easy then you probably aren't pushing yourself to be or do better. I would think anyway.

edited to add...

If the person is absolutely miserable in thier chosen role then yes, I'd say they are on the wrong path.

< Message edited by akisha -- 1/5/2007 12:19:53 PM >

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:19:52 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

When I see a post of someone who is not happy with what they are.. or are having trouble with their chosen identity (I'm talking Dom/Sub/Switch etc) I think.. if you have to work at it.. maybe you are in the wrong path.

What do you think?

I guess if it is indeed a "chosen" identity this may be correct.

I think I know which thread sparked this one, so I am going to say that we all question our identities at times. Or should I say I have questioned my identity. I have questioned my submissiveness too.

I remember when my marriage failed, I had a lot of deep seated questions about my identity. I wondered whether I could ever be a wife, whether I wanted to ever love again, whether I was capable of trusting again. You know, I weathered that identity crises just fine. I think the trouble is when we build our identity up around another person, and when they are gone they take that part of our identity with them. We have to grieve that part they took. We also should realize that if we think long and hard about it, we can find that they gave a lot to us too, and hopefully that will outweigh what we mourn for.

On that other thread I expressed some of my experiences which I will not rehash here, but when the "snow settled" I found myself a stronger person for it. My ability to submit is stronger because I am. My submission comes from a place of strength because I know that if there is no dom that I will survive it. I submit from choice, not from weakness, and I found a dominant that prizes that in me.

I think that when someone reaffirms their identity, their identity becomes even further a part of them, our identities being hard ones to live with is not the point, some identities are inherently hard to live with.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 7

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:31:07 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

Nothing worth having is ever really easy is it? I came into this lifestyle because it spoke to something deep within me. Yet, along the way and through the different stages I have struggled and questioned what I'm doing. I think that is good and healthy. I'm in training to become my Master's slave. It's not something I have a natural gift to be, but I do want it for all the right reasons that suit my life.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 8

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:38:24 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bottom, sub or slave.
I don't think it's a question so much of my orientation but more how others interact with or label me based on their perspectives.
Me, I am sub in my heart and think I have been my whole life without the identifying term. I also think I could be a wonderful slave if I had the right Master leading me.
I think some of the people who wonder are maybe indeed not what they are trying to be.
I also think others like me just wonder what their potential can be vs what their circumstances are.
Lastly I think some just get tired of not being able to live as they want to.
I don't think we can lump all who question their station in one box and label it.
It's as individual as the people as far as I can tell.
suzanne

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 9

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:41:25 PM

demistress

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

I have recently struggled with my identity within the lifestyle, and found someone who lit a fire so hot and strong within me that I was willing to forego the lifestyle entirely should he have asked..........for better or for worse he did not, and as a result of an idiotic new years eve fiasco, I am now back, and 'badder' than ever.

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 10

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 12:43:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'll always take the person who seriously thought about it, admitted their concerns, and made the choice they felt was right for them.

Who we are can and does change drastically over time. I'd be more concerned about the person who never put any serious thought into it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 11

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 1:02:01 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Sometimes circumstances can give us an opportunity to question things about ourselves. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be an opportunity for growth.
And like onestandingstill said:

quote:

some just get tired of not being able to live as they want to.

It can be frustrating to have a plan for what you want and how you wish it to be, and when you struggle at attempts in finding it, it's easy to question things.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 3:37:25 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
When I see a post of someone who is not happy with what they are.. or are having trouble with their chosen identity (I'm talking Dom/Sub/Switch etc) I think.. if you have to work at it.. maybe you are in the wrong path.
What do you think?

I think some of us are convinced, we are “wired” a certain way.
But, I don’t knock people who have doubts.
Some of this comes down to: Are you in this lifestyle for the “fun” and to “play”,
OR are you in this lifestyle because THIS is what you are.
This is what I am, whether I find someone to be with or not.
Born Dominant, from the womb to the tomb.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 13

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 3:59:30 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

When I see a post of someone who is not happy with what they are.. or are having trouble with their chosen identity (I'm talking Dom/Sub/Switch etc) I think.. if you have to work at it.. maybe you are in the wrong path.
What do you think?

I have asked myself many times, "Could you be a submissive or switch?"
The fact that my teeth start to chatter, my eyes bulge out of my head, and my heart rate
goes up,my hands get clammy, symptoms similar to someone in a very stressful situation.
The idea of being a submissive in BDSM relationship causes me a great deal of distress.
I always have visions of "submitting for about 5 minutes" then doing the other person some
form of bodily harm.
Before I go into full cardiac arrest, I tell myself, NO dear you don't have to ever be a submissive.
If the idea of thinking about changing sides, causes physiological changes, and NOT good ones.
Maybe you HAVE made the right choice.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 14

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 3:59:38 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

FR: This thread dovetails with the "Lost my submission" thread and the "Is it hardwired?" thread...or maybe I'm just seeing connections to everything. Its been a very Zen sort of day.

LA, the unexamined life is not one worth living? Then again, the obsessively over-examined life seems pretty difficult too. And you spend a lot more time alone on the weekend. There has to be a happy medium. Ditto with "something that's worth it is worth the struggle". I generally agree, things that come easy rarely are valuable, but on the other hand, there is a certain type of submissive (and not a small few Doms) who gets so lost in the difficulty of the struggle, they forget the purpose was to get to the prize. And once in a while, having the prize handed to you without a bloody hard fight, is not bad.

And in that vein, if the path is too easy, perhaps you are on the wrong path. If the path is too hard, perhaps you are on the wrong path. If the path is just right, you are either nearing satori, or you are a little blonde girl about to be pounced on by a family of bears. And some days, that outcome makes for a good Friday night, too.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 15

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 4:01:23 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

...you are a little blonde girl about to be pounced on by a family of bears. E.

Thanks for the heads-up.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 16

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 4:03:46 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

...you are a little blonde girl about to be pounced on by a family of bears. E.

justheather: Thanks for the heads-up.

But of course, miss. you are a little blonde girl, and SOMEONE has a big weekend planned, n'est pas?

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 17

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 4:22:41 PM

Venusflames

Posts: 28
Joined: 12/13/2006
From: Worcestershire (UK)
Status: offline

I'm not sure which path i'm going to take yet. All I know is since I have been working alongside and socialising with people who have determined who they are i'm a much happier person. I feel comfortable in my surroundings and yet stirred. My heart tells me i'm a sub, but i'm not sure if that is because i'm tired of being in control or not being the rounded person I need to be in order to truely be myself. Having said that, I find it hard to let the control go as it is something i've had to live with for so long. My theory is when I find the right person, I will know through them that it is right and my path will become clear.

I'm certainly not attention seeking in this matter, it's a matter of informed choice, I need to learn and grow before I can know if my instinct is correct. I don't want to take this journey on my own.

_____________________________

Treat people the way you want to be treated!

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 18

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 4:24:05 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I'm a masochist. Everything is hard for me. If it starts getting easy, I up the stakes a bit, and make it harder. Or, I quit. Masochists are like this.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 19

RE: What am I? - 1/5/2007 7:25:12 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Havent you ever heard the saying "anything worth haveing is worth fighting for"... if you arent willing to fight for it maybe it isnt something you really want..

Magik's slave

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 1/5/2007 7:30:18 PM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 20

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