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Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 2:20:25 PM

sweetbelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

hi there... lets see where to start.. maybe i just need to get this off my chest.. not sure..
Anyway was with a Dom for the past yr.. in that year we saw each other about ohh once a month or so... here recently i believe he had change of heart of exactly who he is... in the past ohh 5times we were together.. it was pretty much just sex... no play at all....which in a way i was ok with.. but i also missed it...
my biggest thing is that for once in my life of knowing who i am... a submissve... i dropped all my walls.. and let someone in... to know me so intimately both physically and mentally.. i mean i told him everything about myself.. stuff not even my family knew..and now i just feel completly lost... he does not want to talk to me or anything... i was told that i was being played because for the past year he was getting a divorce and now that the divorce is almost final he told me "well i will want to play the field" i just wanna scream sometimes.. i want to know did i open myself up to much to someone.. or just to the wrong one..so many questions running through my mind.. i in a way dont feel like myself anymore.. i am sorry for rambling so i just needed to get this off my chest... and if i was wrong i was wrong.. please dont blast me to badly... if you have words of advice then please let me know...
sweet_belle

Post #: 1

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 2:33:35 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

You might wanna make your font a little larger....Had to squint to see what you wrote..and we all know squinting causes wrinkles!!! ugh! *grin*

quote:

my biggest thing is that for once in my life of knowing who i am... a submissve... i dropped all my walls.. and let someone in... to know me so intimately both physically and mentally..

Well thats an excellent thing hey...and doing that puts you in a vulnerable risky place....an effect which you are feeling....

Sometimes in life we make bad choices, in my opinion you made a bad choice by getting involved with someone in the throws of ending a relationship (it's something I wouldnt do myself)...but hey..we all make mistakes in different ways...

The thing is...you gotta sort through all your experiences and gather together all the good things ...things like your discovery of how wonderful being submissive is......thats an awesome thing...a very very awesome thing....Now all you have to do is realise..that that discovery isn't dependent on how others use, manipulate or mistreat that..its just there....so..really the only thing to do now is make sure you make a better choice for your next partner.

I know you are hurting now...try to look at the good things...

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 2

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 2:41:44 PM

sweetbelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

You might wanna make your font a little larger....Had to squint to see what you wrote..and we all know squinting causes wrinkles!!! ugh! *grin*

i am sorry about the font to me it looked really big.. but to what you said thank you for that and yes its something i normally wouldnt have done either... but from his mouth he had been seperated for over a year when we met... come to find out it had only been like 3months... so yes i was believing in what he said but it wasnt the truth i guess...

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 3

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 2:47:08 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i am not blaming you sweetbell,... not at all, and i am sorry you are going through all this. this is why i personally would never date married folks...they are so wounded, lonely and lost they dont know who they are and they have failed at loving relationships.

they often see cheating as a way to escape, and escape artists dont make the best lovers or dominants because so much about being a dom is about personal responsibility and accountability to themselves and to the ones they choose to own or even just romp with. and as a lover a married man can offer so darn little as you know, all their time and resources are deeply invested in the first marrige...she is the one that gets the vacations, the dinners, the Saturday sleep ins and the sick days...all you get is the scraps....and that is not good enough.

as a submissive (and i am sure ill get flamed for this but oh well) i think you require more care then the average girl friend...i think it is the same investment principal as is in all of life....meaning as a submissive you (tend) to give more and so you (again i say tend) to need more back for your partner.

also married folks lie, not always and not every one....but as a rule its true and the biggest lies they tell are the ones the tell to themselves.

they dont know what they want and they dont have the skills they need to create stability and authenticity in relationships which is evidence by the fact that they are lying to their partners and their life is in a state of disarray.

so this is a good lesson....you have learned alot....move on from this guy....fixing this situation is going to be a huge undertaking and it would only work if he was into it but he is not. he clearly wants to chase all the women that rejected him when he was previously committed....

you were played....a very attractive distraction from his life and troubles....but he had no skin in the game...and now you can see the pit fall associated with that.

i am really sorry you had this experiance...life is a tough teacher....but take it and run with it...dont look back...get involved with your local community and give your self a chance to be loved by some one who is capable of returning your love...

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 1/6/2007 2:49:04 PM >

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 4

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:09:44 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Wow. It is truly unfortunate, but you, I believe, are the first woman to be lied to by a married man. Sucks that people lie. You were convenient while he was married and now that he is "single" you have become a burden...I can only guess you probably never met to many of his friends,,,you were a distracion to his "hell" at home.

Move on...you really don't have any other choice..and in the future you might not want to share your inner "emotions" to someone who is truly not available. Good luck and choose wiser in the future and don't forget the lessons learned.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 5

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:14:16 PM

sweetbelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Ok although he was still married his wife lived in another state.. ok she lives on the mainland... he here in hawaii... yes i did meet his friends... and i got really close to his friends as well... i just think mentally he was still married... i just dont know all of what y'all are saying is valid it just confused me... now i am not making sense.. *smile*

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 6

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:19:50 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

what island are you on?

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 7

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:23:19 PM

sweetbelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Oahu

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 8

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:28:12 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

drats...i was hoping you were here...but there are lots of really nice folks over there...emotionally and phyically available dominants

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 9

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:40:16 PM

valeca

Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

There are so many things I can think of to say, but in the end, only you will be able to find the best way for you to heal and move on from the relationship -- take what lessons you can from all it entailed, good and bad.

I do have to say, though, I took exception to the "also married folks lie, not always and not every one....but as a rule its true and the biggest lies they tell are the ones the tell to themselves." idea. This kind of generalization just really sucks. Remove the 'married' word from the concept and I'd be inclined to agree. People lie, not just the married ones. But having said that, I have to allow that, as unfortunate as it is, it could constitute the majority of your experience with married people. If that's the case, I'm truly sorry it has been.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 10

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 3:55:43 PM

demistress

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

Just a few thoughts.... and I'm not SURE you're done with him, but this kind of based on the idea that you two are no longer what the other needs, and thus things will be coming to a close if they haven't already.

When you met him, his whole world was falling apart, he was completely out of control of his life. That gave him the need to balance it by being deeply controlling of you. Maybe he's not deeply naturally dominant, but was instead seeking that feeling of control the way an anorexic may control their eating.

Now he has started to regain control of his life, his divorce is wrapping up, he has you infatuated with him, etc. he no longer has that power void that he needs to fill him with dominance. Your (exterior to the relationship) situation may not have changed, and you are still in the same headspace as when you met. He is not. You were well matched when you met, and you filled a need for each other, but you are no longer synced.

Am I excusing him for lying or being insensative? NO, but since you fell for him, and opened up to him, and care about him I'm thinking he probably isn't some evil lying snake, just a man who was hurting and needed you*shrug* (especially since he brought you into his life letting you know his friends, etc.).

Perhaps, just perhaps, when you walk away, and are looking back, INSTEAD of feeling betrayed and hurt and abandoned or played, TRY to remember how good it felt to open up to him in the first place, how awesome it was to share yourself with someone that way, to be able to let go. Take those memories, the passion, the satisfaction, and use that experience and knowledge to find your next, hopefully more innately dominant partner. Know that while it hurts to have things change or end, if you don't open up and put yourself out there, you won't feel all the GREAT things you've shared with him.

I think we as humans have a terrible tendancy to remember the END of a relationship and focus on its conclusion rather than on why we liked, loved, shared, opened up, etc. in the first place. CLEARLY he brought out something in you that was special and amazing. Do not let HIM ruin the beauty of the submission and love you have to offer.

_____________________________

Mistress Heather
www.niteflirt.com/MizzSpice

Wether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 11

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 4:01:24 PM

alovelylady4U

Posts: 67
Joined: 1/15/2005
From: leeli
Status: offline

i used to live on Oahu! Oh so long ago it seems.

i am sorry sweetbelle that you have to go through this, it seems so many of us do. Yet it does make it any easier but can make us wiser. The more i/we experience, the more i/we know what i/we want (and of course do not want ) in a relationship. For me, after going through something similar, (He was divorced but needed more time to be open to love again) i began to define myself as well as re invent myself.

i read so many profiles and threads and have noticed there seems to be no escaping certain "rites of passage?" In our own way and at our own pace- we all seem to learn the basics. One being:

"When walking through fire- one must learn to step lightly and take as large a stride as possible (And rather quickly i might add) or get burned ." me

And a word from one that has been there? Go for journal and not the Ben & Jerry's. Liposuction hurts like hell! my best wishes to everyone that is or has "been there." And lord help you all that you are not as slow at learning as i seem to be.......

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 12

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 4:02:09 PM

givemyall

Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Nothing that anyone says it going to take the hurt away - you know that, I know that and everyone else answering you knows the same, all we can do is give you a listening ear and the sympathy or empathy (which is often the best) that you deserve.
I think most people with a heart have been where you are now, we all put our loves and dreams into a relationship and think we have found our match - only to watch it fall apart whilst we desperately look on without a way of stopping it happening.
Getting over this sort of situation all depends on how we behave in ourselves, some people scream and shout, others cry, a few people plot revenge but, I think the best people (and im not amongst them), walk away and think 'f*ck you' and move on. I guess we all do in the end but it takes strength to do that in the early part of separation - I hope you can find that strength, I hope you move on and I hope you show him very quickly what he has thrown away .....let him play the field, let him do the cheap shagging bit, but dont forget that your final gestures towards him will show him just how much of a woman he has lost.
All the best for the future

Claire

< Message edited by givemyall -- 1/6/2007 4:11:19 PM >

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 13

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 4:04:43 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like you fell hard and fast. That happens.

The only way to deal with it is to have a heart to heart with him. And with yourself.

Try to remember that there are billions of people on the planet, he is not the only other person here. No need to stick by while he plays the field if that isn't what you want to do too.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 14

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 4:14:36 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

As hard as it sounds, alot of the subs have their heart on their sleeves. Then again, to be open means at times you get hurt. Any other way means you lock down so hard no one can get it.

A lot of subs do that, as do alot of Doms...Fact is I'd rather hurt at
times than build walls so high the good ones cann't get thu.

It does get better with time; I know..been there done that know.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 4:19:22 PM

sweetbelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I want to first of all thank every last one of you for posting your thoughts and suggestions... all of them i have taken to heart and even though i must say demistress comments made me cry what she said really sank in... I had a friend of mine take a peak at what i wrote, because she knew him and me of course.. and she said i was being too fair and over generous in my talking about him.. but ya know i just cant be mean, i cant be cruel and may it be a fault of mine or a pro of mine... i always give people the benefit of the doubt... i had been told a few months back that he wasnt good for me.. but i didnt listen... i just had to trust in this person that i had given so much of me to....maybe if i had listen to them months ago i wouldnt be in this position now.. but you are so right demistress... i will grow and learn from this.. i will be a better person... sides plotting revenges has never been my thing... i always use to say that i refuse to be a doormate for people but sometimes i am... my friend just commenting that i was a good person before i met him and i will continue to be one afterwards.. i think she is right.. its just going to take time.. as to opening myself up to another.. that will take time as well... my walls went up and its going to take a very strong and patient person to help me bring them back down....
So thank you agian everyone so far who has commented on my situation... you have made me smile, and cry but not the bad kind its kinda a cleansing cry... so thank you again

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 16

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 4:45:27 PM

talibahh

Posts: 389
Joined: 4/9/2006
From: NSW Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: demistress

Perhaps, just perhaps, when you walk away, and are looking back, INSTEAD of feeling betrayed and hurt and abandoned or played, TRY to remember how good it felt to open up to him in the first place, how awesome it was to share yourself with someone that way, to be able to let go. Take those memories, the passion, the satisfaction, and use that experience and knowledge to find your next, hopefully more innately dominant partner. Know that while it hurts to have things change or end, if you don't open up and put yourself out there, you won't feel all the GREAT things you've shared with him.

This is so true... great advice

I think we as humans have a terrible tendancy to remember the END of a relationship and focus on its conclusion rather than on why we liked, loved, shared, opened up, etc. in the first place. CLEARLY he brought out something in you that was special and amazing. Do not let HIM ruin the beauty of the submission and love you have to offer.

maybe though... just maybe, this is WHY its so hard to let go and move on... because you DO remember all the good things/feelings... all His good qualities and how you felt with Him... maybe thats why its hard to move on sometimes... you want to hold onto what you had and just MAYBE you are a tiny bit afraid you wont find it again, on the same level... just maybe...

to the OP...

i understand what you are going through, and its never easy to end a relationship you invested not only so much of your inner self in, but also time and effort... its hard sometimes to admit something you have enjoyed and want to hold onto has/is coming to an end... it takes courage and strength to let go sometimes and move on... i agree with the others who have said hold onto all the good things and value the good times you have had together. Remember this as a positive experience in your life journey and instead of regrets, use what you have learned to improve on future decisions

i wish you the best of luck... hugs in support,
tali

_____________________________

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time" ~ Sir Winston Churchill

in giving You my freedom, i gain the freedom to be me ...
~ tali ~

(in reply to demistress)

Post #: 17

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 5:08:55 PM

Donnalee

Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

i am not blaming you sweetbell,... not at all, and i am sorry you are going through all this. this is why i personally would never date married folks...they are so wounded, lonely and lost they dont know who they are and they have failed at loving relationships.

they often see cheating as a way to escape, and escape artists dont make the best lovers or dominants because so much about being a dom is about personal responsibility and accountability to themselves and to the ones they choose to own or even just romp with. and as a lover a married man can offer so darn little as you know, all their time and resources are deeply invested in the first marrige...she is the one that gets the vacations, the dinners, the Saturday sleep ins and the sick days...all you get is the scraps....and that is not good enough.

as a submissive (and i am sure ill get flamed for this but oh well) i think you require more care then the average girl friend...i think it is the same investment principal as is in all of life....meaning as a submissive you (tend) to give more and so you (again i say tend) to need more back for your partner.

also married folks lie, not always and not every one....but as a rule its true and the biggest lies they tell are the ones the tell to themselves.

they dont know what they want and they dont have the skills they need to create stability and authenticity in relationships which is evidence by the fact that they are lying to their partners and their life is in a state of disarray.

Wow, CrouchingT, I've never seen you do such a wide angled slam fest. The OP got hurt; yes. By a separated but married man who lied to her, but in the end it was a person who lied, not an entire category of people. Ouch.

(in reply to talibahh)

Post #: 18

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 5:19:59 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetbelle

i was told that i was being played because for the past year he was getting a divorce and now that the divorce is almost final he told me "well i will want to play the field" i just wanna scream sometimes.. i want to know did i open myself up to much to someone.. or just to the wrong one..

Having been in this situation once already, be thankful it has only been a year of your life you've "wasted" with this guy. On the one hand, it is a good learning experience. Youve learned about yourself as a sub as wel as learned a good bit about what sort of flags you should probably watch for next time you get involved. You were rebound, and he probably knew it from the getgo. He figured since you were a sub, when he told you he wanted to play the field, you wouldnt object.
You are going to be better off without him, which you probably already knew. Dont forget how you feel, it'll keep you from making the same mistake again. Unfortunately, a lot of submissives fall into the same trap when they are new. They are so eager to serve that they fall hard for the first one who gives them a real chance. It hurts when thats over, but you will survive and you will move on. Its not much different than getting out of a vanilla relationship that has gone bad, just chalk it up to experience and instead of letting it get you down, let it make you a better person.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to sweetbelle)

Post #: 19

RE: Sorry still new here but - 1/6/2007 8:15:55 PM

sweetbelle

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

This is a learning expeirence and yes i will learn from it... even though i have an ad on here.. the one thing i am not looking for is another relationship... but you all have been wonderful in your words of advice and wisdom :) thanks again everyone :)

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 20

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