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Should i just give up? - 1/11/2007 9:04:55 PM

dinaflower

Posts: 105
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I've been in this lifestyle since i was 18. and no matter how hard i try, every Dom i come across turns out to be a player or a jerk. Should i just give up and leave the lifestyle? cuz it seems all im ever gonna get is the abusive assholes. I dunno maybe im just asking for too much, wanting to be loved as well as owned.

Post #: 1

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/11/2007 9:47:30 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I think you should do some work on the commonality between everything- you. What are you doing/thinking which leads you to making the same patterns in your life and away from your fulfillment?

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(in reply to dinaflower)

Post #: 2

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/11/2007 9:52:36 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinaflower

I've been in this lifestyle since i was 18. and no matter how hard i try, every Dom i come across turns out to be a player or a jerk. Should i just give up and leave the lifestyle? cuz it seems all im ever gonna get is the abusive assholes. I dunno maybe im just asking for too much, wanting to be loved as well as owned.

i've been asking myself the same question.

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Post #: 3

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/11/2007 10:06:50 PM

simplyangelic1

Posts: 186
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

To give up or not. Only you can really answer that. If you are chosing the wrong partners, you should look at what it is they have in common that made them jerks or assholes in your eyes.

I've seen women who have time and time again been drawn to the wrong type of men because something inside them makes them think they can't do better. Examine what you want. If you want to be loved and owned then don't settle for anything less then that. It is possible to be owned and to be loved at the same time. It does take time.
I don't know if you are jumping from one relationship to another. If so that might be the problem in itself. Not really knowing the person before you submit to them. For all I know you could be taking your time and getting to know them only to find out they were good actors till they had you hooked.

It's hard finding right person, vanilla or lifestyle. But eventually we do find what we are looking for. Sometimes when we least expect it.

(in reply to michaelOfGeorgia)

Post #: 4

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 3:09:57 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

If you don't mind me asking, what is the process you go through in selecting a partner? What things do you look for? What things do you ask them? What kinda conversations do you have before you commit?

< Message edited by slavejali -- 1/12/2007 3:10:28 AM >

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Post #: 5

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 3:22:45 AM

newsubseeking61

Posts: 33
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

I, too, ended up with the same sort of guy...over and over again. ...Usually alcoholic, needy or damaged in some sort of way, usually incapable of committing to a relationship in the long run. I learned the problem was ME. I needed to go back and do some hard looking at myself. Would I "date" me? What were the qualities that I brought to the relationship? Was I capable of loving and being loved? .... I am not talking about beating myself up and seeing what a loser I am. But taking a realistic look. I learned that most people reach out to another at the same level or sickness/development/experience, etc.

So, I needed to get better, before I (unconciously or not) believed that I could have better--let alone attract better. My dance card is not as full as it once was. And a few assholes still slip through for a day or two. BUT, I know now what I am looking for and I know better how to detect the assholes before I get to hooked on them.

just my thoughts...
best!
jessica

(in reply to dinaflower)

Post #: 6

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 3:54:12 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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Jessica is right. You need to examine yourself. You are very young...you have plenty of time. Don't be in too big of a hurry to find anyone. Love yourself first before you try loving anyone else.

(in reply to newsubseeking61)

Post #: 7

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 4:01:23 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

If you don't mind me asking, what is the process you go through in selecting a partner? What things do you look for? What things do you ask them? What kinda conversations do you have before you commit?

i was thinking along these same lines. How well are you getting to know someone before you commit to them? If you are jumping into things and not knowing someone very well, that could end up disastrous time and time again. i have been 2 years without a partner. In this time, i have talked to guys for sometimes a couple of months before i realized they weren't a partner for me in the long run. But i learned to do that first, as opposed to jumping into a commitment first and proclaiming to everyone around that i am 'owned' (or whatever). Patience has been my friend

Daddysgirl

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 8

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 4:23:03 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

The other thing to remember is that unless you're looking for someone significantly older than yourself, the one thing that many (not all!) men have at 22 is the inability and unwillingness, and lack of knowledge as to how to be in the position you're looking for them to be.

An example: My son is 22. He's definitely got a pretty dominant personality. He takes charge of the relationships he's in. He doesn't allow the women he's with to play games with him and makes sure they're informed up front about what he will and will not accept in terms of their behavior around him. He's calm, even tempered but firm. He's got a lot going for him. But at 22, he doesn't want the responsibility of some woman dependant on him. He has plans for himself and while those plans do include playing with some of the women he meets, he definitely doesn't want to develop more of a relationship with them than that.

In his words, "Dating is fun mom, but when they start thinking that I'm going to be more than just their date, is when I walk away. I have plans for myself and most of the women my age are out for Mrs Degrees or something like that. I have no time for that right now."

While I obviously think my son is the greatest young man of all time (what mother doesn't think that of her son), he is still not ready for what you're looking for, and I'd surmise that most of the young men your age are in that same boat. You may hear of people developing relationships like that, but those are rare and wonderous things. Typically, when the young men are still just learning how to navigate the adult dating world, they are not going to want to be tied down to just one person and they certainly don't generally have the experience and expertise to be responsible for owning someone else.

juliet

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 4:29:02 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

Giving up at 22? Sheesh girl, have some patience. Besides, there are many abusive ass holes in the vanilla world as well. I know your frustration. Just take a break, wrap up an educational/certification course as well as some sort of a personal goal, and then give yourself a fresh start in the dating world. After all, you can be loved and owned. Just remember to date dicks and not assholes.

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(in reply to dinaflower)

Post #: 10

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 4:59:29 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

You get what you expect.

The first step is to love yourself, to be proud of yourself.

Try to be the best you, the most beautiful you, that you can be.

Next feel the confidence that generates.

Be cheerful, eat healthy, exercise, do yoga or (belly) dancing or another sport, and do loose some weight.

Edited to add: umm, I just returned to your profile and happened to see your second photograph. You are much more overweight than I thought. What is its cause? Is it physiological or psychological? Is it glandular, or do you hate yourself? Have you consulted a physician or psychologist about your overweight - if not, take a good friend with you who will stand up for you and defend your interests.

I would guess that you have been damaged in your youth and that this has forced you into a spiral of negativity. I recommend not to start any relationship until you have liberated yourself from this spiral of negativity and entered into a spiral of positivity.

Examine one by one your hurts and mourn them and forgive them and release them and give them to the Divine. This may take you months.

Whatever your own guilts and sins: if you regret them, you do not have to suffer for them. Recall that Jesus already died for the sins of all humanity. The Divine will happily take on your burdens and give you freedom from sin and freedom from guilt in return, if you so desire. Give your burdens to him.
The God of the Dead as well is lenient and forgiving. He has been where we all are and experienced it all.

They want you to live long, be strong and confident, and to be happy.

Acquire something that is truly beautiful, whether it be a rock, or a picture or music, and meditate on that once or several times every day. It will make you beautiful.

Perhaps I have erred in my perception of you and put my foot in my mouth, but I suspect not.

Be well. Do well.

< Message edited by Rule -- 1/12/2007 5:40:54 AM >

(in reply to dinaflower)

Post #: 11

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:27:47 AM

MaryT

Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

I hate to break it to you, but giving up probably won't do any good. The yearning will stay with you.

Get back on the horse, finish the ride and all that stuff.

Maybe date vanilla in the meantime and be really picky in choosing a Dom next time. It's not like you are up against a deadline.

(in reply to dinaflower)

Post #: 12

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:30:50 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

and do loose some weight.

Completely uncalled for and inappropriate.

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 13

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:32:32 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

it is often difficult to do this. especially when things start to look promising and then things suddenly stop and the other person is never heard from again. it's like driving full speed up a mountain road, only to find the road ends at the top and there's no road...just a cliff with a long fall down

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Post #: 14

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:35:00 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

and do loose some weight.

Completely uncalled for and inappropriate.

i totally agree with Aileen on this. some people are so shallow that they stop at outward appearences which leads them to miss out on a great person.

as the old addage states: "never judge a book by it's cover"

open the book a read a few pages before passing judgement on it.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 15

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:38:17 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Ok, Rule, so what advice do you give all the skinny people who can't find what they're looking for?

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Post #: 16

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:41:58 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

You get what you expect.

The first step is to love yourself, to be proud of yourself.

Try to be the best you, the most beautiful you, that you can be.

Next feel the confidence that generates.

Be cheerful, eat healthy, exercise, do yoga or (belly) dancing or another sport, and do loose some weight.

i see a contridiction here: be proud of yourself followed by do loose some weight

hmmmm

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 17

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:55:06 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen68

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule
and do loose some weight.

Completely uncalled for and inappropriate.

Perhaps. It does not change my perception of dinaflower, though. Only she can judge whether my perception of her is correct or misguided.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
i totally agree with Aileen on this. some people are so shallow that they stop at outward appearences which leads them to miss out on a great person.

as the old addage states: "never judge a book by it's cover"

open the book a read a few pages before passing judgement on it.

I know books. I am surrounded by thousands of books. I also know a little bit about people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes
Ok, Rule, so what advice do you give all the skinny people who can't find what they're looking for?

Usually I do not, but if I do, it will depend on the person not on their skinniness.

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia
i see a contradiction here: be proud of yourself followed by do loose some weight

There is no contradiction. The first step is to be proud of yourself, the next step is to improve on yourself and on your situation. The ability to do the latter comes from being proud of yourself first.

< Message edited by Rule -- 1/12/2007 6:00:55 AM >

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 18

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 5:58:44 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

quote:

I know books. I am surrounded by thousands of books. I also know a little bit about people.

i know alot about people, and attitudes. alot of wonderful people are overlooked because they don't fit the norm of what a "good" person is. this tends to be thin, attractive and perfectly healthy individuals. also, there's some that tend to be leary of someone due to skin color. but i won't go there.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 19

RE: Should i just give up? - 1/12/2007 6:01:21 AM

papabearscub

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/6/2007
Status: offline

I have also run into the same thing. I did as other have said and that's really think about what I'm looking for. I've decided to look at myself first. I've also decided that maybe I need a little break from my search. Get my focus back on me instead of this crazy drive to find someone.

As for the players and jerks.....I noticed they established a pattern over time. They all asked relatively the same questions. The all wanted to see a photo first thing. That's how I've been able to tell the difference in a player vs. someone who may be serious about this also. I've also noticed a lot of it is an age thing. Not saying this of all the younger Doms/Masters but the majority, the younger ones are more out to be the players and jerks. Its simply the maturity level. They don't truly understand what being a Dom/Master is all about. I think sometimes they see it as a way to get a little free "love" without any strings. Hence, I have an age preference.

What do I have to bring to a relationship? What do I want out of the relationship, only a part time, 24/7 or what exactly is it do I want? Do YOU have an age preference? I've talked with others and I've gotten the same response. You need to look for the same things in a Dom/Master that you would look for in a vanilla relationship. Most importantly I think is, are you compatible with this person. If you aren't compatible it is in no way, shape or form going to work. Giving up is never the answer to having something you truly want, need and desire in life.

Don't beat yourself up. You're very young. Slow down. You have nothing but time on your side. I know it seems like you're time isn't going to come but it will. Just be patient.

(in reply to dinaflower)

Post #: 20

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