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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Oh, I make it very clear upfront that I'm not looking for a friend with benefits. I also know that many men lie and promise relationships just to get in a woman's pants. For this reason, I refuse to have sex outside of a monogamous relationship. One would think that as picky as I am, I would never get screwed over. Still, despite my high standards, all turn out to be jerks. I know that many men are biologically engineered to spread their seed. But there has to be a way to convince them otherwise or there would be alot less monogamous couples in their 20's and 30's. For those who are involved in monogamous bdsm relationships, how did you get him to give up that mentality? How did you convince him that it was better to date you than a vanilla partner?

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I originally posted this as a response to someone else's thread, but I thought it deserved it's own as it is a very important issue. First, I'd like to say that this is not meant as an attack on consentual polygamy and swinging. I'd also like to compliment the men this doesn't apply to.

I have noticed that many (not all) men have a tendency to think of women they engage in bdsm with as play partners. Meanwhile they date, fall in love with, and marry vanilla women. Of course these vanilla wives can't satisfy their bdsm desires, so they continue to have secret play partners and cheat on their wives. It enrages me to hear men with vanilla wives complain about the lack of bdsm in their marriages. I'll bet many of the play partners they used and discarded would've loved dating them. They would rather be unfaithful in their marriages than consider dating, falling in love with, and marrying someone who could fulfill both their bdsm and vanilla needs. Obviously it makes more sense to have someone who meets all needs than a relationship where something is always missing. This isn't rocket science. It's simple logic that for some reason many (not all) men are incapable of understanding, even when it's repeatedly explained to them. Why do so many men who are otherwise intelligent have such a difficult time grasping such a simple concept? I'd like to hear other's thoughts on this subject. I'd also like to hear from anyone who has successfully overcome this obstacle with a man and how they did it.

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Oh, I make it very clear upfront that I'm not looking for a friend with benefits. I also know that many men lie and promise relationships just to get in a woman's pants. For this reason, I refuse to have sex outside of a monogamous relationship. One would think that as picky as I am, I would never get screwed over. Still, despite my high standards, all turn out to be jerks. I know that many men are biologically engineered to spread their seed. But there has to be a way to convince them otherwise or there would be alot less monogamous couples in their 20's and 30's. For those who are involved in monogamous bdsm relationships, how did you get him to give up that mentality? How did you convince him that it was better to date you than a vanilla partner?

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ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

Ok may be flamed for this...however...The male Dominant who will not date a femal submissive (who desires a LTR)..but only uses her for "play", but will date vanilla...is a HNG/Wanker!...he is the guy who haunts this or any other alt life for his quickie jollies..married or not..he is what he is.So for you to call this type a Dominant is an insult to Dominants, Some..I repeat..Some Dominants prefer to develop relationships only within the "lifestyle" for they know their own nature, and "vanilla" is not what they desire nor seek.The problem is that there are just a few of these Dominant gems about that seek to date, love, live in this :lifestyle"and it is our job as submissives to be able to recognize it. The rest that claim dominance but are lying, misleading,cheating ,are not dominants they are human,horny,predators found the world over.As many submissives have said been there got the t-shirt, but in each and every case you learn and listen and question and eventually they become easier to spot,so hence not a waste of time but simply a learning experience.Do not let these HNG dictate how you do your weeding out process for you may weed out a gem by accident...Simply just become more aware...and as Julia said become aware of your value...for you are! valued by the (ok I will say it!)..True Dominant.....~ducks for cover~......Tempting

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Maybe the advice in that book (The Rules) of refusing to speak to them for 2 weeks works better than griping them out. There's only one reason I haven't followed it thus far. How does the ignoring work if the man isn't told specifically beforehand why he is being ignored? For that reason, I'm unsure how effective that will be in the future with guys, but I'm sure going to try it. 

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I do have to disagree that making a man wait for sex makes him want to persue a challenge. At one time this worked, but now most guys go by the 1-2 meet rule when it comes to sex. If he has to wait longer she is "leading him on". Of course I still refuse to do it, but my morals seem to be a turn-off rather than a turn-on. How does a woman become a challenge with this 1-2 date rule men have? Should she go ahead and sleep with them and then make sure she leaves in the middle of the night so they wake up alone? Would this be viewed as a challenge?

To help put things in perspective, I suggest you start by remembering that you're looking for the special man for YOU!  Again your own rules are what are important and what count!  Unless or until you feel a genuine connection with a man, why should you become intimate with him?  If you do, it seems to me that you are telling him you don't value your body or yourself!  Take the time to get to know him first (however long that takes) and for him to get to know you.  If he doesn't want to do that and only wants sex, is he at all going to be the right man for you?  My answer would be no!  But that's something that you'll have to answer for yourself. 

In my opinion, if he believes in the "1-2" rule, then he's a jerk who is looking to score and put another notch on his belt.  Chances are that he could care less if its going to be with you or someone else.  There's no reason you can't let him know you're interested, but want to get to know him better before things get particularly intimate.  You can have some passionate kissing or groping, etc. without letting it go too far or flirt with what you might like to do with him and then change the subject to something else.  That's certainly enough to keep him coming back for more.  With that said, you don't have to compromise yourself or make yourself appear "easy", feel like a slut, or not respected for who you are. 

In closing, if you wait until you know there are mutual feelings, there'd be no need for you to want to leave in the middle of the night so that each of you would wake up alone in bed the following AM.  Wouldn't you instead want to wake up with him in the morning, share the experience, the closeness, and other things that go along with your first time together without any kind of awkwardness?   This particular man thinks so and knows that's how it can happen once you decide that's how you want it to be!

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ORIGINAL: ThinkingKitten

I think a lot of the problems stem from the fact that from an online meeting perspective there are the BDSM oriented sites, and there are the vanilla sites. And ne'er the twain shall meet. If you want to be topped sexually, within a monogamous otherwise completely vanilla relationship, where do you go? I've read posts in this thread that refer directly to this dilemma - men who date and marry vanilla, but want the BDSM for their sexual kick. Its hard to slip that requirement into a vanilla profile ("oh BTW its better if you like to be tied up, whipped and generally used as I please"), but if they go look on a BDSM site are they only going to encounter women who want or need to have their lives run for them ("oh BTW you should be fully independent, quite capable of taking care of yourself etc because I have no desire to tell you what to do outside of the bedroom" which seems a little contrary to the average Dom profile!)? These examples of course speak only to the male top/female bottom dynamic.
 
And before the flame throwers come out, yes, I know I am making generalities here and there are exceptions in all cases. Not all Dom(me)s/subs are seeking TPE's etc. I just think its the divide between the two lifestyles that can make it a difficult barrier to cross sometimes, both online and in real-life if your needs extend to a blend of the two.
 
Obviously this works both ways for both sexes. Male DMT/female SSB, female DMT/male SSB or any mix thereof.