Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: men, dating, and bdsm


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: men, dating, and bdsm Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 10:13:34 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		I know I'll get ptchforks and torches for saying this, but the problem addressed by the OP is not limited to "men" in the scene (or vanilla  life).  There are TONS of women who are married or in monog relationships and "work it" unbeknownst to their "Other".  So I am flagging that due to the massive gender bias here (which is almost always the case in a thread topic of this type).

Men steal, so do women.  men abuse, so do women. 

part of the problem with men's behaviour towards women and acting untrustworthy is that THEIR trust has been abused, part of the reason some avoid monog or approach women while they have someone else at home is a woman DID THE SAME TO THEM, beforehand.

There's a term called "the cycle of abuse".  It applies here, no matter what flack I take for it.

Are men excused because of this?  No, of course not.

NEITHER ARE THE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN THAT START THIS FIRE OR POUR PETROL ON IT.
 
Want men to behave better?
 
Get the women they date before they approach you to stop doing the female version of the shitty behaviour this thread complains about.  If you want to be gender biased then I say have your own gender COP to their culpability in this.

_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 10:17:55 PM   
darkslife


Posts: 43
Joined: 3/21/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe you should move to Australia, I know of few guys in their 20s/30s who are married.

But then again, I know of more women who have cheated then men, so maybe Im an anomaly.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 10:43:08 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		as someone who's spent a lot of time in Oz I can vouchesafe what darkslife said.

and I might add that women in general (particularly in Kinkworld) seem to want men to adhere to the Spirit of the Law versus the Letter of it.

And yet, how many women are there that say "I didn't cheat, I just flirted, gave a kiss, took some free drinks, maybe a handjob, never 'slept' with the other guy" and pretend that's alright becasue the LETTER of the law was adhered to, when all the women reading this would know how THEY would feel if THEIR man gave a clit rub to another woman and said "I never penetrated her so I did not cheat"?  Would you feel okay with that? No, of COURSE not.

So vcop to it - unless you've been living with the goddamn penguins in Happy Feet or in the Amazon or under a rock, all of you ladies know women whom have "worked it" and know THEY CHEATED and had no interest in monog by the SPIRIT of the law versus the letter. And I know TONS of men that WANT the full package and stop seeing a woman because SHE'S the one that can't or won;t give it, oodles of guys that want to do the right thing (even after being burned).

there's a woman who really wants to meet me, we are "mostly" compatible", and frankly even though we havn't even MET yet or kissed I'm nearly ready to kill my profile here and not post until afetr we see how things go just on the ODD CHANCE it might heurt her feelings, even though we've spoken about unrealistic expectations before a meeting occurs.  before a couple of dates happen.  Ths is true of ANY lifestyle, so why the hell do people whom are kinky think it's different for them?!  It's fucking INSANE and maddening.

One poor sod I know got taken off a site not too similar to this.  Woman made him think she was his "soul mate".  Also asked him way too many questions about his income and prospects.  Teased him with potential meetings and "I have never loved anyone such as I love you" and did they meet?

No, she always had a bill to pay, told him that if he could help her out, then the meet could happen.

Several thousand $ later, NOTHING.  Guy was completely conned.  She's only one of hundreds of stories. Did she end up having a live in man who was completely unaware?  hell yes.  is SHE any better than the men complained about in this thread and all like it?  HELL NO.  Does her behaviour (and that of all women like her) have a DIRECT IMPACT leading to an increase in the behaviour of men being complained about in this thread?  HELL YES THREE TIMES.

And any woman whom claims she doesn;t know girls like this is either lying or has lived on VENUS for the past 40 years.



_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to darkslife)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 10:58:23 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I spoke with a few women and met even fewer off of this thang ...but it seems to be a rather constant that these women have complained of meeting married men that forgot ot mention this fact in their profile.(probably one of those little details that just slipped their minds...lol) 

Maybe they just consider you all as easy fodder for fucking..."I said I'm a dom and you claimed to be a sub...So let's fuck."  The other aspect is the old saying "that men want a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom."
Either way...if you want avoid them, make it clear...that before you engage in "adult activities" you would like to see a form of I.D....if they are married that they will receive several letters mailed out to the Mrs. and their employer as well...Might want to stick this gem in your own profile...I imagine you will find your in box messages cutdown dramatically....Just a thought.

Remember men  don't need a reason...just the opportunity and a place.  Bastards!!!

So don't sweat the petty stuff ....and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

(in reply to darkslife)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:01:24 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HatesParisHilton

I know I'll get ptchforks and torches for saying this, but the problem addressed by the OP is not limited to "men" in the scene (or vanilla  life).  There are TONS of women who are married or in monog relationships and "work it" unbeknownst to their "Other".  So I am flagging that due to the massive gender bias here (which is almost always the case in a thread topic of this type).

Men steal, so do women.  men abuse, so do women. 

part of the problem with men's behaviour towards women and acting untrustworthy is that THEIR trust has been abused, part of the reason some avoid monog or approach women while they have someone else at home is a woman DID THE SAME TO THEM, beforehand.

There's a term called "the cycle of abuse".  It applies here, no matter what flack I take for it.

Are men excused because of this?  No, of course not.

NEITHER ARE THE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN THAT START THIS FIRE OR POUR PETROL ON IT.
 
Want men to behave better?
 
Get the women they date before they approach you to stop doing the female version of the shitty behaviour this thread complains about.  If you want to be gender biased then I say have your own gender COP to their culpability in this.


Oh yeah, make an innocent woman suffer for what someone else did. Typical male behavior. I've been hurt plenty of times and I NEVER take it out on new guys I meet.  Yet they want to take it out on me. Punish me for something I didn't do.  How fair is that?

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 1/13/2007 11:04:19 PM >

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:08:52 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		"Oh yeah, make an innocent woman suffer for what someone else did. Typical male behavior. I've been hurt plenty of times and I NEVER take it out on new guys I meet. "

I never said that and I never said you did.  And as usual the "typical male behaviour" card gets played while you IGNORE what I'm saying.

I'm not talking about you, or what you do.

I'm saying you need to take into account what other women do to any guy, from late teens to early twenties, BEFORE HE MEETS YOU.

and if you wanna play that cvard as you did above, I'll play THIS one:

if anyone sees a bully bashing a victim and does nothing, they are in defacto collusion.  If someone sees an abuse (even of trust) occur and they do nothing, they collude, they are part f that.

Which includes any time you saw a woman doing the dirty on a guy like you are complaining about a guy doing the dirty on a woman, or you.

If you are not willing to stand up to such a woman and state that she should change her behaviour, you have NO right to complain about the male version of that behaviour.  SORRY, FULL STOP, PERIOD.

It's not a blame game, sweets.  BOTH sides have to stop BOTH genders from BEHAVING BADLY, or nothing improves, and that's all there is to it.



_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:17:39 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		As a matter of fact, I have jumped guys I thought were treating women wrong. One of them was one of my best friends and I told him off big time. I would also do the same with a woman I thought was being cruel to a man. I just haven't seen it yet. What I'm saying is that I've heard this alot from men. They get screwed over once or twice and are out to make any innocent woman they can find pay. I can't be understanding of a guy that is cruel to a woman who treats him like gold for something someone else did in the past. As I said, I don't do that to anyone.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 1/13/2007 11:22:37 PM >

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:21:49 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		"As a matter of fact, I have jumped guys I thought were treating women wrong."

again you are choosing to ignore what I am saying, like you compplain about men ignoring "doing the right thing".

Have you ever jumped a WOMAN who was doing the wrong thing to their MAN?

If you have not, you have no right to complain non this topic nor does any other woman.

Tell me about any time you put a WOMAN in her place for abusing trust.

Until you can, you need a long hard think, versus an immediate emotional reaction.

_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:25:56 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I would do just that if I ever saw it, providing I had her phone # or email address.  I'm only 5'4 and I don't want to end up in the hospital.

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:34:53 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		What I'm saying is that men need to stop using us as playtoys and dating vanilla women who can't fulfill all of their needs.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:40:36 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		you don;t need those.  you can just politely ask to have a quiet word and tell her that you have no problem with her as an individual, but what she's doing makes it hard for women across the globe.

It's a matter of fairplay.

You know that, I know that, the people reading this know that.  You'll decide what you do from now on and whether you're being fair on this topic.  You'll now the next time you see a woman doing to a man what you loathe a man doing to you if you need to say anything, and if you don't, you'll feel it in your gut even if you don;t want to and feel it again thre next time you wish to broach this topic online or in person or when some guy does te wrong thing to yourself.

I'm not asking you do be less angry or hurt.  I'm just asking you to THINK for a moment and put the feelings aside, as many MEN have had to do and women too.  And go into that equanimonous place the nexct time anything like this happens to you or someone else.

I also ask you to step forward and offea caring hand if you ever encounter a male going through this, a gentle sympathetic word to him.  Especially if he is under thirty.

Why?

Because if you do, I guarantee you, you will help that man become someone who stands AGAINST scummy male behavior ala this thread and others.

If you don;t, and he KNOWS you could?  Catches your eye and knows you saw what happened to him?

I hate to let you into a part of the psyche of many men (not all), bit you will help CREATE the kind of man you have been hurt by.  he will think "why bother being good and fair when she saw and did nothing, said nothing?".

Not saying that's the case for all men, but you'd be surprised at how many it DOES apply to.

With that, I widh you well, hope the best for you, and hope you meet a GOOD man as soon as is good for you.

Slainte.

_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:43:08 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		"What I'm saying is that men need to stop using us as playtoys and dating vanilla women who can't fulfill all of their needs."

I completely agree with that.  But many times the vanila women have played them for fools and abused the male's trust as well, and I ask you to take that into account.

I had to add that after the above for your own sake.

_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/13/2007 11:53:22 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		If the vanilla women have used them and played them for fools, then why do they prefer to date them over bdsm women? Sometimes I wish I was vanilla. Maybe then I could get a date instead of being a secret playtoy.

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 12:10:31 AM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		"If the vanilla women have used them and played them for fools, then why do they prefer to date them over bdsm women? Sometimes I wish I was vanilla. Maybe then I could get a date instead of being a secret playtoy."

Okay, I feel the need to answer that.

If you date a vanilla and only do nilla sex, there's no potential backlash, for one.  Nobody loses a place in their career over getting a blowjob or fucking someone vaginally doggystyle.  So when you ask what you asked, you need to think about what career that guy has.

next, a lot of times, people get engaged or married way too early (I think no-one should committ like that if they are under 30 plus if they have not lived with someone for over a year).  Too many people (in many countries, including the USA) GET "hitched" way too early, and a lot of guys marry into nilla thinking that's their only option.  Never occurs to them that they might get the benefits of a nilla marriage PLUS kink.  Again, I am not speaking for all men, but a large amount.  So they get into something that emotionally they are committed to and cannot leave, yet theyneed something else, and had they known they could have dated someone like you before they got a nilla ball and chain, things might have been different. 

You also might want to consider that people in their thirties now had a different situation RE getting hitched or waiting or exploring over the net versus men/women in their 20's.  By the time a lad could realize he could have "waited" for a woman like you, it's often "too late".  Sad but true.

another important point to consider is REGION.  your profile basically puts you in the Bible Belt.  That area is MUCH different in regards to how men do what they do as opposed to New York or Sacramento or San Fran or Seattle.  People get married too damn early there, then they flip out later.  The cultural pressures over being nilla are FAR greater, the fall out for being "out" are MUCH worse.

I think if you were approached by dom men in more metro areas this would be different for you.  I think you'd find that many kinky men in metro areas are VERY much into monog and never having a nilla partner and then a kinky woman on the side.

Food for thought.

Anyway, despite previous posts of mine, please think about what I say necxt:

I'm on YOUR side here.

I just want you to THINK about what your side means.  That's all.


_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 12:40:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl
If the vanilla women have used them and played them for fools, then why do they prefer to date them over bdsm women? Sometimes I wish I was vanilla. Maybe then I could get a date instead of being a secret playtoy.

Look Defiant, the only way you get treated like a secret playtoy is either you consent to the issue, or you get lied to.

The lying to is frustrating, but you can learn the signals to that and avoid it almost completely.

The consent part- that's all on you.

Almost all of your threads on CM have been in frustration about not finding the right man- you're almost as infuriating as Bridget Jones.  PLENTY of women your age find PLENTY of fabulous men who fit all of your criteria.

You can either deal with what's out there or not- but stop suggesting there's simply no options out there or that you are a helpless victim in all this.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 1:16:31 AM   
talibahh


Posts: 389
Joined: 4/9/2006
From: NSW Australia
Status: offline 		edited

< Message edited by talibahh -- 1/14/2007 1:34:53 AM >

_____________________________

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time" ~ Sir Winston Churchill

in giving You my freedom, i gain the freedom to be me ...
~ tali ~

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 1:39:02 AM   
mgdartist


Posts: 328
Joined: 5/13/2006
From: irving tx
Status: offline 		So this the smackdown defiantbadgirl thread I guess.
LA why you gotta bust her around so hard? She's makin some valid complaints. And hates, you may have wound up sayin you were on her side man, but you sure coulda fooled me. Far as I can tell out here, it's us men victimizing women far more than the reverse. To come in here and say otherwise just makes you look vindictive or blind. I'm not a guy who's been overly successful on CM, but If what she's sayin is how it was, then she's got every right to post here, ask advice, and complain as she see's fit. Far as im concerned, it couldnt happen to a nicer buncha married 2 timing fucks. The hardass tough-love in this forum for people like her leaves a lot to be desired in my opinion. Even if she's a teeny bit off the mark this time, you think she'll ever come back up in here later on with a real problem to be helped?
I sure as hell wouldn't, and were I her right now, would rue the day I ever made this thread, even though there's little wrong with what she postulates.

I think you guys are to quick to bust on people with problems and concerns, when we should be supportive and care about each other more. Doesn't take much to be a little empathetic. Or maybe your perceptions are so perfect, and insights so valid you can condescend here at will?
Ok then, bust on this. I think whats happened it this thread is a prime example of why so many say CM sucks, and are pretty much spot on.  Humorless, pitiless, cold people who enjoy belittling those whe aren't perhaps as well able to cope as themselves. We are all in the same boat here you know?, and I keep seeing ladies fucked with, and not getting enough support from their sub sisters. So when I come in and read so many things and watch defiantbadgirl get bounced off the ropes so many times, It kinda makes me pissed off.
You want somebody to just bust on?
I'm your Huckleberry, bring it.


MGD


_____________________________



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 1:55:52 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I wonder that too sometimes. IF you know you're kinky why court woo date and then why try to make things go in a vanilla. going the rout of courting and wooing bdsm women seems easier

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 2:17:03 AM   
subcaz


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/5/2007
Status: offline 		Totally agree with Lucky people who are liars can be frustrating and as she stated start looing for the warning signs. Everyone has the ability to use their gut instinct about others. It may take time to recognise those inner feelings you have but if you go with them majority of the time it proves to be right.
 
Talibahh couldn't have said it better no one fits in boxes so don't try putting people in them.
 
Each of us are individuals so judge everyone for what they are not any previous experiences you may or may not have had along your journey through life.
 
Don't know many in vanilla or this lifestyle to which I'm fairly new who hasn't been hurt in some way.  Yet constantly carrying that hurt forward will only harm you more in the long run.
 
My view on life may be very different from yours defiant for I feel that often peoples paths are meant to cross maybe for a reason, a time or a season. I have twice now dated guys who were seperated but later returned to their partners. I am still good friends with them and also found they each helped me during a specific period in my life too. The boundary between a sexual relationship has never been crossed since they returned back home. Yet I can say in all honestly am pleased they were able to work things out instead of maybe being bitter about losing a great guy. They know I'm around to listen and help should the need arise and they are doing the same for me.
 
It could be those encounters for me have lead me towards the path I'm now starting upon within bdsm for they helped bring out the inner me.
 
I can but thank the lovely Dom who found me elsewhere for being on CM now. He requested that I join so as not to feel alone or scared about things whilst under his instruction and training. Through several months of communication before meeting he saw the inner part of me that was seeking to be released.
 

(in reply to talibahh)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 2:37:31 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Replying to no one in particular:

i wear a size 5 or 5.5 shoe.  i would have a shoe style in my mind and take off to the mall and come home empty-handed and complain that i couldn't find anything i liked in my size!  To avoid further shoe-frustration, i now shop for shoes without any particular style in mind, and just look at what is available in my size.  Once i did that, i found all kinds of cute shoes and my closet is full once more!

Sure, there are some people who have a particular relationship in mind and can go out and find that exact special someone but i think that's the exception not the rule. There are plenty of days when i feel sad that i haven't found my life's partner and it's okay to feel sad, frustrated, and say "why me" or "why not me"?  By not worrying about the specifics, i have had many wonderful experiences with generally great guys.  i haven't found that one special relationship but i sure have had some fun "shopping".

i can't change the size of my feet any more than i can change the demographics of suitable partners but i can change my perception and my attitude. 


_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: men, dating, and bdsm Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.156