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RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 7:00:07 AM   
subjanine


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline 		when Master and i met we were both in 'vanilla' relationships however i have become a strong believer that we got together not solely because of the Ds but because we could be open and honest with each other our fantasies etc no longer had to be hidden, now we share the fun and excitement of our Ds lifestyle but we also share the day to day ups and downs. relationships are about give and take Ds and vanilla basically we are all individuals and deserve respect. i am just very lucky that i have found someone who can be there for me in all parts of my life, supportive to me in my carer and family life but also the most amazing Master and lover ever. why cant Master/sub be lover as well maybe in our lifestyle we are our own worst enemies ........... i would welcome any comments
subjanine

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 1/14/2007 7:36:12 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		I'll try my best to make my comments gender neutral because they apply to both.

The BDSM "lifestyle" attracts players because within our "community" we reference play all the time. Look how many posts and threads there has been adamant about how the activities we partake in are NOT emotional or sexual, or at minimum don't have to be emotional or sexual. Someone reading these comments without knowledge or experience would expect that this is a good place to play without any other expectation.

Looking at the nature of play, there is usually nakedness, touching, and a variety of sensations that aren't commonly involved in 'vanilla' pre-relationships. Or if they are, at the very least they are very different than vanilla dating. In vanilla, sex has an inference of intimacy which may lead to something, maybe even a relationship. In BDSM a session may or may not include anything other than the session. After the session the sex may occur a few hours later then the vanilla is home alone.

It isn't surprising that a vanilla considers our activities nothing more than play, we advertise it as such. We say we can go to a club, walk around with a checklist, negotiate a safe-word and "play" without concern of any prior knowledge of your play partner or concern about having a coffee with them afterward if is not part of your negotiated "scene". This is what we say can, and does happen in our world. Would a vanilla equate this activity as they would a vanilla date? They don't come here seeking or expecting anything more than what we allow them too when we play with them.

(in reply to subjanine)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 3:26:33 PM   
SATANMAN


Posts: 72
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		men and women are guilty but i never found any women to date much less marry in the BDSM style

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 3:35:51 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SATANMAN
men and women are guilty but i never found any women to date much less marry in the BDSM style
Are you datable?  Are you marriage material?
Did you fail to find because you see the women you play with as dirty?  Or are they all attached and not available for a relationship/marriage?    We're not talking failure to find based on disrespecting any woman who plays with you (not undestanding you may be from the school which says "I would never respect someone who would have me) are we?    M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to SATANMAN)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 3:45:59 PM   
Meerkad


Posts: 19
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		Interesting notion. I've had trouble with it, upon occassion, because the approval of my family is way too important with me. It's more an issue of women in the scene not fitting into their expectations for other reasons than BDSM, however. I've had several BDSM partners as well that I can introduce to the parents.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 3:47:44 PM   
Meerkad


Posts: 19
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

What I'm saying is that men need to stop using us as playtoys and dating vanilla women who can't fulfill all of their needs.


That is definitely not just men.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 3:59:04 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

I haven't really read through all the responses yet but here is what it boils down for me.

Cheating is wrong. That's it.

Dating vanilla doesn't bother me. That's how I met Valyraen. We had our kinky sex, he knew I was a submissive. I submitted to the possiblity of a life without much BDSM because I thought I might just fall in love with him and it would be worth it. I did fall in love and the further we went along and he began to realize what I suspected all along. He wasn't just kinky, he was dominant. Sometimes things just work out.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 4:11:17 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I haven't seen, read or heard of much evidence either way re: That men seeking a bdsm partner tend to marry (instead) "vanilla" women.

I suppose I've heard of circumstances where men (or women, for that matter) who had married "vanilla" then discovered their interest in bdsm later on, and maybe sought out those bdsm experiences while still being married to a "vanilla" partner.

But - I never read (or heard) anything that led me to believe that men interested in bdsm were rejecting women into bdsm as "marriage material", the way a man taught to only respect virgins would seek out a "whore" for sexual thrills, or anything like that - although I don't doubt that this happens.

In any case, if this is happening, how can the men not be sure the female is herself not seeking him out just as much for bdsm and-or sex?

Also - consider also that occasionally-mentioned statistic - that people who even desire bdsm activity only comprise about 10% of the population. With stats like that - why would it surprise anyone that some folks have "married vanillas"? There are more of them, after all, apparently.

My point is that believing in, or giving the kind of thinking the OP cites any credence is (IMO) validating some silly (and even destructive) double-standard, and even if it exists in reality. Buying into it personally in any way as "valid" strikes me as antiquated and unproductive in terms of making anyone particularly happy.

I should maybe explain though, that I tend to see bdsm as a valid sexual option, not something one necessarily has to feel odd about doing (regardless of the fact it might be prudent not to broadcast one's bdsm lifestyle to everyone on the planet - being comfortable engaging in it, and letting everyone I know realize I do this are not the same to me). I don't feel it is "abnormal" - I think it's completely "normal" - for me.

As far as having a relationship with someone who is basically ashamed of having an inclination toward bdsm - well, they wouldn't strike me as very attractive "long-term bdsm partner material". 


- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/15/2007 4:46:55 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 4:38:50 PM   
cjenny


Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SATANMAN

men and women are guilty but i never found any women to date much less marry in the BDSM style


quote:

ORIGINAL: Meerkad

Interesting notion. I've had trouble with it, upon occassion, because the approval of my family is way too important with me. It's more an issue of women in the scene not fitting into their expectations for other reasons than BDSM, however. I've had several BDSM partners as well that I can introduce to the parents.



Do you both see women involved with WIITWD as lesser than vanilla women in some way then?

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.


~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to SATANMAN)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 4:42:45 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SATANMAN

men and women are guilty but i never found any women to date much less marry in the BDSM style


Did I miss read your profile, I thought it read that you are Married and seeking a submisisve.  I'm not judging but I do have a question for you SATANMAN. 
I am assuming your wife isnt into the lifestyle and your seeking a sub to feed what you do not get at home.  BUT...... I have wondered all too often if a Sub to a Married male doesnt inadvertently get punished for what goes on at home.  Somewhat takes the punnishment for the non playing wife at times?  Can you offer your thoughts on this?




_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to SATANMAN)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: men, dating, and bdsm - 2/15/2007 5:06:09 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		That would certainly explain why he can't find someone within BDSM to marry with the bigamy laws and all.     M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 71
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