RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating

RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (Full Version)

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defiantbadgirl -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:20:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl What's even more messed up is that many of these same doms also go out with vanilla women and have no problem calling those vanilla encounters dates. They also have no problem falling in love and forming serious relationships and/or marrying these vanilla women. After all, there will always be some bdsm woman for them to use on the side so they can have their cake and eat it too. We are nothing but toys to them to use for temporary amusement. Once they abandon us, they probably get some sick pleasure out of thinking of us alone and crying. They have no respect for us. We are considered lower than dogs to these creeps. Your bitterness comes out in spades with this post... I suspecty someone hurt you and/or someone you care about very badly. You're very perceptive. I was hurt in such a manner. However, I have noticed from being on the boards that many OTHER bdsm women have been hurt in the same way. This is an ongoing problem for many of us, not just me. We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us.

MzMia -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:21:38 PM)
IMHO, many of the Female Dominants have similar issues. Believe me, many Female Dominants have had the same issues with submissive "males". You really have no idea, I just want to let you know, you are hardly alone.

EnglishPortia -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:27:18 PM)
Not forgetting of course the classic, yes I offer myself to you, but oops... I've just changed my mind.

slavegirljoy -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:36:33 PM)
This is true, although it certainly isn't limited to men who enjoy BDSM. Men (and women, too, for that matter) who say they "don't date" or, at least, "aren't dating at this time" want to "play around" and "play the field". They want to have fun and "be friends" and do what they enjoy, without any of the rituals or expectations that usually come with a "dating relationship". They want to be able to see who they want, when they want and not have to answer to anyone about it. This is nothing new and it's not something that only happens in the BDSM realm. Be thankful that the men are being honest with you from the start about not wanting to date, rather than lead you on and then tell you that they don't. You get to choose whether to get involved with them or not. If you aren't interested in playing around, then don't. If you want only to have a dating relationship and are interested in having a long term, commited relationship, then make that clearly known right from the start. There are plenty of men who enjoy BDSM and want a commitment and long term relationship, too. slave joy Owned property of Master David quote: ORIGINAL: subexploring I think that for the most part when a man says he doesn't want to "date", he is saying he wants to enjoy casual sex play with a lot of different partners. So he doesn't want the implied committment of "dating" you, which would at some point might commit him to not dating other people at the same time. I think at least some men in BDSM are there to enjoy a lifestyle that is focused on sex play, rather than emotional ties. At least that's my read on it.

innatedesire -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:43:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wingedangel The Courtship Rituals thread got me to thinking... what is the difference between vanilla and BDSM dating? Over the past couple of years, I have come across more than one Dom who makes a distinction between them, yet it feels the same to me. We go out to dinner, to the movies, to amusement parks, the beach, the mall, whatever... all the things I did when dating strictly vanilla men. Yet, each of them has said something along the lines of 'I don't want to date anyone right now' When I asked about it, all I got was 'this is BDSM'. Time for you to change your profile and be very specific in what you want and what you are looking for, last time i checked being submissive did not mean that you did not get to choose who you want, nor did it mean that you are not allowed to say what it is you want. What is the difference? Just because at some point during the evening I usually ended up tied up and flogged or something, does that somehow change it from a date into something else? Is it something akin to the Madonna complex, where just because I am submissive and allow them to dominate me that automatically makes me not dating material? You allowed them to tie you up and flog you? We teach others how to treat us; just because he says he is a Dom/Master does not mean you have to do anything, he is not your Dom/Master. If you are hoping that by submitting yourself to them that they will somehow change thier mind about what they are seeking, and somehow fall head over heels, you will end up being bound and flogged and broken hearted; not a good thing. To me, it is all connected. I don't want a partner who isn't kinky, but I don't want just kink, either. I want the whole package. Still, it seems rather common to find that Doms don't 'date'. So, if it isn't a date, what is it? Then you need to state very clearly what it is you want. I am not trying to sound mean here but its time for you to make some changes as it is obviously not working for you. Thoughts? Comments? edited because I can't spell today.

KnightofMists -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:52:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us. mmmmmmm so just the women need to figure this out uh? Why are you trying to change these um individuals.... how about just learning to avoid such individuals... learn how to identify individuals of character that you can admire and respect. Individuals of character that admire and respect others. Instead of trying to feed the world... why not learn to feed yourself first.

juliaoceania -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 6:57:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us. mmmmmmm so just the women need to figure this out uh? Why are you trying to change these um individuals.... how about just learning to avoid such individuals... learn how to identify individuals of character that you can admire and respect. Individuals of character that admire and respect others. Instead of trying to feed the world... why not learn to feed yourself first. Amen!

innatedesire -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 7:45:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl We as women need to somehow figure out a way to get doms to change the way they see us. mmmmmmm so just the women need to figure this out uh? Why are you trying to change these um individuals.... how about just learning to avoid such individuals... learn how to identify individuals of character that you can admire and respect. Individuals of character that admire and respect others. Instead of trying to feed the world... why not learn to feed yourself first. Amen! I second this........Are we not accountable for our own choices? Why is it thier fault that they do not meet your expectations?

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 8:28:28 PM)
I very much agree that such men should be avoided. The only problem is, there are too few who aren't that way. Not nearly enough to go around. That's why the jerks need to be convinced to start dating bdsm women instead of vanillas.

ShadowsLap -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/14/2007 9:13:58 PM)
I hurt for all the pain I hear in your posts, defiantbadgirl. It has been my experience, though, that there is nothing ... NOTHING you can do to change someone else. You must change your own perspective. That doesn't mean change what you are looking for ... what will satisfy your needs ... it just means to try looking at things from a perspective that meets YOUR needs. In order to do that, though, you must know yourself. If you meet Doms who aren't on the level of your expectations, walk away. There's no shame in that. Yes, you may be lonely. Yes, you may not have someone to play with; but you will have your dignity and in time the chance to meet someone who MORE than fulfills your expectations. Do I have a Dom/me partner in my life? No. But I held out until I found a Dom/me couple who is a great fit and They are a tremendous help to me in meeting other like-minded Dom/mes and perhaps soon I will have One in my life. A very wise One once told me that just because you are submissive, doesn't mean you have no choices ... that you have no say in the decisions which affect your life. It is an important decision you make to allow someone to dominate you and YOU have the responsibility to yourself to make sure the One who has that control is a good fit. I understand what Dom/mes are saying when they say they don't date. For me, personally, I know that whoever is going to be a dominant in my life will HAVE to date me. There is way too much about me to get to know than can possibly be shared over coffee or on a first "meeting". Be well, be kinder to yourself and best of luck in your search. ShadowsLap

Dnomyar -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 6:04:06 AM)
defiantbadgirl. it is obivious that your still hooked on the guy. Give it up and move on.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 6:46:20 AM)
Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on? I've found that all the doms and switches in this area are either older and bald, already taken, or only date vanilla women. Here are my standards. He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this. So you see, it's not a problem of refusing to move on. It's the lack of decent doms to move on to.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 7:36:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on? Not if you are still emotionally tied to him and dwelling on it while in your search. Remaining in the past does not allow us to move forward, even if we think we are trying to. Letting go enables people to move forward. If I use my past pains as the sole basis for judging my future, and make my decisions based on it, I have not let go.

KnightofMists -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 7:54:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on? Not if you are still emotionally tied to him and dwelling on it while in your search. Remaining in the past does not allow us to move forward, even if we think we are trying to. Letting go enables people to move forward. If I use my past pains as the sole basis for judging my future, and make my decisions based on it, I have not let go. What is sad to consider is that the very pain she is holding onto of the past that is colouring her perceptions of today and tomorrow will affect how Dominants will view her. It could very well be that many of those few acceptable Dominants in her eyes would not view her as acceptable. Making her search all the more difficult.

juliaoceania -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 7:54:45 AM)
quote: He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this. My list was extensively longer than this. I was willing to date outside of my area though too. Also, I do not understand "must have his own hair and teeth" thing. Some people your age lack these things. 33 is not exactly old, but it is not like you are 20 or something either. I knew guys I went to high school with that started losing their hair when they were like 25 or so. Believe it or not, that standard is probably not serving you very well. My brother in law lost most of his teeth by 30, and he is a very attractive man, and he has always worked, and he buys my sister almost anything she wants[;)] Perhaps you are not setting the "right" standards? You should make a list of everything you want in a person, just do not get upset when someone else does not meet your expectations. I do not think you are hearing most of us, yet again, I do not think that you really want to. You would be much better served to work at making you the most appealing person you can, inside and out, then expecting anything from anyone else. I have this video that perhaps will serve you more than anything I can say to you, if you do not want to watch it, don't, but you are one of the people I have read on here that could possibly use it more than others (well maybe michaelga could use it too). There is a part of this video that focuses on how to change our thoughts about relationships to attract the kind of relationship we want and need. http://www.allabreve.org/thesecret.htm One last thing, you really do not need to state "no players" on your profile, it creates a much more positive vibe to focus on that you want, instead of that which you do not.

Donnalee -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 7:57:49 AM)
quote: Doesn't searching for someone else qualify as moving on? I've found that all the doms and switches in this area are either older and bald, already taken, or only date vanilla women. Here are my standards. He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this. So you see, it's not a problem of refusing to move on. It's the lack of decent doms to move on to. LOL! Good thing you don't live near me! We have a tooth/tattoo ratio that goes into the mix also! (I'm having spelling trouble today..)

KnightofMists -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 7:59:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I do not think you are hearing most of us, yet again, I do not think that you really want to. You can lead the horse to water.... but you can't make them drink..

ownedgirlie -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 8:01:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists What is sad to consider is that the very pain she is holding onto of the past that is colouring her perceptions of today and tomorrow will affect how Dominants will view her. It could very well be that many of those few acceptable Dominants in her eyes would not view her as acceptable. Making her search all the more difficult. Very true, Knight, as I suffered this same experience in my own past.

mstrjx -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 8:08:20 AM)
Although I haven't done any casual play for ages, whenever I had play partners they would come over to my home and we would play. These people I would have known from a group. If I was playing with someone because their dom/Master wanted me to play with them, they would come over to my home and we would play. If I were meeting someone with the thoughts of pursuing a relationship, we would meet somewhere (if you want to call it a date, I suppose that would be a stretch), discuss, then if all was working well we would go back to my home and we would play. Sometime within the next week, two at the most, she would have moved in. I realize I don't seem to live in the same world with the same rules as the rest of you, but this has been my experience. If you claim that these were ultimately unsuccessful relationships, I might counter that the shortest of these lasted 8 months while two of the longest lasted 5 and 7 years. For my next trick, if ever one comes to be, it might be different. I know my selection process is now far different but like I said in the 'ritual' thread, once it happens it moves VERY quickly. The only complaints I've had over the years were my own. Hence a different selection criteria. Jeff

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Vanilla dating vs. BDSM dating (1/15/2007 8:19:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: He must have a job, his own transportation, and all his hair and front teeth. He must not expect sex outside of a monogamous relationship. He must be willing to date a bdsm woman, not just vanilla. Most people have a much longer list than this. My list was extensively longer than this. I was willing to date outside of my area though too. Also, I do not understand "must have his own hair and teeth" thing. Some people your age lack these things. 33 is not exactly old, but it is not like you are 20 or something either. I knew guys I went to high school with that started losing their hair when they were like 25 or so. Believe it or not, that standard is probably not serving you very well. My brother in law lost most of his teeth by 30, and he is a very attractive man, and he has always worked, and he buys my sister almost anything she wants[;)] Perhaps you are not setting the "right" standards? You should make a list of everything you want in a person, just do not get upset when someone else does not meet your expectations. I do not think you are hearing most of us, yet again, I do not think that you really want to. You would be much better served to work at making you the most appealing person you can, inside and out, then expecting anything from anyone else. I have this video that perhaps will serve you more than anything I can say to you, if you do not want to watch it, don't, but you are one of the people I have read on here that could possibly use it more than others (well maybe michaelga could use it too). There is a part of this video that focuses on how to change our thoughts about relationships to attract the kind of relationship we want and need. http://www.allabreve.org/thesecret.htm One last thing, you really do not need to state "no players" on your profile, it creates a much more positive vibe to focus on that you want, instead of that which you do not. Thanks for the link. I also took the statement no players out of my profile. About the hair and front teeth thing.........the front teeth can be real or crowns it makes no difference to me as long as there aren't ugly gaps right in front when they smile. I'm afraid there is nothing I can do about the hair thing. One has to be attracted to a potential mate and I'm just not attracted to balding men. There is no need for men to be bald anyway when there are hair restoration clinics all over the place. I would have no problem being attracted to a man who was a bit overweight and had average looks. I don't expect perfection.

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