Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

My Dom is a serial cheater....


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> My Dom is a serial cheater.... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 7:13:26 PM   
seekingsubspace


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline 		Hi All,
I have been in my first Dom/slave relationship for over a year.  I am completly in love with him but he has cheated on me several times with the same woman. I think there are more than one other but she is the only one that I know about absolutly. When I found out about her the first time, I confronted him and we decided to try and work it out together. A few weeks later he cheated on me again with her.  Again we decided to try and work it out together.  That was a few months ago but now I think he is cheating on me again! I don't have any concrete proof and I don't want to accuse him if its not true. Because this is my first BDSM relationship, I don't really know the rules.  If I am his slave and he controls everything, does that mean that he can see other women if he wants?  Is me acquiesing in this behavior part of good service?  Any advice from a sub/slave who has been in a similar situation?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 7:42:51 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Your relationship is whatever you negotiate with your Dom. If you both agreed to be monogomous with each other, then he's breaking the promise and agreement, and unless there are some bizarre extenuating circumstances (a psychological, hostile alien takeover of his brain comes to mind), you're going to have to examine whether or not you can remain comfortable with someone who is going to lie to you, or whether you are comfortable negotiating a relationship where he can fool around to his domly heart's regards.

There is no textbook definition of what rights you give up by being a submissive. Only what you agree to in communication with your partner. Breaking the agreement is no different than breaking an agreement you would have in a vanilla relationship.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 7:59:09 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		If you didn't agree he could see other women, then you have to decide if you're willing to put up with his having another women on the sly. an no putting up with his cheating is not part of being a good submissive or being of good service.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 8:13:42 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline 		i don't mean to sound insinsitive, but, since humans are not inherently monogamous, this does not come as a surprise to me. it just isn't in our nature. it's only how society programs us to try and supress this part of our lives and teaches us the morality of it that makes most of us less likely (but not entirely) to commit this act in our lives.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 8:17:01 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingsubspace
 If I am his slave and he controls everything, does that mean that he can see other women if he wants?

It does if that is the relationship you both agreed to.  Since he's admitted to cheating and admitted it was wrong of him already, then obviously it's not acceptable in this relationship.
 
If he wanted to fuck other women, he needed to inform you of that before any commitment was made.
quote:
  Is me acquiesing in this behavior part of good service? 

No, it's you deciding what you will and will not accept for yourself.
quote:

Any advice from a sub/slave who has been in a similar situation?

If you are ok with him fucking other women, then you two need to sit down and make agreements on this- obviously more rigorous sexual disease screening will need to be enforced as well as needing to know where he's actually going when he goes out in case of an emergency.

If you aren't ok with him fucking other women, I'd suggest you end it.  The fact that he's repeated the cheating shows me that he really doesn't want monogamy.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 8:30:18 PM   
GrizzlyBear


Posts: 278
Joined: 3/26/2004
From: Missoula Montana
Status: offline 		By saying he cheated, you imply that he promised you monogamy, and he lied to you about what he was doing.  IF he broke a promise and lied about it, you certainly have reason not to trust him.  Since trust is such a large and important portion of any D/s relationship, you might want to reconsider whether or not you want to continue in the relationship. 

However, if he did not make you such a promise you have no right to expect it of him.  I wouldn't say that monogamy is not expected in the world of BDSM, but it should definitely not be assumed.

_____________________________

GrizzlyBear

"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came. He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 9:07:23 PM   
denika


Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline 		Alot of what you wrote made some serious red flags pop up in my mind.  Slave does not meet doormat. And even in the poly world there is such a thing as cheating, it's called lying. Has he brought up poly with you? Or does he just expect you to 'suck it up and cope' sorry that might sound harsh but  from what you wrote it seems like you are setting yourself up for a failed relationship. You need to be very clear with him and yourself  with what you can realisticly live with. If he is already lying to you what kind of example of leadership is he setting for you to follow?


denika

(in reply to GrizzlyBear)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 9:15:28 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		It depends on what *school* of slavery you practice. Some say the Owner can have as many slaves as they care to own. Some say that it depends on what you negotiate. Personally I believe it depends upon what you negotiate with him. If he agreed to monogamy and he is fooling around, not only is he a cheater but also a liar. Lying in any relationship is deterimental and its even worse in a BDSM one where trust is paramount.

So if he isn't living up to what the two of you agreed upon its time to decide whether he is worth sticking around for or if its time to move on.

You sound pretty new to the B DSM world, you may want to read some books and educate yourself further so in the future you have a good idea of what it is your getting into.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 9:41:27 PM   
LadySeraphina


Posts: 931
Joined: 3/28/2006
From: Calgary, Canada
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the above, and from a bit different perspective.

I'm a proDomme, so I play with many boys (and girls, but mostly boys). I set certain rules about what I do and don't do with them, and I stick to that. Beyond that, I am 100% monogamous and faithful to my beloved houseboy. Regarding the idea that humans aren't naturally monogamous, I would have to argue that many of us are not naturally poly either. I for one have explored that venue, and it didn't work for me.

Good luck, no matter what you decide.

_____________________________

"Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." -Unknown

www.LadySeraphina.ca

www.SeraphinasToybox.com.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 10:00:01 PM   
HatesParisHilton


Posts: 3513
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline 		when I dated a certain Bi sexual ass lass, she stated that she'd be with other women outside our relationship if need be because I as a man could not fulfill her needs that were filled by women.

I looked her in the eyes, unblinking, and said "fine, there are things you can't do for ME, EITHER.  So if you can get your other needs met, so can I."

she balked using her sexuality as a spineless excuse to sleep with others while claiming I couldn't because I was hetero.

My reply was monog is monog, open/poly is open/poly, no matter what.  If she gets to play around, so do I, no excuses, no if ands or buts.

I suggest you tell this dom of yours the same, that you'll sleep with/play with any man you like, and see how he reacts.

what's good for the goose is good for the gander and vice versa.

_____________________________

I am (now) "Hiltie", hear me ROARRRRR! And have a cuffy cake, they're nice.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/14/2007 10:27:54 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Ok, I read your profile which was made today, you have "seeking dominant men" on there. Unless you have told him of this profile and that you are seeking others, it seems you are "guilty" of the same crime. You may have not met anyone yet, but you are seeking them. Unless he consented, it is wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right, it only makes a bigger mess for us to wade through.

Frankly, I have trouble feeling sorry for you.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 3:33:12 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		julia has a point.  Is this tit for tat?  If it is, well, then there is no answer necessary.  If you're simply hedging your bets (so to speak) again, I think you already have your answer.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 6:06:03 AM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		I see that you say 'we decided to work it out together' after the confrontations.  There was no mention whether he agreed/disagreed not to be with others, at all, which makes me wonder what sort of 'working it out' was done.  If he agreed not to be with others, then he lied plain and simple, and I'd begin wondering about his character overall, and how far lying extends in his life.  If he didn't say that in so many words, there was a break down in communication somewhere along the way and another sit down is in order, and some hard decisions to be made.








_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 6:30:40 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		If you both negotiated a monagamous relationship, then cheating is cheating. It does not matter if it is a vanilla relationship or M/s. He will keep doing it til you leave or confront him. You do have the right to leave if the negotiated relationship has been broken.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 6:47:09 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		By the way your question was worded, you've already had these discussions with him.  Everyone's scenerio's don't fit.
4th sentence in your question states you have already had this talk with him.  He was going to work it out with you.
He then goes off and cheats again.
You know he is cheating.  You know it is not acceptable behavior because afterall you've had this talk before.
So, question is what do you want to do about it?  Are you asking us if it is ok to leave him?  To stay with him?
Can you continue to share him with numerous others and be happy?
You need to take a good look at your relationship and decide what you can live with.  Then carry that out.  If it is leaving it won't be easy but then anything worth doing in life isn't either.

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 6:56:59 AM   
RandomGAGirl


Posts: 57
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		From what you said he has admitted that his behavior is not acceptable and not something you agreed upon when you went into the relationship.  That said you have every right to be angry/hurt and even if this is a D/s situation you don't HAVE to  put up with anything you don't want to.  In my opinion D/s relationships require a LOT of trust and it is hard to continue trusting someone who is sneaking around doing things they know are going to upset you and put a strain on your relationship.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 7:59:12 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I am of the thinking that a Master may have as many slaves and relationships as he chooses; the slave does not decide this for him.  As such, a Master does not "cheat," he simply indulges in the pleasures of his choice.  However, I am also of the thinking that a relationship of any kind that is filled with lies will ultimately meet its destruction.  Trust is crucial here, and if you can not trust what your Master is telling you, then trust will wane.  I believe it is a Master's right to lie to his slave or tell his slave whatever he feels is appropriate, however, he should also be aware of the possible consequences of such. 

If he has decided he wishes to continue these activities outside your relationship, the only choices I see you having is to figure out a way to accept it, or to not remain in the relationship.  It appears to me that he is not the one who will change in this particular dynamic.

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 8:06:17 AM   
SlaveAkasha


Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Just because you are a slave doesn't give your Dom any more right to cheat than any person in any other relationship.  I will assume by the way you are talking that it wasn't agreed upon for him to see others before you entered into the relationship.
 
You need to put your foot down now, or not complain when it keeps happening.  Moving on might not be the only solution, but you might have to be open to it being the best one for you.  He could quit cheating, it has happened, but since you have talked to him about it before, I wouldn't hold my breath on it.
 
You deserve a partner, be they Dom or not, that knows how to be faithful to the one they claim to care about.
 
I hope you will step back and think long and hard about the future and if this is how you want to live it.
 
Best Wishes,
Kasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 9:19:32 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingsubspace

Hi All,
I have been in my first Dom/slave relationship for over a year.  I am completly in love with him but he has cheated on me several times with the same woman. I think there are more than one other but she is the only one that I know about absolutly. When I found out about her the first time, I confronted him and we decided to try and work it out together. A few weeks later he cheated on me again with her.  Again we decided to try and work it out together.  That was a few months ago but now I think he is cheating on me again! I don't have any concrete proof and I don't want to accuse him if its not true. Because this is my first BDSM relationship, I don't really know the rules.  If I am his slave and he controls everything, does that mean that he can see other women if he wants?  Is me acquiesing in this behavior part of good service?  Any advice from a sub/slave who has been in a similar situation?

Hell I was in an open relationship with my first Sir.
While we were open there were rules of engagement he'd laid down.
He was such a cheater even though I'm not jealous and did not mind him seeing others in the least he still ran around behind my back and not out in the open.
I think even though I was OK he still feared I was faking it and his own neurosis made him uncomfortable enough to think he should lie and sneak.
Hell I was told no one would come in his house where we lived and no poly relations were to be considered without my consent. Not only did I not know he was seeing my eventual sister sub, but she was a part of our family before I had any clue.
To boot she started with her relationship was with him, not me and she had no intention of even trying to be my friend, but tried to poison his mind toward me.
Guys cheat, women cheat, immaturity and fear make them hide their true selves.
Sorry this is happening to you, I know how this sucks your spirit dry and hurts you. I thin we all do.
Hugs, and Strength to you dear,
suzanne

(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... - 1/15/2007 1:29:36 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Why are you wasting your time. If you had a talk with him and it didnt stop- it never will- doesnt sound like he really gives a shit about any one but himself

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to seekingsubspace)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> My Dom is a serial cheater.... Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078