MsStarlett
Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
That was when the CLICK in my head happened.
(Y'all are just going to have to deal with my lack of spell checker on this one.)
I'm going to assume this thread is about that "Click" moment. I've had a lot of Clicks in my life, but coming into my Dominance has been more like turning up the dimmer switch...very slowly... a little at a time.
From the cradle, I was surrounded by 'Domineering' women. Not realy the same, but still, the consept of the strong female head of household was all that I ever knew. My paternal grandmother divorced during the great depression and raised two sons and cared for her 'invalid brother'. My maternal grandfather was a hopeless drunk so it fell to my grandmother to run the farm and raise seven children and then care for most of her flock of grandchildren, all with an iron hand. My father was weak and hen pecked, therefore he worked unbelieveable long hours and I rarely ever saw him. My mother beat me and my older brother and sister in a manner closer to child abuse than disapline. So female leadership and corperal punishment were all I ever knew.
From the earliest childhood, going to church and interacting with other children, I knew I was 'different' from the other girls. I was never 'girly'. I always prefered to hang with the boys. Most people just called me a 'Tom boy'. I also wondered from that time on, why Bible Stories never had any strong women. The females were always cowtowing to the men. That sucked. And fairy tales were the same way. Why were all the girls always just looking for that wedding day. Maybe that's why I always prefered Aesop's fables and Kipling. The animals were not that gender specific.
Around my elementary school age, my favorite female cousin and I came up with the 'cruelty game'. She and I used to think up the most horrid ways to torture people. We always knew that our parents would hate this game and so we never told anyone about it. As mentioned by others, girls aren't supposed to think of such things.
One of my first memories of knowing that I was really turned on by pain was the movie Syble back in the 70's. The scene of her being tied by the ankles, suspended upside down and tortured stuck with me in a manner that I knew was 'not right'. Throughout the years I often fantasized about being both upside down and the one hauling someone up and administering the torture. (No, I'm not into kids, girls or causing injury.... Like so many others, that was simply the first image availble to latch onto.)
School was always difficult for me, socially speaking. I didn't fit in. I was 'to smart' for the boys and not 'girly' enough for the females. I only found solance in being the only girl in the newly formed Science Fiction club. I was the only girl that I ever knew who actually played Dungeons and Dragons with books and dice during the 70's. It was my first experiance in the whole idea that females were just as strong and capable as males, even if it was all on paper.
When I got to college, I had this great epiphony... I called it the Power of the Pussy. I discovered that men would do ANYTHING if they thought they might have a chance at sex. This was when I first started exerting control over men and loving it! I actually had multiple young men following me around and I actually assigned them numbers. Each was told that they would only receive attention if the 'higher ranked' men were not around. I also started the "Gootchie" game that involved walking up to a strange man, smilling directly in his face and squeezing his crotch, hard, just to watch the young man's eyes bulge and hear that gasp. They frelling loved it all and I got off on making them jump through hoops.
Like most, I spent many years trying to 'fit the mold' that society forced upon me. I had more relationships than I can count. Most ended, to some extent, because my male partner wouldn't allow me to lead. Being a female control freak is very difficult for most men to handle. I had difficult time just finding a partner who would accept that aspect of my nature, therefore, most of the other kinks never had the time to develop.
In the mid to late 80's, after my younger son was born, I got a computer and started on the internet. This was before there were forums. I was on mIRC. I joined channels like CUSeeMeKinky and CUSeeMeWild. This was very fun. This was when I learned that men are basically horn dogs who will do ANYTHING for a little female attention... no matter what I asked them to do. That's when my current mentor Odie asked me to join a BDSM channel and the true kink was discovered.
As my son grew and I was working on getting my business up and running, trying to start up a 2nd business (which failed), I found myself going deeply back into the closet. I had to play 'Soccer' Mom, Business Woman and Community Activist for many more years. That left me no time or energy for socially unexceptable activities. Basically, if anyone found out what I was into, my primary business would tank and I'd be drummed out of the Field Trip Mom Society. All my 'naughty dilly dallying' had to go 'under cover' as occational hook ups at my SciFi conventions. Like Vegas, what happens at the con, stays at the con.
When my son grew up and started being less 'under foot', going out with his own friends, Odie talked me into joining CM where my kink found a happy home and a manner to express itself descretely. When West joined my family circle, he was introduced as a "Net Buddy" who went to the conventions and did other things with us. He was just one more in a long line of male friends attached to the family and no one really thought anything about it. He was my first long term sub/extra in about 15 years.
So "When did I know?" I don't know. It was just sort of always there... lurking. West was the first to really, honestly allow me to explore all avenues instead of just hit or miss experimentation with a lot of 'one night stands'. One more reason it was so hard for me to let go.
_____________________________
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
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RE: When did you realise that you were dominant - 
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I know more than a few people of all D/s orientations would would describe that as their primary and foremost kink. 
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