CerebralDomHfx
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/7/2006
From: Halifax
Status: offline
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Hello all, I've found myself in an interesting situation that's causing some turmoil, and I'd appreciate advice. Sometimes input from a different perspective is all I need to see clearly.
I'll try and keep this as concise as possible, but there is a fair amount of detail I have to explain before I can ask the question properly. Thanks to all who stick in for the duration of this message.
THE HISTORY:
About four months ago, I was approached online by a sub who was just awakening to her submissive side, and eager to explore it in a safe chat/email manner. She's in her late 20's and had been in vanilla relationships all her life, and was single but dating. She was confused and a little afraid of this new side of her personality that she was discovering, as it goes against almost everything she's been raised to be, but she keeps having stronger and stronger cravings and desires for it, to the point where she thinks about it nearly all the time.
I could tell from day one that she would take some time to open up and feel safe talking to someone, anyone. I knew her to be a bit of a long term project, but she also seemed to be of quality, and I'm a very selective and patient man. I'm looking for a quality sub to spend the rest of my life with (if it so works out that way) so I don't shy away from a bit of a challenge.
Over the weeks we chatted and emailed each other on a regular basis. We found we had a lot in common, and that we really got along quite well. Although we kept things online, a strong bond was starting to grow between us. We both were slowly opening up to each other, and we were both learning a lot about her personality, her desires, and why she thought she was right for this lifestyle.
The weeks turned to months, and the bond continued to grow. I demand complete openness from anyone I wish to be intimate with (because how can you be intimate without being open with someone?), and I return the same favour. She was sharing personal details from her life with me that she had never told anyone before, and she was slowly gaining strength from this.
I'm not a fan of the online world; I much prefer to live in the real world, so after a couple months of chatting I knew she felt comfortable enough with me, so I slowly started mentioning that we should meet and see how we get along in person. These requests were always politely deflected. I'm a smart guy, so I start to wonder if I'm physically what she's looking for, or if she just desires a chat buddy; She assures me that she's very attracted to me, she wants a man, and I believe her - yet still we can't seem to arrange a coffee meet, and I'm far from a pushy or scary guy to meet. :-) Usually I have no problems getting a girl to meet me for a drink after a few chats.
I start sensing something is wrong, and I started getting more pointed about it. We have been enjoying a very intimate and open relationship (albeit online) and I knew she was hiding something from me. I gently, but intentionally turned up the pressure on this secret that she was keeping, because it was obviously something big, and it was affecting the frank, open discussions that we were having. She would get rather emotional when I got close to this topic, but I kept working on her and it, making her feel safe, not being too pushy, but still being insistent that if she wanted this level of openness with me, she had to embrace it fully, and not hold back a few dark secrets. I hid nothing from her, and she had made so much progress opening up to me that I didn't want her to stop now - and I was also puzzled/frustrated as to why she wouldn't meet with me.
Anyway, you can all probably guess why.. :-) I had my suspicions from a while ago, and they were confirmed to some degree.
In a long, and emotionally draining series of chats, emails, and a phone call, she confessed to me her darkest secret - One she's never told anyone else. She's been seeing a married man for the last two years, and not a single family member or friend knows about this. I'm person #3 on the planet who knows about this (Her, Him, and Me).
My reactions were surprising to her - I didn't reject her and run from her - Why would I? I told her from the beginning that being completely open and honest with someone means that you share the good and bad parts of yourself. I made it clear that I thought this was a bad part, as I didn't believe in cheating, lying, etc.. all the crap that goes along with an affair, but I still embraced her for opening up and talking to me. I couldn't believe she had kept this bottled up inside from everyone for two whole years. I had worked so hard with her to give her the strength to trust someone with these dark secrets, I wasn't about to let that all come crumbling down for her by rejecting her now.
She's completely unhappy in this situation, and wracked with guilt over what she's doing, but she is unable to help herself. She is in love with this man, and he loves her back. He's also in love with his wife, and won't leave his wife for his Mistress. She needs a full time lover, and he's at best a part-time one, because he has his own family that needs him. She's dated around, she's tried to fall out of love, but no one keeps her interest, and she can't seem to let him go. She's now doubly-binded to him because she knows he loves her, and if she left him, it would devastate him – she doesn’t want to hurt him this way.
Logically, there are so many reasons why this won't work between them - He's got a family, she wants one, and he'll be reluctant to start a new one. She doesn't put up with cheating, but he's a cheater - I'm sure he'll do it again. He's also hopelessly vanilla, and she's craving some serious kinky sub play.
She tells me she wishes life were simpler, that she wasn't involved with this man, so she could be with me, because she knows we could go far.
Normally this would be the point where I'd say "Hey, take some time to figure it out, and get back to me once you’ve moved on" but it's not so simple. Other than this very large obstacle, I'm simply amazed at the strength of the connection we have, and how similar we seem to be. This is serious "wow, you really exist" type of stuff. If we don't manage to chat for a few days due to work pressures, we both feel the void. I"ve spent years looking for a woman like this, and I wonder if that's causing me to hold on a little too tightly..
Furthermore, I also believe that if I were to step up and compete with this other man, I would win. I can provide her with the time and attention and depth of connection that he simply can't. He's here because he aggressively approached her during a very vulnerable point in her life, and she got hooked before she knew it.
I'm not sure I want to directly compete for two main reasons:
1) I believe that people need time to themselves between relationships to heal and learn before they can move on.
2) I can handle her split heart for now, but once I knew I had enough of a hold on her heart, I wouldn't allow her to be with him anymore. She'd have to choose, and I know that's a messy state to be in. I don’t want to do it to her.
THE QUESTION:
Okay, that's the background to help you understand what I'm going to ask. Hopefully you’re still with me.
My question is based on how much guidance and support I should be giving this girl at this time. As far as I'm concerned, she should talk with this man, tell him how miserable she is because of their circumstance, and give him an ultimatum of his wife or her. I've told her that, and she agrees it makes sense, but won't do it. Of course she knows that will end with her being discarded, and I think she fears that to the extent that she rather just bury her head in work and ignore her misery.
I'm not sure if she currently has the strength of character to end this. I don't think it should be up to someone else to end it for her, as that's just removing her from doing the responsible thing. I want her to face her fears, and gain strength from that.
She is a sub, and it's her sub tendencies that have her bonded to this man even though all logic says it's a bad thing. I hate seeing another sub getting stuck with the wrong man.
I don't want to be her safety net - I don't want to provide a safe relationship for her to jump into directly from this bad one. I want her to grow up and do it on her own. I feel that any normal person should be required to do this, but I'm less sure about a sub in her state of awakening.
Yet at the same time, I have a strong paternal drive, and I feel that my role here is one of protector, and guide. She needs me. I think I am considering this differently because of the D/s aspect of our personalities.
Should I just back off, take our relationship down a few notches and let her work this out for herself? I'm reluctant to totally end it, because I know she'll feel abandoned and hurt for this, and it may set her back years. She needs a friend and confidant at this period, and I think I should remain that for the time being. How active I am is part of the question.
I know she will eventually end it. I know plenty of subs in their 40's who did it, though it took most of them 10 years of their life and 2 kids before they finally built up the strength to end it and set out on their own. If you were someone like this, would you have wanted someone to help you and save you years of turmoil with the wrong man, or would you not want to change a thing, believing every year spent in the wrong relationship made you more of who you are? Could someone have helped you, without sapping your strength that you eventually found?
Tough questions, but thank you for hanging in here to read it all. Any well thought answers will be appreciated.
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Guiding a New Sub - How much help is too much? - 
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